Why do girls want cocky, arrogant guys?

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True. I make a lot of topics only to get 0 replies other than me bumping the topic.

They don't.

On the other hand girls don't want "nice guys" when the only reason they're being nice is to get with a girl. That's not nice, that's self-serving.

Indeed. I think the absence of masculine qualities seems to imply to women that "nice & seemingly nothing else to observe" means guy is probably actually self-serving.

Because cocky, arrogant guys are the first to approach them. It's simple logistics. They approach more girls, therefore they have more success. The upside of being arrogant, is you don't fear rejection.

I suppose that also establishes beginnings of pre-selection, the notion that you are widely seen as desirable to women. My viewpoint is this might be something mandatory for success with a majority of women.

Perhaps some women have such a high barrier before ever even considering any man that they need to see that there is a clear and significant group of other women who have very high attraction towards a specific man. It is like with many products, I will not even begin to evaluate them until others that I view as highly credible vouch strongly for them. Until that happens there is nothing they can say to convince me.

This might be a potential avenue towards a degree of validity in pick up strategy, that there might be some women who conversely have a dramatically low barrier in terms of having few restrictions of considering men(As in they would consider nearly anyone) and it hypothetically becomes a "ladder" of sorts whereby a man becomes more and more accepted by the group as an eligible man. I would still stress however that real value is a requirement, else the PUA would likely remain on the first rung of the ladder which is to be selected by those who do not have any demands in terms of a man's value but only that he approaches to ask her though I believe this is a small number of women.

My gut feeling is that this would include maybe 5% or fewer women as in those who would accept very low value yet very persistent men. ie. The quintessential Pick Up Artist aka the man who has nothing legitimate going for him(Combination of bad looks, no social status and likely no employment or bottom tier job) but will try any trick he can think of and willing to lie about anything where tricks and lies comprise his entire strategy. Like salesmen selling a truly worthless product where fooling others is going to be a requirement to ever make any sales.

But I feel that potentially there is some merit to consideration of the concept of pre-selection, whereby it might be a literal requirement that a man has to be observable and obviously already desired by other women in order to even be viewed in the light of being a potential dating interest. A lot of PUA tactics essentially involves baiting others into showing interest in you, since a lot of what many women will do in terms of evaluation is observe how other women react to you and for many in fact probably a majority this is the only route towards baseline consideration, for them to directly observe other women being obviously attracted to you. Reality is that you have to be assessed by women as a top 5% pick as a prerequisite, even before any notions of compatibility even begin to be entertained.


Great post! I would like to see elaboration on these points, I think there is certainly a high potential for interesting discussion.

It's not the cockiness and the arrogance that draw women, it's that these guys are highly motivated to "hack" females receptivity systems and one surefire way to do that is through humor and an aura of social masterfulness which indicate that they will be fun to hang out with and will protect her. The fact that these guys have zero to little interest in considering a females needs for long goes over the heads of unprepared or vulnerable targets, ( or targets who are equally cocky and arrogant and are drawn to someone like them, it's true that some females DO desire these traits as well, ruthlessness can signal evolutionary fitness of a kind). Trust me though, most females are more seeking the fun humor and feelings of being protected, and the subsidiarity traits of non NTs combined with some of the "receptivity hacks" actually create some probability of being successful with a compatible gal. What a lot of NT females don't realize is that the skills of aspies are evolutionarily valuable. .. but to be fair, it isn't fair to blame them, but thousands of years of preceding evolution for their shortsightedness+ a rather dense culture. Luckily there are actually women out there who prefer non Neanderthals. The secret is fun!

No, girls don't want a-holes. Girls just want confident men most of the time. Men who are not desperate, have their own hobbies, do their own thing.

When there is a choice between an a-hole that is confident (or displays a false confidence), and a "nice guy" that lacks self-confidence...they will choose the a-hole every time.

Very interesting, could you elaborate about this?

My theory is that the barrier to baseline consideration makes such things necessary. It's either find way around the barrier or else remain single permanently.

An ASD sort of analogy to this: As a gamer I know that >99% of video games are absolutely crap that are irredeemably awful. Therefore it is almost impossible for a video game advertisement to catch my interest as I unfavorably compare them in an extremely cynical way to the very greatest games of the past ~25 years.


Absolutely true. My gut feeling is that guy having either low confidence or "nice guy" qualities or both that it signals to women that the relationship would be an abject waste of time.

I have been nice to many women and have been asked out by them from out of nowhere. Was not looking for love or anything. Back then I wasn't a confident man. Stop generalizing women and blaming them for your problems.

Yes barrier to baseline consideration is necessary from a natural selection standpoint! The irony is that in the end, female developed strategies for selecting good mates can still backfire as more ruthless males can take motivation to succeed sexually and combine this with reduced empathy to shore up a more effective, but antisocial and ultimately damaging strategy for bypassing these barriers. This is COMMON among NT males and is a huge factor in a lot of females' cynicism after one too many run ins.
For males, getting bitter about the difficulty of gaining female consideration without the use of these tactics is counterproductive, marks them as vindictive, negative and therefore dangerous and makes mate success all that much more remote.

So practically speaking, to outperform such males I would say number one, seek genuine healing from all influences in life that have led to the accumulation of negating and self defeating states.

Number two, take what's good from their toolbox: slowly but surely build the inner affirm ation that you are inherently desirable, your energy is valuable, being rebuffed is no big deal because it does not reflect on your inherent worth. ... spend time practicing having a baseline level of love for oneself that has to be matched by a female.
*That way insecurity will not override compatibility. It may take some time and a lot of practice.

Then when you express interest in someone, there will be an inherent joy behind it that is far more appealing than the shifty flattery of "arrogant cocky as*holes". Be sure this can be sustained without too much strain because if it all falls to pieces it can be excruciating for both parties.

Make sure that the female you are interested in would be capable of both strength and empathy / understanding so you aren't wasting your time! Make sure she values the things you do.

I was explaining to my Aspie boyfriend the other night that I'd been feeling frustrated because I like to flirt, and we never flirt. .. and he told me he genuinely didn't know how. I ended up detailing to him my idea of flirting in a way I never had been pressed to do before:

Take an observation about something regarding the person that could be perceived at face value as negative, and joke with them about it while at the same time beaming positive feelings towards them and smiling. This is a classic NT move where content and body language do not match up, it's very playful.

I explained too that this actually takes defenses down and if done right can make a person feel safe (counterintuitive I know) because it shows that even though imperfections or awkwardness or potentially negative things are on the radar, it doesn't mean they diminish acceptance or positive feelings, and it adds some excitement because it challenges the recipient to maybe banter back. The challenge is to do it in a way that doesn't genuinely hurt feelings which can be hard esp in that it requires some awareness of facial expressions and body language OR a historical working knowledge of what is below the belt to that person.

First he cried out that this seemed very rude and disingenuous, that it reminded him of bullying. I assured him I wouldn't take it that way. After expressing frustration and disbelief that he could flirt with me he immediately started to clown me and it was hilarious and we both ended up laughing super hard.

* and in his classic fashion, once he realized the systemic constants he upped his game quickly and it was more original and adorable than any kind of flirting I'd ever encountered!!

Self proclaimed nice guys are just as bad as cocky arrogant guys. Gross, selfish, entitled and irresponsible.

Nothing is ever their fault, its always the women who won’t have sex with them.

Note. Women are not vending machines you put kindness chips into and get sex or relationships out of.

One guy did this to me recently when I went into suicide mode.

Doesn’t understand why I no longer want a conversation with him. If he ever directly asks, I’ll tell him it’s because he’s a disgusting, entitled a***hole.

Yeah I wish humans would stop perpetuating this limited binary of "nice guy" vs "cocky as*hole"

What about a well rounded human being, practiced in both courtesy and fun. The internet is jammed with how tos.

For aspie fellas it may appear at face value that there is an integrity issue here. But explored more deeply one can find that there actually isn't, there are biological reasons why both kindness and self assurance, while maybe difficult to develop or come by for any human in this frequently frustrating and irritating world, are essential and valuable in a mate and it isn't necessary to have a catch22 situation where one value must be sacrificed to possess another. This nihilistic fallacy is perpetuated constantly by certain communities on the nets however and I think sexually frustrated guys are targeted particularly heavily and influenced so their pent up aggression, sadness and fear gets directed at females as a demographic.

The evolution of both qualities in an individual of any neurotype and sex can occur, sustainable and happy love is real, (even if it does indeed boil down to chemicals).

I definitely don’t see people as binary, but I’m only talking about a***holes and nice guys, so didn’t feel the need to bring up acceptable, decent people, which exist in plenty. They’re not part of my conversation.

I’ve got no time for douches or desperados, but plenty of time for the good dudes.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 24 Jun 2018, 7:26 am, edited 1 time in total.