Didn’t come as a surprise that he was a virgin!

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I do understand that women have a set of very real challenges like the ones you're talking about, and I wish you women didn't have to reckon with those either.

I guess what I was trying to say is that my situation encompasses a lot more than an isolated rejection, or a fear of rejection. The hardest thing for me isn't rejection itself. It's dealing with these intense urges and desires that I lack the means to satisfy or do anything with other than get depressed about them and frustrated with them. And then there's the fear that this is the way I'll continue to feel for my entire life, and nothing will improve as has been the case up until now. That I'll never get to have a romantic partner, but I can't shelter myself from reminders of the normality of romantic success. I'm also forced to feel horribly undesirable and unwanted. It really is a daily struggle that I'd give anything to be rid of.

I understand your feelings. I'm really sorry that you haven't found a romantic partner, and that it's affecting your mental health. I know how hard that can be.

It may not be any consolation, but I didn't find love until age 51. I went almost 18 years without dating because of PTSD from relationship trauma, SA trauma, and the stresses of single-parenting as an autistic woman working full-time.

I didn't think I wanted to try again or that anyone would be interested in me at this age, but I managed to take a chance and fall in love. There's always hope for good people, even if it takes longer than one would expect.

I'm glad that things eventually worked out for you, and I'm sorry you had to face some hardships along the way.

It'd be great if I was lucky on my first try, but i guess I'm at a place where I'm not even really thinking about finding "The One". I'm more concerned with getting to date at all and getting to finally have experiences that I've longed for for over a decade with someone who's actually interested in me.

It shouldn't be this hard. The fact that it is makes me feel like I must be really horrible as a dating prospect.

It might be easier for a woman to “get sex.” But this doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things (i.e., “so what?”)

Many times, though, the sex sucks for many reasons. It’s probably harder, actually, for a woman to have satisfactory sex, all things considered, than it is for a man to have satisfactory sex.

Bad sex is worse than no sex at all. And bad sex doesn’t lessen the possibility of pregnancy, STDs.

Imagine feeling pain and other unpleasant sensations, then becoming pregnant as a result? And saddled with the responsibility for another life without a loving partner by her side? We men don’t have to experience that.

In essence, what I'm saying is that it really doesn't matter who "has it easier."

It's a heckuva lot more complex than that.

It's a futile argument that gets us nowhere, and causes lots of tumult.

^^

I agree on all points KK.

These threads are not productive at all.

Oh I was just curious, why would a man be more easily satisfied or just do they have lower standards usually?

It took a heavy slant toward reality, because a few of the male posters kept asking why dating might be difficult for women.
Someone suggested the only thing women had to worry about was "being rejected by Chads", which was laughable.

The original topic from Jamesy was whether and how a woman can spot a virgin man.
That was a question which women should be answering, not men.
That's why women came to this thread.

Men went off topic to talk about their loneliness and frustration as virgins, including three men (Aspie1, ironpony, and Nades), who aren't even virgins. They were veering off topic from Jamesy's question, so the women who were here to answer Jamesy's question started answering yours as well.

I'm sorry you find the topic of sexual assault and violence against women to be a downer.
I'm not a fan of it either and that's why we spoke up.

Given the rude tone of some of the earlier posts ("stick your wang in her ... lie to her ... deceive her ...") and the assertions that men were making on women's behalf (..."you can get sex whenever you want it" ...), it was important to protect women's sexual safety and set the record straight.

Sorry to rain on your parade, or Jamesy's.



If I knew how to circle things on a picture, I'd point out the high number of these risk factors I've seen happening in this thread, and around L&D in general.

Edit:
I figured out how to circle. Here's a sample of behaviours I've seen and experienced personally, on Wrong Planet. Some but not all of it can be seen in this thread. I know many other members who have witnessed similar sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and stalking either on the forum, or in Private Message from fellow members. There could be more going on that I'm not even aware of.

Thanks to Alex, Cornflake, and our mod teams past and present for helping to keep WP a safer place for all.

Yeah women have to generally worry about more than men while dating but come on....you're making it seem like serious sexual assault is inevitable for women while dating.

Says who?
Non virgin men are also able to provide decent input to that question.

.

This is how the thread would naturally go.

What's happened here to make you speak up about sexual violence? Literally nothing has happened other than perhaps overly confident and generalising assertions made by some posters that doesn't even revolve around sexual assault.



So? People are well within their right to lie, especially if they feel telling the truth will put them under pressure to reveal stuff they're embarrassed about and especially if they think they have to reveal an autism diagnosis, past sex abuse or bullying. What type of questions will follow if you reveal you're a 30 year old virgin to a potential sexual partner? Lets be honest. I dread to think how awkward that would make that person feel and for what exactly?

I also complemented the woman who failed to reveal her virginity to Ironpony and managed to bed him. It was a good move on her half and I'm very much for both men and women lying to get into bed with other men and women. There's info people need to now before jumping into bed and info that is nobodies business. Virginity is in the category of nobodies business.


Over exaggeration.

We have to grow up from “who has it harder?”

If you get the idea that men “have it harder,” or that we have “lower standards” or whatever, then you WILL “have it harder” for thinking merely in those terms.

Both men and women must grow away from these ideas, and diversify their philosophy of life, knowing that there’s much variation amongst all genders.

Nades,

I've posted a considerable amount of empathy for the distress of virgin men.
I've started threads about men's mental health, men's abuse, and men's rights.
I've written about men's sexual assault, gender equality, and LGBTQ rights.

I've written in this thread that I recognise the trauma of some lonely, virgin men.

I've answered every question posed to me, even though most of the men ignored my answers.
I've answered honestly based on my own experiences, in response to other women's (TP), and based on stats.

No, not all women are abused or assaulted, but the fear of assault is with women and the LGBTQ community their entire lives. They risk being invalidated, shamed, or exploited as I've said. I'm not going to ignore that dynamic when I'm asked why dating might be difficult, or when members say they are asking a "sincere, genuine question" about my point of view.

Please note that the pyramid I just posted doesn't say "women" on it anywhere.

These are issues confronted by all human beings, and especially those on the autism spectrum.

Edit again: Add "cat calls" to the list of WP behaviour.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 11 Jul 2022, 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have but I can't help gut get the feeling you done so in an attempt to vent your own personal grievances on the thread and done so in a slightly condescending way too. You even said only women should answer the question.

Slightly condescending?

In my opinion I've been more than supportive toward members of all experiences.

Jamesy's question was "What do you think the woman might be implying about my cousin when she said that it did not surprise her?"

The question wasn't only for women, but it stands to reason that women might have more insight than men.
Ideally, the best woman to answer the question would be the one who met Jamesy's cousin for herself.
Too bad he didn't ask her directly, instead of wanting to know the assumptions of strangers online.

Erm, no.

She's being as clear as possible and you're still not getting it.

It actually doesn't really matter if somebody is "not surprised" one is a virgin.

If I had told people I was a virgin when I was 18 (when I wasn't a virgin), they wouldn't have been surprised. So what? Big deal.

In the grand scheme of things, this sort of thing really has little significance. Especially if it occurred years ago.

You certainly have been, and you haven’t been condescending.

I think it’s important to demonstrate how many variables there are which can make dating a challenge for some women, especially when posters claim, as they’ve done in this and recently locked threads, that it’s easier for women or even that one should take their stated problems “with a grain of salt.”