To the men: What us women face.

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Well I'm gonna throw my 2 cents into the mix here. Here is my opinion based on everything I read here.

First of all this goes to the majority of AS guys,

Grow up, grow yourself a back bone and get yourself out there stop using the 'I'm an Aspie, I can't do it' type attitude, seriously it's pathetic. If you like someone try do something about it, if she says no then it's her loss, not yours. But nothing ventured, nothing gained as the saying goes, perhaps if you spent as much time in the real world as you do on here and other forums, then maybe you would have a better success rate.

Now this for the majority of AS women.

Stop living in hope, that someone magic is going to come along, tick every single box and hand everything to you on a plate. Wake up, it is not going to happen. If a nice guy comes along and shows interest don't be petulant and not give him a chance just because he doesn't tick one or two boxes on your massive criteria list. Also if you like someone, then approach him or try do something about it, don't resort to the 'it's not traditional for women to approach men' excuse, it's a cop-out and a pretty lame one to say the least. We're in the 21st century, so get with the times. Again if he says no, then it's his loss, and not yours. But if you roll the dice, then you might just get the result you want.

Rant over.

I love rant threads!

Whoever the hell you are sir get out of my head! Everything you've said here is true especially the part about aspergers men. Getting out and taking risks was how I met a real girl, had a sexual relationship with her and ended up breaking it off because we weren't compatible outside of bed. If I hadn't taken a shot I'd still be trapped without any idea of how real relationships work. Both men and women take risks, get a little drunk and enjoy yourself. You'll find dating comes quite a bit easier.

I'm much more likely to contact a woman if there's common interest, as opposed to going to a bar, etc.

To smile is one thing. If I was a woman looking to get a guy's interest in a bookstore, I'd find some guy who seemed interesting to me and go up to him OR "accidentally" bump into him and ask (while "looking surprised"), "I've been looking around in the bookstore for such and such. I'm wondering if you could HELP ME _________________?" Could be asking for an opinion on a book, etc. I don't think just merely smiling alone at someone will do the trick. Men want to know they can help a woman. So the next time you go into a bookstore, if anything, act like you need a man's opinion about a subject or the kind of opinion needed and such. Once he helps you, go from there.

Think so? Perhaps. Not always true, at least in my book. I'd rather consider someone who has things in common with me over someone who was also AS or AS-AD/HD (as I am).

i can't speak for anyone else, but if a guy isn't interested in my friendship, i am not interested in dating him. so someone would have to be willing to settle for the "friend zone" or be banished to player island anyway. i can't read a guy's intention, so if i'm perceiving that he shows overt sexual interest, i am going to mistake it for a very shallow interest whether it is or not.

and if he gets stuck in the "friend zone" it's not because he didn't "play" the situation right, but because there's no further interest or connection.

furthermore, anything perceived as a game, i.e. behaving a certain way so as not to get stuck in the zone, alienates me further.

the only reasonable way to handle any of this is to be yourself, quirks and all, and see who sticks. there are no magic tricks.

Just one question about tick boxes: if someone ticks every single one, are you guaranteed to love them? It seems to me there has be something other than fulfilling every requirement. There's a book I read (Can't remember which one) by Susan Jeffers, and she recalls the first time she met her husband: he was bald, wasn't a professor at a top university, and was a ceramic artist. That was three of her tick boxes left empty, yet she ended up marrying him and living happily ever after. Some of my friends tick most of my boxes and yet I don't fancy them. Admittedly this is a narrow sample, so am I the only one or is this really how love works?

I'd rather go by the "gut feeling" approach rather than the "tick box" approach. If I meet someone and there's something about them that just doesn't "fit" I'm not likely to try to go much further.

I don't think it's a bad thing to have standards. You want to be with someone you want to spend your life with, not just be with someone. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't click with.

Of course, that doesn't mean that we're 100% accurate in telling at first glance who we'd click with. So there's definitely reason to give people a chance. But it shouldn't take too terribly long to tell whether this is someone you'd like to be with. You don't have to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt or just give up and say, "Well, there's no one else so I guess you'll do."

Personally, I stay far away from other people. What I want from women, I can find in internet porn.

If there were more women like you in the world, I'd be more inclined to "be myself"... most women will say "be yourself" but really mean "be this way, specifically"...

Well of course there are no guaruntees and there are exceptions (you and the example you have given are probably two of them) There are also arguments that if you really love someone then you will love them just as much for their faults as well as for their qualities. Although the fact you have just said some of your friends tick 'most' (most being the key word here, not all) to a certain degree does support what I am saying. I believe some people (women slightly more then men) are often too quick to pull the plug. There is nothing wrong with having standards of course but not to the point where they are so high that only a very small minority can meet them. Have a dig through the pages here and look at the dealbreakers thread if you can find it, some of stuff, members had posted in there was beyond petty, and then they ask themselves why they find themselves alone.

I also from a personal perspective wouldn't go for someone who ticks all the boxes anyway. Because it can often come back to bite you when least expected.

Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 18 May 2010, 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then you are a very rare person indeed. With most women if you totally show who you are at first they would never give you a chance.

Actually, men with Asperger's seem to have some characteristics that make them unattractive to women.
Two of the criteria for Asperger's syndrome, need for routine and bad social skills are unattractive.
The last one, intense interests, can go either way.
The best traits to have are of course, the dark triad, but that leads to lots of short relationships.
I also read that acting like one just wants to be friends also works.

i don't understand this. then what happens when you do reveal who you really are?

if something's based on being on "best behavior" or trying to live up to someone else's expectations, how can you maintain that? and even if you could, you'd end up resentful.

I guess the question about whether or when to be yourself is really "when you do want the rejection?", because the path to finding the right person does involve some significant amount of rejection (either of you or by you) as you go through candidates.

I used to really agonize over this -- "Aw jeez, I blew it already..." and then realized that pretty much anyone I ever dated and hit it off with was pretty forgiving about what was the real "out in public" me. Anybody that wasn't, or who was turned off immediately, clearly wasn't going to work out in the long run, or even the short one. So the question is, would you rather be phony and deceptive for a few weeks, get tired, and eventually let the real you show through, or just be reasonably honest about yourself upfront and save everyone a lot of time? (this goes to women as well, who are sometimes a little too eager to please when they hit the desperate years).

Now, that isn't to say you should show all of your cards, let it all hang out, talk about your favorite forms of adult entertainment, or anything else that you wouldn't say in front of your parents or a classroom full of kids (a good testing point for "should I say X?"), but do understand that we're all definitely not compatible for eachother, and that it is going to be the rare person that you click with. The more unique you are, the more searching you will have to do.

I see this as a good thing -- If I'm a steak, I don't want to settle for hamburger, and the hamburger girl should also find her hamburger guy. Looks fade, intellect and brains extend through your lifetime. Try to find someone who is the right mix of both.