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Northeastern292
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21 Apr 2011, 8:23 am

RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no? Whole hog is hiring a chorus to sing "Marry Me" and going to an expensive restaurant, getting down on one knee and popping the question with about 500 strangers and the chorale singers gawking at you. Well? and How did you cope? 8O


Nope. Never have and never will. When I ask, it's going to be fairly spontaneous, sort of at a planned but impulsive moment that is full of energy to begin with (a graduation, New Years, etc.)



hyperlexian
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21 Apr 2011, 9:13 am

i think that putting someone on the spot with a public proposal is a terrible thing to do. it can potentially force a person into a very uncomfortable and awkward spot, and that doesn't seem to be worth the chance it would make someone happy. why does someone want a public "yes" anyways? it seems strange to want to create a public spectacle.


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wefunction
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21 Apr 2011, 9:29 am

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
Bethie wrote:
Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
The sheer hypocrisy of some of the women on this forum never ceases to amaze.

Any guy proposing to his girlfriend should not do it in public place and put her in that position to start with, it should be a private matter. But giving a fake yes to someone just because it's what onlookers 'want to hear', then telling him afterwards she didn't really mean it? I'm sorry but that is spineless and pathetic to say the least.

If the roles were reversed and a guy did that to a girl, you'd be calling him a scumbag.


Pulling the emotional version of a bait-and-switch cause you're overly-concerned with what other people think is a gender issue...how?


Because the women in question (not all women but the ones who would use that tactic) who would do that often think it's one rule for men and another rule for themselves. It's one of the reasons why both genders will never fully see eye to eye because too many people are completely blind to their own double standards.

Maybe I'm seeing this in too much of a black and white perspective but anyone who would do that to their significant other is being beyond selfish in my opinion.

What would you do if your partner proposed to you in a public place, others were onlooking and you wanted to turn him down? Would you be honest and say 'I can't' (or something similar to that) or would you bottle it and say yes just because you were worried what everyone else would think?


On the first page I flippantly said:
Quote:
Dang. It's polite in such a situation to say "Yes"... then after you get home, you give the ring back and explain it aint never gonna happen.


And received a reaction from Mercurial and Biokenetica that suggested this was the most awful thing to do to someone because humiliatingly proposing like this are traditions that men should be applauded for doing and anyone who doesn't humiliate him with an honest answer in front of all those people is a horrible liar, likely with pants on fire on a chicken wire.

When I said that someone would likely give a public "yes" just because it saves face to everyone watching and then let down their "fiance" afterward with honesty, it wasn't with a gender in mind. I think it's selfish, uncaring and insecure to set up such a public spectacle to propose such a serious, personal question and I could see anyone wanting to squirm out of the situation with a pleasing answer, however dishonest that answer actually is.

I see nothing wrong with pointing this out and really see someone's reaction to not wanting to be seen as a bad person in front of a crowd as not the main issue in the problems with public marriage proposals. The main issue in the problem with public marriage proposals is the public marriage proposal.



Daemonic-Jackal
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21 Apr 2011, 9:33 am

wefunction wrote:
When I said that someone would likely give a public "yes" just because it saves face to everyone watching and then let down their "fiance" afterward with honesty, it wasn't with a gender in mind. I think it's selfish, uncaring and insecure to set up such a public spectacle to propose such a serious, personal question and I could see anyone wanting to squirm out of the situation with a pleasing answer, however dishonest that answer actually is.


I agree with this but two wrongs don't make a right. Giving a false yes to save face infront of everyone makes you at least as bad as the person who is proposing, if not worse.


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wefunction
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21 Apr 2011, 9:38 am

I don't think it's a situation of "right" and "wrong", really. I think that's a very unfortunate and awkward situation for everyone involved. It only works if the intended wants to say "yes". Otherwise, it's disastrous. I don't think it's abnormal or unnatural to be dishonest in that situation. It's understandable and certainly forgivable. The proposal was a performance, so was the answer. However, the more people who do answer honestly and destroy their proposers in front of crowds of loved ones and strangers, forever enduring the reputation as horrible people in their social circles, will send a message for people not to propose that way.


Edit to Add: Maybe the motivation behind making such a public proposal is to insure a "yes" answer because of the social side effects and condemnation that comes from giving an honest negative answer. It seems like entrapment to me if that's actually a part of it.



Brianruns10
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21 Apr 2011, 2:08 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no? Whole hog is hiring a chorus to sing "Marry Me" and going to an expensive restaurant, getting down on one knee and popping the question with about 500 strangers and the chorale singers gawking at you. Well? and How did you cope? 8O


No, but I once really went all out to impress and try to win a girl's favor. She was a classmate from high school whom I tried to reconnect with when I was a grad student and she was working for some corporation. I was ready to graduate soon, and was going to come back to the area where she lived and it would've been perfect! One time I was back in town for a weekend, and we met up for lunch. It went well I thought she was into me! A while later, I sent her a copy of a movie which was an in-joke and would be too long to explain. Shortly after Valentine's Day came and I sent her a box of homemade cookies, and a guide for a trail she'd talk about wanting to bike.

All I got was an emailed "thank you" very terse. So I spelled out literally, in an email, that I liked her and though we would be a good pair and all, and then she said she wasn't interested in me.

Later I sent her a copy of my latest film production. I hoped it would impress her. I never heard back.

It was all terribly humiliating. I still keep trying, but in the back of my mind I know I shouldn't bother because it'll only lead to more humiliation and heartbreak. I was a fool to think anyone would like me.



domino
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03 May 2011, 12:21 pm

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
wefunction wrote:
Mercurial wrote:
wefunction wrote:
Dang. It's polite in such a situation to say "Yes"... then after you get home, you give the ring back and explain it aint never gonna happen.


It's polite to lie like that? Really? By whose rules? I would think something like "I can't give you an answer right now--can we talk in private?" would be a more acceptable way of turning a man down than lying to him publicly like that. Or do I place too much value on honesty?


It'd be too much pressure for me to let so many people down. Most of them won't care about whether or not the guy gets the girl after the moment they're involved. They just want to see a "Yes". So, yeah, give people what they want and then have a discussion with the guy later, adding in an explanation on why such a proposal is really inappropriate.

Or, you know, say "No way!" and have choirs of people, onlookers and everyone else around absolutely hate you for being a b****... because that's how that turns out.


The sheer hypocrisy of some of the women on this forum never ceases to amaze.

Any guy proposing to his girlfriend should not do it in public place and put her in that position to start with, it should be a private matter. But giving a fake yes to someone just because it's what onlookers 'want to hear', then telling him afterwards she didn't really mean it? I'm sorry but that is spineless and pathetic to say the least.

If the roles were reversed and a guy did that to a girl, you'd be calling him a scumbag.


well played i actually agree with you haha


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03 May 2011, 3:50 pm

TheWeirdPig wrote:
A marriage proposal should be a private moment.


hyperlexian wrote:
i think that putting someone on the spot with a public proposal is a terrible thing to do. it can potentially force a person into a very uncomfortable and awkward spot, and that doesn't seem to be worth the chance it would make someone happy. why does someone want a public "yes" anyways? it seems strange to want to create a public spectacle.


Agreed. If I would want to marry someone, I'd ask them in private. Marriage is a very private thing anyway. If I love a girl that much, I only need to prove my love to her, not the people I'm proposing in front of.

And marriage is a legally binding contract if you don't count the spiritual part of it. You don't need a legally binding contract for love. I still don't understand the point of a legally binding contract to "seal the deal" with love. If you love each other, it's indifferent if you are legally bound or not. Wanting to be legally bound to a partner is a great way to prove love, but you shouldn't have to prove it.

I like the idea of being married according to your faith, such as getting married in church before God, but the legal partnership part just doesn't sit well with me. Faith is very personal, so is love, why does love have to be proven according to the law? I never really understood that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just never really understood that.


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03 May 2011, 6:05 pm

emuman100 wrote:
And marriage is a legally binding contract if you don't count the spiritual part of it. You don't need a legally binding contract for love. I still don't understand the point of a legally binding contract to "seal the deal" with love. If you love each other, it's indifferent if you are legally bound or not. Wanting to be legally bound to a partner is a great way to prove love, but you shouldn't have to prove it.

Since so many people are commitment-averse and deathly afraid of being "tied down" ( :roll: ) I don't blame people for wanting something tangible as proof of intent.
Plus, there's a plethora of tax breaks and legal rights that are not granted to "boyfriend and girlfriend".
emuman100 wrote:
I like the idea of being married according to your faith, such as getting married in church before God, but the legal partnership part just doesn't sit well with me. Faith is very personal, so is love, why does love have to be proven according to the law? I never really understood that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just never really understood that.

There's a societal incentive to encourage and incentivize marriage because it is without question the number one healthy environment in which healthy children are produced. There is an extremely strong correlation between children born out of wedlock being far more likely to abuse or be abused, use drugs or sell them, commit various violent crimes, drop out of school, and more.


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03 May 2011, 6:17 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them


What a frightening thought.


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03 May 2011, 6:19 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no?

Yes.

We slept together often, but she would not marry me because I'm not Catholic, and she was.



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03 May 2011, 10:24 pm

Bethie wrote:
Since so many people are commitment-averse and deathly afraid of being "tied down" ( :roll: ) I don't blame people for wanting something tangible as proof of intent.
Plus, there's a plethora of tax breaks and legal rights that are not granted to "boyfriend and girlfriend".


You're right, I never thought of that.

Bethie wrote:
There's a societal incentive to encourage and incentivize marriage because it is without question the number one healthy environment in which healthy children are produced. There is an extremely strong correlation between children born out of wedlock being far more likely to abuse or be abused, use drugs or sell them, commit various violent crimes, drop out of school, and more.


I completely agree! :)


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domino
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05 May 2011, 11:54 am

Fnord wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no?

Yes.

We slept together often, but she would not marry me because I'm not Catholic, and she was.


religion shouldnt be a factor if you agree on a religion that makes the religion that much better


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05 May 2011, 7:27 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no? Whole hog is hiring a chorus to sing "Marry Me" and going to an expensive restaurant, getting down on one knee and popping the question with about 500 strangers and the chorale singers gawking at you. Well? and How did you cope? 8O


Generally speaking, as romantic as it seems, it's a bad idea to ask a woman to marry you in front of 500 people unless you have discussed this matter in depth with her best friend or close family member to determine whether or not she would actually say yes.



wefunction
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06 May 2011, 4:59 am

Chronos wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no? Whole hog is hiring a chorus to sing "Marry Me" and going to an expensive restaurant, getting down on one knee and popping the question with about 500 strangers and the chorale singers gawking at you. Well? and How did you cope? 8O


Generally speaking, as romantic as it seems, it's a bad idea to ask a woman to marry you in front of 500 people unless you have discussed this matter in depth with her best friend or close family member to determine whether or not she would actually say yes.


or discussed it with her to determine if your relationship is really even ready to take that step.



wefunction
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06 May 2011, 5:00 am

domino wrote:
Fnord wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
Have any guys on this site ever go whole hog to ask a girl to marry them only to have the girl say no?

Yes.

We slept together often, but she would not marry me because I'm not Catholic, and she was.


religion shouldnt be a factor if you agree on a religion that makes the religion that much better


Religion shouldn't be a factor unless an individual decides that religion is a factor.