Using girlfriends as doormats

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Why do you take s**t off of whores and then try to twist it around like "you're using them".? You'll have more money in the bank when you stop letting "female friends"
use you until you're all used up. Don't be a sap!! This advice is coming from a woman!!
LJBF is another way of saying "I won't nothing to do with you" but because society demands that we females always be nice they say LJBF to guys. If you stick around after she blatantly insults you with that phrase, then you get what you deserve - you obviously don't respect yourself, so why should she? Aspie men, and women too, really think that means the person that just blatantly rejected them actually wants to be "friends". LJBF is an insult! Did any of these LJBF's introduce you to a decent female. Real female friends should do that for you. I bet they don't - that's because when you eventually find a romantic partner, they won't be able to take advantage of you anymore. When you do find someone, I STRONGLY suggest you get away from these LJBF asap because they'll break up your relationship!! They ARE - REALLY ARE THAT SELFISH.

Okay Roman, no worries. It's safe to say you are nearly beyond the help of your peers.
Instead of questioning how people can make lifelong decisions on first encounters, question why you feel people don't have the right to do with their lives and feelings what they will. All you are doing is defend, defend, defend, and throwing words at the situation instead of re-evaluating it. You expected this girl to re-evaluate your situation when you aren't even willing to re-evaluate the situation with her.

On top of this, this happened many years ago. This should be a part of your past. She should have been just another girl that rejected you and you will find another some day that is more suited to your needs, feelings and personality.

I also find it very interesting you say and think one thing, someone points it out, for you to instantly defend it with "that's not what I meant". It's also this that puts women off. If people react adversely to what you say this seems to be your get out of jail free card. Women really don't like it. I also find it interesting you did not quote or brushed over the bit about social status and why you seek relationships.

In short, I think before you judge a girl for her relationship decisions you must first judge yourself, and learn to be happy, open, and honest with yourself and others. As she said (even though it was to be nice) you can't be happy with others until you are happy with yourself. This might have been said some time ago but it's definitely something that would be worth exploring.

In case of Katie, the "I am using her" phase was during the very first conversation when I was telling her for a couple of hours how miserable I am due to Asperger.

Now, the bigger picture is that I am complaining to a lot more girls than just Katie. If I take my two long term girlfriends (one lasted for a year and the other two years) in both cases I was regularly talking to them as to why the girls I previously trying to date were rejecting me. I was, similarly, complaining about professors rejecting me as well. In fact

Now, of course, my audience was not limitted to just Katie and two long term girlfriends. The general pattern is that whenever I am talking to a girl X, if I feel I still have a chance dating girl X, I would be complaining to her about girls A, B, C, etc. Then, after girl X rejects me, I start to obsess about girl X and from that point on I would talk to her ONLY about HER (why did she reject me) and no one else.

Nothing's going to break your suspension of disbelief, hmm?

Wait 6 months or so and then reread this thread.

Hi RealGalaxy. Since you added to your response, let me respond to the rest of what you wrote:

But in Katies case she must have really meant "friends". After all,

1) In May 2005 during her LJBF she was explaining to me that if I have poor social status I need friends rather than a girlfriend because lifting someone up emotionally is what friends are for.

2) In Summer 2005 (after having LJBF-ed me in May) she kept trying to talk to me and I was the one not responding

3) In November 2005 she elaborated quite a lot that "friends are important and hard to find"

I mean, if "Lets Just Be Friends" was just a conventional phrase, then she won't be elaborating on it so much. I mean when someone sneezes and you say conventional "god bless you", you don't go on to discuss God and exactly how He would bless a given person.



If X is bad and Y is bad it doesn't mean that X and Y can go together. Yes

1. It is bad if she wants nothing to do with me
2. It is bad if she wants to use me

But both of the above can't go together without obvious contradiction. If I freak her out and she wants to get away from me, she would likely cut conversations short as opposed to trying to find ways of using me.



Actually Anne (the girl I was upset about BEFORE contacting Katie -- see http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html ) there was one time when she wanted me to know her former classmate and it just "happened" that she went to her appartment to get something while me and her classmate was standing before the appartment complex waiting for Anne. She later asked me whether I liked that girl and I said no. But it never occured to me she was trying to introduce me to the other girl as in "possible dating material" since back then I was obsessed about Anne and nothing else; I guess there is no way to find out since its now been a long time.



Once again you are contradicting yourself. You said earlier "lets just be friends" means "I want nothing to do with you"; if so, then they would be TRYING to introduce me to others just to get rid of me. But if you say they want to take advantage of me, then how could you possibly said earlier that LJBF is what they ONLY say to be polite.



Actually I am not in contact with them now. I am just trying to understand their logic.

BEYOND HELP

Okay if you read any given time I said "thats not what I meant" I also explained in detail exactly what I meant. And if you read my explanation AND THEN GO BACK TO ORIGINAL POST you will find that this is something I could, indeed, have meant in the original post. Now its true that the fact that I "could" have meant it doesn't imply that I did. But as they said "innocent till proven guilty". I mean the issue is that in ordinary communication the same phrase can have many meanings. So if I were to split all possible hairs in original post, it would take several pages. So, instead, I just split "enough" (but not all) hairs, and then if some hairs that I didn't split cause subsequent confusion I say "its not what I meant" and go on to split the "relevent" hairs to explain what it was I meant.



Well I DID talk about it in details in other posts (see, for example, http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt15058.html -- although I dwell on that issue of why I date more in the subsequent responses and not so much in original post)

In short, I think before you judge a girl for her relationship decisions you must first judge yourself, and learn to be happy, open, and honest with yourself and others. As she said (even though it was to be nice) you can't be happy with others until you are happy with yourself. This might have been said some time ago but it's definitely something that would be worth exploring.[/quote]

Sometimes it's better to stick through with what you've said even if people don't like it or they did take it the wrong way. It shows conviction, confidence and a sense of character. Even if it's not what everyone likes, it's honest and that's what people look for in relationships, be they friendships or intimate - Honesty. Flip flopping on what you've said and defending everything you've said til you "convince" everyone what you said was nice or not ill meant is just dishonest and it also shows a weakness to manufacture statements for an individual until they eventually work.

I hope you do find someone who puts you in their "love zone" not their "friend zone", Roman, it's a tough old game that love business but before you can make it there you have to take on some humility.

Well, if I have IN FACT meant something other than what people understood me to say, they "sticking through with what I said" would REQUIRE me to say "thats not what I meant". In fact, my motive to say "its not waht I meant" is precisely this. As an aspie I have a need to accurately reflect what my ideas are. So when others misunderstand them I have a need to correct misunderstanding.

Now the above happens quite often probably because I think differently from others. So when I say something, others "fill in blanks" according to THEIR way of thinking, which is very different from mine.

Thats why I am saying again -- PLEASE COMPARE "ITS NOT WHAT I MEANT" TO MY ORIGINAL POST. You will find that my "corrected" version of what I meant is very consistent with what I originally said. So I didn't change my mind on anything, I simply clarified what I meant.

If I'm honest I really think I have my own idea on your views, it has nothing to do with what you meant or not meant. I have my own version of what you meant, and so do other people. And that's just it, you need to stop trying to convince others what you mean, rephrasing it til it works etc. and just "go with it". If you have trouble conveying what you mean, instead of rushing to defend yourself or respond or get the last word, just clearly think out what you want to say, even if it means typing various versions of the same thing on notepad, or checking it over with others first or something. This desperation to respond, be validated and say "the right thing" regardless of what you mean is holding you back from saying and doing all the actual right things.

I don't think Roman the OP quite understands the 'doormat' situation.

Acting as a doormat, means you are a people pleaser. Like someone else said, it's all about the other person being the doormat, not you. It's all about them, and it's their choice, whether to let you walk on them or not.

Roman - "No. I am not suggesting about dating the girl against her will; I am suggesting the girl should periodically re-evaluate her opinion. Fine, let her judge me by HER standards; BUT, why can't she re-judge me later on after she judged me negatively the first time? Why is it when her mind is made up she never looks for further information to see if her mind can change?

This is very different from "dating me against her will". I want HER WILL to change so that she would ACTUALLY like me. Even if she were to say "fine I don't like you but I will date you just to be nice" I would still complain why is it she doesn't like me (which is in fact the REAL thing that bothers me in the first place).

Now, does it mean I want to use some kind of mind control? No. All I want is for her to have an open mind. Let her be as strict in evaluating me as she likes, I just want that box of "mind made up" being thrown out the window, so she can re-evaluate things over and over without making up her mind. "

Are you serious? You don't deserve to even have her as a friend by those standards. I would've told you to get off a long time ago, oh and this is also coming from a female.

IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, GUESS WHAT, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, AND YOUUUU CANNNNTTT MAKEEEEE HERRRRR.

Learn some serious boundaries.

I'm pretty sure she does have a brain, to evaluate that she DOESN'T like you. SURPRISE!

Let me put it this way, what would you do in the situation, where the girl is demanding you re-think your opinion about not liking her? You must give her reasons you're not attracted to her, that you don't see her that way other than a friend, you have a different type of woman in mind, but you must re-evaluate everything. You MUST give her a chance, even though you know for sure in your heart and in your head you feel no connection, it's never going to go anywhere, but you must re-evaluate it all. You must think it all over, but in the end, you still feel exactly the same about her as you did a week ago, maybe even slightly repulsed by her actions?

How would that make you feel? Yeah you'd probably tell the girl to get lost right?

Been told over and over again how I'm shallow for not doing exactly what you just laid out there.

I will try to relate to this with some of my experiences.
To me Romans description sounds like a common kind NT girl who is overly status-conscious, interested in how others see her and needs lot of positive affirmation to feel good about herself. A very social type, the typical "queen bee" in high school. When I was younger they would always LJBF me, they were very consistent. I had one describe herself as a "gold digger". While it may not seem like it they are very insecure and are afraid of all kinds of things real or often imagined.
At any rate I tired of the LJBF thing, they would expect favors but when it is time for something in return the answer was always no. I felt I was being used and now avoid this kind of relashenship that I do not want. Not that I will not be a friendly with them.
Now that I am financially successful if these kinds of girls find out they will jump me in a heartbeat, something I personally have a real problem with.

There are so many great girls out there why get stuck on a user who is not really interested. Pick a girl who really likes you and skip the uninterested time wasters.