Dating an AS guy...would like some advice.

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I kind of have the same feel bostonienne. I think he prefers a dominant woman as well. I am very assertive and don't mind taking lead on many things so i guess it works out for us;. LOL
My gut still gets to feeling a bit askew sometimes but by and large based on our conversations I am also feeling the same as you about your b/f, that he is straight.

I am trying to think more logically and realize that he treats me very well and maybe i should look at things more face value and stop analyzing it all so much. He is one of the most respectful men i have ever met, i need to give him more credit and stop doubting all the time...but that doubting is also because of my history with men as well. I can't blame him for that tho.

Yeah, JennaJ! I wonder if that's a common trait or just a co-incidence. He really likes me to take charge (in a healthy way). And yeah! Over analyzing my BF drives me nuts as well. It's just because I find him so fascinating, I think. I am one who tries to always say and do the most gracious, smooth thing, and he -- just can't. Once it a while, he'll blurt something out and I'll just stew over it - and I shouldn't. He keeps reminding me that he simply cannot lie, and that I need to just take him at face value. BTW, I'm about your age and in a similar situation - divorced, 39 years old, and my BF is a couple of years younger and never married.

Hey JennaJ, I would not stress too much. I am AS and pay a lot of attention to my personal hygiene, all beauty products included. I just don't want to stand out in that area, as it is hard enough to fit in as is. I do what i can, and the rest, well, people just have to live with it.

Yea i think you brought up a good point...he doesn't want to stand out in an odd way as he feels he has a hard enough time fitting in, thus that could very well account for the minute attention to his appearance.

Makes sense.

I guess i have to live iwth the fact that gay men might perceive him as gay. That is hard for me i guess becuase for starters, i don't know 100% he isn't even tho i don't think he is, and also because i have heard so many horror stories from women who have been involved with a man only to find out when she has a lot of stake in the relatinoship that he was/is gay.

I'd almost be more relieved if he had more passion aobut his reply of "no" when i ask. He takes it so lightly...like 'of course i'm not" ...if that were me and i was asked more than once if i was gay i'd probably get a bit more agitated. But that is just me projecting my own thoughts onto others again. I fully understand a lot of this is internal to me that i have to work out on my own.

yes, sounds like we have a very similar situation!

Wow i really relate to the just blurting something out and you stew! I have done that. I try very hard not to as i know he says what is on his mind, but when the thing he blurts out on his mind is something you didn't prefer to hear it makes one wish that it was never said! I know he is not the kind of man to ask how i look in a dress if i am really not sure if it looks good as he will say what he feels. I asked him about a shirt the other day that had reds and blues and said do you like this, and he said 'looks like a nascar shirt" OMG i was so ticked off and said gee, maybe you should not have replied. LOL!! I know he didnt mean anything by it, but it still winces! Not to mention he knows i hate nascar! LOL

I try to be very understanding because i know he lacks that 'governor' that most of us have when we respond tactfully to certain socially curious situations. Let's just say i have to do a lot of reminding to myself that he LOVES me and has made it clear he loves the way i look so if a comment on a hairstyle or article of clothing he makes is less than positive i have to concentrate on the fact that it is NOT me personally that he is responding in distaste over.

Hi, I frequent these forums sometimes and just wanted to alleviate some of the doubts you are having about your boyfriend.

First not enough can be done when it comes to dating and having Autism, of any kind. Practically nothing has been done with it but it is such a huge topic.

However when it comes to your boyfriend and him being gay, there is no need to worry he is not gay.

I say this because, simply put, all the ridicule he has received over the years from women, which he might not talk about, and from his peers about being fat and dressing terribly have resulted in him becoming the way he is.

As for the gay men flirting with him, I know he has no idea that they are flirting with him, most AS people can't recognize this (also another reason he cares about his looks so much, but that concerns women more).

Plus for the gay man issue, being his friends, this is because when you have AS you just want to find people who accept you for who you are, also a reason why he can't let go of old friends, and something people who are gay and people who have aspergers is they just want to be accepted by people. So what happens is they tend to be good friends. Plus with guys you can be more of yourself and all the subtle contexts are not there, things like body language which women like to give out all the time.

However a complete explanation would be a very long post so if you have more questions don't hesitate to PM me.

PS: I would also check out the book Mozart and the Whale, it does a good job showing what relationships are like for Aspies as well as the life history leading to whom the person becomes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, Jenna!! OMG, I know EXACTLY how you feel. HAHAHAHA! Once, my bf said ("in the moment") that he appreciates my figure, but that he much prefers flat chested women. You know he would would have kept talking if I didn't pretty much say, "STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN, MISTER!! !" It kind of killed the moment .

LOL it is precarious at times isn't it? he doesn't have that filter that some have, so if something enters his mind he someimtes blurts it out and it can cause hurt feelings on occasion. He works out more than me and one day he said 'you should come with me to the gym more so you can be fit"...that hurt my feelings becuase it sounded like he was saying I WAS NOT fit. Which i am. I am in very good shape and the same size i was at 23. I told him 'so are you telling me i am out of shape!" and he said GOD NO i love the way you look, i just meant it will make you feel and be more healthy! i told him that i am comfortable with my level of exercise and have no desire to go to the gym quite as often as he does! He is a bit on the obsessive side of it, and that is NOT ME!


To Babtor24: you said

That is slam on accurate and this is exactly what i have told myself on several occasions in regards to him!

Hey girls,

It's like we're all the same ;P

Me: 39, NT, overanalytical assertive woman who gets things done.
He: 31, AS, slinky, blurts things out, sometimes comes across as a bit gay, can't lie.

Us: in relationship for 1 1/2 years

LOL yea sounds familiar! Hope you both are doing well after 1.5 years! I am going on almost one year and despite my obsessive over analytical posts here i am actually very happy with him! LOL

Go figure@!

Do you girls know if there's any more people like you, just a bit more, well, my age?

^ Toad, on forums you always see people with ideal opinions and not only on WP ,you would believe that "shallowness" doesn't exist at all in real life.

In reality, people tend to be ideal on forums and can be theoretically very ideal ("ie. Oh, I don't care about looks at all, I just care about inner self , ie. I love asspie men even the unemployed , I don't care about girls' weight....bla bla") while debating on forum but such idealism isn't usually really applied in real life....

Hate to burst your bubble but I am pretty well rounded and put together even in real life. I am very caring and understanding with my b/f and with others in my life as well.

I am sorry you are so cynical..

Prince and Toad - Jenna ntchick and I are older, and therefore, we are wiser! Lots of women my age do not get hung up on "the ideal" man. Because - the ideal isn't real. My advice for you would be learn how to be polite and considerate (read Emily Post); dress neatly and hang out with groups of people who share your interests. Good luck finding a nice girl.

ntchick - WOW! Sounds familiar! .HEE!

Jenna and ntchick: Randomly, I work in a theater so am friends with tons of gay men. They say that they find my AS BF very attractive because he can come across as a gay "twink" stereotype: "Boyish," with all the blurting, awkwardness and shyness. And, well - he's physically attractive. BTW we've been together for 2 years. Don't think it will evolve into marriage. But, hey - been there, done that.

To be honest though I would probably have to agree with LPP on this one... I haven't seen any women that are like that in real life... only here on forums and what not...

Actually, I take that back. Yes, I have seen nice women my age, but pretty much all of them are into wild parties, going to the farthest corners of the earth on a whim, stuff like that... I am definitely not a party animal, and although I used to enjoy traveling the world as a child, I no longer have that interest except when there's something in particular I want to see (usually friends or family or something like that...) I've effectively "settled down", as it were, despite the fact that most people don't do that until they're in their 30s or something...

Well surely you nor LPP have remotely even begun to meet and talk to every woman on earth.

I can tell you that i am very much as understanding, loving and compassionate to him as you read on here. Maybe a little wiser or older or both but I know what is important in life and in a relationship and what isn't, and i appreciate the things he brings to the table. The quesitons i brought forth here are not things i obsess over, they were some questions i had and i thought this was a great place to ask them.

Despite his AS and things i have said here the issues iwth him are so minscule compared to others i have had in the past. In our year together we have never had a fight, misunderstandings are always brought back around to 'right' in a very short time. We both are very committed to making each other happy and our personalities are so harmonious...very compatible. I can't find myself staying mad at him for more than a few minutes. And vice versa.

It is a sad thing that you guys believe these types of women are so elusive and as plentiful as the Easter Bunny. We are out there. Toad, you are still young so the fact that you have not met many isn't all that precarious ... many women get more mature and "happier" with themselves and life as they age. At the age of 20 I doubt any guy here would have wanted to date me, not due to lack of attractiveness but rather because i was an emotional mess. Clingy, insecure, moody, vain...etc. Heck "I" didn't even like me very much! MANY young women are like this, and please this is NO diss to young people - I know there are a lot very together, but as a whole you take the same woman at 20 and compare her to her future self at 40 and she is almost always going to be more settled, happier, less vain, content, etc.

Today i have worked thru a lot of issues and am confident and loving and just wanted a man who could be the recipient of this and who would also put it back out there for me. I do not have grand illusions of a man who will never do something to upset me - even the most compatible of people are still individuals who won't always agree ... i also have very few top deal breakers that are mostly just value compatiblities ... not a long list of must haves like many younger women have. Being realistic is probably my biggest claim to fame in the area of being a great partner.

MY needs and wants are so much more simple today.

Toad, i am not pushing an older chick on you but based on our conversations you might have more luck with a woman in her late 20s or 30s. You 'speak' as a man much older and that might be part of your troubles iwth women. You might be honing in on women too immature and just incompatible to you.

So to better address you two guys, particularly LPP it is the opposite of what you say, not bragging but i am even "more" together in the real world than what i might have portrayed here. That is just the jenna who is posting a questoin on an anonymous forum and I am trying to be as descriptive as possible iwth the 'issue' to better get the most applicable advice so i probably sound nitpickier than i am in real life.

For what it is worth my b/f is the sweetest man i have ever met, sure it can be a bit stressful sometimes when he gets hyper and off on a tangent and i have to reign him in or remind him that he talked over me when we were conversing thus missing critical components to the convo, or when he doesn't pick up on the non verbal cues of others when we are out in social settings, but these are minor grievances. The big things he brings to the table far outweight the little pesky things... He had the most wonderful and loving family life which i envy sometimes since mine was so rough, and it has made him well adjusted and a generally happy man. I adore him. I even adore his family which is a nice bonus. They are all as sweet as he is and have accepted me into their family as if i were one of their own. The issues on this post are pesky concerns that i had, and no relationship is wthout peskiness i am sure. But aside of these posts i am not even as over analytical as i am here so i am in fact even MORE caring and compassionate Toad then you even might have thought ... LOL