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Bring back arranged marriages?

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nick007
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29 Nov 2011, 3:15 pm

deconstruction wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
in a normal marriage == her approval

In an arranged marriage scenario == her approval + her parent's approval + her siblings' approval + her clan's approval :lol:...

I don't understand why some male members here wish for arranged marriage thinking it would be easier for them.


Because they don't know what is like to be rejected by girl + her parents + her siblings + her clan?

Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me


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hurtloam
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29 Nov 2011, 3:18 pm

Sounds more like what they're wanting is a forced marriage...



deconstruction
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29 Nov 2011, 3:19 pm

nick007 wrote:
Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me


Ah, so it's not just about the thing being arranged. You don't want the girl to have a say in it?

And you wouldn't mind marrying a person who didn't chose you with her own free will, who didn't want you and who just had to go with it because her parents wanted it? :?: :?



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29 Nov 2011, 3:22 pm

deconstruction wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me


Ah, so it's not just about the thing being arranged. You don't want the girl to have a say in it?

And you wouldn't mind marrying a person who didn't chose you with her own free will, who didn't want you and who just had to go with it because her parents wanted it? :?: :?


And I was asked why I used the word "Forced" in an earlier post to this thread. This is what I meant.



nick007
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29 Nov 2011, 3:31 pm

VincentVanJones wrote:
deconstruction wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me


Ah, so it's not just about the thing being arranged. You don't want the girl to have a say in it?

And you wouldn't mind marrying a person who didn't chose you with her own free will, who didn't want you and who just had to go with it because her parents wanted it? :?: :?


And I was asked why I used the word "Forced" in an earlier post to this thread. This is what I meant.

Yes. I believe she would like me & eventually love me if I was given a real chance because of the way I would treat her


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deconstruction
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29 Nov 2011, 3:35 pm

nick007 wrote:
Yes. I believe she would like me & eventually love me if I was given a real chance because of the way I would treat her


O... K... :?

But wait, what if she doesn't like you? What if she has a bad personality or is physically hideous? A bad person? But her father happens to be rich.

Also, what about sex?



The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Nov 2011, 3:41 pm

nick007 wrote:
deconstruction wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
in a normal marriage == her approval

In an arranged marriage scenario == her approval + her parent's approval + her siblings' approval + her clan's approval :lol:...

I don't understand why some male members here wish for arranged marriage thinking it would be easier for them.


Because they don't know what is like to be rejected by girl + her parents + her siblings + her clan?

Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me



Not really, even looks/body would matter in an arranged marriages, her parents wouldn't want short or ugly grandchildren.

But money, if it's enough, usually compensates all.



nick007
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29 Nov 2011, 3:42 pm

deconstruction wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Yes. I believe she would like me & eventually love me if I was given a real chance because of the way I would treat her


O... K... :?

But wait, what if she doesn't like you? What if she has a bad personality or is physically hideous? A bad person? But her father happens to be rich.

Also, what about sex?

I would still care about her & do what I could to try & make her happy.
Looks are not important to me & neither is money.
As for as a bad personality or a bad person; things might improve if she had someone who supported her & tired to help help.
I'm kind of on the asexuality spectrum; my desire to have sex is kind of dependent on my partner's.


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deconstruction
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29 Nov 2011, 3:47 pm

nick007 wrote:
I would still care about her & do what I could to try & make her happy.
Looks are not important to me & neither is money.
As for as a bad personality or a bad person; things might improve if she had someone who supported her & tired to help help.
I'm kind of on the asexuality spectrum; my desire to have sex is kind of dependent on my partner's.


Bold: But that's what his family is going to see in you.

As for sex, you can't have sex with her until she says it's ok (otherwise it's rape), but what if her and your parents want grandchildren, asap?

Also, you can never "fix" someone's personality. People can change with the help of others, but only if they wanted to. You can't shape other person to suits your needs. This is one of the first lessons people who marry out of love need to learn. But you have no say here; whatever she's like, you're stuck with her forever.



nick007
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29 Nov 2011, 3:54 pm

deconstruction wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I would still care about her & do what I could to try & make her happy.
Looks are not important to me & neither is money.
As for as a bad personality or a bad person; things might improve if she had someone who supported her & tired to help help.
I'm kind of on the asexuality spectrum; my desire to have sex is kind of dependent on my partner's.


Bold: But that's what his family is going to see in you.

As for sex, you can't have sex with her until she says it's ok (otherwise it's rape), but what if her and your parents want grandchildren, asap?

Also, you can never "fix" someone's personality. People can change with the help of others, but only if they wanted to. You can't shape other person to suits your needs. This is one of the first lessons people who marry out of love need to learn. But you have no say here; whatever she's like, you're stuck with her forever.

Having kids would be between me & my partner after we're married regardless of how my family or her's feels about it. We could adopt or use medical science to get them without having sex.
You are very rite that people have to want help. I would try to help her if she would let me but I would still accept her the way she was even if she didn't change anything & I might would grow to love that.

This debate doesn't matter now since I'm with Megz but that's how I felt before her


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deconstruction
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29 Nov 2011, 4:03 pm

nick007 wrote:
Having kids would be between me & my partner after we're married regardless of how my family or her's feels about it. We could adopt or use medical science to get them without having sex.

You are very rite that people have to want help. I would try to be hlep her if she would let me but I would still accept her the way she was even if she didn't change anything & I might would grow to love that


No, no. Nothing is between you and your wife. If she can't have kids, for example, they will make you divorce her, because the main purpose of marriage is to have healthy biological children (speaking of which, why would a family choose you if you seem to have "mental problems"?)

Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not trashing you and I don't think you're unworthy of love or that people with Asperger's are unfit to be parents... I'm just trying to present you the way these things are dealt with in cultures with arranged marriages.

You obviously want to have someone, but you seem way too inexperienced. Things like "I'll change her", "I'll grow to like it", etc. are one of the main reasons people divorce - because it's not something you can do, in most of the cases. Only in a situation of an arranged marriage, you have no say in this.

I wonder if you'd be so eager to promote arranged marriages if you were a female, where you'd have to marry any man, no matter how abusive or alcoholic or cheating he was. Now, I'm not saying only males can be bad. Females are bad, too. With an arranged marriage, you have to absolutely provide for your wife and family. What if your wife is into spending your hard earned money on stupid things?



hurtloam
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29 Nov 2011, 4:07 pm

I think you should read khalid hosieni's novel 1000 splendid suns, might change your perspective on forced marriage.



Last edited by hurtloam on 29 Nov 2011, 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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29 Nov 2011, 4:08 pm

nick007 wrote:
VincentVanJones wrote:
deconstruction wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Some of us get rejected because of things like lack of attraction which would not be a factor in an arranged marriage. I've been told from older people a few times that they wish their daughters or granddaughters would of been interested in me


Ah, so it's not just about the thing being arranged. You don't want the girl to have a say in it?

And you wouldn't mind marrying a person who didn't chose you with her own free will, who didn't want you and who just had to go with it because her parents wanted it? :?: :?


And I was asked why I used the word "Forced" in an earlier post to this thread. This is what I meant.

Yes. I believe she would like me & eventually love me if I was given a real chance because of the way I would treat her

how would you like it if someone forced you to work every day at a job that you know you could not perform or that you are certain you would hate, in the hopes that *eventually* you would like it? you could not leave the job even if you might fail at it utterly; there would be no recourse to escape. you would just have to live with it and try to grow to love it no matter how much you dislike it at the outset. i would consider it barbaric and cruel to force a person to do that. same with forcing someone to get married.

fact is you may be a good catch for the right person, but you are not necessarily a good catch for the person who is forced to be with you. she could hate the way you smelled, the way you touch her, the way your voice sounds, and so on, so that every moment you spend together is pure torture for her. but she'd be stuck with you so that you could have a partner. you could also hate every small thing about her, yet you would be stuck with her too.


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DialAForAwesome
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29 Nov 2011, 6:57 pm

My thoughts, as succinctly as I can put them:

honestly, I don't think arranged marriages are fair to anyone. The end. 8)


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blunnet
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30 Nov 2011, 1:51 am

You westerners, no wonder other cultures think you are a disgrace. ;)




Anyways, rather than arranged marriages, the type you are complaining about, I'd prefer "arranged meetings" for our purposes here, or is this even unacceptable as well? (I wont say I would be surprised)



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30 Nov 2011, 2:20 am

hurtloam wrote:
I think you should read khalid hosieni's novel 1000 splendid suns, might change your perspective on forced marriage.


Or even an older novel: The Broken Wings by Khalil Gibran.