I'd rather be alone than settle

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this is why she left

I'm kind of intrigued about that, too.

Also, I don't think instant messaging is the best way to reveal your true, honest feelings to someone, unless you're too shy to do it face to face. This doesn't seem to be the case with Wolfheart and napoleon_chick, so I don't get it.

Of course, I have strong feelings for her, she's a lovely girl, however I'm in a difficult situation because my ex girlfriend is upset that I have developed feelings for this girl, I told her that I love this girl because I want to be open with my heart. My ex seems upset or angry at me, I want to be friends with my ex but I still harbor strong feelings for her.



I have absolutely no idea why she is denying that I had true love for her, it's very stressful and awkward.

i can't think of many reasons to tell your ex-girlfriend that you are in love with someone else (i feel uneasy reading her response as it is a bit heartbreaking). is there some reason you wanted her to know?

How long since you broke up with your ex? Nobody likes to be replaced after only a few weeks.

Also, if your ex wasn't "preppy" and this girl is... Well, some non-preppy girls can be intimidated with that. Not saying that's necessarily the case here.

But I don't think expressing your true feelings (especially love) through instant messages is a good way to go. Only if you're too shy to do it otherwise.

When are people going to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that the perfect partner does not exist? All humans are perfectly imperfect by sheer virtue of being human. In short, we are all fallible!
Moreover, this post begs the question for me: what makes the OP so certain that when does find his perceived "ideal" partner that she will want him?

I was just trying to find closure and show her that I'm moving on, I didn't think it would be a huge problem since she is an ex, we both mutually agreed we wanted different things and we were going to be friends so I'm confused as to why she is hurt.



It has been about 4 months so it has been a long time. It's not like I'm even replacing her because we both agreed that we were going to be friends.



I actually find it easier to express how I feel over text messaging or instant messaging. Sometimes I have difficulty verbalizing what I say or processing body language in real life so I end up being confused, I also speak with little emotion so it's difficult to express how I am feeling through speech alone.

But... It's not how you do this. Yes, she's an ex, but she doesn't want to hear about the new girl! Unless she talks about her new boyfriends extensively, don't share this info. There are other ways to show you are moving on and that you want to be friends with her. Like, well, being her friend. Talking about other girls is not a good way to go here.



Well, 4 months is too soon, imo. But it depends on many factors, such as the length of your relationship. It's ok if you've been together for a couple of months, but if it was a long term relationship (over a year), I think it might be too soon.

But screw the theory. The way she comments on your messages it's clear it's too soon for her.



It's ok then. If it makes you more comfortable, then do how it's more comfortable for you. If you're too shy to do it face to face, or if you worry you might seem expressionless, then it's ok to use instant messages/mails. Hey, I even think it might be a preferred way. I don't think "I love you" with a little emotion in your voice and expressionless face is a great way to say this to a person you care about.

I agree, it's just difficult for me to know the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate, sometimes it's like there is a language barrier and I end up saying something hurtful without realizing how hurtful it is. I guess that's what makes it difficult for me to maintain a relationship over a long period of time, I don't understand dating rules and I'm not emotionally mature.



I agree, I am not the most expressive person and I sometimes think I come off as cold or serious but I think that's common for people on the spectrum. I have noticed that females seem to be more expressive than males which I find interesting.

It's difficult to tell because each person is individual, but talking about your new girlfriend with your ex is generally a no-no, UNLESS it's been a while (a long while... longer than the length of your relationship, maybe?) and you're both ok with it. If she doesn't say anything about her new boyfriends, then you shouldn't say anything about your girlfriend. (Ok, maybe not "anything", but don't focus on the girl and your emotions towards her). And even if your ex does mention her new boyfriend, you shouldn't go overboard with the emotions for this new girl.

I was friends with my ex and I can say it hurt a lot to hear him talking about his new girls. He even asked me for relationship advice and I forced myself to be ok with this. One night he called me to tell me he's had sex with a girl, like he would to a true buddy. I guess it was my fault for not saying how hurtful that was, but I didn't want him to think I was a) desperate and b) not a good friend.



Well, one way to go is to practice your body language and facial expressions, or to mimic other people. But an easier way is to use written communication express yourself.

I do think you come off as serious here, and overly analytical. It's not a bad thing, but in person and in romantic situations, I think many girls would prefer a guy who is more affectionate.

I think one of the problems in your case (if you don't mind me saying this) is that you are a very good looking guy, and many girls assume that a guy who looks like you acts and thinks in a certain way. So maybe they expect one sort of reaction from you and they get a different one. Which is not a problem once you allow a girl to know you better. And if you need to use written communication to do this, so be it.

I do think females on the spectrum are more expressive because many females are socialized to pay attention to people and their emotions and needs. Females on the spectrum can't read people any better than males can, but in time, they learn some body language and they learn how to mimic others better than males do. It's because a girl who doesn't behave politely or a girl who doesn't seem nice to people is more criticized than a boy who does the same. So parents are often quick to point at their daughter's "rude" behaviour than their son's.

I wasn't aware of this in the past but you are right, it depends on the person and I believe some people move on quicker than others or harbor feelings long after the relationship has ended, I guess closure is something that is personal to the person.



I'm not a very affectionate person, if a girl becomes too clingy or starts to show me too much affection, I start to feel detached and claustrophobic if that makes any sense. I can try to mimic others but if I don't truly feel I'm being myself, I fear that I will come across as empty or not authentic. As you have said, I suppose the best alternative would be to find someone who has an understanding of certain traits or symptoms that pertain to someone with AS.

I told this new girl that it's difficult for me to express affection and she actually seems to be understanding. I suppose I could be more expressive when it comes to building a sense of security and trust. I do like stability and I'd like a relationship or marriage that works out long term because it's difficult to go from relationship to relationship ending up in hurt and frustration. Many times with people who aren't on the spectrum, it is like there is a language barrier between us.

Sometimes I feel lost in translation like Bob/Bill or Scarlett in this movie like I'm speaking in a different language or I'm from another culture, I guess that's why this site is called Wrong Planet.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU0oZsqeG_s[/youtube]

This is true. If you really want to be friends with your ex, I think the best is to avoid the subject of new romantic partners. She's obviously not ready for that yet, and maybe she'll never be ready for that in your friendship with her. I bet you can find other subjects to talk about with her than your (or her) romantic life, so focus on that. Focus on the things you two can do/talk about together, you two as friends. I do believe it's possible to remain friends with your ex, but it's tricky, especially if one still has romantic feelings for the other.



Exactly. It's always better to find a person who accepts you for who you are and who is compatible with you, than to mimic others and to pretend. I believe people should be open for compromises, but not to the point of having to pretend all the time while they are with a person. If you want to be close to someone, you have to show them who you really are. And if you aren't a very affectionate person and if you don't function well with clingy people, then it's best to find a girl who is similar to you. Just don't let your lack of facial expressions, etc. prevent you from showing how you truly feel about a person. There's a difference between being cold/not caring and being reserved and liking to have your own space, but with strong feelings for a person.



Sounds good! I assume she's a NT, right? Some NT people (thought not all) don't require much affection and are open to people on the spectrum. However, sometimes they need you to explain some things to them. They can't read people on the spectrum any better than people on the spectrum can read them. It's good that this girl is ready to give you a chance.



Believe me, this is very important for many girls.



I do think it IS a language barrier. Or maybe more like a cultural barrier. The language itself (the words) are there, but you have a problem understanding the actions and motivations and logic behind them.

And I like that movie.

i fogot to say something about this. good catch, first of all. also, i read sonething interesting about that. generally, it's beter for men to NOT wait for women to say it. turns out that most people THINK women say it first, but in fact it is usually the man who actually says it first in a relationship.


http://www.livescience.com/14747-men-love.html

EDIT: one other intersting aspect is that on average men like to hear it BEFORE they have sex and women like to hear it AFTER (not immediately before/after, but at some point). but that doesn't go for everyone - just a trend.

and deconstruction, i agree 100% with the advice you have just given. Wolfheart, an ex can be a friend but usually a different sort of friend with a different set of rules.

I definitely need to take a sensitive approach but I'm not a very sensitive or empathetic guy, I tend to be honest and direct. In some cases, I question if it is healthy to remain friends with an ex, I think it takes maturity and for both people to move on completely so in this case, I need to be careful about how I approach our friendship.



You are right, I'm at a stage where I'm defining what to look for in a partner and what type of partner would be right or best for me. Compatibility and connectivity is very important to me and something that is my main concern, I do need someone is willing to compromise and accept that I will not be as affectionate or clingy and that I won't respond like a typical NT guy. I'm also very much attached to my studies and training so finding someone with an active lifestyle to my own is ideal, this girl seems to be very engaged in her studies and working out so that's definitely an advantage. At some point, I'd like a mortgage and a stable family but I just can't really see myself maintaining a relationship for decades on that emotional level, the longest relationship I've had was just under a year.



Yes but she has said that I don't love her and keeps asking me questions like she is looking for reassurance, I think she is insecure and someone who needs a strong sense of security and trust. I'm okay at attracting a relationship because women ask me out or become interested in me because they find me attractive in some way, I suppose from the outside they can't tell that I'm a painful and frustrating person to be in a relationship with until they are hurt or experience what it is like to date someone on the spectrum first hand, it's definitely to do with lack of communication and understanding. I just don't want to hurt this new girl in the same way and that is something that worries me, I suppose it's very important for us to build a mutual understanding.

You need to ask yourself if you care for this person and if you really want her to be your friend. Maybe it's not "weird" for you and maybe you've moved on, but might see your friendship differently than you do. If you do honestly want to be her friend then you should find a way to take a more sensitive approach. However, she's your ex so I assume she knows what kind of a person you are. But she's obviously not ready to start talking about your new relationships and maybe she'll never be. You don't have to lie to her about having somebody new, but don't go into details, especially when it comes to your feelings towards the new girl.



I think you don't have to worry about the mortgage and family at this point, but you might think about the sort of person that suits you best. Or maybe about your goals and dreams. If you see yourself in a long term relationship/marriage in the future, you have to find a way to make a relationship work. In part, it's about finding a compatible partner, and it seems like you do know what a compatible partner might be for you (someone with an active lifestyle, non-clingy, understanding of your issues/personality etc.)

On the other hand, you should ask yourself is there something you can do to make your relationships work. What usually causes your relationships to fail? Some people can name a specific thing that makes their relationships break: infidelity, boredom, difficulty to get attached, abuse, etc. If you see a pattern here, ask yourself if it's something about you, and if it's about the other person, ask yourself if you are attracted to a specific type of a girl who's not compatible with you.

I think you know what you want, but you're not sure how to get there. (relationships-wise)



Maybe she IS an insecure person. Many people who seem confident and independent are actually insecure and need reassurance. Just because she seems interested in her activities (her studies, working out, etc.) doesn't automatically mean she doesn't need security or that she isn't clingy. (I mean, maybe she isn't, but you need to get to know her better).

I think you might one of those people who seem different than how they really are. What I'm saying is that girls get attracted to you because are good looking and you seem like a serious guy. Many girls like that and they might think you're one of those guys who are always in charge, who know what they are doing. Maybe they aren't prepared for some other aspects of your personality that they don't expect to see with a guy like you. Maybe you attract girls who want a confident, mature guy, so once they see your AS traits or other traits that are different than what they've expected, that makes them doubt you, your feelings or the whole relationship.

Instead of dealing with the issues that make my relationships fail, I end up focusing on something else like my studies or training. I overcompensate and focus on what people will judge me from first glance and I neglect what is truly important such as maintaining a relationship or emotional maturity. However I do feel that it shows determination and willpower, I feel a sense of achievement because I've had to work for it, it isn't something that has been handed to me.

It seems I have to work hard to maintain a relationship as well so what comes naturally to most people comes with a price to someone like me and I feel enough pressure to reach my academic, financial and physical goals because that's what people are going to judge me on at first glance. I feel like a relationship isn't as a rewarding as my other pursuits, although I gain experience and insight from a relationship, It only ends up in hurt and frustration because the other person in relationship ends up emphasizing and working harder to maintain the relationship than I do. At least I think I have realized what I need to look for in a partner and what I need to focus on so this definitely gives me insight on what I need to look for.



I just don't crave affection or attention as much as other people and I have even detached from relationships in the past because I've felt too overwhelmed with emotion or stress or because of the lack of understanding, I guess in a way it's a vicious cycle that keeps repeating.



I have been told by random girls in public and even employers that I look like a male model or I fit the physical criteria for one, I just tend to brush it off but I think you're right in the sense that it does play a certain factor in how people perceive me, my ex dated a model before me and she is an attractive and outgoing girl so perhaps I do attract women who expect me to fit a certain phenotype.

Sometimes I think that could be the case, perhaps people expect me to act a certain way because of how I'm perceived, I suppose that I'm expected to play a certain role and if I fall short in that role in any way, it makes people have doubts. I have been told I'm confident by many people which is surprising to me, that may be the case from the outside but once they are in a relationship with me, they will see that I am not the most secure or certain person. I think once they find out I'm just like any other person and I have faults and insecurities, they start to feel doubtful.