Aspie Burnout- how best to be supportive?

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Asking him is not stressful. If he knows the answer, then he can tell you. If he doesn't, then he can always say "I don't know."

I'm seeing a lot of assumptions in your last posts.... I suppose it is from your current headspace.

In the meantime, please feel free to do whatever works to distract yourself. Sometimes kids movies are the best thing ever for that.

You are right. I do make a lot of assumptions. My entire life I have been incredibly intuitive. I simply pick up on small subtleties that most people don't. I am good at it... Except now. For the first time ever I have absolutely no clue. I do believe when he said he wanted this and wanted it to work out. And he was the one who asked to not close the door on us and just seperate... I didn't guilt him into that or anything. When he said it all I felt confident he was sincere. When I got upset about the bed he was very sincere. But then i start to question it all.

To think of this ending is not as overwhelming as it was to start. At first I had no clue so o felt blindsided. Now it hurts a lot but I have had weeks to deal with it.

I wish he had left right away. This pending doom looming over my head is what I think may be making me crazy. I jump all over the place emotionally. I think I will ask tonight if the apartment gave him a move in date. And when that discussion is over I will ask.... Did you still want to seperate or do you want to make a clean break and end it?

In some ways I don't think it is fair... And it is painful that I am supposed to sit here and wait for him to decide if I am good enough to be wanted. If I didn't truly believe that this was a deeper conflict based on the information I have gathered here and his seeming sincerity about it being everything I would not wait.

I guess it communicating here it has really helped ne to sort out in my own head why I get so upset over this.

Most of the day I am calm and enjoy the rest of my life.. my kids.. friends. I can't really focus on movies my mind goes blank. I think my daughter watches Lorax every night and there are still parts that I wonder why I never "saw" before. I get waves of sadness that he will be gone. Those are the hardest because this is the life I wanted. Then I get angry "you are going to walk away from this because you would rather not have the responsibility... Just walk away like it is a choice. What if I walked away too? Should we just leave her on the street to fend for hwr self" one moment I want to tell him to go. The next I want to beg him to stay. And I know that not one of my feelings is really totally how I feel so I say nothing. I am nice. And I wait.

Lori, I don't know if this is your case, but perhaps it can be helpful.

There's is something that's not very known, since most of studies about AS are oriented to kids. Some aspergers have some big burnout around 40.

I quote from a book:

I have been through it. It has taken to me 3-4 years to recover. Indeed, I concluded that I had asperger trying to solve it, since I coudn't understand what was happening to me.

This is not because of you. This is just that having asperger means that some things that for NTs are relaxing, for us, they're not. So if you are the kind of person that always want to give the best of you, you keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing, until you body can't deal with it anymore. That uses to happen around middle age.

As said, this is not because of you. This is not psychological. This is just purely physical exhaustion of his body being in full 'alert' mode 24/7 during last 20-30 years.

Can you recover from it? Yes. But it takes time. It's not about recovering psychologically, but physically. Your body can't deal with being continously stressed 24/7 anymore. That's all.

I overcome it with some isolation, some gym, antidepressants and a low sugar diet (you crave for more and more sugar and coffee to keep you body in 'alert' mode). And of course, taking things easy.

Think on it as a person running a marathon. After 40 km, when he stops, for a while he can't even move until he recovers. Life can be a marathon for aspergers.

He needs to know what it's happening to him, because this can be a very scary experience if you don't understand it. You just feel scared and think: 'what happens with me? I have to change something, I have to get out of here'. Don't let him to throw away his life, because he doesn't need to. He just needs to recover, as any marathon man after a very long run.

He will be 45 in September. His job doesn't seem to be suffering.. he works from home.. although to say he hates it is an understatement. His photography is not suffering and is really taking off. Each photo is more amazing than the last I just feel in my gut that something big will happen for him. I wonder if this situation you are talking about happens in areas of an Aspie persons life. Like there are different degress of AS maybe this has different degrees as well??

He has said from day one of us dating how he always wanted a family. Also how awful all of his other relationships were. He is very sweet and loving and at first I didn't understand how others could be so mean to him. Then about 6-8 months in I could totally see why. It is little things and when you put in a woman who is not direct and a man who doesn't pick up on hints... well I can see where the others misread things. I myself did before I knew he was Aspie.. but I am just not a confrintational person so I never was mean.. I was just silently furstrated.. I loved him too much to be hurtful so I just kept working at it until I discovered the AS.. Then it was like OOHHHH! I changed my approach and things became wonderful.

The most difficult part for me to grasp is that there were not problems in the relationship. Not just from my point of view, but he has said he doesn't understand why he doesn't feel what he wants to because this is exactly how he wants things to be in a relationship. It is confusing to me.. I know it is for him too.

This is a new thought for me but I am now wondering.. maybe his photography career is his highest focus.. obsession?? It is hard to call a career move an obsession.. but with the Aspie mind??? Well maybe it can be both for him... I do understand that from a logical perspective though not an emotional one for me. I am still working on seperating my logic and my feelings. I saw him go from a man who would drop everything for his daughter.. a practice I tried to gently guide against because she had become very demanding with him... to a man who started getting grumpy when she would try for his attention (never mean) and he seemed frustrated. I redirected her for a bit then talked to him about how he needed to make a little time for her because she was confused. He did understand and made efforts but of course he was not like before. I know he loves her. It has just made me wonder if he can't do what I do and have compartments in his life.. hobbies, family, career etc. I wonder if he is so obsessed with his photography choice that there is no place in his head/heart/life for the rest of us. If that is the way his mind works there is nothing I can do about that. It is not like I can force him to focus on other things.

So in the mean time... Not to be selfish here, but what about me? Lets say that this is correct and his photography is his obsession. As it is also a career move it is not like I feel I can try to redirect that. His current job is depressing to him and he doesn't make a liveable wage. His photography talent is something he has potential to be wildly successful with. He has the talent and the drive and I wouldn't want to try to take that away even if I could. But sitting on the sidelines and hoping he will want me again is damaging to my heart. I miss him so much and he is still in the house... but the way we were before was amazing. 3 1/2 years into it I still couldn't wait to get home from work to see him. Weekends were like vacations every week. Despite no money we went out as a family and went hiking or took our daughter to the park and it just filled me with happiness. How do I wait 3 years, 5 years a lifetime in hopes that it comes back. I understand he has to deal with his life the way he is "programed" but I love being in a relationship. I don't want to be single. I don't just want any old person to fill a spot.. but I love having a man in my life.. waking up with someone.. giong to bed with someone.

If someone told me that I would have a definite answer in a year.. or two years.. I could easily focus on my life as is and wait it out. It would be worth it. But there is no one who can tell me that. I don't want to waste the life I have in hopes something will turn around.

Also, the two relationships I have been the most complete and happiest in were with Aspies. I like the quirky stuff and the flat honesty. I think I am just naturally drawn to them. Being more aware of things going in might be helpful.. but is there any hope of a lifetime successful relationship AS/NT. Or should I just go into it assuming each one is temporary?

Perhaps taking photographs is relaxing for him, and this is why is not suffering. Or perhapsh is not what I said: not every situation applies to everybody.

Anyway, if I'm right (I can or I can't) and he needs time to recover, for you the issue is having some guarantees. Uncertitude is a very hard thing to life with.

The only person that can give you guarantees is him. No matter what we say here on internet, the only thing that matters is what he says to you.

As an asperger, he'll be likely to be quite honest. Even brutally (and hurtly) honest. This is a good thing, but not always: if he feels lost, he won't be able to reassure you. I can perfectly understand this: if I don't know what's happening to me, why I feel this way, how I'm gonna feel in the future, I wouldn't be able to give any guarantees. It's not that I don't care, it's that giving guarantees when you feel lost is simply... wrong. Yeap, I know about white lies, but this would be simply wrong. It's a feeling that comes from within, stronger than me. And I think it's a very similar feeling for many aspies.

So, if you want guarantees (and you need them), the most important thing is that he knows what's happening to him. Some professional help, perhaps?. And I don't say to fully recover, but to know what's happening and what he must do. Once you know where you are and which is the path in front of you, then, no matter there's still road to walk, you can give another person guarantees, because then you know where you are and where you're going. And then, it's just keep walking this road. Then, giving another person safety and guarantees and saying "I'll be with you at the end of this road" is not wrong anymore, because then you know where this road leads. And that's what you need.

I love this site because it gives me insight to a different way of processing. After your last post something sort of clicked.. who knows if it is right or wrong but it makes sense to me when nothing else really has. As it is an AS tendency to focus soley on one thing at a time and "obsess" I realized that all he wanted was a loving family and he focused on that 110%. It was wonderfrul. As he took his photography from "thinking about maybe a career" to persuing it we became less and less important.. maybe not the right word but he had the family now the focus was on something else. Even when we did family things he didn't "participate" he had a camera in front of his face the whole time. I didn't notice so much because he would share the pictures with me and ask my opinion.. It was not like he quit speaking or anything and it was a slow process. At home he would research and study styles and edits and he became better and better daily.

Although this needs much editing and tweeking on my part I am in the middle of writing him a letter. I don't know if I can speak it withough crying. I don't know if I will give it to him or manage to speak it. I don't know much at the moment lol.. but this is a piece of it.

"I tried putting aside trying to figure out what I was feeling and tried to figure out how it can be that you say this is exactly the life you want but you don’t feel the way you think you should and you can’t figure out why because you want to feel it. I tried to sort out… If this family is what you want then what is keeping you from being happy with it? I feel that although there are a lot of things going on in your life the two major things are your family and your photography. I have watched over the last two years as you took it from an idea you considered persuing to emersing yourself completely in it.. always shooting, learning, researching, practicing. I have watched the positive outcome of that emersion. You went from a great photographer to mind blowing. I have also watched as you did that you were less and less envolved with the family. Having little time in the evening because you needed to obtain more knowledge to fuel your passion for photography and fine tune your skills. Outings were not about spending time together but opportunity to practice. It was not important to focus on family life because you had that and photography is the goal you were trying to achieve so your focus was on that. At first I didn’t understand how that could push us away because I feel I have been nothing but supportive and encouraging. I have never tried to stop anything you are doing to reach your dreams. But I just think one has nothing to do with the other. I have just started to feel that right now there is no place for our family in your life. You only have the ability to focus on the photography and getting that were you want it. I don’t think it is a choice you have made I think it is just fact. You emerse yourself completely in what you are passionate about. You did that with our relationship in the beginning because it was what you wanted. Right now what you want most is photography. I don’t think you made a choice. I just think it is the way you work."

I follow with how he needs to set the move out date because this "pending life changing event" is looming over my head and I don't know when it will fall and that is stressful. I also asked that he consider what he really wants. To not close the door on our relationship right now... or to be completely free to persue what he wants and if feelings change down the road we can address where we are both at.

Honestly at the moment I don't know which will be eaiser on me. If I am correct about the photography.. He will not leave and a month later decide he wants to be back. It could take years for him to miss what he had if he ever does. At the moment I think I would take him back years later... but I know I don't want to spend years "on hold" for a maybe.

As for brutal honesty. I have told him 100 times how I find it much easier to deal with the truth even when it is not good than to speculate. It is one of the Aspie traits I like most.

I also hope that maybe if I am right about the photography that it will clear up some things for him as well. Maybe something he had not considered. I don't expect this to fix things. At this point I know it will progress to the planned move out. Just I guess I hope if he realizes the reasons for his feelings it will help as he works through them

Some points. I say it from my point of view, so I can be wrong. Sharing asperger doesn't mean sharing behaviours, but perhaps it can be a useful insight for you.

# Being confussed is more about needing answers that support. Aspie psychology is different, the usual psychology doesn't apply in many cases, and the only way to get answers is by trial and error.

# Whe I feel confused, I isolate (I think it's his case too). It's not that human relations doesn't count. It's that dealing with things (like photography) is much more easier than dealing with people.

Is he highly demanding of himself?. I am, and I know how this combines with asperger: you need to be the perfect partner, the perfect host, the perfect friend, in his case, the perfect husband and father. And that takes a lot of energy and concentration. When you're in the middle of a burnout, you can't. So you prefer to vanish before being a poor husband or father or partner or friend.

Perhaps it's not that he doesn't care about you. Perhaps he cares too much to feel that he's not good enough for you.

Photography, on the other side, can't be betrayed or failed. It's a refuge. But it's not because you care more about it, but because you care less. When you're in a hard time, it's easier to deal with things you care less.

# Besides that, if you feel in the middle of a burnout, you need to find something that pull you out. He's about the photography, I wrote a book. You just need something... except that you don't really need it, but this is something that takes time to find out. You were just exhausted, not lost. There was nothing to find that you didn't know, but you're not aware of it until you overcome this time. This is what I learnt. It's not about photography (though this is important for him, of course). It's about looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

If I'm right, the more supportive you were, the more he needed to isolate, because he was feeling more and more responsible to you, and he was even more scared of failing you. Perhaps he's looking desesperately for this light at the end of the tunnel, to be able to go back to who he was and not feel that he's failing you.

I wouldn't send that letter that you have written. If I would be him, I would be hurt, because you saying he doesn't love you and doesn't care for you. Perhaps (I don't know, but perhaps) he cares too much to feel that he's only half the man he used to be.

I think that you are still on time.

Don't be supportive as you would be with a NT. Be 'acceptive', show him that you don't need him to be this perfect husband and father to love him.

When you feel lost, you feel scared, and that can lead you to be very obsessive about what you do. I would suggest some days out without a camera. And you should specifically ask for it: "I want to have a day out, or a romantic weekend, just for us, no camera, not even a small one". He needs to remember what was being with you.

#needing answers not support makes sense in our situation.

#he has always gotten quiet when "thinking" and I was fine with it. This time was different I think maybe because it went on so very long... and he started lashing out in anger in situations that would not normally make him angry.. and he is always very kind so speaking angry was very out of character. Also, normally if something did "annoy" him it passed in 5 minutes this time it would go on all day.

#Having came from an awful family and his desire for a good one I am sure he feels some pressure. As he has always been wonderful at it and I tend to express my feelings I told him often what a great man he is and how lucky our daughter is to have such a devoted father. Verbally, email, text, notes in random places. At some point he quit mentioning getting them. I guess it was too much. Also, with all of this he has expressed concern as to how he will affect our daughter and how he doesn't want to do any damage. He suddenly completely shut her out. When I see her needing him and him ignorning her I say "do you have a few minutes for her or should I take her to play" mostly he makes time and it is genuine. I get the feeling this is appreciated from him.

# "If I'm right, the more supportive you were, the more he needed to isolate, because he was feeling more and more responsible to you, and he was even more scared of failing you" After a few weeks of him stuffed as far away from me as possible in the corner of the couch and being really moody I finally got him to speak. He had an opportunity to go shoot in another country but it would cost $1000 to go and we don't have it. I was so excited for the opportunity for him and said we would make it happen. He said NO I will not take from my family. I said I could wait tables again at night for a few months that he is soo good and deserved the opportunity. He said it again. He said if you want to help then you can help me by booking shoots. I sent him an email telling him I would respect that and how much I believed in him and his talent... etc.. ( I see your point here) He ran a special and in a day and a half I got him 6 shoots. I worked hard at it. He actually got angry at me about it. (it was a longer discussion than that) I told him I was out. I would no longer have anything to do with his Photography if this is how he was going to be. I quit. I didn't "like" things on fb didn't ask about shoots etc. He started asking if I saw things (he quit tagging me in them) I said yes.. I liked this or that. In time he asked me to please help him promote again and he was sorry about his attitude. He use to tell me all the details of the shoots and has quit. It is hard not to jump to wrong conclusions though there is no evidence to support something inappropriate.

Since I have quit asking questions he has started telling me more about his shoots. I listen, smile, make appropriate comments but minimal and don't ask questions about it. I am a very affectionate supportive person so turning this off has not been easy. The whole weekend he was gone I didn't text at all. I have been tempted today to just send one "hope you having a good day. It was nice having you home" or something simple. Something "normal" but I don't want to invade his time alone either.

I will hold off on the letter. I figure advice here has to be better than my NT mental rantings lol.

It is so hard to decide what to do and what is best.

Autism Burnout definition:
When you have tolerated NTs for so long, that you just can't take it anymore.

Well. I guess this is my final update. Despite increasing evidence that would lead most to think cheating... I did not look at his cell phone or his computers. I trusted that this was just an AS thing and was willing to let him do what he needed to do. That is until I got a text meant for his makeup artist not me. He will be out by the weekend. Cheating is a behavior so not like him. I am blown away by it. I am sure he was flattered to be hit on as he has always been oblivious to that... But to take it beyond innocent flirting is too much. He says "it is bot that serious" "I don't want to close the door on us" "well I haven't had sex with anyone. It is not like I am sleeping around on you". I told him I was a fool to have trusted him. He replied with he was the fool and I had always been good to him.

This is not an Aspie issue that needs understanding. It is a man being cold and heartless. There was a right way and a wrong way to do this. If he had just ended it and moved on then it would have been fine. He wants to play and keep me on the ropes just in case... As backup. I know he will regret this. She is married. If she will cheat now she will later. Especially when things get rough and he quits having aex with her.

Thank you all for all of your wonderful support. I have grown tremendously as a person from all the knowledge I have received here. I appreciate each and every one of you

I'm very sorry to hear this, Lori.

I think emotional affairs can be just as devastating, if not more so sometimes, than physical ones.

I think you need to pull right back here, regardless if you want him back or not. Personally I would be more inclined not to go back, but I know you have children with this man and that makes the situation much more complicated. It's not the time to decide those thing now, but you do need to pull right back.

Vent away here all you want for your sanity.
*massive hugs and a teddy bear to punch if you want*

Thank you so much. I was hurt and angry and a whole lot of other things. At the moment I am done with him short term. I do feel I could take him back down the road... and that makes me angry. I am too smart for that... But 4 years of a really good relationship and a shared child has my judgement a little foggy. I don't deserve this at all. Even now... I never said anything or did anything vindictive.

Somehow I feel like I win by being the bigger person. I have quit talking. I have no words. We exist under the same roof and when the kids are up it is all bubble gum and sunshine. My son knows the truth... Well that he is moving out bit not the cheating.

I really no longer know how to have a relationship. I know that I was kind and supportive. I was sweet and caring. If that isn't good enough for someone. I surrender. Because it is all I have.

Such a story isn't uncommon, sadly. I know many photographers, musicians and dancers who this happens to - although they are usually in the opposite position to you.

I hope for your sake that he moves out soon... living in such a situation is beyond horrible.
Is there anything you can do to speed it up?

Relationships only work when two people are on the same page. I don't know of too many people where that is 100% the case, very, very few in fact - so I wouldn't blame yourself. This was his decision. Most of us here know how much effort you've put in over the months.

Thank you so much.

I can't get him out before the weekend. His apartment won't be ready before then. I know I could make him leave right now and sleep where ever he can find a place. It is so hard to sit here knowing the end is looming.. knowing he made the choices he did, but I just can't be that way. I wish I could be that girl who goes psycho and throws all his clothes in the street lol. But it is just not me.

I know he is afraid i will not let him see his daughter. But why would I punish her?

He has gone out of his way to be nice. Even packed my lunch. As if somehow that makes this all ok. I asked if he wanted to just end it before i got the text. He said no. That he just had a lot rivalry through but he really wanted us to work out. He could have just ended it and gone on to play however he wanted. I know when the thrill of that greener grass wears off and he confuses her and she gets mad he will want this life back. Had he done.it the right way I could have gotten past it. When this first happened I thought I might be able to get past it. The time I have to suffer through him being here only makes me dislike him more.

It is not so much that he fell for temptation. It is how he chose to deal with it that I don't think I can get past. I am not perfect, and we had stress... But I was always kind and always supportive. Now I am just silent. I know it upsets him. I know he thinks I am plotting some evil revenge. I just don't have words to say that would matter. I am not plotting revenge. I am just blown away. I feel like a fool for being so supportive and kind. Like all of the people who know what he did are laughing at me.

Things will be better next week. A new chapter begins. Still wouldn't mind and Aspie relationship at some point. But for now I think single may ne the way to go.

You can't let yourself think this way. I just got out of a 17 1/2 year relationship with an NT and I felt I was all of the things you mentioned. But just because someone doesn't appreciate those characteristics doesn't mean no one will. It's who you are and you shouldn't change. It's hard because you try to be the best partner you can be and you end up getting the short end of the stick. But trust me there's someone out there AS, NT or whatever that will appreciate you for those qualities. An as you mentioned, maybe you'll revisit this relationship down the line and maybe things will work out. But whatever happens don't change who you are.

All this hope I had that he would buck up to the occasion, and make it work with you, and he was cheating? Ugh, we were hoping so much, how could he do this? You have kids! Ugh, I feel sad now.....