Why single women are drawn to men who are spoken for

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Going on a dating site and appealing to any available women out there who you may be compatible with is one thing, but sizing up every woman you just happen to meet as a potential mate is something else. For instance, on a dating site you can read someone's profile and reach out to them specifically, whereas in real-life situations it's just random people who you don't even know, so you're bound to be disappointed more often.

That's not true, I know lots of guys in relationships who seem like total dorks, and wonder what their gfs see in them. Moreover, a lot of them are needy, and the way their gfs act like mothers towards them is nauseating.

Have you ever actually met such a woman? I mean it seems like a pretty stupid thing to do, any guy who will leave his partner for you will just as easily leave you for someone else.

Lots of great answers on this thread -- this might be one of the best threads I've ever read here, in terms of everyone coming up with the right answers almost immediately. To whoever said this thread was a big, wrong generalization -- Sorry, but you're wrong -- there's a lot of smart stuff here.

I think 3 things are going on with the phenomena, all of which have been stated here. The attraction for any woman can be any of the below, sometimes more than 1 --

1. Attractive guys (and not just in looks, but in personality and situation, like he has a good job and is dependable) tend to be taken, especially at later ages. Woman do the "car shopping" thing (to use someone else's example), they see a guy is weathering a relationship pretty well, and figure out he's a good bargain. He apparently is not a creep, can stay in a relationship, has a job, etc. He has proven to be what most women want -- a dependable guy they can count on to stay with them.

2. Competition. Yep, women can and will get very bitchy with eachother, and some will feel the instinct to take what someone else has, just to prove they can. Plus, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, right? So no wonder there.

3. When a guy is taken, he's not in "desperately looking mode". IMHO, this is the #1 problem for most continuously single guys -- they vibe their desperation in a way that women can obviously detect. When you have a GF or wife, you're not as desperate, because even if you did want to cheat, in the end, you always have the fallback, right? Women are like bloodhounds in picking up any kind of signals or clues from a guy, as subtle as he might think he is being. Women tend to go for a self-satisfied, confident guy, and guys who are in a relationship tend to be that.

I speak from experience -- all of the above have happened to me personally, multiple times over the years. It's amazing how you can be on a huge dry streak, and as soon as you don't care anymore (because you have a GF), everyone is suddenly interested. I personally think #3 is one of the biggest factors, but #1 and #2 also matter.

Very true. With enough information, it's easy to make logical decisions like that.

However, from what I've seen & understood, the game of attraction is based on snap decisions, often on a sub-conscious level. A single guy might be written off as undatable in seconds for even the most superficial reason. The guy in a relationship often warrants a closer look to see what makes him attractive to his mate. Like you said, you wonder what their gf sees in them.

Of course, you may find him to be unsuitable even with that closer look, but that little extra consideration can sometimes make all the difference.

<rant>
Personally, I wonder if you even have to HAVE a GF to not "care anymore." If I am not to that point already, I'm getting there fast, for these reasons.

1) I just started an internship (in the evenings) with a local gaming technology company, and I work a full-time day job to boot. I can expect my mentor to assign "homework" as well. I also have a gaming group I play with here. Doesn't really leave much time to date.

2) Irreconcilable theological differences with most women here, even if we do have other things in common (Pagan living in the buckle of the Bible Belt.) We could have just about everything else in common, but my spiritual beliefs alone would disqualify me in most cases.

3) At least in most places where people meet and/or mingle with people alcohol will be present and I do not drink. Teatotalling is a HUGE social no-no from what I've seen, and will probably only score me points with a recovering alcoholic. I personally have no problem with others drinking around me, but my own decision not to partake will certainly NOT be respected by most people my age.

4) Anything less than perfect is unacceptable to most women anyway. Some have said otherwise, but being a WrongPlanet member makes them outside the norm by default. Keep in mind I do not necessarily think that is a BAD thing. But the "norm" is this: you better be like (insert "perfect man" here, usually a celebrity or fictional character.) or you don't have a chance. Period. End of discussion.

That, and as previous posters have said, some just want what they think they cannot have.
</rant>

this social proof thing is bang on...remember, NT's are NOT logical, you have to pander to their "gut feelings" and emotional whims x

Okay, I will say I and most women I know would not be interested in someone who is "spoken for"-in fact it would be major transgression, but point 3 is the most valid.
I.e. A man in a relationship is likely to treat other women in a more relaxed, and respectful and "human" respectful way...no pawing, drooling, innapropriate innuendo, discussing an interest because it's an interest...rather than a means to an end. And vice versa. Plus perhaps some of the posters are more "aware" of what might constitute flirtation (as in "would my other half approve of my interactions with this person")

Obviously there are women and men who just plain enjoy competetive nastiness, but I would think that is rare

I hope my spelling etc makes sense, have migraine and down to one functional eye.

As a person with Pagan beliefs, living in Florida, I can relate.


Again, I relate. I have never cared very much for alcohol. It wasn't until later that I realized that I'd inherited a gene from my mother's side of the family, that predisposes me to become very ill from alcoholic beverages. So one thing I could never understand, was people needing to drink in order to relax. Alcohol, for me, is a sure fire way to ruin a good time.

Honestly, as hard of a time I'm having finding someone, if I do finally meet someone and other women start flocking around me, I'm going to be really pissed. ...... at first.....

I agree with you makuranososhi. BTW, wanting/coveting what I cannot/don't have is something that Ive been dealing with for the past 10 years or so. While I would say that such feelings are not uncommon among young adults, there comes a point when you should grow out of it. I firmly believe that if you can never learn to appreciate what you have/what you get, you will NEVER be a happy person. As they say: Happiness isnt getting what you want, its wanting what you get. I TRULY believe that. I do suspect though, that feelings of insecurity and inadequacy can trigger a chronic case of the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence syndrome. What do you think?

Furthermore, I honestly think that many(perhaps most?)women grow out of the phase of being attracted to men who are already taken by the time the exit their 20s. But then again, young women are often VERY insecure. Im convinced that women in their early 20s are A LOT more insecure than most guys their age and to compensate for it they develop a big ego and try to find ways to stroke it.

Totally agree here, I've seen it in myself and others. It's probably the #1 reason some girls are overly sexually promiscuous (i.e. "sluts"), and why some guys have to have that "trophy" wife or GF.

Nah...I disagree. If a guy is taken, that means he is the "type that is able to commit" not necessarily worth taking. The other women might not think that his girl is all that great and feel they have a chance with him before even knowing what he is like only based upon the fact thet he "can" commit. They may think that he has a couple of bucks too. These other women wouldn't even try if they were intimidated by his girlfriend/fiance/wife. If they "were" intimidated by the girl, they'd figure she's probably "settling" for someone "less than" out of lonliness. But they're stupid because if they are able to break-up the relationship, and win him. Somebody can do the same to them too...even after they're married which makes it even worse. Just because they may have needed to feel "as good as" his original girlfriend, they ruin lives. They need to grow up in God and not "COVET". They often may find out too that the guy was right for the other girl but really BAD for them. Women tend to forget that men are individuals with very individual lives and personalities. They just want to "have" a man for social status...even though deep down inside they're not really satisfied. Guys do this too. A true relationship is not about "having" someone. It's more about "knowing" someone. The 'ol phrase..."She finally met somebody." Yeah...but are they "compatible". Life can be long and lonely but better to be open to possibilities than latch on to someone you don't really know or is just slightly "bearable" just for the purpose of not being a "single". It's wrong because you're stopping them from living their life too just because you have an ego problem. Furthermore, if a female or male comes on to someone who is already a couple, they are an old-fashioned "homewrecker". They're called players or temptresses but what they do is in VERY poor taste. In fake cable TV life, they are intimidating. But in real life, they're simply no darned good.

I'm not inclined to make it an age-based response, either... have seen it too often in those in their 30s, 40s, 50s... And I think men are often more insecure than women; the processes of projection and transference often pushing it onto the shoulders of the other party. What you think people should do, and what they actually do, are two different things... people don't operate on command. I do agree that the greatest part of happiness is contentment, similar to what you said above.


M.

That certainly is true. People often do operate on command though given the right circumstances though. I mean, based on what Ive seen for the last 15 years, people tend to listen to certain individuals but not others. So my point is that if you want to get people to change their behaviour you have to provide an incentive. Either that or be persuasive enough to convince them that they'll have something to gain by listening to you. But attraction is definitely NOT logical, if you want to attract women you have to appeal to their emotions. The same is true with men, if she looks good than guys will want her and if she doesnt, then no amount of reasoning will change how guys feel about her.

I really have to disagree with you that men are more insecure than women. Not only are women physically weaker on average than men but time is NOT on their side. Women lose the ability to reproduce in their 40s and so those women who wish to have children are under pressure to find the right man before they get too old. A LOT of post-menopausal women are very cantankerous and bitter because they are unable to compete with younger, prettier women. I hear NT women complaining about men FAR MORE OFTEN than NT men complaining about women. Since women are insecure they look for a man who can compensate for what they lack themselves.

Last edited by Haliphron on 28 Apr 2009, 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, it's true, it's definitely true--at least in my 23 yrs of being a husband!

For men and women both it's a function of being (mis)perceived as "desperate" and "needy" versus secure and confident (regardless of internal mental landscape realities!), which is in turn an expression of biological imperative.

Obviously it's also true that there exist subsets of people--the self-named 'playa's'--who engage in such pursuit/behavior for reasons of "conquest," personal insecurity, financial/emotional ambition, etc.

I do believe, though, that women who don't "act available" are more often subsequently treated/regarded as "unavailable," but men who comport themselves similarly are likely to experience the exact opposite. There are a few men who don't necessarily care if a woman says that she is married...but there are much greater numbers of women who just melt/gush (literally) when a guy says that he can't/won't hang out with Group XYZ that night because he's going home to his wife or he's got to call home that evening, etc.

Put another way, more women seem to find committed behavior/status in men as attractive than the other way 'round.

Speaking from experience....well-behaved experience, but experience nonetheless...the less I "try," the more I see that I "could."

Perhaps biologically logical, but conceptually/socially weird to realize.