What to expect?

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You ask this basic question every day. What different answer do you hope you will get today?

Sorry about my attitude

The biggest problem you have, and it is something that nobody here can help you with, is that you are completely and absolutely obsessed. Until you get help with that there is little hope. You either need some CBT, or need to find something within yourself to combat this very serious problem. This, more than any other problem, is one that obsessing about will only make worse. I think everyone here wishes you luck, but we can't help you deal with this internal issue that is blocking your path to happiness.

i had a huge bust up with my family tonight so yes I agree i need help

I like that you know such men exist and don't think so black and white Just out of interest (this goes to anyone and I am kinda hijacking the thread here, sorry ._.) at what point in a relationship should one admit they're on the spectrum? I'd certainly not think at the beginning, since society has so many misconceptions about autistic people (e.g. that they're in a totally different world, that they're like Rain Man, etc.) but the other person might realize it after a while and leave you because of it, in which case you'd have been better off finding someone who you knew would tolerate you after you've told them at some point.

Also, are there any qualities that people like about 'spectrumers', e.g. intelligence, knowledge on specific interests, etc.?

Well, I'm married to one and have met a lot of others so yeah, I know for sure they exist . Actually, I've rarely met IRL men who think like the OP. In a way, that's why such posts annoy me - they stereotype both women and men.

For the rest, I know there are some very strong opinions about disclosure around here, but as far as I'm concerned this is a very personal choice that each of us should make for themselves.

I'm very aware that what works for me might not work so well for others and I wouldn't push people to talk about their diagnosis before feeling comfortable - just don't wait too long or until you're too involved, some will see it as a breach of trust.

Until you do, you aren't really "in a relationship".

I guess that sounds about right, I should judge based on the circumstances. But do you have to have what would perceived as an average amount of confidence as a guy in order to get a girl? I'm only talking about confidence here because I've rarely seen or heard of inconfident guys getting girlfriends.

what is worrying me is when people on this site say things like aspie men are doomed to a life of lonlieness and misery because they can't establish relationships.

they're just sad or bitter (which is fine, life sucks sometimes) but you can't take their word, or anyone elses, for gospel.

It's not just the obsession. Aspies are prone to obsessive and compulsive behavior. It's that Jamesy and several others aren't bothering to learn from anyone. They ask the same questions they asked before, receive more answers, then ask the same questions again. Invariably there's a sexist know-it-all man who'll swoop in to degrade all women and anyone who disagrees with him and there's no progress with anyone. It's just "lather, rinse, repeat" with generalizations and thoughtless rhetoric.

One thing that I treasure about my aspie friends, some of them are men, is the ability for us to sit down with coffee or wine (depending on the time of day) and have a great detailed discussion. We don't always agree, sometimes we just disagree on how we agree, but there's always something new to learn and any new information is always appreciated. It's a great exchange of ideas. I've sat across the table from a male friend who was turning desperate because he wanted someone to share his life with. He just wanted that companionship. I always come home to a great friend (my husband) and he wanted that for himself. He never repeated a question, ignored what I said to him, or completely disregarded what I said to continue to wallow in desperation and pity. It's true that everybody's different so a forum full of such diverse people aren't going to reflect my friends but I am a little stunned at the determination for young men to stay right where they are so they can continue to complain about it. And I don't argue on the internet so I'm really at a loss here to know what the point is.

If you're an aspie, take on dating the aspie way: like a science. Absorb as much information as possible, determine your demographic (the kind of person you're interested in) and then craft a plan to see what works, making adjustments as necessary until you achieve success. Finding your soulmate isn't easy for anyone. There's dozens upon dozens of books addressing this subject in book stores, written by and for NTs. Relax and get it done the way you do things best. Have some faith in yourself, all of you.

Last edited by wefunction on 12 Jan 2011, 6:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I agree emilon know one is entitled to anything and some things in life you just have to work for. Its like saying I want to have all the money riches in the world without making any effort.

I think the problem here is that some aspiew think that 'existing' rather than 'doing' will bring them everything they want like a girl will just full onto thier lap.

There are a million things worthwhile things in this world besides being in a relationship. Sure they're really nice to have, but not having one does not equal "misery".

I actually like my life quite a bit, I may be a little lonely but I'm certainly not miserable.

Well Grisha it is hard when most people can get relationships and you can't. Seeing your friends and sibilings getting married having children and you being left alone in the corner with nobody can just be a little bit depressing

Listen you are correct there is more to life than relationships but sometimes when you see happy couples it can make you feel a bit sad thats all.

Why do you want to get married and have kids at 21 years old?!

When you've not had to grow up fast, sometimes you want to be really grown up.
I'd prefer the opposite tbh. Less responsibility would be great for a change.