Aspie Friend Confusing me....

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Holy crap, this is a possibility for all the guys on here who get 'friend zoned'. You're right! I've told my boyfriend on a few occasions I just want to be friends. It's BS, it's just the first thing I come to because I don't want to fully break it off. Then I realize how difficult that really would be, and want to break up. It's a nightmare, actually. Though I don't think he takes it quite as literally as many men may with AS--he's dramatic, too.

I think the problem here might be that he doesn't know what you feel for him and he's scared and defensive. You might think you've sent him cues to tell him that you're into him, but he actually hasn't picked up those cues. He is probably afraid of opening his heart to you and then being rejected.

Maybe instead you could take a risk and tell him in clear language how you feel for him, and if he has feelings back he'll know it's safe and that you feel the same way.

What is so hard about saying ... I like you, I want you to be my boyfriend. It's direct and honest and true. So much easier than playing games. This lets him know that you are want this and he will probably be happy you made it easy. If he doesn't want it, he'll then say he just wants to be friends.

The unfortunate thing is that things don't seem to work that way. While he may say yes if approached with such a direct statement or question, that doesn't give her (or any NT) a real idea of how he feels truly. He could say yes, but not feel the love the NT does. I've been through this myself, and it's actually really a terrible feeling.

I think he's going to be confused no matter what. I don't get the feeling he's confused because of a lack of direct communication, either. I think he's struggling with knowing his emotions, as I see many people with AS do. That's what alexithymia is, isn't it? It's like an emotional learning disability.

Taking that literally would be "OK, she wants to be friends with me. Good! That's encouraging." If a girl I'm interested in tells me she just wants to be friends, I read that as nothing less than a total lack of interest. That's just, as far as I understand it, a polite way to express that and turn down men who are wasting their time. Maybe men with AS would give up more easily in the face of this, but I'm not positively sure.

Well, it's understandable, but definitely literal. I can suggest that, if she's interested in truly being friends, she'll be open and honest and keep in contact. If she's interested in more than that, even if she's stated that she wants to be friends, she may act weird and moody, changing and being confusing. That's the 'testing' behaviour. For a lot of women, when they don't get the response they want, it's really painful. If she's not interested at all, she may tell you she wants to be friends and then be impossible to contact, or very aloof.

Everything is vague in my mind with stuff like that. My boyfriend has repeatedly told me it bothers him when I seem indirect about something, which I often am. He tells me I need to be direct, and tell him exactly what I'm feeling. Goddamn it, you wouldn't believe how hard that is, and I want to make it work between us badly. It's very frustrating, the communication differences.

So, as you can see, it's very possible that people with AS are missing out on the vague cues they're getting from girls, and the girls are equally frustrating. It's hell, no doubt. But maybe it also helps to pave the way to a better relationship in the future. Take that as you will.

Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Though to be frank, every time I've been rejected in this fashion it's been in the third way so my initial reaction would be to take it as a straight rejection and move on to other girls.

Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again (directly to you, I mean), you need a pretty specific woman. My ex does, too, and it's really hard to see him go through the whole dating scene. You both (as well as others on this forum) have lots to offer, but only to someone who fits like a glove. And believe me, I don't think that's a bad thing, I find myself to be very similar, and it's a blessing and curse in one.

Also, it's important to remember than women act in this passive aggressive way for two main reasons: the first is that she doesn't want to cause any negative and potentially harmful reactions with outright rejection (I've had this happen, it's scary), and the second is out of empathy. I personally don't tell guys I want to be 'just friends' when I don't. That won't stop them calling. I generally ignore them quietly, but if I have to if they're, say, a co-worker, I'll be polite but aloof. I don't want to hurt anyone directly, it's very hard to do that.

The worst possible side: He won't open up again becouse he was "friend zoned", if it has happend to him before he might not accept that the feelings that's being offered simply becouse he thinks it's just a game.

As a little extra note:
And as the spitefull being I am, I really enjoy seeing a girl traped in her own "Friend zone".
I hope you learn this lesson well. (And all girls who reads it too.)

Well, that's OK if that person exists and feels the same way. As I've mentioned to you before, I've met plenty of girls who I felt were right for me, and the only obstacle was that they themselves didn't reciprocate. I may be a poor judge of that, of course, in which case I shouldn't be picky at all because my hypothetical partner would most likely be a better one.

I understand all of that and it's perfectly fine with me insofar as I understand why people want to be polite - and prefer it that way. It's just that if a girl tells me she'd rather just be friends, and then doesn't act in this way, I'll be surprised despite the literal "we can be friends" interpretation of the statement.

Silver, you lost me somewhere along the way. I'm not sure what you're getting at, here; can you clarify? "No it's not" is referring to what, exactly?

If you mean it's me being trapped in my own 'friend zone,' I'm not. Not even close, actually. I'm illustrating how it could work, may work and, in some cases, does work, but my boyfriend and I have a pretty high degree of communication at this point and he understands more what I'm doing than some may here if they should run into the same problem.

As a matter of fact, he's done it to me on several occasions, so it goes both way. Stop blaming the girl, men do it, too. His reasons were in some cases the same as mine, or other women's. I've since vowed to put a stop to the drama we both create, because it's very stressful. He's probably mostly NT in that regard, if not a little 'borderline'.

As for your spite, that's probably what's totally screwing you over with getting anyone. Spite is a purely selfish, possibly dangerous behaviour and a complete road block to any sort of love. 'Getting even' is villainous, childish and harmful to everyone. You'd be best to try to understand things from other's perspectives, which is what I'm trying to provide here. If you don't manage that, then good luck to you, really.

It's not a possibility. Women are complicated enough without people telling you that both yes and no means yes.


I didn't mean you, that's why I was very carefull not writing "you" or anything like it in the text.


Honestely, you're the first girl I've ever heard of who have been friend zoned. I've never done it to anyone and wouldn't do it either.


I'm only spitefull when someone trys to gain something at my expense. This includes when they try to make themselves feel good by hurting me in a "gentle" way. That's why I allways enjoy when their plans backfire.

Just because it's complicated doesn't render it null and void. It still does happen, therefore it's a possibility, even if it's not in most cases. It was something to consider. When there are problems with reading social cues, these interactions could easily be overlooked.

Yes means no sometimes, no means yes sometimes, yes may mean yes with fine print. It's how it works, frustrating or not.



I'm definitely not an oddity. Not every guy goes for every girl, and it's all that uncommon to get 'friend zoned,' though it's more common to be a mutual sentiment than a one-sided sexual rejection. I've had both.



Resentment from hurt is an understandable reaction to having someone act out maliciously or manipulatively toward you. But telling someone you only want to be friends with them so as not to hurt them or endanger yourself does not really fall into that category. It's not meant to be hurtful, but the opposite. If it's hurtful, it's the way the person on the receiving end is reacting, which isn't the woman's direct responsibility. Thus, harmful spite is displaced, directed toward someone who is more or less an innocent player. I'm not ok with that on any level.

The world is what you do it and it's the recivers decision how he/she wants his/hers world to look like. Of course sometimes you say no when you want to say yes and the other way around, but since non of us are mind readers we have to accept that what they say is what they mean.
Unfortunatly, people in love (one way love) lives on hope. And if the object of affection says that they are not interested in the girl/guy that way, that should mean that it's time to face the fact that it's not going to happen. This becomes very difficult when someone comes along and say that it might mean that they are interested.


Atleast here it's the guys job to make the first move, thus if no move is made, the girl knows he's not interested and no need to friend zone girls.


I don't act out of spite just becouse I get hurt sometimes, that would just be stupid.