Intellectual compatibility = utimate AS hurdle in dating?

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Hopefully they are much too busy enjoying life to find time to browse forums.


Yes, it is very difficult to know where to begin, if you cannot fathom what is implicitly expected. But like most aspects of social skills, if someone would give a few hints, then we can probably find at least some intellectual workarounds which would help.


I think this is an excellent observation. I have come to the conclusion that whilst AS does give us a unique outsider's view on conformity, it also, especially due to both the negativity and sheer misunderstanding that social differences cause, gives us a distorted view which presumes a hard 'us and them' viewpoint. Our pool might never be as large as an 'average' person, but it is probably larger than we each believe, since we are not the only atypical thinkers in society. The more we come to understand that our experiences can taint our viewpoint, the more potential we have to avoid negativity and look for acceptance. But in order to obtain acceptance, we must also learn to give it, and learning to balance reserve and caution with more openness is not an easy task.

We may be good at being superficially socially adaptive.
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its all you need sistah

Do you mean 20-30 points less? It does seem hard to find a man who would even consider dating a more intelligent woman. I don't mean that in a negative sense either, since I was once very attracted to an incredibly kind man who totally refused to consider me as a partner, because 'you're too smart, you'll get bored and leave me'. In truth, finding intellectual stimulation in solitary pursuits is not hard for an aspie, whereas finding acceptance and tolerance from another person is, but I could not change his mind. Perhaps only being able to appeal to him with logic was part of the problem.


There are so many interesting points in this thread.
I must admit, I have been wondering whether there are actually some people similar to myself, except they have more emotional understanding, who might be easier to get along with. Mainly because I wonder how tolerant I would be if I had to put up with myself, and it worries me a little that I would find it very difficult.

If a man is unable to get a partner then he's most probably less than a man.
And when a woman is unable to get a partner then she's most probably more than a woman.

Of course, my words are figurative.

I wish that were true bruva. My social skills trainer strongly disagreed.

I can't speak for other men, but genuine intelligence in a woman - perceptiveness, awareness, and curiosity - are very attractive and admirable from my perspective, and neither threatening nor something I would objectify. It's just that people tend to conflate the machinery of intelligence for its animating motivations.



Agreed. We can say that intellectual compatibility is a multi-dimensional quality.



Well said. You've stated my thoughts exactly.

What I'm still lost on are the mechanisms of tolerance. For example when looking for another partner - we all have our own flaws, our own short-comings, our own permanent roadblocks that we may be able to hide unless certain situations come up, which in the course of a relationship almost by statistical necessity will - we can't hide it forever. It leaves me wondering who's more readily able to deal with my crap in that regard? I feel lucky that I don't have any hard-line AS issues such as inflexibility of routine, OCD or attachment to how objects are placed, etc. but - strained executive functioning still leaves a lot of rather nasty land mines buried out there with an inevitability that they'll be tripped over at some point. To that extent I have to hope both that a) I don't end up in too dire of consequences over that and b) that I'm with someone who isn't wired or cultured to take society's usual prescription on what to do in that circumstance. If I'm in a situation where, say, I ultimately fail, I have to do some rather scary things to myself internally just to graze past the finish line to begin with when I'm in a near-fail situation in life. Being that my own scorn is something I'm terrified of I can't begin to imagine what getting in stereo would be like or, for that matter, how that scenario would play out.

Great topic, sunshower. I like that summary. It's definitely better than thinking yourself so unappealing that no-one of interest would be interested, which is the conclusion I had for many years, before identifying AS. Whilst I can't turn the clock back and undo the disasters, at least I can understand them, and forgive myself for being inept.

Perhaps I am fortunate in that I was diagnosed young. Although that didn't stop me from beating myself over the head with my own shortcomings throughout my teenage years...

I think regarding intelligence compatibility I have also been down that track before; where I believed I needed to be with someone of equal or greater intelligence. Fortunately, I think I am over that now (I hope!!) I agree with techstepgenr8ation in that people of equivalent intelligence often tend to be really strongly set in their views and beliefs, and over time it could influence your relationship. I have found this just in friendships alone, so I'm guessing the whole effect would be more pervasive in a relationship.

That being said; however, I hear what you are saying ladyrain in that (regarding the guy you wanted to date) the emotional support, openmindedness, and understanding was more important - I agree all these things are essential - however regarding myself I am forced to agree with what the guy was saying. I think I would get bored by someone of significantly lower intelligence in a relationship (slightly lower intelligence would be fine), as I wouldn't be able to create enough of a shared reality with them, as many if not most of my thoughts, feelings, and ideas would be beyond their comprehension.

I do not say this to boast, it's just unfortunately the case that my thoughts are generally very complex and confusing. I have enough difficulty just trying to understand myself, let alone find somebody else who could understand me. I think I was able to connect to my ex-boyfriend (NT) partly because of his high intelligence; he was able to understand parts of me and ideas of mine that other people couldn't.

Well have you forgot the old saying not all conservatives are stupid though their sure are a lot of stupid poeple who are conservative.

In regards to travel ? why would crew members of the good ship captain America want to sail the high seas, why would they want to visit piss ant impoverished countries like France. America is the greatest most awesome country in the whole universe.

And if you think I'm overeaching check out GTA (Grand Theft Auto) and all the jabs at America, don't forget GTA is based on reality. You couldn't dream that stuff up.

similar problem.

i'm surprised to see someone post something like this actually as it's a problem i've had my whole life and never known anyone else to understand at all.

i attempt a relationship about once every five years. i don't know how connected i ever feel to anyone else. i trouble with these distinctions and don't really understand how someone is supposed to recognize such a thing, not to mention i no longer consider any feelings i have as valid if i discover the other person is not on board in quite the same way. i will walk away from something immediately if i discover i have interpreted it wrong (which has happened often). whatever degree i am able to connect with anyone else, it is purely intellectual. brain to brain. it can be quite intense and i am capable of being very close to a guy physically, but the similarity of thought has to be there. i just can't get any sort of read on anyone else. it's as if they are not really there.

i don't know how to elaborate, but if i don't feel the person understands me intuitively i feel used (and also it's just too exhausting to bother with), and so i've stopped trying to force it. the desire is there, it just can almost not be satisfied by anything. it's torture. company is not the desire. connection is the desire and i feel the lack of it very acutely.

i envy people who only want someone who likes them or is pleasant to be around. and i occasionally miss being so young that sexual curiosity was enough of a driving force to get together with someone.

they must be. if it was this difficult for everyone the human race would die out in one generation.



probably at root nothing more than that, and i've just overthought it to death. but what i don't understand - how do i have the desire for it but not the capability??? so cruel .. if i believed in a god i'd say it was a cruel god.

anyway this is the most interesting discussion i've seen yet in L & D. i could quote almost everyone who posted just to pick something out of their post and say "yes - exactly" ..

I'm so glad you posted katzefrau, because what you're saying (especially the parts I quoted) almost mirrors my mind exactly. I have felt like there's something seriously wrong with me in this department for a long time, especially as nobody ever seems to mention dealing with the same problems, even other people with AS in L&D as you said - up until now in response to the topic.

I think a lot of the issues posted up on L&D seem to be mostly issues male aspies deal with, issues to do with approach and initiation, and because most (I don't say all here, I am generalizing) female aspies don't seem to have these issues to the same extent, everybody assumes that we don't have problems in this area. I'm starting to wonder whether our problems stem mainly from connection as opposed to approach... there is a dearth of topics discussing this, and I think this is probably partly because we're a minority anyway. Again, I've noticed some male aspies deal with this also - so again I am talking in majorities and not absolutes.

When you speak of having the desire, but not being able to connect, you describe it as torture and I couldn't agree more. The isolation and loneliness of it is intense, and so is the desperation when you find one of those tiny tiny minority people you can connect with. I have found that I have seriously considered trying to get into a relationship with a guy who is completely wrong for me in every way - personality and interest wise - simply because I can "connect" to him when I can't connect to anyone else. I've had to, and continue to have to fight myself on this front because I know that if I have any self-respect I shouldn't try and date him or get him to date me, plus he's not even interested in exclusivity at all.

Don't get me wrong, not all the tiny pool of people I have managed to "connect" to in my lifetime are like that - they are completely varied both in personality, values, and appearance.

But the thing is I feel like I'm a bad person, because I meet all these wonderful nice guys (genuinely nice guys, not the "nice guys" sometimes discussed here..) who seem interested in me, and try to date me or connect with me, but there is zero "read" as you say katzefrau. It's, as you said, like they're not really there...

There was a boy, once, when I was eighteen, but by the time I met him again a couple years ago I'd changed so much we were no longer on the same plane and could barely make it through the second meeting. It was disappointing mostly because I did believe, up till then, he was my soulmate and I'd never find anyone like him again. As it turns out, I was right. I was a lot easier to impress and a lot more willing to bother when I was younger.

I don't know if I necessarily have the desire. I think I like the idea of being with someone, but at the same time I'm too aware of my reality that I never really believe it could happen... hence the lack of desire.



I read one study where men and women of roughly the same background had to take a test, and although they both scored about the same on average, the men tended to believe they did better than actually did while the women tended to believe they did worse than they actually did.

That's the case of all women and men , not just aspies

A couple things I'd like to add as well:

As have I, but I'm thinking it just comes down to different people having different ways of saying it as well as different degrees of ability or amounts of desire to articulate it as such.



My hypothesis, it seems like guys initially have a problem with approach, confuse the whole problem for approach, or social skills, or masculinity issues, but once they get past those things they're in the same position. Its not that the guys are late bloomers in figuring it out so much as they have more barricades to reaching that point, that and I think a lot more societal pressure to be bull-headed in their endeavors and outlook when it comes to dating/relationships.

I'd say this makes a lot of sense.. thanks for the clarification.

Now having identified the problem, where do we go to from here? I'm wondering if those members on the forum who are successfully married, or in long term relationships, could offer any advice about overcoming these sorts of issues?

For anybody out there who did have this issue, and did overcome it, how did you succeed? Did you learn to establish a connection with a greater proportion of the population - thereby increasing your odds until you found a partner? Was it pure luck or chance that eventually caused you to find somebody who you did connect with on that level? (then perhaps requiring practice and worked upon skills to get through the dating phase). Or did you simply wait a very long time until somebody finally came along?