Got anything random to say? L&D Version.

Post Reply New Topic

I dunno it's a bit deep

I'll keep you updated when I've worked out a simplified way of saying it

I mean like, say like you've done really bad things to people all your life and then you meet a person who you know you could also do really bad things to but instead you choose to love them instead of hurt them and you don't want anything at all in return and it's like you're making up for all the damage and destruction you've caused

I see that as a shot at redemption

It's also really narcissistic as well when you think about it...never mind

I see what you mean. I'm not sure about the narcissism though. You're sort of making amends to the universal, whatever that might be for you. I suppose its narcissistic if your universal is yourself. But the end result is positive whatever, so that's okay isn't it?

Yeah that's what I'm thinking....if no one gets then that's all that counts

I never told mom the ring arrived in the mail because I know what she will ask. She will ask what the letter said, but there was no letter inside, and that was far more devastating than the ring itself.

they may be collateral damages. They are hit by our interest (because it's not love) for ourselves.

In my ADHD world, forever doesn't exist

I don't know what you just said mate

because you wrote


We "love" just to redeem ourselves. They are there by chance.

Don't mind me. ATM, I'm very confused

Oh right I get what you mean now

I was reading something in another thread & suddenly started wondering how someone can tell the difference between a woman in an abusive relationship being isolated from her family vs a woman who has very codependent relationships with her family & her romantic partner being protective & encouraging her to set some healthy boundaries

There’s always other problematic behaviors going on besides limiting contact with friends and family in abusive relationships although that’s where it can start. With that being said, I probably wouldn’t appreciate being discouraged from seeing family even if it would be good for me to limit contact with them. I prefer making those decisions myself without outside interference/influence. However, if a person said that they wanted their partner to help them set boundaries or if the family was engaging in abuse, that’s something else. Those are just some of my thoughts on the matter.

When I was in abusive situations I limited my own contact with my family because I didn't like keeping "boyfriend secrets" or risking the chance they'd find out. It was very scary having to lie to my family about why I couldn't attend events, why my partner wasn't coming to family gatherings, or even the basic facts of how I was doing. I felt intense guilt and shame because I knew my parents didn't like those people and actually warned me against being with them in the beginning, but I didn't listen and thought I knew better. I didn't want the "I told you so" thing, but even worse was my fear that they'd freak out and push me into a dangerous situation by forcing me to escape when I wasn't ready. I was also convinced that if my dad knew what was going on he'd have a heart attack and die.

For those reasons I limited my own contact with friends and family. I knew if someone even scratched the surface I'd infodump and start a chain of events I wasn't ready to confront. That would have meant the financial expense of lawyers but also the risk of losing custody of my kids, which would have made me take my life.

TLDR: - I restricted myself from friends and family because I wasn't ready to take the next steps. Ultimately however, it's still the fault of the abuser(s). It's not something I would have done randomly on my own.

To support someone to create healthy boundaries, you shouldn't be very protective. They need to build their boundaries and strengthen them. They need to be exposed. Preventing them to see their family, or being always present or controlling the interactions are not ways to help. Protection should be limited to extreme cases. It should prevent abuses.
I know someone that protected his wife so much that now she cannot even leave home alone, and he complains about it.
I am not saying that controlling and protective are at the same level, but I don't like protective either. The direction is the same

I think some people turn into absolute f*****g lunatics when they get in a relationship

It's like they can't handle it or something

My bf is so cute

He talks me through imaginary conversations he's had with people who have pissed him off and then when he's finished with his story he says: well I didn't actually say that

I never let him know that I already know that he didn't actually say that