are we aspie men bad with women or are women bad with us

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I am not so sure it is they can't stand you as it is you confuse them. Some of the traits can be difficult to manuver even when you know the person is AS and you love them. It would be especially difficult if they didn't know or didn't have a place like here to learn how to communicate. I am not saying it is all on the Aspie. I am sure there are NT traits that are confusing and difficult. I literally have to tell my bf at times this doesn't have to make sense to you but right now this is what I FEEL without a logical explanation why I feel it is just because I do. Because I try really hard to figure out my "why" before he has to deal with it most of the time but sometimes there is no why. Just as it is confusing to you when a NT does something with no point of reference and seemingly out of no where without reason and they expect you to understand it is equally confusing when and AS doesn't "get it" on some things.. such as my post earlier about not thinking to give our daughter a snack when dinner would be late. To me that is logical to him it just didn't cross his mind. He thought about what he needed to get done and not to mention the fact that it was last minute and "off routine" so he doesn't process all the details so well in those situations. It is difficult as the person who has no issue seeing the whole situation to not get annoyed with the person who "didn't think to do one simple thing" I do find Aspies to be incredibly sensitive and maybe you take frustration as hate. I had a long long go around with my teen son (AS) because "you always get pissed off at me and hate me" when I simply ask him to do something that he should know to do... clean the toilet seat if you make a mess, put your plate in the kitchen not on your bedroom floor etc. I REALLY had to work hard to communicate to him so he doesn't feel hated over soemthing I am mildly annoyed with. I have actually had to tell him my feelings before I speak at times.. "I am annoyed" "I am frustrated" " I am livid at your behavior but I love you" I also do that on a different level with my BF "I am not mad at YOU I am frustrated over what you did and this is why" To have a successful relationship with someone you both have to work to learn how to communicate with the other person. And if you think you have made her THAT mad and you go off to be upset she may misread that. Ask her how she feels. Ask her if she is mad. Ask her how she wants that situation to go in the future. I am not saying everything has to be done her way but you should be told her expectations otherwise you will never be able to be happy

I also wouldnt agree with the "meet a girl before 25" rule.

From my oppinion the advantages of us aspies are: Loyalty, stability, seriousness and so on... things that are not very interesting for Girls below 25. In this age you are more into adventure, emotional romance, "finding the true,true,true love...." ^^, and so on.. so the above meant advantages are for many girls around this age more a "BOOOOOORING!! !"-misadvantage. ^^

Things turn from my Oppinion, a bit later, when you start to think of family and so on, because then things like stability become more attractive.

Absolutely disagree with the meet a girl before 25 thing.

Over the course of the last couple weeks and still seeing this thread pop up, let's look at the following idea: Responsible behaviour and actions.

Why are NT women bad with Aspie men: Can't really say, but chances are the experience a lot of Aspies have they had to deal with women who refused to be responsible for their actions in hurting the Aspie's feelings. This behaviour also led the Aspie to believe it was their fault because they were "different." Chances are there was bad communication involved and the Aspie was left confused. A good example of this is the hard to get mind games and leading one on. Obviously can't rule out that the Aspie fell for the wrong type of girl. This of course set the Aspie off track a little when it came to his own personal growth because now he is wondering "What did I do wrong with this one?" The woman walks away believing they did nothing wrong and not caring what impact it had on the behaviour of the Aspie moving forward.
In this context, I can assure you it was not an Aspie thing. The lady probably realized she could treat the man like a doormat and not feel bad for doing so since she was never going to told it was unacceptable behaviour anyway. She will continue to do this to men until someone with backbone puts her in her place (this is no guarantee it will stop however)

Which brings me to the next point of why Aspies are bad with NT women: The aspie did the same as above to the next woman that came along. This experience may have conditioned the Aspie to believe it was ok to play this type of game. The belief that all women are the same and are out to hurt us is what the Aspie feels at this point. This of course prevents personal growth. He is still believing "no woman will ever want me because I have Aspergers." So the "woe is me" attitude comes out because the Aspie can't accept the real him and identifies with Aspergers instead and excuses his behaviours on this. A big no-no in many regards. Of course communication becomes a huge issue for the NT woman involved. She is being honest, but probably trying to minimize the pain of getting hurt because she can see it coming here. Of course, the ending happens and the Aspie shows the lady absolutely no respect. The Aspie at this point walks away believing they did nothing wrong and not caring what impact this behaviour had on her. However, the Aspie also goes as far as to completely cut her off because that is what the previous person did to them. And of course if the Aspie had enough frustration over his life of not getting what he wants, this relationship or friendship will end far worse than the relationship with the bad NT did. Even better... the fear took over for the Aspie here
The Aspie engaged in unacceptable behaviour here, but probably used the "i have Aspergers" to excuse such behaviour.

Remember in the dating world the key obvious thing: There is not NT-Aspie thing. It is boy-girl, boy-boy, or girl-girl. Whatever your sexuality or disability is doesn't matter. It is communication, taking responsibility for your behaviour, accepting your personality and not believing that you are limited because someone else said so.

aspiemike... Especially LOVE your last paragraph. There are times on this site I become very bothered by those that post how they can't be loved or wont ever find anyone because they are Aspie. Yes, there are a lot of jerks out there... doesn't matter if you are AS/NT you WILL get hurt many times and it WILL be difficult to find the right person. But being Aspie does not keep anyone from finding love. There are women out there who are very attracted to those traits. I didn't know my ex was Aspie when we dated but it was those traits that drew me to him. His obsession was music and doccumenteries and I enjoyed those things and his quirks were mostly charming. Same with my boyfriend. We have been together 3 1/2 years and I only discovered he is Aspie in October. In this case, knowing has helped because I am better able to communicate with him and there are far fewer misunderstandings and frustrations. Again, is obsessions are things I enjoy and his quirks are charming. I have never in my life been so completely in love with someone. This is the type of person I am attracted to and want to be with and I assure you I am not the only woman out there like this. You will have to put yourselves out there and take chances and get hurt. When things go wrong, and they will, come here and post about it. Let the people here help you work out why things didn't go the way you hoped. Relationships not working is not specific to you. It happens to all of us. I can honestly say there have been relationships that have ended and caught me totally off gard and I had no idea why they ended. Some I ended for no reason other than I just wasn't feeling it. Nothing wrong with the person just wasn't the person for me. Just get back out there and try again

yes aspiemike. i've seen people pre-emptively treat others badly because that was what they expected from life and love. when the future relationships didn't work out, there was no personal responsibility taken for why things went south. sometimes, they placed blame on their partner even though they were sabotaging themselves for what was happening.

part of the problem is that people extract a great deal of their understanding of relationships from early interactions in the formative years, like... from when they were young teenagers. people change a great deal after those stages but if someone is still seeing the opposite sex through the filter of how people acted at that age it's going to be problematic.

That's certainly true. Many people act like jerks by default when they're adolescents/teenagers even though they often change and become nice(or nicer) in their 20s and beyond.

Sounds like a few of my exes were like to me esspecially my abusive ex fiance funny thing well not so funny anyway I asked her if she hates me she replied no she just cant stand me.

well, this aspie guy is doing better with women. Im not saying at an ''alpha male'' level nor do I think I ever be or care to be.
I just talk to them. only thing I do different is that I don't talk much about adam sandler or family guy any more ( I do a little bit,but not nearly as much) and Im not just talking only to 19-21 year old women either, Im am talking to more older women now too.

I just go up and talk to them. I have no idea about ''game'' or ''confidence'' or ''body language''.
I just speak to them, that it. just say ''hey how you doing'' ''what are you into''' ''I have a bed,let's share it (lol, kidding about last one)''. Im same eccentric guys I always been.

the trick is not to treat other people badly just because you expect to be treated that way. it will help to break the cycle.

I have realised now, after learning about aspergers as my son is being evaluated for it, that my ex-husband (the boy's father) has a lot of asperger traits.

If I had known he might have aspergers, then maybe we would still be together today, but in the end his "selfcentered attitude and lack of empathy" got to me.
He never seemed to notice if I was angry or sad, he never wanted to talk to me about things that interest me, etc. It went so far that when I got post natal depression with our second child he just ignored it completely and if it wasn't for my mom stepping in I might have killed myself.


So, my point is, it's essential that NT women, like me, know and get the opportunity to learn a bit about aspergers so we can adapt a bit and that men with aspergers also try to understand that their women MIGHT HAVE FEELINGS!! !! hehe

The reminder I keep getting is that relationships and finding them are half luck with other people and half luck with yourself. Its the later that I feel like I'm missing more often.

Yes Alexmom, your last paragraph rings true. I have a male friend who I believe has Aspergers and have read as much information as possible to understand him and his limitations. The thing is I am in love with this man but feel I am constantly hitting a brick wall with his resistance. I believe the answer lies in communication and compromise but I am afraid we both are not totally honest with each other and would like to see more truth between us.

Ouch... this one rings so true for me... except I'm almost the ex-husband in your scenario, the only difference was I doted on my kids! By the time I knew what Aspergers was or what I was doing wrong, I'd already lost her... she wasn't gone yet, but she no longer loved me and there was nothing I could do to regain it. I didn't realize the extent of how much time I was spending in my own special interest instead of obsessing over her, which she needed.

Once I learned about it, I tried to tell her about it... she refused to believe such a thing even existed until our oldest child displayed the same symptoms even greater than mine. I think she understands a little better now - that I wasn't ignoring her on purpose or out of negativity... not that it matters now. Less bad blood at least. [shrug]

We Aspies gotta' be careful not to go overboard on our little obsessions... most people in the dating pool won't be nearly as interested in them as we are ourselves!

Hewy... if you are afraid of total honesty between someone, what does that tell you exactly? I think I could offer the same question for your Aspie friend. I hope he realizes soon that his real truth comes from what he feels and not from his thoughts.

This is so sad to me. It is a shame there is not more info out there. to be honest WP is the only place I have found useful information and it has made such a difference in my life with my son and my BF. I am not perfect either and our new communication has allowed for them to point out areas where I could do things differently without being offensive our hurtful. Those of you who are AS, will always be AS just as I will always be NT and we will all slip into our comfort zones from time to time. Such as... he gets obsorbed in his photography and studying techniques for that and edits and I get feeling neglected at times. Sometimes I just really need attention and sometimes he just really needs to escape into his own world. I have had to learn first of all to assess how stressful things have been and weather he needs this time to unwind or if he has been going at it for several days I feel justified in asking for attention. If he still needs time with the photography I know I will not get his undivided attention and I let him go back to it... but at that point he is aware I have a need too and when he gets himself to a good place he makes it a point to give me what I need too. It sounds easy but it isn't. As much as I know he needs his time I get my feelings hurt because at times he seems to not notice or care I exist and I am an emotional thinker. But after being foolish and feeling down I do make it a point to talk to him and he makes it a point to reassure me. It is important when chosing a partner that both people are willing to put their needs aside and take care of the other person for a bit. Bluemax I totally see how your ex wife could be hurt by your behavior. My BF also will stop everything for our daughter but I use to feel that if he did that for her and then ignored me it was because I didn't matter to him. It is one of those things that we NT "read into" a situation. If she could have actually said that to you I bet it would have made a difference for you both. We talk about things A LOT... more when I first started trying to figure this all out and now when there are situations I don't understand. We never need to say because you are AS or because I am NT.. It is just you and me.. what you need or want what I need or want. As an emotional thinker it helps me to know 1. Why things are going a particular way 2. That I can ask about things I need clarification on and 3. I can ask for what I need and he will make an honest effort to give it to me