Long Distance/Online Relationships, all fantasy, or real

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Good gravy. Those are some long passages, and links, with TMI.

First, you sound really needy. Second, you sound unable to understand the basic human interactions. Third, it seems you lack self-confidence and a willingness to be hurt.

If you meet a girl like that, one who is willing to give you chance after chance, then you better have your crap together and know what needs to get done and what kind of crap you don't do.

So advice:

1. Get your crap together. If you fail to plan, plan to fail. Be comfortable in your own skin AND be willing to know you're da shizznitz (or have beau coup self confidence). If you're not ready to walk away, then you'll easily come off as needy.

2. Have a game plan for success. Know how to convey how good you are and how much her life would be better with you in it. Most people don't want additional baggage in their lives as they think they have soooo much already. Don't be baggage, nor don't appear to be baggage.

3. Understand there are ~6 Billion people on this planet. The Asian continent has the vast majority. You do NOT need to make every relationship work. Just the last one.

India, eh? I'm going to Chennai in Nov for a week. Interesting to see how the drought -> rain turned out. You don't write like most India folks I know

My, alot of what you say here reminds me of my ex and her friends.

think about coming together, and then not, and then leaving for another friend or guy, and coming back crap.

You say long distance relationships dont work, thats wrong.
They do, but they are somewhat rare.
I know a person who's been with her bf(long distance) for over several years (well i asume they are still together since she some months ago went to visit him)
She lives in america/canada and her bf lives in Holland.

There are of course lots of reasons for why long distance relationships dont work.

Sometimes it's because one of the parts are worrying themselfs sick --> What if something happend to the one you loved.
You wouldn't be able to do anything but just be worried like hell and wait til she would get home, or maybe contact her over the phone. But still, sometimes people need the ones they love to be there, and hug them and hold them.
Words dont always cut it.

And other times it's because either one of them finds another person who lives around where they do.
If that person is a decent person, you are already in danger cause most of the time they will favor that person.
Unless they are faithful and loyal to you of course.

And then there is also their friends.
They wouldn't want their beloved friend to sit home infront of the computer talking to some person who lives SO far away, would they?


I mean, there are alot of problems, but it is NOT impossible

The time BEFORE she rejected me was a week. The time AFTER she rejected me was a month. So totally I probably knew her for a month and a half. The reason I said a week is that I FELL IN LOVE with her within a week. I mean what do I love her for? Mostly for all the nice things she did to me. What are the things that I miss? What happened within first week. Thats why I said one week. But actually I saw her longer.



No, but I keep thinking that I had a chance to which I ruined due to telling her about my mom "who shelters me" and my ex "who did the same"; and also when she brought it up I failed to tell her that I don't require this kind of sheltering and they were sheltering me against my will.



The passive agressive behavior I described on that thread was A RESULT of her rejecting me, and it happened during the month that FOLLOWED the rejection, not the week that preceeded it. Since the cause can't happen after the effect, you can't possibly say that the email was the result of my behavior. Now, yes, she did give me chance after chance, but that were chances AT FRIENDSHIP, not the relatioship. The only thing you mentioned that preceeded the email was cheating thing, namely that I was with someone before I met her. But she didn't find out about it.

Her reason for rejecting me was that I needed a lot of sheltering, since I told her how my mom sheltered me and how my ex did the same. I was too shy about it so I didn't correct her on that, although I really think I should have -- I don't need sheltering; my mom THINKS I need it and she is wrong.



You assumed I broke up with them. Actually, THEY broke up with me. Now it is true that in case of Erin I didn't like her on the first place, while in case of Andrea and Jennifer my interest was high at first but then went down. Anita was the only painful breakup. But still, for the record's sake it was them who broke up.



No I actually loved Anne. Before she ever rejected me, I was totally taken by her. Mostly it was because she have shown how much she cares about me. She approached me first in a math class. This already is something I haven't experienced for YEARS. Then she invited me to study together. Then she also offered to cook for me, and she also offered to jog together on weekends, and to take me to movie theaters. I never had a girl express that much interest with me so I liked it.

There was also evidence that she had interest with me in that she mentioned how she has been looking at me in class ever since the beginning of semester, but I seemed to ignore her. Also, she said that she asked some people about me before she approached me. And one guy told her that he has been with me in the beginning of another class -- which I then dropped since it was too easy -- and he was impressed how I came up with original solutions to problems.

Then, at some point during these week she opened up to me a lot more than anyone ever did. When she told me about her bipolar she asked me whether having Asperger would give me some "inside", the kind of "inside" her bipolar gives her. She then clarified it by saying that a lot of people, including her classmates, are shallow and they just play video games and they don't want to go down to things that really matter. And she said that she believes that I am not like them and she said that the next year when we get our own offices (which only second year graduate students get) she would like to be in the same office with me. She told me that she only has two close friends she can trust: one is in Cincinatti where she was from, and the other is me. So see, I was one of her two close friends even though its only been three days she knew me!

In addition to all that, I also like her because she was a graduate student. None of the other girls that I have dated, except for Jennifer, has been to graduate school -- and Jennifer, even though at first she was on ph.d. program, eventually decided to leave with masters. Of course I don't know what Anne did, but based on statistics of most students I presume she followed through the program and got her ph.d. Also, the fact that Anne is math and I am in physics makes us have a lot in common since my area of physics is VERY close to math. On the other hand Jennifer is in biochemistry, which is not nearly as close. Also, even though Jennifer is a graduate student, she is mad at me when I study too much and ignore her, which probably reflects the fact that she is not in my field. I don't think I would have had the same problem if I were dating Anne.

In fact, Anne seemed to be very supportive of me in general. She was always reassuring me whenever I would complain about my studies not going well or anything of this sort. She was also worried when it seemed like I studied too much and didn't get enough sleep. Jennifer, the last girl I dated for almost two years, is diametric opposite to that. She would expect me to stay awake to spend time with her and would get mad if I get sleepy while we watch a movie -- even though she stays up till like 3 AM at times. Also, Jennifer expected me to pay for all our meals together; Anne on the other hand was always paying for me.

Speaking of our mutual interests, apart from the fact that I was in physics and she in math, we also had common interests elsewhere. For instance, we both were interested in studying mental illness. I know thats because we both HAD it: I had Asperger and she had bipolar. But still not everyone who has something diagnosible would go as far as study all the other mental disorders. Well, me and Anne both did. Also, Anne had similar childhood to me. She told me she never really had friends as a child and no one really liked her in school, I had the same experience. So we could relate on a lot of levels.

There were also a lot of anecdotal things where Anne offered me JUST what I been obsessing about the last few years. For instance when I was applying to graduate school, the school of my dreams was University of Chicago, and I was never admitted there (I met Anne in Michigan). Well, Anne was originally a graduate student at Chicago. She then dropped out because of her bipolar, and went to Michigan afterwords. So it is quite funny that she used to be in Chicago just like I wanted to be.

The other thing is that my family is Jewish and I was obsessed about "reversing" my Jewishness during the few years leading to when I met Anne. And then it turns out Anne was German, which made it seem like a perfect opportunity to do just that. Now, Jennifer is also German, but she is not purely German, because her dad doesn't know his own family very well, so Jennifer is only German by her mom's side. Anne on the other hand is German on all lines, as I have specifically asked her.



That is exactly what happened with me and Anne. When I read my own post that I made four years ago, then yes, it sounds like someone manipulating. But, at the same time, back then I didn't realize I was doing it. In fact I remember walking around for hours and thinking just what did I do wrong? Then I would analyze my own actions and think of the ways in which what I did was manipulative, but it would take SERIOUS thinking -- perhaps as much thinking as solving a difficult physics problem. And then I would think, did Anne really expect me to do THAT much thinking? Did she do THAT much thinking herself? No, she seems to treat it as something obvious. And then I would wonder just how can this possibly be obvious?

Now, when I look back at my own behavior from where I sit right now, then yes it is in fact totally obvious. But that is because I read it as if it is written by someone else. But back at the time when I was writing it, I looked at it from inside my own head and not someone else's perspective, so it wasn't obvious at all. In fact, back then I was thinking "here, I care about Anne so much, I think about her all day, I do all this effort to please her, why doesn't she return anything?" Right now I see that I don't care about Anne, I care about MYSELF, namely my own need to have Anne.

Now, yes, I did think of that answer back then to answer my own question. But then it felt like SUCH a fine line that one would need 200 IQ in order to figure out a difference between caring about Anne and caring about oneself, which immediately lead me to say that Anne wouldn't expect me to have 200 IQ points. Again, from right now I see that it only requires 100 IQ, not 200, to get this. My mistake was that I thought that being "selfish" is the same thing as purposely trying to piss people off in order to make them call me selfish. On the other hand, if I want people to THINK I care about them, then, by definition, I actually care about them, and if they don't think what I want them to think, it is "misunderstanding". This is obvious mistake since most selfish ppl want others to think they are caring. But again, it is only something I see now, not back then.



I saw myself a victim because of what I just said: I didn't KNOW I was manipulating. I thought my intention was the best possible one. And I still think I was a victim. Even though from where I sit right now I see that what I did back then was sheer manipulation, I HONESTLY didn't see it back then, so it feels unfair that I was punished for something I was unaware of.



That is only because I see myself as a victim so I want something to counter-balance my being a victim.



No that was AFTER she rejected me.



I am not saying they would think it is cool. They will probably be really mad at me. But this would take me far away from the victim status, which is why I want that.



If most people can learn from their mistakes, why wouldn't they get another chance with the girl that rejected them? So the girl assumes they do NOT learn. That is exactly why it is hard to get passed it. If someone is so SURE I can't possibly learn from my mistakes, isn't it a kind of condemnation, even if I don't have an interest in that particular person. Now, since MOST people don't give each other second chance, rather than just a person or two, doesn't it mean that it is a common knowledge that one can't learn from their mistakes? And if so, may be it is right. And if it is right, shouldn't I be obsessed over the fact that I can't possibly change, no matter how much I want to?

She gave me chance after chance AT FRIENDSHIP, not a relatioship. I mean, when I described on that post when she wanted to schedule more and more meetings with me and I deliberately kept missing them or comming late, etc., that is what happened AFTER the rejection letter, and it was my reaction to it. So since she already rejected me, you can't possibly say that these meetings were chances at a relationship.



What is "da shizznitz", and what is "beau coup"?




But the only time I have to "walk away" is when I am already rejected, so you can't say that my needy behavior that follows a rejection would cause the rejection that predeeded it.



I conveyed I was a baggage by telling her that my mom shelters me and that my ex Sarah did that too. But the thing is that both my mom and Sarah are wrong: I don't need that sheltering. In fact, I went to school far from home (my mom was in California and I was in Michigan) in order not to be sheltered by her. Also, I effectively broke up with Sarah by stop replying to her emails and phone calls which caused her to break up with me herself three months later. Why? because she sheltered me too much. Then, ironically, Anne rejected me because she couldn't give me what she THOUGHT I need, even though what she assumed I needed was precisely what I ran away from!



I am NOT asian! I am originally from Russia. I lived in Russia when up until I was 14, and then I moved to USA and lived in USA ever since. I only came to India to do post doc. I came here three months ago and my post doc lasts 2 years, with likely extension for the third year.

Since I only date ppl of European descent, and I am yet to see any around here, my only way to date within the comming 2-3 years I do a postdoc is to find someone who would be willing to date me long distance. I actually made a post on wrongplanet to see if there are such ppl, no one positively responded.



Why do you go to India? For how long?



Like I said, that is because I am only in India for a post doc.

A chance at friendship is a chance at a relationship. Basic interaction begins with familarity: "Hi, my name is ... what's yours?". IF things are comfortable, proceed to a relationship. It is much easier and stable to go from 0 -> friends -> relationship than 0 -> relationship.




Vernacular. You need to think very highly of yourself. This lets you overcome most self-confidence obstacles and hurdles which allow you to pursue relationships.



Please remember you can also reject the other person. Logically, if you can't reject someone, you will be the person rejected.



The question of whether to be too honest and/or too vulnerable or to play things close to the vest? Guys are better with being more emotionally reserved and playing things close. It's more accepted and easier dealt with by women. Personally, I do not expose emotional vulnerability until after one year (no hard rule, just works out that way). But this is me, and please accept it's not a rule but a guideline.



Same here. You're very limited in your geography and that dictates the racial availability of women. I had much better luck on the East coast (e.g. NH/NY/MA/NJ/MD) than CA. NV is worlds better though than CA.



For a week or so (including Singapore) I need to do a few dog-and-pony shows on: java based software development stack, architecture for global development and to gather information based on their development practices.

We have a few hundred software dev's and managers in India with who I need to understand.



Whats your original country?

Sorry for rambling, was a key contributor to a conference call this morning while composing the email

Now she won't even talk to me anymore. She reads my emails and throws them in the trash bin and sends me 1 single message saying "no it's not because I don't want to talk to you it's because i've been busy". Yeah, sure you have, yet you continue to chat away/email all night with your other online boyfriends.

She's been bugging me to still be friends yet she acts like I don't even exist anymore.

Some people are just so cold.