Why do some people play games?

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Stalk
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30 Mar 2013, 2:25 pm

Frieslander wrote:
We were emailing quite a bit after meeting the first time, though. So, I think she liked me quite a bit, too.


some women don't like it if you do not give them a grace period to answer. I don't know what this is, but if you answer too quickly then they lose interest, because they get scared of you. it seems you can't recover from this situation and best to move on :x (unless of course if you are a dating expert, pick-up-artist)



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30 Mar 2013, 7:07 pm

aspiesandra27 wrote:
I agree with Ilovemyaspie. I have learned to do it too. If I was to be myself, I would just blurt out the truth. So, if we had been having an engaging time online, and then I met the person, and the chemistry wasn't there (not forgetting I have a ton of sensory issues, so it could be something like his smell not being right) I would ask a NT friend how to gently let him down. The truth would be cruel and not necessary (even though it would be honest).

There's nothing cruel or unnecessary about saying, "I don't think we're quite right for each other, but thank you for the date - I had a good time."



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30 Mar 2013, 7:19 pm

Frieslander wrote:
I'm getting all kinds of advice here; I don't know whose to take.


I'll assume you went on the dating site to find someone to enjoy yourself with. You aren't enjoying yourself right now, you have all this uncertianty to deal with.

Not being wanted is a bitter pill to swallow, but the sooner you move on, the sooner you'll see better days.


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infilove
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30 Mar 2013, 9:29 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
There is no game being played here. She's just not interested in you.


Yeah I agree with this guy. Often when people feel like that person isn't the one, the will make an excuse to try to end it without hard feelings.


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30 Mar 2013, 9:32 pm

Frieslander wrote:
I'm getting all kinds of advice here; I don't know whose to take.

She's not interested in you.

Get over her and find someone else.



theshawngorton
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30 Mar 2013, 9:43 pm

NT women tend to lie and play games. It's the tool of their trades. They use it so they can get into your head and make your their plaything. I don't know if that's been said, but it's true.



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30 Mar 2013, 9:44 pm

Joining the chorus of "she's just not that into you".

I'm a female Aspie, and have used similar excuses to extricate myself from potential or existing relationships (based on advice from NT female friends). It seemed a bit counter-intuitive to me at first, too, but women are socialised to believe that men have fragile egos and need to be let down as gently as possible - Google tips on how to break up with a guy and you'll see what I mean. We're taught not to tell guys that we're not interested in them; we turn the problem around and make it about us - we're the ones with emotional issues, we're the ones who are too busy, we're the bad guys. You, the man in the equation, are awesome and amazing, and we're setting you free to find better options. That's the 'logic' behind it.

I know it can seem like playing games to you, but when a woman uses excuses like this, she's not looking to be waited for or chased. It's a coded message. She's trying to get away, and you not recognising that will most likely frustrate her. So leave her be and move on, that's my advice.


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30 Mar 2013, 9:49 pm

auxetoiless wrote:
Joining the chorus of "she's just not that into you".

I'm a female Aspie, and have used similar excuses to extricate myself from potential or existing relationships (based on advice from NT female friends). It seemed a bit counter-intuitive to me at first, too, but women are socialised to believe that men have fragile egos and need to be let down as gently as possible - Google tips on how to break up with a guy and you'll see what I mean. We're taught not to tell guys that we're not interested in them; we turn the problem around and make it about us - we're the ones with emotional issues, we're the ones who are too busy, we're the bad guys. You, the man in the equation, are awesome and amazing, and we're setting you free to find better options. That's the 'logic' behind it.

I know it can seem like playing games to you, but when a woman uses excuses like this, she's not looking to be waited for or chased. It's a coded message. She's trying to get away, and you not recognising that will most likely frustrate her. So leave her be and move on, that's my advice.


Is that all very unnecessary? Why is it like that?



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30 Mar 2013, 10:27 pm

uwmonkdm wrote:
Frieslander wrote:
I'm getting all kinds of advice here; I don't know whose to take.


She's not interested.
If someone is interested, they make the effort to spend time with you. PERIOD.
If she's like, the CEO of an international company, and her parents are dying in the hospital, and her kids are constantly getting arrested.. maybe then she'd literally have "no time" for you.
She is prioritizing her time, and you have not met those priorities. Move on.


Agreed. If she's not making time for him she's not making time for anyone, so..... why on earth is she dating exactly? Other than to tell people they're not worth 5 minutes of her time?

Having no time is a nice gentle let down in theory, but she should have had the integrity to realise she had none before she even met anyone.



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30 Mar 2013, 10:45 pm

theshawngorton wrote:
NT women tend to lie and play games. It's the tool of their trades. They use it so they can get into your head and make your their plaything. I don't know if that's been said, but it's true.


Please don't start this. All women can lie and play games. A lot of us NT women do not have time for such nonsense."Tools of their trades."......smh.....



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30 Mar 2013, 11:05 pm

auxetoiless wrote:
I know it can seem like playing games to you, but when a woman uses excuses like this, she's not looking to be waited for or chased. It's a coded message. She's trying to get away, and you not recognising that will most likely frustrate her. So leave her be and move on, that's my advice.


I've never bought the "I wanted to let him/her down easy" response. I personally believe it has a whole lot more to do with wanting to avoid the unpleasantness of having to reject someone than mitigating the unpleasantness for the other person....

...the quiet irony here is that you probably end up doing more damage in most cases with drawn out uncertainty then you do with quick and certain rejection, and this fact is probably far more obvious to people than they'd admit.



Last edited by Shau on 30 Mar 2013, 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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30 Mar 2013, 11:07 pm

theshawngorton wrote:
NT women tend to lie and play games. It's the tool of their trades. They use it so they can get into your head and make your their plaything. I don't know if that's been said, but it's true.

I'm already tired of all of the "Entiephobia" on WP - your sexist version of it in particular, and I think that this is the first time I've ever even noticed you!

Lousy first impression there, kid.

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IlovemyAspie wrote:
Please don't start this ... "Tools of their trades."......smh.....

Seconded.

Quote:
All women can lie and play games.

All MEN can, too. Especially when we're trying to back-pedal and justify ourselves for being jerks to women.



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30 Mar 2013, 11:43 pm

theshawngorton wrote:

Is that all very unnecessary? Why is it like that?


I can tell you right now that it isn't worth it to think about it and not assume that all people you meet are like that, let alone women.

Quote:
NT women tend to lie and play games. It's the tool of their trades. They use it so they can get into your head and make your their plaything. I don't know if that's been said, but it's true.


NT women? Are you sure about that? I have to ask where that came from? The only ones that I know that like to get into mind games are people who want attention or control over another person or a situation that they are in. It's called manipulation

And Shau... I kind of agree with your statement. I find people are too afraid to reject people and worse: people can't handle the rejection. And the worst thing as I pointed out here in the forum that when I rejected someone rather bluntly about 5 weeks ago, a friend in my group actually told me I was too mean in my rejection. The majority of people on this forum that replied supported me for how I handled myself in rejecting someone.



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31 Mar 2013, 6:07 am

Her rejection puts you in a tail-spin. chasing your own tail while she can make a clean getaway without having to take any responsibility in explaining herself. Since she has the right not to participate in the conversation. She doesn't have tell you why and she doesn't have to tell you how to fix yourself. I know people will tell you to be yourself, but you also learn so you change and it becomes part of being yourself :D



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31 Mar 2013, 6:22 am

moderator note: do NOT use this thread as an excuse to make sexist remarks about NT women, or women in general. this thread is not a playground for you to speculate about women and game-playing. i have removed several posts already, but the most recent one by theshawngorton had to be left in place even though it was unacceptable as it was quoted by other members.

the thread has been left open because Frieslander made it clear that (in spite of the slightly sexist title) he did not mean to imply that women play games whereas men do not. he was genuinely seeking advice and didn't want to rant against NT women or anything, so please don't let the thread go down that track. thank you.


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31 Mar 2013, 6:34 am

^ He posted it with the initial negative [and false] presumption that the woman in question was playing games though. He just changed his tune when the responses didn't validate his perception.