Question for the women, trying to understand something.

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Whoever said that to you was a basket case, I can imagine you were understandably pissed.

It's hard to avoid the crazy ones man, they look just like the normal ones.

Maybe the answer is to stop trying to be in a relationship.

Before you or anyone else starts in on how my saying that is dismissive, let me explain something.

I was married for seven years to an abusive alcoholic. When I finally left him, at first I was terrified of men, did not even want to be on the same grocery isle as them. As time went by and I healed a little bit I started to miss being together with someone. At first it was more to prove that I was still desirable I think. However I was still pretty damaged from being with my X and so my choosing of partners was not good. After dating several guys that only wanted sex and not an actual relationship I was hungry for someone that really wanted to connect with me mentally and emotionally.

Sadly I did not find that. Another year went by and I became so desperate to be fulfilled this way that I gave off what could only be described as an aura of desperation. Naturally I found no one, I was too intense. I frightened people. My need to be "coupled" was primal. Finally I did find someone, but he was weak minded, spineless. He did not fully appreciate me, he never wanted to go out in public with me, despite the fact that I was the best looking woman who had ever paid attention to him for longer than two minutes. (That is not my bragging, he was really kind of messed up)

We broke up, we got back together, we split up again after only one week. After not seeing him for several months he popped back into my life and I was still so desperate to be with someone that I put up with him dropping in and out of my life for several more months. He wasn't my boyfriend, he was just some guy that I sometimes had sex with. I was not happy with that, but I put up with it because I couldn't find anything else.

Then one day it just was not enough anymore and I decided that I would rather be alone than be in an unsatisfying situation. I realized that I was worth more than I was getting for putting myself out there and I refused to do it any more.

Once I reached this point, once I decided that I would just be alone because there was no one near me that could fulfill my needs and that I would not settle any longer, that is when I met my current husband.

We are not perfect, we both have our quirks and our differences. But he understands me, he accepts all of me, even the parts of me that are incredibly annoying to him. If I had known what it would be like I would have resolved to wait from the beginning.

No I have not been alone for 42 years, I have not even been alive that long. I do understand feeling alone, utterly alone. I get the need to connect on an emotional and mental level. I have intimate knowledge of the primal drive to connect to another human being. So please do not dismiss my desire to help out of your own frustration.

But you're human, not a simple sponge. The great thing about being such is that you can rise above what's happened to you.



I disagree. I understand that aspies deal with a lot - meltdowns, depression, social issues - and more, but other people do not 'make you' who you are. You do have personal responsibility in all this.

IMHO, I think your pain is one of your obsessions. You hold so tightly to it and nurture it and encourage it to grow because it's something you can control.



But you're not listening. This whole thread is full of suggestions, but because of your negative image of yourself, you react by getting defensive instead of taking it in as the positive feedback that it's meant to be.

No one is trying to beat you up. People are trying to help you.

I honestly don't know how this advice translates for someone with AS, but for NTs (addicts, especially), we're told to quit looking for someone else to fill the void inside us. We're encouraged to learn to enjoy our own company - take time just for us and learn to develop our own sense of well-being before trying to share ourselves with another.

Perhaps you could view the next few months as an opportunity and STOP searching for a woman who'll fix your life for you. Instead of thinking of all the things that have gone wrong and continue to go wrong in your life, meditate on what's right. Make a list of what you're thankful for, another for all your good qualities and all the things you do well. Maybe you could do some research on 'thought stopping' so you can learn how to lessen the negativity inside your head. It's possible that it's become a habit for you to think bad thoughts, but I do understand that it's also possible it might be part of your chemical make-up. At least you could try and see what happens.

As corny as it sounds, you have to get to a place of peace within yourself before you're going to become attractive to someone else. You seem to have a lot of expectations of what you think you deserve in terms of relationships, and I think it would help if you could let go, accept who you are, and learn to be content in any situation.

Great minds thinking alike and all that...

I have only ever had one boyfriend ever, and he is still my boyfriend.

You're very young though. I only ever got a boyfriend at 19... not because I wanted to but because I was scared of getting older without having any experience ith guys.

You are - You just told someone that she "was not giving them a chance" at the beginning of the thread.

People are trying to give you advice, but all you're doing is saying they're judging you and defending your actions. If you are really open to change, why are you defending your actions instead of working with the people in this thread to try and help yourself change?

You seem like you don't want to change at all, but want the world to change to suit you. If you are really open to change, please stop putting your back up and take some of the advice on board instead of defending why you're like that.

I have done that, a number of times. I have pretty much everything else I want out of life. I'm just missing a speical person to share it with. Like someone else in this thread said, a huge emotional need for me me is not being met and its tearing me apart. I'm not talking about sex, but a relationship.
I'm not holding onto the pain because I can control it. I'm not letting it go because if I do that, then I will allow myself to be hurt again. I will not be a doormat.
The reason I am not listening to anyones advice here is because I have tryed all this stuff before. Nothing works for me.
Other people have said it may a chemical imbalance. But I have seen what drugs have done to people. I will not take any drugs. I am going to go through life clear and free of drugs so I know my thoughts/ descions are my own. I will not be a zombie.
How come no one else in this thread will accept me for who I am? The only thing I want to change is giving out that vibe, but everyone else seems to want to totally change me.

Last edited by KenM on 31 Jul 2009, 4:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I said that the people that reject me are not givng me a chance. Has anyone else thoguht the the reason I say these direct staments instead of beating around the bush is because with my AS I CAN'T see the little social cues and all that and I want to know how the other person feels?

In these posts, you relate many instances where women DID give you a chance.Two dates is a chance. A kiss is a chance. So then what happened? My guess is you seemed like a guy who wanted to rush them into a relationship. When you start with the relationship talk and the feelings talk after just 2 dates or 1 kiss, you have blown the chance they give you. You are coming across as clingy. Two posters said the same thing: stop looking for a relationship. When you give off an air of "I want a relationship right now"- even on a dating sight- it will make women decide they don't want to go any further with you, even after giving you the chance of 2 dates or a kiss. You already have gotten dates, so you already know how to do that. So already you are doing well at the start but then blowing it. So...date. Just date. Let any relationship develop naturally with no rushing and no talk of feelings beyond "I like you, let's do this again". Save the feelings talk and the couple talk for after you are ALREADY in a relationship. If you do it prematurely- as you have been- there will be no relationship.

Ken, no one can offer you a quick fix. And to confine the conversation to getting dates is to completely ignore the core problems.

It's not about trying some gimmick for a few days and then dropping it because you've decided it doesn't work for you. This is about a lifestyle - a way of thinking and living which is going to require hard work from you and it may take months or years to develop. That's what you have to be committed to if you want to see change in the way women respond to you.



A woman deciding that she doesn't want to date you is not the same thing as treating you like a doormat. And you need to come to terms with the reality that you will risk suffering if you want to be loved.



Because the 'vibe' you give off isn't like a little patch of dirt that's going to be washed away in the shower. The impression you give to other people is made up of every part of you and it runs deep - both in the conscious and unconscious realm. And personal growth is synonymous with change.

As I told my husband of 19 years, whom I'm now separated from - (paraphrasing) 'You are free to stay as you are, but I don't want to be married to you'.

I'm the one in therapy, I'm the one working on myself everyday. I want to grow, and I do want to change. I want to live a full life and be a better person.

He, on the other hand, seems very content with the status quo. Even with the threat of divorce, he stands still, putting forth no effort, confident in the path he's chosen, saying all the while 'This is who I am.'

Ken, you did say that you weren't being given a chance from what I read - no one is putting words in your mouth.

If you are unwilling to let go of the pain and risk getting hurt again, then you will not find a relationship. This is my personal opinion, but why would anyone in the world want to be the undeserving target of pain and anger that they had nothing to do with? Get over it, or it will rule you.

You ask for help, and get mad when it isn't what you want to hear. You say that you can't pick up on cues, yet when you are given advice based on the experience of others, you rant that it is deceptive to not throw yourself at someone on the third date with the pressure of deciding if they want a relationship with you. Whether intended or not, that is the result.

The only way you are a doormat is if you refuse to dust yourself off and try again; otherwise, you are sitting stagnant and letting people walk all over you because you choose not to move on with your life. It is YOUR choice what you do in life; no one has 'made' you this way. You've had bad experiences, but that isn't an excuse... I have met people who have faced greater challenges who are not stained with the same bitterness you seem to be immersed in.


M.

Maybe they changed their mind. I change my mind a lot. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my husband and he told me I broke his heart when I told him it but he kept his hopes up and kept seeing me. Then a month later, we were in a relationship. It doesn't mean I lied, it meant I changed my mind and decided to be in a relationship with him.

I would recommend you finding a book called The seven Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make by Carolyn N. Bushong, L.P.C.

I think that might help you and it tells you what not to do when you are looking for a relationship. I don't see that as lying, I see it as changing your ways. Many people make these mistakes and this might make you happy when you hear this; do not expect people to read your mind, the author wrote. Many people make that mistake in a relationship. They think if their partner loves them so much, they would automatically know on their own. At least I never made that mistake.

The common mistake people make is forcing intimicy by rushing into a relationship. Like few others have said, do not tell women you are looking for a relationship because then it scares them away. Keep dating them and wait a while before you tell them. That is not being dishonest. It be dishonest if the lady asked you if you're looking for one and you say no. But if she never asks, you're not being dishonest for not telling her.


Here is a list of seven mistakes people make:


1. Forcing Intimacy
2. Exppecting your mate to read your mind (yes even NTs have that difficulty in relationships or when they are finding one so don't assume they have that power just because they are NT)
3. Playing the Martyr
4. Thinking you are always right
5. Rescuing your mate
6. Taking your mate for granted
7. Letting passion die


You might not do all these mistakes because I sure didn't but I had noticed I had made few of them also. I tried to rescue my first ex by trying to help him be independent and he just didn't want to do it and I kept playing the victim for him thinking "oh he is just young" "oh it's not his fault" "Oh I just need to keep helping him." I even made the same mistake again with my second ex. "Oh he is just suffering from PSTD so that's why he is acting this way" "Oh he has low self esteem but I will help him get over it" "Oh I will cure his ignorance by showing him that I can still use the computer when I use my bottle or pacifier and I am not a real baby."

See I played the martyr or did the rescuing your mate thing.


PS, you say you like honesty and are strong for it but when some people do give you honesty you get defensive and accuse them of judging you. Mmmmm. Why is that? I thought you can handle the truth? Now didn't you just mislead us, you were just dishonest with us because of this. This is just something for you to think about what I pointed out here to you.

We are telling you what vibe you are giving out by what actions men do and you too and you aren't following through. You are taking it as not accepting you for who you are and taking it as everyone wants to change you. I really thought you wanted to change but I guess I was wrong. I will never trust you again when you say you want to change.

You seem to talk about relationships way too much Ken. To most people, it's a frightening subject. Long term commitments aren't to be taken lightly, & mentioning it to a someone any earlier than after MANY dates will scare potential partners away.

I've been in a few relationships, but they never began with that intention. We just dated because we enjoyed it. Maybe after a while, we decided to date exclusively, then maybe after another while, we might plan further commitments. Saying something like "we'd make a good couple" is the worst thing you can do. People don't just decide to be a couple. They see each other as much as they like, which turns out being a lot, & essentially become a couple before they know it.

I'm guessing that never being in a relationship, you haven't developed a healthy fear of them and are ready to jump right in. Don't do it. I highly doubt you'd be happy for long with a woman who says "yes" as quickly as you want her to. That means she's desperate & likely clingy. You wouldn't know her well enough, & unless you're super-lucky & found your soulmate on the first try, she would annoy the hell out of you if she clung even if you wern't compatible. It's a bad place to be, so be careful what you wish for.

Date someone because it's fun & you enjoy thier company. If for any other reason, you're doing it wrong.