Throwing in the towel.
03 Mar 2012, 4:31 pm
AspieOtaku wrote:
Ive thrown in the towel 6 years ago. I have realized nobody wants to get serious with a freak like me. At least that is what I think as well. As cold as it may seem, sometimes I think a relationship is a distraction from my studies and work. I might change my mind you might as well but i think i know how ya feel.
23 years old is rather early to give up.
Yeah it seems rather early but in the relationship I was in you might understand I was with this woman for at least 2 years off and on and I loved her dearly since high-school. She even took my virginity when I was 17 and she was 18 at the time. We eventually got more serious and considered getting engaged and we moved in together in our 20s I eventually opened up and told her about my autism. Things went out fine for a while until all of a sudden her personality changed and she began to become controlling and abusive and every time she would blame everything on me with her problems even though I had nothing to do with them, and try to find ways to blame things on me, so I began to take things out on myself and as a result I began to have a few meltdowns. She did not understand and scoffed at me when i had melt downs and said I am just doing it to earn her pity. I even made changes for her to try to make her happy and she was still unhappy and began to be more abusive. Still unfortunately I did not care about my own self or satisfaction, but only hers I guess you can say it is reverse selfishness. She would begin to intervene with my privacy and routines and also spread false rumors to her friends like I was cheating on her etc and I never did such things. She then began to cheat on me and we broke up It was hard for me but I still loved her. I was in depression and she told me she doesn't hate me, she just cant stand me and wants me out of her life. She moved out of my apartment and the stress seemed to subside abit until she visited a few times to hang out with my room mate because she and my room mate were friends. She would bring over the guy she left me for which was a guy who was 46 years old who was bipolar and an ex coke addict. Funny story about that he bailed on her 3 months later but anyway back to my explanation. Things were goin good for a while as i had a decent job with routine shifts and I had my own car my first car which was a 1965 T-bird until 6 months later the plant i was working for shut down and they laid everyone off. I had to go job hunting again but nobody in town was hiring and so I began to have meltdowns at home and had to sell my car and overdraw my account to pay my last months rent. On the final day in my apartment I was severely depressed scared of being homeless I lost everything i worked hard for to earn etc I was thinking about suicide because i thought of myself as a failure and a loser not fixed to move on in this world. My ex fiance comes over to visit and begins to harass me at the wrong time i am curled up broken down and I tell her to go away and she stays and tells me I am a push over that is why she left me and she told me oh no dont try earning my pity your pathetic etc your not going to kill yourself your too cowardly. Then I said to her then what do think about this? I took a kitchen knife and began to slit my wrists. Then she laughed and said omg your a psycho she puts on her head phones and leaves the apartment and my room mate calls the ambulance and I spend a few days in the hospital under suicide watch. I got out and had to live with my parents for a while until I got back on my own 2 feet again and start over. Painful memories indeed it is hard to trust anyone these days.
