"I Can't Believe You're Still Single!!"

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TeaEarlGreyHot
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04 Nov 2011, 10:39 pm

MrEGuy wrote:

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

I think this is one of the great disservices that Anglo-American culture does to young people. The whole "you're a freak if you're not constantly dating someone, anyone" thing.

It's funny, because I remember a South American girl from college who was drop-dead gorgeous and everyone gave her sh** for being single. She tried to explain to them that dating in lieu of boredom is a thing in the English-speaking world and people elsewhere don;t do it anywhere near as pathologically as we do in our society.

Serial daters. They're everywhere. Not always that easy to spot, either.

I've never been able to understand why so many people must be in a relationship. I get the reasoning... they feel their partner defines them in some way. I just don't understand why anyone would want to draw their self-worth from another when they can stand alone as a unique individual.

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Shebakoby
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05 Nov 2011, 2:39 am

MrEGuy wrote:

LexF wrote:

Do people really think that having a few books published somehow magically solves all your relationship problems? Ah, if only it could be that simple....

I'll tip-toe around this one a bit, because I think it's fair to point out that the more functional among us (I'm one of them) should at least count our blessings before we whine too hard.

There is a clear NT belief system that basically states that once you're successful, dating and marriage should come together easily. The notion is that once you've buried the great adult "are you a loser?" test, the rest should simply follow.

The joke for me on the "find a nice girl" thing is that I have found plenty of nice girls. But, them being nice girls doesn't magically make a relationship spring forth, fully formed and functional. I happen to be a bit more able to date than most folks around here and I still end up with huge problems when it comes time to turn the corner in a relationship and get serious.

NTs can be downright obnoxious in their willingness to oversimplify things.

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

Shebakoby wrote:

I am the nice woman that nobody went to find! :lol:

Well, I've found you. Problem solved according to all the advice I've been given.

Shut it down folks! Our work here is done . . .

hehehe too bad you're not local. (Also god only knows what your age is). But yeah, South America may have something, there. Pathological dating indeed!

ToadOfSteel
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05 Nov 2011, 2:43 am

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

The point isn't to secure a girlfriend. The point is to make the b***h that says such a line shut up.

Moog
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05 Nov 2011, 6:06 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

The point isn't to secure a girlfriend. The point is to make the b***h that says such a line shut up.

Geepers, someone takes a friendly interest in your relationship status, and you think of her like that?

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LexF
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05 Nov 2011, 7:09 am

MrEGuy wrote:

LexF wrote:

Do people really think that having a few books published somehow magically solves all your relationship problems? Ah, if only it could be that simple....

I'll tip-toe around this one a bit, because I think it's fair to point out that the more functional among us (I'm one of them) should at least count our blessings before we whine too hard.

Not-so-veiled slam duly noted.

And, sure, it's perfectly consistent for someone claiming to hold a "count your blessings," positivistic attitude to categorize a simple question and/or opinion as "whining."

But one man's insult is another man's attempt to belittle....

I've been a forum mod on Mingle2 for almost 5 years now, and I've seen tons of this stuff. Somehow I thought this site would be different....live and learn....

ToadOfSteel
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05 Nov 2011, 7:32 am

Moog wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

The point isn't to secure a girlfriend. The point is to make the b***h that says such a line shut up.

Geepers, someone takes a friendly interest in your relationship status, and you think of her like that?

Well if they're going to torture me with my own loser status, i don't think it's a "friendly interest".

Moog
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05 Nov 2011, 8:04 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Moog wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Moog wrote:

You don't go out with people just because you/they have a boy/girlfriend vacancy. That's how awful marriages start

The point isn't to secure a girlfriend. The point is to make the b***h that says such a line shut up.

Geepers, someone takes a friendly interest in your relationship status, and you think of her like that?

Well if they're going to torture me with my own loser status, i don't think it's a "friendly interest".

That you interpret it as torturing you for being a loser, does not necessarily make it her motive. Unless there's some other obvious signs of this you neglected to impart, I can only suspect hyper hypersensitivity on your part.

It reads to me like a reasonably normal conversation that you depth charged by making a random, desperate, inappropriate overture. Which is only likely to create awkwardness and avoidance... thus feeding back into your long standing belief that you are unloveable or worthless or whatever.

I think the real reason you are still single is you're so utterly obsessed with your own feelings of worthlessness that nothing else can ever penetrate that. Perhaps it is a method you use to reject people before they reject you. And it's probably working.

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hyperlexian
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05 Nov 2011, 8:12 am

LexF wrote:

MrEGuy wrote:

LexF wrote:

Do people really think that having a few books published somehow magically solves all your relationship problems? Ah, if only it could be that simple....

I'll tip-toe around this one a bit, because I think it's fair to point out that the more functional among us (I'm one of them) should at least count our blessings before we whine too hard.

you're on a forum where some people might never work (may even want to write a book but lack the executive function to follow through), may never live independently, could have literally no friends, and might be a virgin at 40. you have *options* of dating but don't want to take them because of your selection criteria, which many people on here don't have at all. i don't know what other kind of forums you go on, but on a forum like this you are a success story in a lot of ways. your accomplishments are amazing, and i think other aspies should be heartened to see what is possible.

however, think you can also understand why they could possibly feel DISheartened. casually stating your accomplishments can, and will, cause people to feel bad. not that you should stop - i honestly think people can benefit from knowing that success is possible. but if you are at all aware of the sort of forum you are on right now you would perhaps understand where they are coming from. i can't blame you... but i also can't blame them.

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anna-banana
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05 Nov 2011, 9:27 am

I have to agree with ToadOfSteel (for once). asking people why they're single is just bad form. there's no reason why a polite person should ask questions like that. it's intrusive and rude.

that excludes close friends of course, but then again, it's ok to call your close friends "b*****s"

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MrEGuy
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05 Nov 2011, 9:51 am

LexF wrote:

But one man's insult is another man's attempt to belittle....

I wasn't attempting to insult you. I was just making sure that the issues that face the less functional autistic spectrum folks get mentioned.

There are a lot of them on here, and their non-presence in this thread largely indicates how intimidated they are by the entire idea of the OP. I've pissed a few of them off for similar reasons and I've come see their viewpoint on the issues that confront higher functioning autistics.

I don't think any of that takes the legitimacy off your question. I just think it's important to know the context in which your question exists.

DialAForAwesome
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05 Nov 2011, 10:02 am

anna-banana wrote:

I have to agree with ToadOfSteel (for once). asking people why they're single is just bad form. there's no reason why a polite person should ask questions like that. it's intrusive and rude.

Agreed. That's why I just respond with "I can't believe it's not butter!" and watch their reaction. :lol:

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LexF
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05 Nov 2011, 10:40 am

MrEGuy wrote:

LexF wrote:

But one man's insult is another man's attempt to belittle....

OK, thanks for the clarification. I probably took your comment the wrong way, and that's not your fault. It's just that I do forums elsewhere, and "whining" is one of the more negative-connotation accusations that get tossed around a lot over there.

Not trying to piss anybody off here....!

LexF
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05 Nov 2011, 10:49 am

hyperlexian wrote:

I guess I just never saw it that way. Yes, I've written some books, but, in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't really changed my life much. People ask me what it's like to be a "celebrity," but authors rarely achieve celbritihood to the extent they get recognized at the mall or something. Nobody has ever approached me in real life because they recognized me from a book cover. I think you have to get to Stephen King-level or something before that kicks in.

I'm really not trying to compare myself with anybody here, or say "Look at me! I did this!" (except insofar as it generates book sales!) -- everybody is different, has their own story, their own issues....

And just to make a point here, in reference to your list above, I literally have no friends either. Everybody I THOUGHT was a friend vanished off the face of the earth when I had my car accident in Feb. 2009. So I know what that's like....

The last thing I want to do is discourage anyone.

freebird1987
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05 Nov 2011, 3:50 pm

The next time someone asks you why you're still single, just say "What's wrong with being single?"

anna-banana
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05 Nov 2011, 3:58 pm

freebird1987 wrote:

The next time someone asks you why you're still single, just say "What's wrong with being single?"

meh. that's typical NT overinterpretation. I'd rather they asked "so what is actually wrong with you that you remain single?", then at least we could have an honest exchange.

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LexF
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05 Nov 2011, 4:01 pm

freebird1987 wrote:

The next time someone asks you why you're still single, just say "What's wrong with being single?"

I've tried that. I get responses like:

"It's not natural."

"Everybody is supposed to be with somebody."

"No sane person likes being alone." (If true, I have a serious problem here.)

Religious types will bring up Genesis 2:18: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone."

People seem to be conditioned to base their entire existences on being adjuncts to other people.

It's as if they become frightened when someone comes along who's OK being one single individual....

I've been in enough (bad) relationships to know that -- for me, anyway -- it's more trouble than it's worth. Not saying it always HAS to be that way, just saying it's hard for me to imagine any other scenario.

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