Why are Aspie Men Bitter Towards Women??

Post Reply New Topic

^Is that dynamite you're carrying around your kneck?

Well, I finally got along well with someone over the internet (another Aspie forum, just for the record). We started talking on the phone within a month. However, four years went by before we finally met up: she lives in Seattle WA, and I'm somewhere you have to bend over and crane your neck awkwardly to see on a globe. We got along well for the 2.5 weeks I was there, but it was sedate and old-fogeyish; maybe "cute" in an asexual way. So I ended up being one of those losers who don't have their first date until they're 35 (as in a particular milk advert on the back of Rolling Stone 20 years ago).

I've begun to suspect that "compatibility" is overrated, anyway. You can be compatible with someone in the sense of having a lot in common (or simply both being pathetic losers no-one else wanted!). But that doesn't take care of the physical side of things. But then again, I'm hideously ugly with love-handles and a roundish face that screams "Genetically Unfit", so what do I expect?

Last edited by BPalmer on 05 Apr 2009, 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

It is a fire extinguisher. Because of my condition I have to be cautious.

Pig out on tofu, and you will in no time - at any time of the day or week.

Wow, four years? That's alot to see wasted away. I can see being bitter after something like that, but not forever. I'm your age too, an have never had any relationship to speak of. Some close calls though....

Like they say...."What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".

I stick to my original statement, incase I was indirectly refuted or accused of something. However, to be clear, the only women I hate are the two I've dated in the passed six months. As far as the rest of humanity goes... women don't really have any handicap in regard to men as far as earning my disapproval or hate. They just have different styles of earning it.

Guys can be a******'s and girls can be b*****'s. Meaning that I've never met a girl I wasn't a fan of who got on my bad side the same as any guy who I wasn't a fan of. My OP was just pointing out traits of women whom I have met and was not a fan of. And of my most recent, and first legitimate, girlfriend. Granted the statement about ovulation may have been somewhat uncalled for, but again, I wasn't really considering the fact that women can read these things too. I didn't invest too much thought into political correctness... as usual. Sorry about that.

Tofu?

Agreed. The entire concept of insight into other understanding/predicting other peoples thoughts never made sense to me. In my interpersonal relationship class almost all of the things that were attributed to every person as fact were totally and legitimately foreign to me. My best understanding of it (insight) is with how my eyes automatically " look softer " when I look at women that I find significantly attractive. I never even knew about it until recently.

That's pretty much my best guess as to why so many people base A LOT off a persons non-verbal gestures. And I suppose it's technically not even their fault. I can't make my eyes not do what they do just like people can't not assume that I am always angry or annoyed by my lack of expressions. It's actually extremely interesting when you think about it. Having that lack of neural response from instinctual origins seems like a very significant difference between the ASD and NT's.

If a girl told you she liked you just for the person you are, she is not a girl who will just run when things get bad and she knows she has not dealt with situations in the past the best. She knows she has come off very abrupte and not very approchable for awhile now but with all honesty, she truly fell in love with you the moment the two of you met for the very first time and still felt that way the second time the two of you saw each other, years later. That she has been working really hard on becoming more welcoming and soft because she is fully aware of the fact that, she can be a b***h. That regardless of AS or not, she deeply loves you and that without you she is simply just lost in the world. All she truly hopes for everyday is, for you to come up to her, grad her hand and ask her to be your wife so, that everyday she finds herself with you because if she is not with you she would rather just continue being lost. She also would be very happy and understanding if you asked her to marry you over email because she will know that proposal is 100% from your heart.

Would you guys honestly even give her a chance or think she is just lying to you......????? Would you guys hold onto your bitterness and automatically be more upset cause you think she is just lying???? If you really wouldn't believe her and give her a chance...Why is that? Why cant a girl just honestly like you, for you............I am in all honesty asking..... Please dont reply mean, in an attacking way. Yes, I know that many women do play f****d up games but there are some women who dont play games.

I have trouble with this and for a long time was even unaware of it.

The last guy I was with thought I was cold or uncaring b/c I had trouble looking at him or getting into the moment.

It has been the biggest struggle with me as well as communication and empathy. Many times I will percieve a signal to be something else. Even when I do, I don't automatically react fearing that it might not be what I had initially thought it was.

Even when it comes to eye contact, depending on the moment it's hard. Most of my emotions come off blank and unreceptive. The very few guys I went out with were not all that nice either. In fact, to this day I still have some trust issues....(though not as bad as they use to be) with guys after the last one physically attacked me. So sometimes I dont' even trust my own judgement when it comes to guys that even show a little interest....not that that's common.

I fell in love before I got halfway through the paragraph.

wow. you're not just high. that made waaaay too much sense. I do that intentionally. O.O

It's a complicated topic, because many aspies, women and people in general don't have proper insight into themselves. Generally anyway, when speaking of aspies lets divide them into two groups...

Aspie men who are bitter fall into the two groups:

1) Naively bitter (i.e. naive and inexperienced, clueless, but willing to change - they will grow out of their bitterness)
2) Bitter because they don't want to have to change for someone else (egocentric, egotistical)

Group #2 usually has the following problems:

They have something genuinely offensive to anyone/everyone

1. They whine a lot, complain a lot, or are obnoxious all around people without realizing it.
2. They are anxious/fearful all the time (i.e. they are scared of their own shadow)
3. They don't take care of their appearance and are clueless about how run down they look
4. They are overbearing and want everything on their terms
5. They are usually so self-absorbed, they couldn't handle the give and take of a relationship
6. They are weird and know it, but are unwilling to change.
7. Prefer being alone

The ideal partner for many male aspies would be a sexbot, truth be told. The japanese anime like (link)Chobits and (link) Oh my goddess come to mind.

Women are much different then many aspie guys... their needs are completely different. Aspies dislike the fact that there are few people like them, aspies are honest, aspies don't play the stupid social status games and they look at the world differently.

The down side is from the woman's perspective is:

1. Aspies are boring (intellectual)
2. Aspies are nerdy (science, math, videogames, geeky stuff)
3. Aspies (are not usually) social - they (generally speaking) hate going out to clubs, bars, dancing, movies, etc.
4. Aspies may be too serious (no fun), lack of talking and communication = no fun
5. Many aspies rather stay in then go out.

Truth be told, aspie psychology and NT psychology has fundamental differences. It's not merely women either, it's the fact that aspies fundamentally experience the world differently. For instance: If say I wanted to have sex with someone I was attracted to, in the ideal aspie world - I'd merely go up to her and ask her. In the NT world sex is overcomplicated, you have to talk smooth, make a women laugh, "warm her up" before she will allow you to have sex with her... to an aspie mind, this is redundant if you both are physically attracted to one another - it's either a yes or no kind of thing.

Aspie people who are patient, non-judgemental, rational, logical, immune to groupthink, and does not over value social activities to the nth degree are not suited to the aggressive gameplay, hypersocialization and tribal mentality of the NT world.

Women play NT games much more then guys do, so I think thats what makes a lot of aspies bitter as well - they like stability, loyalty, hardwork, dedication towards a relationship, choose someone and stick with them... many in the world are lazy, hedonistic and pathetic when it comes to relationsips. These mentalities are completely at odds.

NT women are inconsistent and hyper emotional compared to aspie men, men tend to want to simplify their lives. In general women need constant change, socialization and stimulation... women are easily angered, sadenned, impatient, disloyal and emotional, lacking rationality and the average woman is MORE prejudiced then men are generally speaking. Not all women are like this, but way too many of them are.

When I was younger I hated how fickle women were, moving from guy to guy. It was exhausting putting up with women who couldn't just pick someone and stick with them - they had no sense of loyalty or dedication to one another. Next was the constant need to go out and be doing things or talking to people all the time. The needs of the two groups are often contrary to one another, as such bitterness is the result of not understanding that.

We are meant to be bitter? Thats odd, I can't remember hating people because they have opinions about me that I don't share, honestly I don't really care in the slightest, If I go through life never meeting a girl I *think* I love, then why should it bother me, maybe my genetics buggered up and I really am alien so nobody find me attractive
Either way, i'm happy to just get on with science, I have no need for relationships

Yeah... I have always been aware of it as my lack of expression = stone cold killer interpretation by most people. Which is really odd and crappy for me as I am like the exact opposite of how people interpret me. Basically a 120 pound pacifist nerd who tries his hardest to be selfless... just not outwardly, trapped in a 175lb ex-con's body. So... the shoe doesn't fit and I've known it for awhile, and hated it. And I almost never notice it... my lack of expression is horrifically insufficient.

The only saving grace I have is that I can make people laugh and I try to smile a lot when around people I know. I still have no clue to what expressions I am really giving outside of " probably positive " or " probably negative ". My social expression arsenal consists of smiling, lifting up my brow, and a range of stupid " silly " facial expressions that people react positively to.

As far as making eye contact goes... I can do it, but I really doubt that I do it right, and I usually forget to do it. I had to work on that for years too... it's not getting any better. I'm either afraid of scaring the person, or creeping them out by holding it for too long. And if I know the person well I just look at their face when their voice changes or if I remember to look. When it comes to girls I am attracted to I tend to look more just because I'm pretty sure you're allowed to and expected to... and because I obviously find the face attractive ... it was nice with my ex because I think she may have something close to if not even slightly in the AS.

K... getting too long... one last thing which has been absolutely blowing my mind is that the thing like my eye's subconsciously changing when I see pretty girls = like the definition of NT in all aspects of their expression. I tested/studied my eye change with my girlfriend in awe after she pointed it out. I would look away... look at her and feel it, try to consciously undo it, couldn't ... looked away again, etc, and that was before I even knew about autism or the phrase NT. The idea that most people have that affect, but with EVERYTHING totally blows my mind... but I'm stopping there because I can't get started on that topic

My take on it is resentment is something that just happens between all differences, not just ASD.

Alienation leads to resentment, and that leads to more alienation. You have to try and escape the cycle of resentment or it will drag you down and other people too.

It really does help to realise that everyone thinks of themselves first. However in a relative sense they are not all bad people, they are just doing what they do. NTs aren't any different they just have social protocol to deal with it in a society. The problem is we don't understand reciprocation that well, so naturally we take it at its dictionary definition, which isn't that accurate.

Reciprocation, while give and take in a sense, doesn't cancel itself out and make for selfless people. It is something that is always ongoing and dynamic (and never ‘evens’). In an animalistic viewpoint you could say that egalitarianism is a fast and continual switching of power, so it is somewhat fairer. You can reduce down any need, or want, or indeed anything at all that affects you to stimulus->response. So reciprocation is about getting the most out of each other using the same stimulus->response mechanism. Selfless it is not, beneficial you be the judge.

One interesting study showed that people who like to give money to charity showed activity on brain scans in the same area of the brain that gambling addicts, or people that are amorous, aroused. In other words the pleasure centres of the brain. Not everyone is built like them so it wouldn’t necessarily give the same result if you tried it.