Guys who don't get a second date.. would you send this?

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someone obsessed wouldnt

a polite decline for further dates does not stop some people - in this particular case it may have helped but i've watched people become more stalkerish with every refusal. any return communication with some people is like an invitation for further replies and arguments. it's a crap shoot, and i would advise a person to decide on a case by case basis how to respond.

in some cases, i think that one refusal is respectful, and then no response after that if it gets weird - but again a person should go on gut feeling. the way that Mike was kind of alternating between insulting / blaming Lauren and trying to convince her to go on a second date is a gigantic red flag. i've read enough scary letters from stalkers (not sent to me) to be freaked out by this email. it follows the exact same pattern. i do wonder if she had a very bad feeling from him during the date that led to the "blanking" reaction.

she probably won't need to worry about future communication as i imagine he is thoroughly embarrassed. though.... i suspect this is a hoax.


(aside: i take exception to the idea that it is men who would persist like this because i know some women react like this too. and i dunno if aspies are more likely to be like this than NTs. maybe, because some of us get pretty obsessive and fixated.)

You are quite correct. This is the reason I was careful not to specify 'male' unless speaking directly of Mike.

It'd be interesting to find out if this is a hoax. It's certainly possible, but it's also likely to be very real.

Some people claim this letter used to circulate around the Internet a few years ago. It doesn't prove anything, of course.

In any case, it does ring true.

And no, men aren't the only ones who send this kind of emails or behave this way.

I never went this far, but I did have my own: "the date went well... hey, wait, it's been 2,3,5 days and he's not calling. Maybe he's lost my number. I will call him and remind him of myself. still no answer? Maybe I should call again? After all, he didn't say 'no' and he did say he liked my hair and I did manage to resist talking about my special interest... If he doesn't want to see me again, he should tell me that, right? So it's not over... Maybe I should call again".

Yeah, been there too. It happens.

I think the letter is real.

There are too many small things(the hair thing google it, repeating himself...)that imo make this too realistic to be a fake.

Ive felt disappointment when I realize that someone didnt enjoy an activity as much as me/didnt want me to contact them again and in the past I tried to contact them about it and see what I could work on. Right now I just try to move on asap and pretend tjey arent there.

As for dates/meeting friends... I make one call where I state possible plans and leave my contact info and they can approach me if they are interested.

No.

I would just write:

"Hi Lauren,

I've enjoyed our evening the other, do you want to to this again?

I am waiting your reply,

Regards,"

That is f**king brilliant!

(Also, I'm guessing it's just a fabrication, these things usually are.)

He may have a point, she may well have led him on and liedm although I think he'd have been better served with one sentence along the lines of "get lost, never want to hear from you cos I think you are a fake, thanks for nothing"........ So he rambled on and on, obviously hurt, he deserves more sympathy if he's one of us. One question, if she was so disgusted with him,, why the hell didn't she say so, one girl had at least the guts to say that she didnt want to go out again, she "wanted to be friends", lucky I had the guts to turn my back on her and walked off without responding with a word, I felt thats all she deserved, wasted a whole week thinkin about her before that night, man she was a bore/

I wouldn't bother trying to contact someone if I felt I was being ignored especially if we only had one date. I may still be waiting impatiently for her to contact me thou

Yeah, it's one thing for someone to analyze how a date went and try to figure out why it didn't work out; it's another thing entirely to track someone down on the Internet and send them a long, rambling email with that sort of insulting/blaming tone. If this is real, he doesn't have a healthy sense of boundaries and if he broke that boundary, who knows what else he might do.

I actually got an email a few years ago that was similar in tone, but not nearly as lengthy, from a guy I'd never even dated. He was attending a support group I was also attending, apparently developed feelings for me from afar and then became upset when he learned I was seeing someone. He actually went as far as to find my boyfriend's address via the Internet, which was in the same Philadelphia neighborhood where he lived himself, go there to 'pay him a visit' and leave a note on his door, since he wasn't home. That really freaked us both out.

It's one thing to be upset and/or to think things, it's another to take it to the next level.

Was that doo-doo in the flaming envelope?

Anyway, I wouldn't have sent anything like that. However, lack of closure is the one thing hampering me from dating NTs.

As far as the part about e-mail not being effective communication, sometimes you have to take their word for it, and not look any further for any hidden meanings. But I understand that the guy was just wanting closure. It's like the guys on Maury in the paternity episodes, when the partner/ex-partner/ex-booty call accuses them of being the father and act as if they are "one million percent sure", even though the results have not yet been read. But the guy is just wanting to know if he is or not, so he can know if he needs to take responsibility (and they usually do).

Heh I must be autistic, because I can kinda sorta understand why the guy would send something like this.

Sure, pretending that silence has a meaning by default (not interested) might be stock useful, but then what if the person got hit by a car and was in the hospital and the reason they didn't get back to you is they were in a body cast? In addition, aspies may lose contact with people and be terrible at keeping it up with people (I know I am) and we KNOW that it's not necessarily because we don't like the person. It's just too much effort to keep in touch. It's all so very complicated.

Hell no. The times I've had where I went on a date and it went straight south - I felt it for one, usually I initiated contact by text and told her all of her positive traits, said something optimistic about a future endeavor she talked about, but would indicate that I could see we weren't right for each other.

Dating isn't about trying to 'make someone yours', its really scraping away fuzzy area and lack of information to see who a person is; sometimes it reveals what you want to see, more often it reveals roadblocks. Often enough when I go on a date with a girl - I don't want to buy (ie. the relationship, not dinner). When the script is flipped and they don't want to buy; I completely understand and, as its my right to say the me and her prospect didn't feel right - I give her the same respect. If I text or call them and never get a response, I give it a week, at most possibly a follow up (maybe a side detail I wanted to add) if I sincerely think they just haven't been able to get back to me, but after that the ball is in their court. If they contact me back - great, if not - happy hunting to them.

Point being - if you can't be a good sportsman/sportswoman in this game you just won't be able to hang with it, the silver lining at least is that you can figure out better what doesn't work to be separated from what does. Being that its hard for everyone it takes a bit of altruism to hack it.

Initial reaction was that the guy was disillusional. Personally I think that most ASD males would be pestering but only a minority would go that far.
Reminds me of World's Craziest Fools by Mr. T where this guy kept leaving messages on an answering machine for a woman he met on a date, think it was around 80 over a period of time, just as loony.