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Break-up: Aspie style!!

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MidlifeAspie
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14 Jan 2011, 12:52 pm

Meow101 wrote:
I can understand what you're saying, but why assume everyone is going to react the same way to what you have to say? Especially a fellow Aspie?


I don't. I have been very careful to say "some" and "many" where appropriate.



SurfMaggie
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14 Jan 2011, 1:03 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
feel...


Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.


This makes a lot of sense based on my experience with my aspie ex, and it breaks my heart that I couldn't make him feel secure and safe enough to need to throw up the defenses. Being so defensive from the beginning is normally the kiss of death for a fledgling relationship...



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14 Jan 2011, 1:05 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
feel...


Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.


This makes a lot of sense based on my experience with my aspie ex, and it breaks my heart that I couldn't make him feel secure and safe enough to need to throw up the defenses. Being so defensive from the beginning is normally the kiss of death for a fledgling relationship...


Indeed. Many of us Aspies die alone.



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14 Jan 2011, 1:38 pm

Thanks for posting MidlifeAspie, I appreciate your perspective and try to understand what you and others have been through. I'd just like to mention that there are a lot of issues AS women encounter that are not discussed here or mentioned in the books I've read. Some women wrote to me and shared their struggles privately, since both I and them are reluctant to post them publicly since we're often attacked and belittled for doing it.

Maybe it's the lack of TOM/empathy, but I'm getting quite convinced that it's almost impossible in this case for each gender to grasp what the other one has to deal with. Such is life.

I also understand very well where Kate and Maggie are coming from. Rejection is hard enough to handle as it is - this is so often an issue for guys when they try to approach women. Try to imagine how devastating it is to have the door slapped in your face without as much as an explanation after investing so much effort and love in a relationship over a long period of time. Such wounds often take years to heal and have a vicious effect on someone's self esteem, since they will keep asking themselves what they did wrong or what they could have done better without any help or feedback from their partner.

Good luck to both Maggie and Kate, I hope you find some peace.


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14 Jan 2011, 4:57 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
But isn't it a large part of a relationship to put yourself out there and let your defences down to get close to that special person? I had to put up my defenses when
I left my abusive ex but when there aren't such severe problems in a relationship then let the other person in - they want to get close to you, and shouldn't become the enemy even in the face of a break down. It is entirely possible that they still care very deeply for you and cherish the time you had together. I know that's how I feel...


Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.


I don't understand the off/on thing. Why would as Aspie end a relationahip so abruptly, and yet eventually return and pick up where he left off? Can his emotions be turned back on so easily? And what is he thinking during the time we're apart? Would he just one day suddeny think of me and miss me?



MidlifeAspie
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14 Jan 2011, 4:59 pm

neildiamond wrote:
MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
But isn't it a large part of a relationship to put yourself out there and let your defences down to get close to that special person? I had to put up my defenses when
I left my abusive ex but when there aren't such severe problems in a relationship then let the other person in - they want to get close to you, and shouldn't become the enemy even in the face of a break down. It is entirely possible that they still care very deeply for you and cherish the time you had together. I know that's how I feel...


Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.


I don't understand the off/on thing. Why would as Aspie end a relationahip so abruptly, and yet eventually return and pick up where he left off? Can his emotions be turned back on so easily? And what is he thinking during the time we're apart? Would he just one day suddeny think of me and miss me?


In the situation I describe above, the scenario you describe would never happen.



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14 Jan 2011, 5:15 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
SurfMaggie wrote:
But isn't it a large part of a relationship to put yourself out there and let your defences down to get close to that special person? I had to put up my defenses when
I left my abusive ex but when there aren't such severe problems in a relationship then let the other person in - they want to get close to you, and shouldn't become the enemy even in the face of a break down. It is entirely possible that they still care very deeply for you and cherish the time you had together. I know that's how I feel...


Yes. You must let down the walls and that can be very difficult for some of us. The more difficult it is to pull down the wall, the easier it is to throw it back up. The walls never go away and can be thrown back up quickly and permanently.

Many Aspies spend a lot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop and are well prepared for when it does. I will be the first to admit that this mind-set combined with a black and white view of the world and razor-thin definitions of justice and injustice can make for a quickly ended relationship with little justification as viewed by the other party. We aren't always right, but we are Aspies.


Don't you at least want to try to be right, though? I mean, your actions don't occur in a vacuum and do affect others besides yourself. Yes, I have to be reminded of that too, more often than I like, and no, I don't feel like a hypocrite for saying it. And if you do something that hurts someone the way this brutal action has hurt me, don't you regret it? How can you say 'permanently' when you might be wrong and admit you aren't always right? Doesn't that kind of bridge-burning NECESSITATE rightness???

~Kate


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14 Jan 2011, 5:20 pm

Meow101 wrote:
Don't you at least want to try to be right, though? I mean, your actions don't occur in a vacuum and do affect others besides yourself. Yes, I have to be reminded of that too, more often than I like, and no, I don't feel like a hypocrite for saying it. And if you do something that hurts someone the way this brutal action has hurt me, don't you regret it? How can you say 'permanently' when you might be wrong and admit you aren't always right? Doesn't that kind of bridge-burning NECESSITATE rightness???

~Kate


You might be projecting a bit. I didn't dump you Kate, but on behalf of Aspie males everywhere I apologize :)



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14 Jan 2011, 5:24 pm

MidlifeAspie wrote:
Meow101 wrote:
Don't you at least want to try to be right, though? I mean, your actions don't occur in a vacuum and do affect others besides yourself. Yes, I have to be reminded of that too, more often than I like, and no, I don't feel like a hypocrite for saying it. And if you do something that hurts someone the way this brutal action has hurt me, don't you regret it? How can you say 'permanently' when you might be wrong and admit you aren't always right? Doesn't that kind of bridge-burning NECESSITATE rightness???

~Kate


You might be projecting a bit. I didn't dump you Kate, but on behalf of Aspie males everywhere I apologize :)


Maybe projecting just a little :) But really, I would like to understand where this comes from. I've had this happen twice to me and it really is the worst thing anyone could do to me short of physical violence (and I think worse than mild physical violence, I am NOT joking). Being an Aspie I am even more clueless than an NT would be about it and less able to just say "screw the jerk".

~Kate


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14 Jan 2011, 8:25 pm

How could he be a sensitive soul and do that?!



quesonrias
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14 Jan 2011, 11:08 pm

I am not an Aspie guy, but I am a sensitive soul, and I can say that I have a tendency to do this as well. When I see that a relationship is not healthy, I tend to be able to make a decision to end it, walk away, and never look back. I recently did so with a friend of 15 years because I felt that their priorities were different, as well as the fact that I felt that there were some tendencies that were very unhealthy. I walked away about 6 months ago and have not spoken to them since, and have no desire or need to do so. I also did this with one of my parents about 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to or seen them by my own choice since. Again, the relationship was very unhealthy for me, and I could not be stable without moving on. I must say also that in both situations, I tried numerous times to make things work (different things for each situation) before I walked away.

Unfortunately, once the switch is turned off, it is very difficult, and sometimes impossible to turn it back on. Logic is very strong, and at times the need to be safe (in whatever way that is seen) supersedes any other emotion that a person with AS may have.


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RAADS-R: 187.0
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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 165 of 200
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You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Meow101
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14 Jan 2011, 11:16 pm

quesonrias wrote:
I am not an Aspie guy, but I am a sensitive soul, and I can say that I have a tendency to do this as well. When I see that a relationship is not healthy, I tend to be able to make a decision to end it, walk away, and never look back. I recently did so with a friend of 15 years because I felt that their priorities were different, as well as the fact that I felt that there were some tendencies that were very unhealthy. I walked away about 6 months ago and have not spoken to them since, and have no desire or need to do so. I also did this with one of my parents about 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to or seen them by my own choice since. Again, the relationship was very unhealthy for me, and I could not be stable without moving on. I must say also that in both situations, I tried numerous times to make things work (different things for each situation) before I walked away.

Unfortunately, once the switch is turned off, it is very difficult, and sometimes impossible to turn it back on. Logic is very strong, and at times the need to be safe (in whatever way that is seen) supersedes any other emotion that a person with AS may have.


All I have to say is you must be much more sure you're right than I could ever be.

Somebody would have to deliberately try to do harm, *and* be unable or unwilling to change that, to make me do something like that. Drug abuse, physical violence, etc. can also make ppl unsafe and unhealthy to be around. Other than these things, there is little that could make me see someone as irredeemable, especially someone I care for a great deal.

~Kate


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14 Jan 2011, 11:33 pm

Meow101 wrote:
quesonrias wrote:
I am not an Aspie guy, but I am a sensitive soul, and I can say that I have a tendency to do this as well. When I see that a relationship is not healthy, I tend to be able to make a decision to end it, walk away, and never look back. I recently did so with a friend of 15 years because I felt that their priorities were different, as well as the fact that I felt that there were some tendencies that were very unhealthy. I walked away about 6 months ago and have not spoken to them since, and have no desire or need to do so. I also did this with one of my parents about 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to or seen them by my own choice since. Again, the relationship was very unhealthy for me, and I could not be stable without moving on. I must say also that in both situations, I tried numerous times to make things work (different things for each situation) before I walked away.

Unfortunately, once the switch is turned off, it is very difficult, and sometimes impossible to turn it back on. Logic is very strong, and at times the need to be safe (in whatever way that is seen) supersedes any other emotion that a person with AS may have.


All I have to say is you must be much more sure you're right than I could ever be.

Somebody would have to deliberately try to do harm, *and* be unable or unwilling to change that, to make me do something like that. Drug abuse, physical violence, etc. can also make ppl unsafe and unhealthy to be around. Other than these things, there is little that could make me see someone as irredeemable, especially someone I care for a great deal.

~Kate


I am extremely loyal, to a fault at times. I will do everything I can to repair a relationship, often things that are not exactly healthy for myself. It's only when my emotional or physical well-being is such that I could be in danger that I tend to end things like this. However, I have been known to do this when I feel people do not care for me. If time and time again I have been shown by their behaviors that they do not place much importance or have little/no respect for our relationship, I will walk away.


_________________
If I tell you I'm unique, and you say, "Yeah, we all are," you've missed the whole point.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
RAADS-R: 187.0
Language: 15.0 • Social Relatedness: 81.0 • Sensory/Motor: 52.0 • Circumscribed Interests: 40.0

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 165 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 47 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


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14 Jan 2011, 11:36 pm

quesonrias wrote:
Meow101 wrote:
quesonrias wrote:
I am not an Aspie guy, but I am a sensitive soul, and I can say that I have a tendency to do this as well. When I see that a relationship is not healthy, I tend to be able to make a decision to end it, walk away, and never look back. I recently did so with a friend of 15 years because I felt that their priorities were different, as well as the fact that I felt that there were some tendencies that were very unhealthy. I walked away about 6 months ago and have not spoken to them since, and have no desire or need to do so. I also did this with one of my parents about 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to or seen them by my own choice since. Again, the relationship was very unhealthy for me, and I could not be stable without moving on. I must say also that in both situations, I tried numerous times to make things work (different things for each situation) before I walked away.

Unfortunately, once the switch is turned off, it is very difficult, and sometimes impossible to turn it back on. Logic is very strong, and at times the need to be safe (in whatever way that is seen) supersedes any other emotion that a person with AS may have.


All I have to say is you must be much more sure you're right than I could ever be.

Somebody would have to deliberately try to do harm, *and* be unable or unwilling to change that, to make me do something like that. Drug abuse, physical violence, etc. can also make ppl unsafe and unhealthy to be around. Other than these things, there is little that could make me see someone as irredeemable, especially someone I care for a great deal.

~Kate


I am extremely loyal, to a fault at times. I will do everything I can to repair a relationship, and often things that are not exactly healthy for myself. It's only when my emotional or physical being is such that I could be in danger that I tend to end things like this. However, I have been known to do this when I feel people do not care for me as well. If time and time again I have been shown by their behaviors that they do not place much importance or have little/no respect for our relationship, I will walk away.


Ah, I misunderstood....I agree with this.

~Kate


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Prilej pentru durere,
Caci mii de lacrimi nu-i ajung
Si tot mai multe cere.
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SurfMaggie
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15 Jan 2011, 9:06 pm

So do we think that this cutting-off-all-contact style break-up is an Aspie thing, a male thing, or a universal learnt defence mechanism...?

Maggie xx



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15 Jan 2011, 9:08 pm

SurfMaggie wrote:
So do we think that this cutting-off-all-contact style break-up is an Aspie thing, a male thing, or a universal learnt defence mechanism...?

Maggie xx


My 2 cents: A universally available option that is more prevalent amongst Aspie men than other population samples.