For all you 'just friends' men out there...

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I've actually learned from this thread:

1) talk to more girls
2) shake hands with girls (off work)
3) ask a girl out if she seems to like you

And it's not a mystery for men either:

if you don't have the look, the social status , the social skills, and the ability to give a person everything they want, you're ousted.

LOL

Yeah, that was my point, really. Men and women aren't that different on this issue.



I can easily say that's the best thing this break up has done yet.

I like your attitude. I wish more aspies would adopt a positive, open-minded, approach towards learning to improve their social situation.

Hey Orbyss sorry to hear about that. I think you are someone with a lot of substance and I admire that. Seems a shame it happened to you.

Don't feel bad about yourself, the guy is gay, you didn't make him gay.

He should be , because considering handshaking as sexual act is sick.

ever since i was a kid, i pretty much imagined my life in lonelyness. at least there are no dissapointments that way.

dissapointment still hits when there is a loss of what-could-have-been tho.

anyway chin up! we're "here for you"! now you can wallow in our supportive physical absense! AWWW
you know we cares for ya :]

#2 is the only one I have down easily... I can greet anyone, regardless of gender, as such without much difficulty. That would also extend to #1 if there were more women around campus or at my church... but whenever I do get the chance to talk to a new woman, it's usually a cordial meeting without anything awkward (so long as I don't try to get intimate, that is)...

It's #3 that just doesn't work... men are expected to ask women out within 10 minutes... I can't make a complete value judgement on someone's personality after 10 minutes... no wonder the population at large has some prejudice issues in one area or another...

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I'm sort of impressed at how you're taking it, at least based on what you're posting here. As far as relationships go I've gone into sulks lasting weeks or months over much less, not justifiably of course.

I never understood your fixation on having one "life" partner for which everything must fit. I guess I'm not that romantic in that sense, monogamy to me is more about convenience than it is about human nature per se and any relationship I enter I feel I should also be ready to leave. In any case I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people, rather than just one, who are right for you and you can move on from this quite well.

just thank your lucky stars, ToS. Most men can size a girl up in the 20 seconds when they 'react' to the lady's uh. . . attractiveness. When blood flow makes the decision for you, that is where most of the difficulty in finding the right fit of personality of the other person begins.

Merle

Well, I, uh, 'react', as you put it, but the part of my brain that burned out (from all that crap in high school that I never shut up about) is the part that relays that 'reaction' to the subconscious brain. My conscious brain still acknowledges the 'reaction', but I don't feel self-compelled to do anything based on appearance only.

On the other hand, if a woman provides direct mental stimulation (which can only happen after we've gotten to know one another), I can fall for her really quickly... I still remember one time when this woman I knew (who was slightly nerdy) once yelled out "EPIC FAIL"... I don't think I've ever been that turned on in my life... She was taken though, so nothing came out of that one...

Actually, in my experience, if you have a brain, a weiner, a guitar, an attention span and a chip on your shoulder, there's a pretty substantial niche market for that too.

If you don't have "the look, the social status , the social skills, and the ability to give a person everything they want", you just have to work harder and stretch yourself more.

YAY PHYSICAL ABSENCE. And the worst thing is I'm PMSing right now, a time when I'm extremely 'needy,' especially for physical affection. It's horrible.



Thanks. I can't even tell what substance I'm made from after this, let alone how much. As for being gay, I'm not all that sure I didn't play a role. I don't know if it's 'biologically gay,' if there is such a thing. His mom smothered the hell out of him and I always had this bizarre feeling like I was competing for him with her. My guy friend had similar emotional incest (not directly sexual) as a child and felt bi, too. The now-ex and I had such a turbulent, f****d up relationship in a lot of ways turning gay seems a viable solution.

Oh, god....



Appearances can definitely be deceiving. Like everyone else, I'm programmed to keep it together. I've had some very bad moments, and I'm in a constant fog of pervasive, horrible feelings. Part of this is to be blamed on my past, with losing much of my family and everything I've previously loved. After a while, a person realizes that they can have nothing, and the loss doesn't get any easier.

Of course, that's compounded by your other point -- my monogamy. I think it's something few could understand, but this entire situation has put it to the test. I've always hoped I can just move on, like everyone else does, but deep down, since I can remember, I've always felt I'm anything but that kind of person. I love with intensity I can't help, and it's a frightening situation.

I've never been much for romance--I find it very contrived, the way it's at least portrayed in western culture (where its origins lie, anyway). I don't buy into the whole scene at all, but I must say it fits things I've felt, which seem innately human. But, take those things to an extreme and you have me.

Love is never a convenience for me, and I can only be intense with one person. The way I feel I am is a lifer; that is, one sticks with me for the rest of my life and I care about no other. It feels like what I need, what would be successful, because if I did have a kid, there would have to be a lot of stability and support within the nuclear family. The problem is, no one seems stable, and everyone's running around wanting something more, rather than treasuring what they have. I stuck with one man for many years despite a lacking between us that made it incompatible sexually from the very start. There was far more compatibility, I felt with this last one, and the click seemed automatic and deep.

In my family, once we bond, we bond for life and that's all she wrote. Down the line it looks like it's typical for both the men and women, at least on my mom's side, to choose one for life and, should it end, it also does so for life. It's an extremely painful situation, to say the least. To put it into perspective, imagine your liver suddenly taking a dive for no seemingly good reason and ceasing adequate functioning; you only have one liver, and although you can get a transplant, you'll never, ever feel quite right. Once it's gone, it's gone. I wish more than anything my liver weren't dying on me--I've already lost four of my other major organs. Never mind the heartbreak.

Sexually, this is a devastating loss. I wish I could be like so many people out there and just go get laid. There is no way I can do that without the bond, so I'm completely stuck. Of course, I'm always open to something else, but that doesn't mean I can make my wiring co-operate with me. There's just no reconciliation.

Kudos to you for sticking with one guy and making the effort to make it work.

Yeah, that would do the trick! I wish more girls were geeky like that