Supportive NT-seeking help with Aspie boyfriend issue! HELP

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Just a thought ,it seems like your Aspie boyfriend may have issues above and beyond AS. The people that I know personally who have AS are very gentle people so his behaviour isn't typical of AS in my opinion .It seems like you two definitely have a relationship with a lot of drama in it .How do you think things will go from here ?If a similar incident occurs a week or now or two weeks from now are you still in for the long haul?

Catsas....I hope you will still consider taking a look at some online sites that deal with domestic abuse. If there is a way to salvage a relationship that has escalated to violence, I'm sure people there have a feasible approach or two to consider. I know that you are likely still feeling the initial relief of snatching your relationship back from the brink. He is very likely feeling that relief, too. But stress is everywhere, and Aspies tend to be very sensitive to it. You two need to work on a strategy for dealing with that stress in constructive ways, before something like this happens again.

Honestly, I'm very concerned for you. If this man really doesn't remember the incident the same way, that concerns me. If he does remember it, but was smart enough to put such a plausible explanation for your injuries in writing....that concerns me just as much. You probably haven't done this, but have you thought about making an inquiry with the police in his area to determine if any police reports have been filed concerning him? They'll tell you how you can do it legally, and at least you could be certain as to whether he's engaged in this kind of behavior with previous partners.

Also, please understand that his co-morbid conditions are extremely important to be aware of. (You mentioned he was taking medication that affects his mood, so I'm assuming there's been some type of diagnosis already.) There's a lot of complexity to having a successful Aspie/NT relationship, and Asperger's is just one facet of that complexity. Co-morbid conditions are huge factors, as well as individual character and coping skills. Keep in mind that although this Aspie man may be less experienced with relationships, it doesn't mean he's a blank slate. He's just as capable of manipulation and deceit as any NT. Honesty is a component of character, not neurological status. I do hope things work out for you, one way or the other. Good luck.

Written suicide threats are among the very most frightening and threatening items one can receive. They absolutely need not be treated the same as any other type of communication. To suggest that written suicide threats be handled with privacy, places an unbearable burden on the recipient. Suicide threats, by definition, beg for the red flag treatment.

Well - the journey continues (or not?)...

Background...

I was the 'trigger' by changing plans - which I KNOW is a trigger for him...

I screwed up, wasn't thinking about it at the time and suddenly changed plans and it did NOT go over well with him -- at all...

What ensued after that was many phone calls, incessant text messages...
Name calling: 'whore', douche bag...
...and being told to go 'hang myself' numerous times!!

Ahhhh!! !! !

Am I a complete idiot here? WOW!
This is insanity!! !

During previous incidents (early on) in our relationship - I experienced this similar name calling, incessant text messages, etc...
He would apologize afterwards and not remember all the specifics of what he said during these 'episodes'...

I read up on 'Metldowns' and 'Mindblindness', etc and worked through these episodes (not enough - obviously!!) - by expressing that this name calling was hurtful and in the 'calm' afterwards - he always apologized and made efforts to 'make it up to me' through his very loving actions. Stupid me - thinking this had been resolved after discussing preventative measurements and some of his main triggers.

(Easier said then done I guess - 'cause I was being me again - and went with the flow in being my spontaneous self -- ended up becoming that same 'changing plans' trigger again. I screwed up, I know. I think I either wasn't listening properly in how to go about changing plans 'appropriately' in order to avoid 'trigger' - or I was just not trying hard enough at the time...Nevertheless...it happened...'trigger central'! !


I have respected and been very understanding with the Aspie side of him. We have moved some serious mountains and grown a lot. The good times are absolutely wonderful.

I feel like a fool right now...because as I am writing this and absorbing my words - it would appear to me like I am the victim of verbal abuse...yet, the Aspie meltdowns and/or mindblindness or whatever the hell this abusive name calling crap is - am I expected to be understanding to being called horrible names -- especially if I am the 'trigger' or what?!?!

This is craziness!! !

I wouldn't allow anyone else to call me horrible names - let alone tell me to go 'hang myself'! !!
What kind of person says such horrible things?? Is this my punishment for being a 'trigger'?!
I have never been called horrible names like this before in my life.

Am I some sick woman now that eats abusive behaviour because he is an Aspie and has triggers???...and 'can't control it' at the time...so I should express my distaste 'after the fact', have him apologize and go on living my life??

Is this just his own particular Aspie behaviour?

I don't want to label.
I do have feelings.
I don't enjoy being called names - especially from someone I care about -- let alone anyone at all, for goodness sake!!

I don't expect what most might call, 'normal' - what ever 'normal' is!! ! LOL! But, I do have self pride and feelings and those deserve consideration and cherishing.

'Weird'! !!

Can anyone shed some light here - what's 'normal' here - where's the 'line' in NT/Aspie relationships for NT's, re: name calling??

I do hope none of my terminology here is coming across as ignorant - I am simply going with my 'gut' here and seeking knowledge with the unfamiliar name calling being thrown at me from someone I care about...

What the hell??~!

Thanks all - I appreciate any/all input and value it.

I'm confused and looking for some personal 'grounding' here...

Thanks!

Here's my opinion:

He can be as agitated as he likes whenever something is triggered. He can rail, scream, punch his own house walls in the privacy of his own home.

He cannot call you names or wish harm to you. Not ever.

If he cannot get past that behavior, then game over.


You cannot control his feelings (nor should you), but he can control his actions (or else he loses the privilege of dating).

Period. The end.

I wish you well. I would have walked away long before now.

Thank you for your insightful response!!

I have secretly struggled with differentiating the 'line' of - understanding some of his 'aspie' behaviours - vs. - my own expectations of how I should be treated - if that makes sense?! (hard to explain!)

Whatever issues have arisen between us - for any reason - we have put in the time and effort, despite adversity/challenges at times and in doing so have gained communication skills that work for us...we have learned to communicate and grow and get to understand one another...imperfections and all...

This has certainly not been without complications.

I believe that because I care about him very much, that I have somehow excused some of behaviours (that I find unacceptable) - by chalking them up to me being an NT and him an Aspie = NT/Aspie relationships often require extra care, understanding and also involve some extra challenges and situations (especially learning proper communication) skills that are learned together and must grow together. This is, of course - simply from my own experience being in an NT/Aspie relationship and certainly not to say that NT/NT or Aspie/Aspie or any other relationship in general don't require understanding, care, have challenges and situations - however - in my opinion they are a of a very different type/style of the aforementioned. Again - this is my own opinion - based on my own experience with relationships that I have had in my life - up to and including this one!

I believe that because I care about him very much, that I have somehow excused some of behaviours (that I find unacceptable) - by chalking them up to me being an NT and him an Aspie = NT/Aspie relationship. Yet - there are some patterns that repeat themselves - the name calling being one of those things that keeps coming up...(although it has improved as we cooperated in communicating ways to avoid certain triggers, etc...)

Realistically - these triggers may occur from time to time (regardless of avoidance measure taken or in place) - hence the current trigger - name calling.

I am feeling a little confused as to my platform in this post currently as my mind is wandering (along with my heart)...

Am I responsible for his behaviour because I (figuratively) pulled his 'trigger' without thinking?

Do I make a list of all the things that are unacceptable and tell him that if he 'does it again' - i.e. name calling (I can suggest other possible options, perhaps?!) that these actions will be unacceptable and a relationship breaker?? (This is what I am considering right now - clear and precisely written, of course!!??)
(I have not expressed all the things that I find unacceptable in behaviour patterns - so how would he know that they are unacceptable and not to continue with these patterns??!) ...although he apologizes for 'name calling' and leaves it at that afterwards in the 'calm'. Yet, I am the one that has gone through the hours and hours and hours and hours all damn day long of the incessant hurtful name calling insults and name calling!! ! OUCH!! !

Should I keep my regular standards for men/relationship and expect him to (for lack of a better word...) -- adhere to them or it over - or should there be some leeway with my expectations because of the obvious Aspie (behavioral) side. Basically - I believe that I am wondering and asking all of you - what do you think is 'reasonable' here in NT/Aspie relationship, re: expectations I'm mentioning?!

HELP!!

Okay...I'm 'lost'...I feel that I'm saying all the wrong things here now and being disrespectful myself now - but I feeling lost to find the right words here right now - bare with me - no offense is meant here - just my experience and trying to sort through it all in my mind and heart --- it feels complicated and I'm struggling with clarity and finding the right words!!

Something tells me that if I am able to communicate all this properly to him that we will find a way to make it work - it's the explaining my points to him PROPERLY that they come across appropriately that a solution may be found - one and for all. Boundaries, expectations and what's unacceptable. (The caring and what feels good part comes naturally!)

Insight would be good here!! Thanks all!

He may be an AS, but that doesn't excuse bad, abusive behavior.

Once one acknowledges they are indeed AS, they have a responsibility, if they choose to be in a relationship, to do the bulk of the work in dealing with THEIR AS, not their partner. Please don't take this wrong, but you seem to be doing an unbelievable amount of work in dealing with HIS problem, watching your every move, and yet, he continues to react and lash out at you negatively when a stressor pops up! This pattern of his, IMO, you will in the future, find yourself being verbally attacked when you've done NOTHING! ZERO!

My concern is the longer this goes on, the more you will doubt your very own sanity.....the more you will question YOUR every action that triggered HIS blowup or meltdown! And when your own lines start blurring, it becomes even more difficult to deal with THEIR meltdowns. You start to lose your sense of reality in their crazy, abusive outbursts, and that's when it's more difficult to get out.

I wish you all the best. He has a diagnosis, he has ownership of how he chooses to proceed.

WOW! Thanks a lot...

I can see the patterns and would like to give this ONE LAST GO to express my needs and expectations - his responsibilities and mine - take ownership and be very clear what thwe consequences are. Directly and honestly. 'No s**t'!

We have BOTH worked very hard here and it would be a shame to throw away all the wonderful that we do share - most of the time!!

Having said that...

I refuse to be some abuse victim - I am a much stronger woman to ever allow that - although I can see how some people might read into all this and feel that I am already a victim. I do not feel that way and would like to take the next logical steps to be very clear about my expectations so there is no room for any miscommunication or line crossing!!

Help me to lay out the proper communication parameters and my expectations to him in an email...see if we're willing to put in the work for the greater good and go from there.

Suggestions on wording that might come across properly and appropriately? - would be helpful!!

This is what I would like to do - so I can rest assured in my heart that I did everything in my power to make this work - as I will miss him and all the good that he has brought to my life and the good I have found in me by being with him all this time... if our relationship was to end. Perspective

Note: I am not a sucker, I am not needy. I am a loving, understanding, non-judgmental woman that is extremely loyal to those I care about.

Admittedly, I often think with my heart first.

Rest assured, that I do have a breaking point and once reached - I will have no qualms about ending this relationship. I feel that my expectations, boundaries, acceptable/unacceptable behavior has not been clearly voiced and 'heard' - , I would like to present that to him now - before another step is taken in any direction. It's important.

I truly appreciate the insights, support and encouragement that I have found on this site. As a newbie to NT/Aspie relationship - your input and advice is a comfort and very helpful - keep helping others, all!

Having said all that...

I am a glass half full kinda gal and I need to see this through right now...

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

WOW! Thanks a lot...

I can see the patterns and would like to give this ONE LAST GO to express my needs and expectations - his responsibilities and mine - take ownership and be very clear what thwe consequences are. Directly and honestly. 'No s**t'!

We have BOTH worked very hard here and it would be a shame to throw away all the wonderful that we do share - most of the time!!

Having said that...

I refuse to be some abuse victim - I am a much stronger woman to ever allow that - although I can see how some people might read into all this and feel that I am already a victim. I do not feel that way and would like to take the next logical steps to be very clear about my expectations so there is no room for any miscommunication or line crossing!!

Help me to lay out the proper communication parameters and my expectations to him in an email...see if we're willing to put in the work for the greater good and go from there.

Suggestions on wording that might come across properly and appropriately? - would be helpful!!

This is what I would like to do - so I can rest assured in my heart that I did everything in my power to make this work - as I will miss him and all the good that he has brought to my life and the good I have found in me by being with him all this time... if our relationship was to end. Perspective

Note: I am not a sucker, I am not needy. I am a loving, understanding, non-judgmental woman that is extremely loyal to those I care about.

Admittedly, I often think with my heart first.

Rest assured, that I do have a breaking point and once reached - I will have no qualms about ending this relationship. I feel that my expectations, boundaries, acceptable/unacceptable behavior has not been clearly voiced and 'heard' - , I would like to present that to him now - before another step is taken in any direction. It's important.

I truly appreciate the insights, support and encouragement that I have found on this site. As a newbie to NT/Aspie relationship - your input and advice is a comfort and very helpful - keep helping others, all!

Having said all that...

I am a glass half full kinda gal and I need to see this through right now...

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Please Catsas, you have an idea that simply doesn't work. No amount of improvement in communication will recreate a forty year old man. There is no perfect proper explanation that can turn any man away from abusive talk and behavior. It is not that he's missing some point about it or the concept of it. AS folks understand abuse very well. It's a constant topic on this forum. If nothing else, the folks here understand the damage that abusive behavior causes; probably better than anyone. He understands it and he does it to you. He is not stupid; he's abusive when he feels the urge.

I understand that an aspect of AS is that frustrations are quite exaggerated. I interpret that frustrations can feel like crises. Also the recovery time required to get over a frustration (feeling of being in crisis) is extensive. Therein it could be said that lashing out over frustrations is hard to control. But to whatever extent this may be true; what good does that do for the abused party? Abuse is never OK simply because the abuser has difficulty controlling the behavior.

In my life if someone does something abusive, I get away from them. If they tell me not to feel so bad about it because they can't control it; I'm so gone they will never see me again. No amount of love and caring can change anyone who believes he cannot control abusive behavior. Do this for yourself and your lover; find even one example of an abusive adult who was transformed by the love and care of his lover/victim.

It's true that people transform. When they transform it's because they have come to terms with the losses their abusive behaviors have cost them. No one has ever transformed due to a perfectly stated explanation of why/how abuse is damaging.

What MV said:

It's the losses that precipitate transformation.

Each instance of abuse accepted by a free individual intrenches the abuser another notch deeper. If he is to ever be free of his destructive behaviors, it will be because he has run out of willing victims. And then, only, need he face his losses.

Thank you MountainLaurel, Bicycle22 and MV...this thread has helped my perspective too....

Those posts are on a huge sticky across the front of my monitor now.

Catsas,

You should never have to feel guilty or shameful for just being YOU. You are not a trigger, you are not flawed, you are just you. You cannot spend your time watching your words or walking on eggshells. It will tear you down. If you think deep inside yourself about how you feel, that is what your heart is telling you. You wrote it out and that is what should lead you:

I also believe in one more chance so I think at this point you need to write out clearly what you expect from the relationship and that you will not tolerate abuse anymore. If he lashes out at you again, you will leave and the relationship will be over. That way he knows what to expect and of course you have to follow through for your own mental health. He needs to find another way to express his emotion or take himself out of the situation or you will take yourself out. You don't have to listen to it. Leave the house or environment that you are in when it happens. Turn off the phone.

Read this again.. it is spot on:


Empower yourself!

Does this person make me happy and am I a better person for being with him/her?

That is all you need to ask yourself and I agree with Mountain Laurel, at age 40, the prospects are dim he will change. Do not allow this to happen again.

You can only control you, you can't control him.

So that means, break it off with him.

From reading your posts, he has had plenty of chances to change and you have given him tons of understanding and compassion, turning yourself into a pretzel to accommodate his rages, is a non starter....

Tough to do because you love him but love does not conquer all, unfortunately...and this is not an Aspergers issue, this is a he is an abuser issue.

Take care of yourself.

Agree with this, and with all the other wise posters on this thread. Unfortunately, it will never make you a better person / you will never ever be rewarded for tolerating his abusive behavior. This is a classic pitfall in abusive relationships.

Catsas, I know you're looking for reasons to justify and validate all the (wasted) time you've put into it, but unfortunately there don't seem to be any. Walk away. Soon.

Thank you for this thread I am having the same issues at the moment it has been a roller coaster ride for me