you guys need to go to parties/bars/clubs

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The real Catch-22 is that until you think you are worth the effort to change, you won't attract anyone. And the point of changing is to make yourself healthier, and to show the world you value yourself enough to take care of yourself.

QFT and run through an amplifier.


M.

What does QFT mean?

PaganMom

Quoted For Truth.


M.

But what is the point of bettering myself if nobody will appreciate the result?

Let's see, I hate dancing, don't like the music, don't particularly like drunk people, and mostly can't stand the partying type. So frankly life's too short to go to bars and clubs. I am not 'fun' and never will be in any case, and as for a gf I've completely given up on that.

I probably should have given up on a girlfriend a long time ago... heh...

but deep down, there's some subconscious part of me that forces me to move on, and as much as I'd like to consign myself to a life of solitude and forget the pain, I just can't...

But that is the point - you should be appreciating the result. And if you value yourself enough to do so, then you become more appealing to others... perhaps because one does not appear dependent on another person for their success or drive in that event.


M.

What you need to do Toad is to find your match. You sound like a guy who's otherwise happy with his life...a college graduate with a good job...you just need to find a woman who is as non-social as you are. If you aren't picky about looks, I don't see what the problem is.

Melody Beattie wrote a great book called "Codependent No More" - you should read it. Looking to someone else to provide your self-esteem, or to give your life meaning is classic codependence - and that's something you need to fix.

I understand that perfectionism and stubbornness can be a part of the AS landscape, but after reading many of your posts, my impression is that those qualities have become your master. You seem to have very specific ideas about where and how you'll meet this woman, and you reject any suggestion that involves deviating from those ideas. You also have a self-image that is painfully negative, but again, you reject any suggestion you receive about how to make changes in your life that will build your self-esteem.

You've convinced yourself that the key to your happiness is wrapped up in some unknown woman, and therefore completely beyond your control. And that's really unfortunate, because the truth is that the key to your happiness is absolutely you - and only you. But as long as you believe it's all beyond your control, you don't have to take responsibility for being happy, for having self-worth, for taking care of yourself, for pursuing change, for becoming the kind of man who will ultimately attract a quality woman (who may very well nicely enhance your happiness and enjoyment of life). Do you see how completely self-defeating that strategy is? I hope so. I hope you start working immediately on taking control of your life, because the reality is that you're the only one who can do that. Or unfortunately, you can choose to cling to the ideas that are not working for you (keep serving that cruel master) - and remain stuck - for the rest of your life. I'd hate to see that happen to you.

It has two uses. The first use (the nice one) is to agree with a statement, the second is to quote a statement that someone else made so that it is placed in public view - so that they can't retroactively remove it by editing their own post. Though of course that also allows potential for deception on the quoter's part.


I think the idea that willingness and/or desire to go to pubs/bars/clubs/whatever is "a good thing" that makes someone "a better person" and hence more attractive is an extremely questionable one. It isn't attractive to me, for whatever that's worth.

Replace "go to parties" with "take part in activities which bring you into contact with other people" and it's reasonable advice in general terms, but still not necessarily appropriate advice to give to someone who finds contact with others intrinsically difficult, especially those who may find it harder than the OP does.

I'm always annoyed by my inability to listen and be listened to in clubs (due to the loud music), and not drinking I suppose is a handicap. I like house parties but they're a bit harder to come by than club events.

i would go to a bar nowadays only if i knew no one else would be there but the servant behind the bar.
my days of going to the tavern to get my meals are over. i hate the deoxygenated envronment that crowds of breathers around me render inevitable.
i dislike to hear their opinions, and i dislike to hear even their voices.

i am happy firing along on my own.

I'll be the amplifier.


Toad, read that post over and over again and act on it.

Okay, so say I did want to try and make myself better. What would be involved? I know exercise would help with the weight, but it's hard to keep doing it if I don't feel like I'm worth it. I want to feel like I"m worth it, but everytime I try to feel that way, someone inevitably comes along and slams me back down...

A few tips, from my own experience:

Ignore the doubters - they aren't you, and they aren't working in your best interest. I wouldn't have lost nearly 100 pounds if I listened to the people who told me I couldn't, or kept changing my approach to suit what they thought was best. You are your own best advocate when dealing with yourself, and the only one you are accountable to. It isn't easy to learn how not to care, but it is a matter of choosing the path that serves you and your interests instead of one of appeasement. Make people notice you for who you are, not what you can do for them.

Define your goals clearly. "Making myself better" isn't enough - whether it is to lose 30 pounds, learn to play the cello, or taking dance lessons... even these need more clarity. I want to lose 30 pounds in six months; I want to learn to play Simple Gifts on the cello; I want to learn to dance the tango by summer. Keep refining. Goals can change as you are working towards them, provided you refuse to make them into excuses and procrastinate.

Make a list of the positives. This can be as simple as "I'm a great dog walker" or much more complex, but it gives you both a reminder and a starting ground. Make them obvious - post your goals and positives in several places where you will see them each day. Practice makes permanent, only perfect practice makes perfect; use these reminders to help refocus your frame of mind throughout the day. Find slogans that resonate with you, and add them to the bunch.

You -are- worth it, TOS, and each step you make towards becoming the person you want to be can show another person that great worth, instead of seeing only great potential.


M.