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Deinonychus
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16 Jan 2013, 9:27 pm

J-Greens wrote:
Perhaps looking at her criteria of her dates (unless she says yes to every proposal - and if she does, I'll thank her for being one of the decent ones) would show what she may be after.

What do you mean? Are people who choose not to go on a date with somebody they're not interested in indecent?



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17 Jan 2013, 3:33 am

Better alone and picky than in a non-working relationship. Even if there is no abuse, it's still a soul-sucking experience and it stops you from looking out there and finding someone who actually works for you (if they exist, which for me they don't).


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17 Jan 2013, 3:36 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
BanjoGirl wrote:
When people are in long term relationships, they are investing YEARS of their life there. All of us need to be picky! We need fulfilling relationships, not frustrating ones. I don't want a man that is with me only because he doesn't want to be alone.


But we are not immortal.

Pickiness must has limits too.


Why?
(Yes, I know, because it makes it harder in the end to get a partner. But why is getting a partner the be all and end all in life?)



Who said it's all and end all bla bla?



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17 Jan 2013, 3:40 am

J-Greens wrote:
From what little I have read it seems the OP is looking more for a fix to that (supposed) initial boost of adrenaline before a first date and less about the actual date. Perhaps looking at her criteria of her dates (unless she says yes to every proposal - and if she does, I'll thank her for being one of the decent ones) would show what she may be after.



LOL gimme a break! No young woman on okcupid can afford the time to say yes to EVERY proposal and go for it; she has to work, eat, pee and poop too :lol:, it's practically impossible. Besides she wouldn't call herself picky if she says yes to every proposal; and that would be sick not decent really.



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17 Jan 2013, 4:03 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
BanjoGirl wrote:
When people are in long term relationships, they are investing YEARS of their life there. All of us need to be picky! We need fulfilling relationships, not frustrating ones. I don't want a man that is with me only because he doesn't want to be alone.


But we are not immortal.

Pickiness must has limits too.


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17 Jan 2013, 4:11 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
BanjoGirl wrote:
When people are in long term relationships, they are investing YEARS of their life there. All of us need to be picky! We need fulfilling relationships, not frustrating ones. I don't want a man that is with me only because he doesn't want to be alone.


But we are not immortal.




Pickiness must has limits too.



Yea, it must, that if you really want a relationship, i didn't say it's the end of the word if one doesn't; that was more directed to the OP.


An ultimate infinite pickiness would lead to no relationship for sure.



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17 Jan 2013, 4:18 am

ruckus wrote:
What do you mean? Are people who choose not to go on a date with somebody they're not interested in indecent?


You can't read a book from it's cover.



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17 Jan 2013, 6:36 am

It depends what you mean by picky

Is it picky re looks or picky re personality?

You have to learn to compromise on both in my opinion and also, bad experiences with people are also invaluable
learning experiences so it's not good to wait for the perfect person in that respect as each person teaches you something new,
even if it's just to avoid their type in the future.

Gaining experience of how to cope with different types of people is important, so that if your perfect match does come along, you have the necessary interpersonal skills to recognise them as a good match and hold on to them.



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17 Jan 2013, 6:59 am

nessa238 wrote:
It depends what you mean by picky

Is it picky re looks or picky re personality?

You have to learn to compromise on both in my opinion and also, bad experiences with people are also invaluable



Does it really matter? Whether it 's re looks or personality or re....anything else, one shouldn't be perfectionist regarding any criteria; otherwise one would guarantee to not have a relationship in the whole lifetime.



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17 Jan 2013, 7:04 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
It depends what you mean by picky

Is it picky re looks or picky re personality?

You have to learn to compromise on both in my opinion and also, bad experiences with people are also invaluable



Does it really matter? Whether it 's re looks or personality or re....anything else, one shouldn't be perfectionist regarding any criteria; otherwise one would guarantee to not have a relationship in the whole lifetime.


I wanted to know so it mattered to me lol



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17 Jan 2013, 5:57 pm

nessa238 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
It depends what you mean by picky

Is it picky re looks or picky re personality?

You have to learn to compromise on both in my opinion and also, bad experiences with people are also invaluable



Does it really matter? Whether it 's re looks or personality or re....anything else, one shouldn't be perfectionist regarding any criteria; otherwise one would guarantee to not have a relationship in the whole lifetime.


I wanted to know so it mattered to me lol

Hehe.

Well, I'm probably picky in many ways, but not in a "seeking perfection" kind of way. More a "seeking mutual attraction" kind of way. I'm not really sure how to go into a second or third date with enthusiasm and an open mind, when my lack of interest is a stronger element. I.e., how does one turn a lack of interest into optimism that interest will come in time?



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17 Jan 2013, 6:21 pm

I tried it, it doesn't work :( there needs to be more than just some kind of attraction.



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17 Jan 2013, 6:25 pm

Maybe online dating isn't as good an avenue for your as you think? There might be fewer opportunities to meet people in person, but at least if you're meeting face to face off the bat, the "spark" you're looking for should be apparent sooner than it would be when meeting somebody online. After all the messages exchanged and expectations built up it's possible you're getting your hopes too high initially, and that first meeting feels underwhelming. If you become aware of a person for the first time by meeting them by chance at say, a party, there are no pretenses to work from, and things may be able to develop more naturally.

I think for me personally, meeting people in a really positive environment helps. When I look back on my friendships and relationships, the best ones seem to be shaped in a big way by how we first came to know each other. The people I met while we were both studying art for the first time and thus all equally excited and passionate about our ideas, the people I met while watching our favourite bands perform, and the best relationship I've ever had kicked off after we met while camping on a beach with friends (we had our first kiss on the beach under the stars, it was all very romantic). The worst relationship (and my first, I was young and stupid) was with a guy I met online. Our first date was lackluster at best (we went to Kmart because he suddenly remembered he needed to buy an extension cord) but I persisted because I didn't know any better. The majority of my online dates lately have been similar, though I know myself well enough now to know when to cut things off.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for some people, the way you start a relationship (romantic or otherwise) might affect how it develops from then on. Plenty of people find success through online dating, but depending on your personality perhaps starting in a neutral environment (an online dating profile), only to meet up in a second neutral environment (a coffee shop to "test the waters") is only setting yourself up to be underwhelmed. I'm rambling a bit now, but this is a thought I had, so I thought I'd share it!



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17 Jan 2013, 6:55 pm

ruckus wrote:
Maybe online dating isn't as good an avenue for your as you think? There might be fewer opportunities to meet people in person, but at least if you're meeting face to face off the bat, the "spark" you're looking for should be apparent sooner than it would be when meeting somebody online. After all the messages exchanged and expectations built up it's possible you're getting your hopes too high initially, and that first meeting feels underwhelming. If you become aware of a person for the first time by meeting them by chance at say, a party, there are no pretenses to work from, and things may be able to develop more naturally.

I think for me personally, meeting people in a really positive environment helps. When I look back on my friendships and relationships, the best ones seem to be shaped in a big way by how we first came to know each other. The people I met while we were both studying art for the first time and thus all equally excited and passionate about our ideas, the people I met while watching our favourite bands perform, and the best relationship I've ever had kicked off after we met while camping on a beach with friends (we had our first kiss on the beach under the stars, it was all very romantic). The worst relationship (and my first, I was young and stupid) was with a guy I met online. Our first date was lackluster at best (we went to Kmart because he suddenly remembered he needed to buy an extension cord) but I persisted because I didn't know any better. The majority of my online dates lately have been similar, though I know myself well enough now to know when to cut things off.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for some people, the way you start a relationship (romantic or otherwise) might affect how it develops from then on. Plenty of people find success through online dating, but depending on your personality perhaps starting in a neutral environment (an online dating profile), only to meet up in a second neutral environment (a coffee shop to "test the waters") is only setting yourself up to be underwhelmed. I'm rambling a bit now, but this is a thought I had, so I thought I'd share it!

Interesting. Very interesting.

I almost never meet people in the "real world" so going with that avenue certainly makes it harder to even get a date, but I see what you mean about coming across that "spark" incidentally. It's just that these days you will rarely find me at a party, bar, etc. and unless I'm drinking, I think I'm fairly unapproachable (and I'm shy), so things just don't take off for me.

I don't have high hopes even for the first dates using online dating (maybe that's actually part of the problem?), and I try to meet up as quickly as possible, before I find out too much about them. I think my attitude is probably wrong though, because it's more of a "let's meet quickly cos we might not get along and we don't want to waste each other's time" attitude, rather than a "you seem great from what little I know so far, I can't wait to get to know you better in person!" attitude.



ruckus
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17 Jan 2013, 7:06 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
Interesting. Very interesting.

I almost never meet people in the "real world" so going with that avenue certainly makes it harder to even get a date, but I see what you mean about coming across that "spark" incidentally. It's just that these days you will rarely find me at a party, bar, etc. and unless I'm drinking, I think I'm fairly unapproachable (and I'm shy), so things just don't take off for me.

I don't have high hopes even for the first dates using online dating (maybe that's actually part of the problem?), and I try to meet up as quickly as possible, before I find out too much about them. I think my attitude is probably wrong though, because it's more of a "let's meet quickly cos we might not get along and we don't want to waste each other's time" attitude, rather than a "you seem great from what little I know so far, I can't wait to get to know you better in person!" attitude.

I'd say that's pretty much definitely a part of the problem! Maybe not the entire problem, but part of starting things off in a positive environment is having the positive attitude to go with it. Have you ever seen a profile that actually gets you excited?



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17 Jan 2013, 8:51 pm

ruckus wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Interesting. Very interesting.

I almost never meet people in the "real world" so going with that avenue certainly makes it harder to even get a date, but I see what you mean about coming across that "spark" incidentally. It's just that these days you will rarely find me at a party, bar, etc. and unless I'm drinking, I think I'm fairly unapproachable (and I'm shy), so things just don't take off for me.

I don't have high hopes even for the first dates using online dating (maybe that's actually part of the problem?), and I try to meet up as quickly as possible, before I find out too much about them. I think my attitude is probably wrong though, because it's more of a "let's meet quickly cos we might not get along and we don't want to waste each other's time" attitude, rather than a "you seem great from what little I know so far, I can't wait to get to know you better in person!" attitude.

I'd say that's pretty much definitely a part of the problem! Maybe not the entire problem, but part of starting things off in a positive environment is having the positive attitude to go with it. Have you ever seen a profile that actually gets you excited?

I don't really get excited about things, so no, but I won't meet someone unless I feel there is potential. I am of course hoping that we do get along, then we can go quickly from online messages to real life interactions, but the main reason for meeting quickly is not due to my excitement about it all. Before a date I would probably describe myself as "hopeful, realistic, and calm". Do you think I should perhaps try to turn that more into "highly hopeful, optimistic and excited"? Not sure how I would go about changing my attitude.