Would you dump someone who got fat?

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If you don't want to date someone. No one will force you to. If you don't want to stay in a relationship, no one will make you.

But when you take your personal preferences and project them onto everyone around you, that's wrong. When you stop saying "my type is like 'blank'" and start saying "people like 'blank' are disgusting, I shouldn't have to see them in public and it's weird'gross to date them" you become an a-hole.

It's not that difficult. Nobody wants you to pretend you like "fat girls" or tall girls or whatever, what would be cool though, if you didn't run your mouth about how awful and gross they are because by doing that you're shaming other people for their preferences. You know, that thing you're complaining other people are doing to you.

Just like in elementary school when you were told not to tell another kid their lunch is icky because it's rude. They're not asking you to eat it. They're asking you to shut up and pay attention to your own tray.

You aren't being 'radical' for espousing the inferiority of everything that is not "conventionally attractive."

And since we took a trip back to elementary school a couple lines ago, let' reiterate a basic. You are no better, no more inherently valuable than anyone else.

I'd agree with all of that, it all makes logical sense.

ZX, no. people who are fine with dating fat people are not a minority, because of the fact that they date as much as thin people. and you have not given me any reason think you are not reinforcing your own reality by hanging with nasty people. your reality cannot coexist with mine, where people are varied and not douchbags by default.

And that is partly my point. Is there anything you are irrational about? Being a 'douchebag' about weight is a norm, it's totally irrational, I fully accept that. I also accept that some people would not date a person who is deformed, or even has bad breath.

Last edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder on 13 May 2012, 11:32 am, edited 3 times in total.

Its not a thing based on acausal free will though; a person's life either allows for the right critical mass to build or it doesn't. With things like that you're incredibly lucky if the sum of life's factors does well up that way in the right sequence at the right time rather than simply driving you deeper into it.

I actually haven't had big gripes with the posts of yours that I read, I am sorry if it came across that way. But I can say that using the language I suggested will improve your lot in the dating world and with women in general, AND work much better when you are in a relationship and she happens to gain a few. You have no duty to accurately represent what you really want to the world at large, so forget the worry it is a misrepresentation, and use the concepts that are more appealing to and accepted by women. It is ALSO want you want, I've read your posts, being with a thin women who ate like crap would not suit you.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 13 May 2012, 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's not always true though.

I agree with this. Even as a - very - fat bloke, I realise that not too many women who aren't fat themselves will be attracted to me. I understand and accept this for what it is - just a fact of life. We all have preferences in our partners, and many of them are irrational. Just deal with it, OK?

Explain what you mean by this,please!

That is perfectly true. The thing to remember is, as you just said, people don't exist to keep others happy. So, if the overweight party is happy in the relationship, and I am no longer happy in the relationship, I am by default existing to keep them happy, even though I am not happy. That's not fair to me is it?

I also want to clarify something. If I went out right now, and started chatting with any one of the girls I don't find attractive, formed a relationship with her, went out with her, dated her, etc. Yes, I would probably be spending time with an interesting person and probably having way more sex than I am now (Not hard, since you can't have less than nothing of something). But at the same time, I would be FORCING myself to do this. I would have to make a conscious admission that " I cannot do any better than her, so I might as well make the most of it".

" I cannot do any better than living in a podunk hick town, even though I want to live in Europe, so I might as well make the most of it."

" I cannot do any better than McDonald's, even though I wanted a steak, so I might as well make the most of it "

" I cannot do any better than a mini-van, even though I wanted a sports car, so I might as well make the most of it"

Do you begin to see how damaging that sort of thinking is? To both parties? It means I'm having to change my evaluation of self worth, while at the same time consciously denigrating another person.

It has nothing to do with people's actual value. It has entirely everything to do with people's perceptions of what they do and don't want in their lives.

I want to live in Europe, I want a steak, I want a sports car, I want an icey blonde. But all I'm hearing constantly is, I should be happy to make do with podunksville, a big mac, a mini van, and a slightly overweight brunette. It doesn't actually matter if I ever get any of the things I want, but I shouldn't be expected to give up on what i want. Regardless of it's attainability, or my chances of attaining it.

It's not a healthy attitude, but in you and other posters constant proselytizing, it's what I'm hearing I should be willing to do!

I'm not willing to martyr my desires in order to fulfill some one else's, and asking me to do so is preposterous and juvenile.

I don't care what you want, as long as you don't whine when you don't get it, but I do care how you talk about what you want, because unlike cars, women can hear you say that you don't think they are good enough, and unlike cars, we have feelings and worth beyond what does or not turn you on, and your words should respect that difference.

Advice: don't talk about getting a relationship in the same way you talk about getting your dream car.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 13 May 2012, 12:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It should be fairly self-evident. Some - abusive - people coerce others into relationships, and to stay with them.

If I don't think they are good enough, why should I not tell them so? You would prefer I lie to them to make them feel better about themselves? Even if that means me being unhappy, and them living in a relationship based on a lie?

People tell me I'm not good enough all the time. I'm no good at sports, I don't hunt or fish, or work on cars. By the standards of masculinity in my geographic area, that makes me at best an abject failure and at worst of suspect sexuality. These are facts I've had to accept in my life. No amount of explanation or illustration of my abilities and strengths matters. I don't fit my microcosm of societies requirements to be " A real man" and I never will. We all have to get used to disappointment, but we are under no obligation to make the most of it. So in that regard, I intend to continue to complain to my hearts content. Since the alternative is to make the most of it, which is untenable.

There is a difference between a lie and keeping something to yourself. I don't tell every person I meet whether or not I find them sexually appealing.

And look at how those comments make you feel, they've turned you into a cynic, and yet you think it is perfectly OK to inflict that on someone else?

I am not saying you have to start a relationship with anyone, just be careful how you word the rejection. WHY is that so hard to do? Why fight so hard for your right to be insulting? Because you feel people have done it to you?

If you aren't attracted to someone, you just don't approach them.

If you are forced to decline a set up, you can simply say, "I just don't feel the chemistry."

If you get pushed into having to say more, you can maybe get away with "I worry she doesn't value healthy eating and exercise the way I do." And if that doesn't work, go back to, "I am sorry, it just isn't there for me." NEVER should you HAVE to say, "I don't like her body."

Is it really that hard????

You know, this reminds me of conversations I've had with my son about his brutal honesty. But he has learned that not every thought can or should be honestly expressed - this is a social rule, and failing to follow it hurts not just the people you insult, but your own social standing. It is in your own self-interest, as a guy who has dreams for who he might end up with, to learn it, understand it, and follow it.

I have taken the step to give you other things you can express, a script. Use it.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 13 May 2012, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.