Desire and the Destruction of Friendships

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Suggest whatever you want to whoever you want. But bear in mind that while nobody on this board has to "ok" your approach, the woman you are suggesting it to certainly does. And the odds of you finding her are vanishingly small. Because although she does exist, since there are >6billion people out there, your chances of finding her are stastically very, very, very low since what you want runs counter to what nearly every woman wants.

I have been told in the past by a few ladies that I come across stuck up and I really just didn't notice they were interested in me. It also may be my own conception of thinking there couldn't be anyone possibly interested in me, which I find myself thinking often.

I have a similar problem. So far nearly 100% of the people in my life who I've considered to be friends have grown tired of me and decided rather suddenly no longer to be friends with me, at some point or another. They don't go quietly though. Most of them feel the need to make me feel really badly about myself for being different(socially ret*d >_>), first. -.-;

This seems like a different issue--unless they stopped being friends because they wanted more and you didn't give it.

I've had some people I considered friends suddenly decide to stop talking to me, often without explanation, but that has always made me wonder if we were ever friends to begin with. The people I really have felt a mutual understanding with have mostly stuck around though.

I have also pushed some people away who seemed to be clinging to me, but these were mostly religious people whose idea of socializing was attending church functions. Those kind of people have always been the most socially enthusiastic I've known, and my being atheist/agnostic never seemed to register with them.

Of course they wanted more and I didn't give it. They wanted me to be something I'm not, and felt the need to make me feel bad for being unable to fulfill their demands @_@;;

andriarose, young men have a black/white view of things.

If you show that you like them then you are a potential marriage/sexual partner.

They want to "cut to the chase" to find a sexual/marriage partner who will love them and cling to them.

If you tell them that you like them "but not in that way" you are really going to annoy them.

andriarose, I understand your situation. I've tried to be just friends with guys and they tried it on. One I found physically repulsive but I enjoyed talking with him. I was not single when I met this guy and he was about 15 years older than me. He tried it on when I broke up with my then bf. I've had this experience with many guys, so I know it's not me. I would agree with those who have said about having gay friends, these would be best, male mind structures with no sexual intent, thus easier for Aspie women to talk to and be friends with. NT women can be really hard to understand sometimes.

biostructure, you are not able to contribute here. You have no knowledge of what you are talking about. Everyone has the right to say no about access to their body if that is what they want. Get councilling because this attitude of yours is a few steps from scary.

I sympathise with you Andria, a lot of men (myself included) can be very emotionally naive, and allow themselves to fall for women who are less likely to reciprocate those feelings and we do have great trouble dealing with it. However, this is not the fault of the woman, nor the man, sometimes these things happen.

There are many men out there who are quite happy with being friends with girls (myself included again ) so eventually these problems you are having with platonic friendships should subside eventually as you get older and the men around you start to mature. Women often mature quicker than men, and it takes many different rites of passage for a man to eventually step up to the plate and become a man. So things should get better soon enough .

With regards to the "friends with benefits" argument, the whole "friends with benefits" thing is a concept that can be a double-edged sword as one of each party is often prone to developing emotional attachments quite easily, and only people who have control over their minds in this capacity should fully engage in this activity.

Sorry, this attitude of yours sounds very one-sided, and is what I see as one of the negative consequences of feminism.

You women seem not to grasp the full weight of the fact that it is absolutely trivial for you to get access to a male body whenever the heck you please, to fulfill all your curiosity and needs for pleasure (whether for anything from cuddling to sex or in between).

I understand that some of the women on here want friendship with a man without there being any desire on his part for intimacy with your body. But the other side of this is, why do those men at the other end of this deal find it so hard to accept this? The answer is that they find it very difficult to get their sexual desires fulfilled, and are nearly always "starved" for contact with a female body--sometimes (though less often) even when in a relationship.

You, though, seem to get the idea that we are not even permitted to sit at the table and negotiate on how to meet our needs too. Yes, we want friends just like you, but for me part of a friend is being sympathetic to my wants and needs, and considering them meaningful enough to try and help me fulfill them. If you say you are so much better at relating to men than to women that you mostly want male friends, WHY don't you also identify with our sexual desires enough to sincerely desire the same activities? In reality it seems you don't identify well with either gender.

Read my comment about the apple stores in the thread about the jerks and nice guys--it seems that is the clearest explanation I have been able to give.

I say again that your attitude seem a little scary and that I think you need councilling. I could say more but to explain my views I would have to disclose painful and private information that I have only discussed with my boyfriend. I am not negitave in the least, not am a rampant feminist, I only believe in equality.

If there is a woman who wishes to open herself up to the certian pain of a friends with benifits, that's her choice. The fact that womens bodys start to form (slowly) a hormone called oxytocin from the first sexual encounter (a lot of the time) and mens bodys don't form this hormone (until they choose to commit to the woman). Just to explain, oxytocin is a bonding hormone. So a woman could be all in love with a man and he then finds a woman that he wants a real relationship with and breaks the original womans heart because she'd love him but he wouldn't love her. I say again, you don't understand about this subject matter.

When I say this, I am not saying that a man is in any way obligated to stay friends when he wants to be more but he has no right to expect sex from a woman friend. Putting pressure on a 'friend' to accept sex or the friendship ends is wrong also. If a woman has made it clear that she doesn't want a sexual relationship in the begining, and the man stays about, it is his choice but he shouldn't expect the womans choice to change. Nor should a man assume that because a woman is single that she in any way wants a relationship.

You seriously need to get help. You've already shown quite clearly that you are a rapist in the making, and the people here, including myself, have a right to find that scary. The things you want are simply not acceptable on any level. You can't make choices for other people. When you start to do so, or desire to do so, it crosses the boundary from 'minority opinion' to 'harmful intent'.

For your own sake, please talk to your doctor or therapist about this as soon as possible. People already accuse aspies of being rapists. Don't make it true.

To get back on track....


When you say it's easier making male friends than female friends, could it be that the males are more receptive to you because your an attractive woman, rather than having a geniune interest in being friends? When you say that you relate better to men, is this because you are just used to hanging around them and are comfortable with them, or is it something else?

It's more due to the fact that I have a very sciency brain. Girl talk is something I really don't understand. I can discuss politics, the latest discoveries, culture, history... but don't ask me about celebrities, clothes, or the latest gossip. Women who are also very intellectual, normally in a more science/math/computer area, I get along with perfectly fine. It's the fact that women like that are the minority that makes it difficult.

I am well aware of the various biological and evolutionary hypotheses that have been proposed to account for the fact that the average woman is more sexually restricted than the average man. But here we are talking about women who seem to identify mentally more with males. So wouldn't it seem rather logical to think that they might be more masculine in their hormone and bonding patterns too? At least, this is the kind of female friend I'm looking for--though someone with a more female mind but male sexuality would be ideal, I think that would be less common.

I never suggested that women should not have choices. What smacks of feminism is the fact that you seem to find it perfectly normal to be so hypersensitive and intolerant toward men who would be happier if you made different choices. We all (male or female) constantly make various choices, but usually we just deal with the fact that others may be pleased or displeased about them without the need to get so defensive.

And just to let you know, the few women I have heard about (online, unfortunately not IRL) who appear to be more male in their sexuality seem to often wind up in a position quite similar to yours, namely finding the average woman difficult to relate to. So in reality, even if you aren't like this, you should be more in a position to understand that than the average person.

biostructure. Please leave this thread open for those who have constructive advise for andriarose. What you want does not help her figure out a solution to her problem.

I'm not being hyper sensitive in the least. I have had the experience many times of saying no to men and them not listening, one time to a particularly harmfull result towards me.

And just to clarify, just because a woman has a more male style brain, it doesn't mean that they think of sex in the same way, women are wired differently than men regardless of brain style.

Perhaps befriending extremely attractive/high status guys who would never date you because they're dating cheerleaders would be the way to avoid potentially friendship destroying attraction on their part. You might find yourself on the other side of the fence, though.

If you're befriending mainly nerdy, unconfident dudes be forewarned that most of them get so little female attention that they tend to see prolonged attention from a cute girl over time as positive evidence for attraction. Mere enjoyable conversation with you is seen as an indicator of interest to some of these guys. I know I have made this mistake.