Polyamory

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In the glory days of my teenage years I was having it off with three girls at the same time.

Mind you, none of them knew the others existed.

I've known several polys - different sexual orientations - and all of them were commited relationships only with three people instead of two. It's always intrigued me and, hinestly, made me a bit jealous. I've been lucky enough to meet successful, loving partners. I'm sure it goes bad more often than what I've witnessed.

I'm in a monogamous relationship and I find it extremely draining. I have a very emotionally needy partner. I think I would enjoy the break a third partner could provide. No two people can be 100% compatible - I can see where a thoughtfully chosen, loving third partner could take a relationship to a new level.

Replying to the OP:
I used to be in a poly relationship. I wasn't doing anything but he wanted to be Open so badly that I figured it'd keep him honest. It didn't. He still violated all the rules we created together and cheated on top of that. Even though I never did anything with anyone else, it was clear that he was just going to do whatever he wanted to do with a complete lack of respect for me.

Based on my experience, I don't really recommend Open relationships. Some people say it works for them and I'm happy for them if it does... but I really prefer monogamy for my love life and, thankfully, so does my husband.

WHOOAAA my bad... I didn't notice the "unprotected" part! Major blunder!

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Daryl_Blonder wrote:

kohne wrote:

Don't get me wrong, unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship is always a bonehead move.

Why? What do you base this assessment on?

Are you kidding me?? Sure, not EVERYONE who has unprotected sex has STDs, but you have no idea which ones have something and which ones don't. And even if you know the person relatively well and they SAY they don't have anything, it's like Dr. House said: "Everybody lies." Even in a committed relationship, I would use protection!!

As for the original issue ... it's an interesting idea, but I have not had enough romantic/sexual experience to really have a sound opinion - I expect that my opinions on this kind of stuff will evolve quite a bit once I get more "experience"...

I know I could love several women at a time for different reasons.

I suspect women could love several men at the same time too.

But our society doesn't allow for that, so what do we do?

When I was young I had several entirely different groups of friends at the same time.

Part of me was a big bad biker with a beautiful chopper and wore fancy leathers and boots. I would roar down the highway at 120 mph and enjoy every minute.

But at the same time I would hang out with the local intellectuals, the chess club, and a church group or two.

My biker friends would ask me "Why do you hang out with those intellectual poofters?"

My intellectual friends would ask "Why do you hang out with those rough drunken bikers?"

I had no answer except that my personality was bigger than any narrow group. I wanted it all!

I am an Aspie and so is my 18 year old daughter. I have been poly for most of my life. Currently I live with two husbands, Brian, who I've been with for 10 years and am legally married to so my daughter and I can have health insurance. The other husband, CA, I've been with for nearly 3 years. We all live under one roof, we just bought a house and we're happy and stable. Everyone knows we're poly and even our most conservative friends are OK with it, they see the benefits. The guys are not Aspie, but they are not NT either. We are a family of weirdos / geeks and are satisfied to be so.

Jealousy isn't much of an issue for us. Jealousy comes from insecurity, so if one of us feels insecure, it means we needs to talk about it and find out what is going on. In truth, financial and parenting issues are far more challenging.

I don't have more demands placed on me, it's less actually, because there are 3 to do the work of running the household instead of 2. I think such a relationship works well for some Aspies, because you get more space and you live very honestly. If I were in a traditional relationship, I would have to go to all the events they would want to go to, like movies or concerts. This way, they are free to take someone else or even go together (just to clarify, no they are not sexually involved with each other), while I can stay home and have time to myself. When I was in the hospital last Spring, they took turns being with me, while the other stayed with my daughter. When I wind up in arguments with one, the other has helped by taking the role of a translator and explaining to me what the other meant - then we are able to resolve disagreements very quickly. We are very open and honest about everything - no secrets, no hidden agendas, no lying.

I don't think that Poly is for everyone. It is hard to get to this place of harmony and co-existing. I had so many bad relationships earlier in life. There are definitely rules and ethics involved to being poly but a lot of times you have to figure them out for yourself. We're taught from the cradle how to be mono, but we're not taught how to be poly. It takes time and experience to learn how to be good at poly dating, just like with mono dating, you have to make a fair amount of mistakes before you know how to do it successfully.

What effect does poly have on my child? She is confident and thriving. She is dating and in a healthy relationship. I think that it is a pretty impressive achievement for a Autistic teen - far better than I could have done at her age. She sometimes gets frustrated because when she gets in trouble, she gets lectured by all 3 of us, but she knows that she is loved, accepted and supported. She is happy to have 3 fathers (Brian, CA and her biological father) who care about her, she says she'd really like it if they were wealthy too and could buy her lots of stuff, but oh well... I tell her that she will have to get rich on her own.

Hi Cinder:

Your situation sounds very interesting and yet very sane. Just out of curiosity; do the men ever have relationships with other women outside of your family unit?

I wouldn't mind sharing a woman with another one or many if I was attracted to them all but not with a man. Reason being if an attractive woman has been all over my woman then she's covered in another attractive woman (not quite literally of course) but if a man has then she's covered in man which would not be acceptable.

They would have to be very attractive though or very interesting to make it worth it.

Now I think about it though it probably wouldn't last long or end that well.