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How to break the "Nice Guy" cycle

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TheSunAlsoRises
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27 May 2012, 9:31 am

"For success in science and art a dash of autism is essential." --Hans Asperger

" For success in dating and love a dash of assholitis is essential." --TheSunAlsoRises


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J-Greens
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27 May 2012, 9:43 am

Kurgan wrote:
Let's say that the dating culture changed over night 15 years ago and since then, women were the one's who had to make the first move and by now, this was the established standard. Would you accept most of the girls hitting on YOU?

To be honest, I can't even picture it. Multiple girls asking me out? There are like, millions of guys better than me to date. I can't picture it. I can picture shy girls asking me out awkwardly and I would always accept if I was still in this situation and without a girlfriend.


Kurgan wrote:
Would you bother to make the first move on a girl if girls were the ones who were supposed to make the first move on you? Don't hate girls; if anything, hate the current designated standards. ?

I would go after a girl I partcularly felt attracted to, just because I didn't want her to go to some douche who didn't deserve her, but yes I already hate this current standard.

Kurgan wrote:
I'm being tongue-in-cheek, not sarcastic. Why risk rejection, public humiliation and all that if you can get away by being passive? Let's rephrase it: Would you bother to write applications for jobs if potential employers offered you one well-paid job after another and were competing against other employers to hire you?

If one job was special enough to almost shine through every other opportunity I would personally make it my mission to get that job.



Warsie
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28 May 2012, 12:03 pm

J-Greens wrote:
That's the attitude women have already. Even normal guys would be so shocked if a girl actually hit-on-them they would not turn her down. Not once.


Not too sure....


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JanuaryMan
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28 May 2012, 12:18 pm

lol some of us guys have standards, thanks.



rabbittss
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28 May 2012, 12:21 pm

Warsie wrote:
J-Greens wrote:
That's the attitude women have already. Even normal guys would be so shocked if a girl actually hit-on-them they would not turn her down. Not once.


Not too sure....


I've turned down basically every woman who has ever asked me out, simply because she's not what I'm interested in, I'm sure she might be perfectly nice but eh.. no.



J-Greens
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28 May 2012, 12:51 pm

Thanks for the confidence booster guys, real nice. :roll:

As for "Standards", I see "Barriers" as if having AS was bad enough you want to limit yourself to a tightly defined niche, who may or may not appreciate the difficulties of AS? I mean we're here on on WP for a reason...



rabbittss
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28 May 2012, 12:55 pm

J-Greens wrote:
Thanks for the confidence booster guys, real nice. :roll:

As for "Standards", I see "Barriers" as if having AS was bad enough you want to limit yourself to a tightly defined niche, who may or may not appreciate the difficulties of AS? I mean we're here on on WP for a reason...


So? You're intimating that because we have a problem we should simply accept whatever we can get? Talk about a confidence killer.



J-Greens
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28 May 2012, 1:04 pm

It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.



rabbittss
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28 May 2012, 1:37 pm

J-Greens wrote:
It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.


See, I look at it differently. I'd rather have nothing than throw my hands up and compromise.

How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.



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28 May 2012, 1:46 pm

rabbittss wrote:
J-Greens wrote:
It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.


See, I look at it differently. I'd rather have nothing than throw my hands up and compromise.

How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.


It's a choice that many men are fored to make because of the geavy stigma surrounding male inexperience or the fact that a man has been without sex for a long time..



JanuaryMan
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28 May 2012, 1:51 pm

J-Greens wrote:
It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.


J-Greens, some of us that come to L&D are the ones giving advice. I'm in a relationship now, and it "just happened" with a girl that has everything I was looking for. There are people here that have been married a long time, in long term relationships. All in all not everyone here is seeking advice or has problems of this nature, to the contrary some are here to learn from experiences others are having, or to help them or to listen to them.

I'm not NT, but I can still walk, talk, breathe, communicate, amass wealth and fortune just like everyone else. I had a high paying job and a city pad. The only reason I don't now is because I didn't take time off work to avoid a meltdown. It's very possible for us to achieve a lot, if we stop believing we are only capable of so little. Even though I'm unemployed I am waiting on some money from bank charges, PPI etc. to come in (and it is coming) so I definitely like to believe fortune and all the good things isn't astronomically limited to NT's.



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28 May 2012, 1:58 pm

Kurgan wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
J-Greens wrote:
It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.


See, I look at it differently. I'd rather have nothing than throw my hands up and compromise.

How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.


It's a choice that many men are fored to make because of the geavy stigma surrounding male inexperience or the fact that a man has been without sex for a long time..


No one forces you to make that choice. I'd rather do without, forever, than settle.



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28 May 2012, 2:00 pm

rabbittss wrote:
Kurgan wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
J-Greens wrote:
It's hardly a confidence killer, it's the truth. We're not NT. We can't do the things we want to do, or become the people we want to be. If we were all happy with our dating lives why would we need L&D?

I don't expect any sort of NT relationship, with NT people - enough of them have already said that I'm not NT. So instead of having expectations and demands, I'm just open to any sort of relationship, even - even if it's negative. Because it's better than this. Which is nothing.


See, I look at it differently. I'd rather have nothing than throw my hands up and compromise.

How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.


It's a choice that many men are fored to make because of the geavy stigma surrounding male inexperience or the fact that a man has been without sex for a long time..


No one forces you to make that choice. I'd rather do without, forever, than settle.


If he does not want other people to look down on him or doesn't want to miss out on future relationships because the girl is creeped out by inexperience, he might have to make this choice.



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28 May 2012, 2:31 pm

rabbittss wrote:
How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.


Who are 'Them'? I've never had a relationship. Or a date. Or anything.
I don't see what I am doing? Looking for a relationship? I should stop?

I don't see what choice there is here? I've never made a choice to stay single. Everyone else has made the choice that I'm not good enough for them.

This is getting confusing...



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28 May 2012, 2:36 pm

J-Greens wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
How is your perspective fair to the other person? You aren't with them because you genuinely like them, want to be with them, or want to share your life with them. You're with them because you feel they are the best you can do. Maybe you aren't the best they can do, but by you doing what you are doing, they will never know.


Who are 'Them'? I've never had a relationship. Or a date. Or anything.
I don't see what I am doing? Looking for a relationship? I should stop?

I don't see what choice there is here? I've never made a choice to stay single. Everyone else has made the choice that I'm not good enough for them.

This is getting confusing...


If you genuinely will take anything that comes your way and be happy with it.. then more power to you.. most people tend to have certain things they want in a potential partner and only "Settle" when they get desperate or bored and just want some one to fool around with until something better comes along, or while still holding out the hope something better will come along.

Desperation and Boredom are bad places to start relationships.

No you didn't choose to be single, but Single is the default setting of life.