Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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Malcontent; Are you saying nice guys finish last because you see yourself as one? You seem to know quite a bit about your

subject, from love to rejection, and lots in between. Take my advice any way you want, but I think it's important that when seeking

a relationship, you refrain from lumping people into categories. You aren't just a "nice guy". You're YOU, with unique talents and

interests that are completely different from everyone else! Same goes for women. There are three BILLION people in this world,

more than half of whom are women. Just by being yourself, the nice guy that you are,(and a little patient), you'll find a girl who's

perfect for you. I guarantee it.

That's just horrible advice. As an Aspie, it takes a whole lot of practice and perseverance to make yourself even remotely likable for a woman. Just being yourself is far from enough ! ! !

Also, I wouldn't know even where to meet women if I wouldn't be explicitly looking for them. I work among mostly males, my friends are all either males or lesbians and I have no hobbies that can get me to socially interact with women. Just hanging out at the usual places does not allow me to meet new women. If I'd just waited "until the right one comes along" and just been myself, I would have been a 28-year-old virgin.

I must say that there is this phrase that states "opposites attract." But you are totally right about this good guys finish last deal, me and my buddies fall into this catergory and all of us are pretty much single. But whatever I have school to actually mainly concentrate on and i need to work on getting to a four year university, so serious relationships can be a burden sometimes. But I believe that if you have "good guy" characteristics, you will probably end up with one of those "bad girl" types who tend to be physically attractive and very flirtacious. If you are a "good girl" type of person, who will probably end up with one of those guys with a "bad guy" attitudes or in some cases, jackass attitudes (my mentioning of these last two comparisends are two total opposites of each other: note).

Opposites do attract. In fact, my last ex-girlfriend was in many ways my opposite and the sex has never been as passionate as it was with her

Unfortunately, my ex-girlfriend and I differed so much emotionally and intellectually we just failed to communicate correctly on whatever issues we had. So while opposites may attract, they make very unstable relationships.



It'll get better when you're 20-something.



I disagree. Couples who are somewhat alike in personality or at least perspective have the most stable relationships.

Opposites DO NOT attract. It's the "takers" that seek out the "givers". The "givers" ALWAYS have learn the hard way before avoiding "takers" and only seeking out other "givers".
It's the law of give and take. Lesson for ALL the aspie men...don't grow old chasin' a "taker".

The problem is that some takers appear to be givers and vice versa. It isn't always obvious before you enter in a relationship with them and even during the first few months one can be deceived.

Shallow girls DO want tough guys because it's those tough-guy jerks who are just as shallow as the shallow girls who chase them. Opposites DO NOT attract. They deserve each other because they'd drown with anyone who had a slightest degree of "depth" to their personality.
I had a neighbor who was the shallowest young man in the world. Girls would kill each other over him...because he was "good looking". These girls are superficial because they are "SHALLOW". There is nothing to them. They like to compete for a shallow man. If they win, they get the "rush" that is needed by people who simply lack depth. They need the rush because that's all they have...no depth, no vision, no nothing...except living for the moment. When they grow old and lose their looks, they'll be doing all king of insurance fraud so they have the dough to get plastic surgery and compete with 20 year olds. Do you see what I'm getting at? Why in the world would any man (aspie or NT) be sad that a woman like this doesn't want him? The shallow ones are good for sex, because again, comes that momentary rush that the shallow individual that lacks depth MUST have....because to them THERE IS NOTHING ELSE but the RUSH. People who seek the RUSH become like dope to lonely people because lonely people chase them who are chasing rushes. It's an illusion like chasing an attractive butterfly...right off of a cliff to your doom. I'm trying really HARD to wise some of you youngins up. I hope it's working. STAY AWAY FROM SHALLOW PEOPLE. You can't change them. They lack proper upbringing. They grew up in homes where people were too needly to give, so they learned to take from whoever else was giving. It's the parent who is "supposed" to give unconditional love. So these shallow people grow up taking from all those around them and think they are worthy of the unconditional love that they parents should have given them but could not. It's not up to you to do this for them. Dating is supposed to be about having fun NOT fixing people. They'd have to be born all over again into nurturing families or families with different DNA or both. DATE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD FOR YOU...not people the media deem to be perfect or the ones who have issues.

People who were abused or neglected strangely enough behave in a similar fashion. Don't think you can help someone who was beaten or sexually molested by a family member by giving her your unconditional love. She will take advantage of you and the emotional hangover you get from such a relationship is immense.

WTF?! !

As someone who was abused, I find that comment to be utter BS. Let's get something straight, no, you can't change people, and yes, those of us who were abused do unfortunately have emotion baggage that we will never be able to get rid of and some of us are at terms with who we are and what love really is supposed to be, but for you to say we take advantage of anyone who loves us is ridiculous!
I don't know where the hell you got that idea, but you're way off. Jesus, the stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me!

Why is is that some think that people who were abused are needy, clingy people looking for someone to emotionally leech on?! ! WTF is wrong with them?

Assumptive and inaccurate. It is depressing to find more encouragement to stereotype and discriminate here.


M.

Because many people turn out to be exactly like that. Of course one cannot generalise, but my ex-girlfriend was one of them and as much as I tried to make her life better she only made mine more miserable.



It's not a stereotype. It's reality ! !

Obviously not ALL people are like that, but many are. In fact, many conditions (like scizophrenia and BPD) are triggered by abuse during childhood. My father always said "If you've never been loved you don't know how to love" and my experiences with other people seems to suggest my father had a point.

Well i know what you are saying and so far all the experiences and what not probably back up your belief but i think that truly there is a great person for evrybody. It may seem like the good guys always finish last but i look at it differently....The good guy always finishes first when its right time. So maybe you have an ideal person right now and things don't work out; think of it as a new and better opportunity and not "just another dissapointing effort".

I understand what you are saying but its not always true I don't think. There is someone out there for everyone and if she has to go through a whole bunch of jerk guys before she mets the right guy then so be it. Maybe she's not that into you right now but you never know what could happen in the future.

Yes, nice guys are usually shy and awkward around girls, but girls appreciate sincerly nice guys because there arent many left nowadays. All it takes is one time of gettng to know some one for them to realize what a nice guy you are. :]

You're basing your understanding of these conditions and their effects based on your experience with one person? *shakes head* On what basis do you say that schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder are created instead of born? While childhood trauma can act as a trigger, the condition (at this point) appears to something preexisting in the individual's make-up instead of resulting purely from an external event. Again, please provide a basis for your claims here, as from all my reading these are conditions that are not driven by raw causality but by predisposition. No, not all people are like that... not even most. What you're describing is what I refer to as 'toxic people' because - no matter their condition or cause - they are unhealthy to be around. That doesn't require a medical diagnosis, either. I'd amend your father's words: "If you've never been loved, you neither know how to express it or how to receive it." - it doesn't mean one doesn't know how.


M.

I'm basing my understanding of BPD on three women I've been very close with : my ex-girlfriend and my two best friends. And of course, I've done some searches on the DSM-IV and other diagnostic criteria as well as the neurological aspects.



There seems to be both a genetic and an environmental factor.



So you're suggesting that neglect and abuse during childhood does not tend to lead to antisocial behavior?!?



In case of my ex-girlfriend, I see no reason to believe she has a clue what love is all about. Her selfish attitude towards relationships shows she's at least very confused about the whole concept.