should women hide their feelings?

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Explain why you just shrugged and moved on with such ease if you actually cared.

You seem oblivious to the consequences of the actions you may have caused. Maybe that played a role in why your friend did what he did. You did say he was initially very caring towards you after all.

Now if it was indeed a manipulative game he was playing and he did it for no valid reason, this still doesn't change the fact that you actually didn't get affected at all by his behavior. Now that's understandable if you didn't care and have much interest in him, but you say/imply that you actually did care, and that one I have a hard time believing.

I didn't shrug and move on.

I sense some projection.

So elaborate. How do you feel that there was any game playing or manipulation from your description?

I didn't shrug and move on. How would I have gotten information from him about what was going on if I did?

Question: Were you used to initiate anything with him? And if so how frequent? Once in a week, a month?

Reciprocity in initiating conversation/calls/texting do matter, if it's only one sided the initiator would feel soon enough the other party is not caring back, at all. Even worse, when the usual initiator waits for the other party initiates and this never happens...even for days.

Ok maybe removing you from FB was bit immature and he could test things more subtly, but if the case was like I said then I totally UNDERSTAND HIM and I would be sided with him too.

There's nothing more absurd and frustrating when your supposed gf/date never initiates. There was a girl I dated several times, she never said no to a date/outing and always replied to texts/calls on a daily basis but the problem that she never initiated, at the end I felt I was being too pushy for being the only one who's always initiating all, turned out that no matter how long I waited (even for a whole week including weekend) she never initiated ever and she was being active on fb/whatsapp and all, I mean what if I was sick and dying? She didn't even care to check if I was alive. What kind of interest is that?

It's your actions that show whether you really care for someone or not, not cheap words.

About girls initiating moves: It depends on the guys. I just know one thing: I personally hate the games that people play when they like each other. They say girls must "play hard to get" in order for a guy to be interested. I don't dabble in all of that. When I looked for a partner, and after I express interest I reveal how I'm direct and not into the mind games. The people that I have dated all agreed with me on this. If perhaps I met a guy that played around(ie, not calling for some days in a row to "play hard to get"), I would not be with him and move on. If I like someone and they like me back, I think it should all be direct and clear. If those guys you talked about really lost interest or left because of a silly social rule, then perhaps they weren't worth it.

About girls initiating moves: It depends on the guys.

What I did wasn't a game, I was very verbally direct in my interest, I simply felt being pushy for initiating every time so I gave her space, several times, to initiate but she never did which led me to the obvious conclusion.



What do you mean by that? hm? Why does it depend on guys not on girls lol.

I meant that when the OP was concerned about moving too quick with a guy, some guys like direct girls and some don't(some like the hard-to-get-game). Also some girls like to play the social dating games as well. Some girls actually are attracted to guys who ignore them(like my friend).

This is a so typical excuse of women saying why they don't pursue, they face rejection once and give up forever.

I think this is a good explanation.

Male aspies don't have the same problem, because they are stuck with the unenviable social position of being expected to pursue. We simply hang out & have to figure out what to do when others pursue us. It is confounding. It is problematic. Sometimes, it is even dangerous. I'm not saying it's a cakewalk.

I am the same way & completely identify with what you wrote. If I like somebody, I like them. I'm not confused. I think a lot of females with Asperger's are in the same boat, because we're very observant & know what we want. We're great analyzers, so it's no big mystery to us.

If you like someone & have reasonably good self-esteem, why not just tell the guy? It's the logical thing to do. Plus, he seems confused, & you want to solve the problem & un-confuse him, because it doesn't seem right not to.

HOWEVER, it never goes well.

Disclaimer: (Talking about male NT's here, because I never had the luxury of dating an aspie. )

In fact, it doesn't matter how evolved a guy seems or how intelligent he is. It doesn't matter if he's asked you out already or brought you chocolates. If you admit you like him too fast, you are toast. He doesn't think, "Wow! This girl is such a genius that she assessed my strengths & weaknesses superfast & sees how awesome I am." Most people don't assess quickly, so he probably thinks there is no way you know what you think of him that quickly. His first thought will probably be that you are desperate & like him because you can't get anyone else.

On the other hand, the guys I have zero interest in go completely nuts for me. It doesn't matter how many times I say no, they will harass & beg for dates. If I finally give in & go on a date to try to be open-minded... it's begging for the next date or to go out... The problem is, it isn't an act. I really don't like them. It's like guys really, really like girls who aren't into them.

That's the conundrum of not playing games.

I'm not saying I haven't had great relationships, but they've almost all been with women. What I like about women is they aren't gamey. & they LOVE to be loved, liked or crushed on. So, you can just say what you think or feel & the biggest danger is they'll want to move in with you too fast! Hope that isn't too much information. But, I think it's interesting that the two genders are so opposite on this.

Personally, I can't stoop to playing the game, because I cannot both play the game and also respect the man. And, why would I love someone I can't respect? It doesn't even make sense. If I have to play reverse psychology to manipulate someone into loving me, I cannot make myself love him. I will always seem him as inferior. So, either I can love him, or he can love me. Or, maybe someday I will find the right person who doesn't play games either... & if it's a man, someone sharp enough to acknowledge my merits without me having to put on some stupid act.

However, if you want to be seen as a good catch, you do have to slowly reveal how you feel- just like the other person said. Here's something to consider as well. Some female aspies may be more quick to commit, because we are more comfortable with definitions, perimeters & rules. Dating is fuzzy, uncomfortable ground & it would be cool to skip to a more relaxed & predictable sort of relationship. It is way less scary, in a way, to just be going out already. For guys, though, I think that part can be the scary part & they have to get their feet wet very, very slowly. It's too much of a shock to jump in like that for most of them. What may be doable for you is to focus on slowing down THAT part. Perhaps think about how slower relationships are healthier... & why it is wise to get to know each other better... You may be able to do this whole thing without lying at all. I know I'm naturally slow to commit & people do seem to seek relationships more aggressively because of it.

However, you have to think about your priorities in life & what you really want. I know I am too proud & can't compromise. Except, I am happy alone. I'm happy either way, so I can take or leave a relationship. There's no question of whether or not to compromise my principles, because even if I could, I don't have to. Also, women are an option for me, so I'm not really stuck on that road.

I don't judge others for playing the game, because of how unsuccessful I've been with men by not playing it! haha I just know it isn't for me.

But what do you believe about human nature? What do you believe about men? What do you find to be true? What does your experience tell you? What is the reality & what is the best you can do with it?

Can you compromise a little or slow down to try to have the kind of relationship you want? Are you able to? Would it damage your self-esteem or relationship with your self if you did?

I have thought a lot about this whole phenomenon.

The usual explanation is a biological one... men have different drives & such, yadda yadda. I'm sure you've heard it. I've done a lot of talking to people trying to figure this out... & I like to think there is another reason. BECAUSE, if I marry someone, I want to marry someone of the same species as me. I don't want to marry someone who is solely driven by biology... like a bull, a dog... a lizard.... I want to be with someone who can think.... a human being, not an animal. I just can't believe that men are incapable of being human! They're human by definition! There is a brain in there, & I have an unshakeable faith that the brain could be utilized instead of this whole mess being solely the result of old primal Cro-Mag type drives. Biology generally makes sense, and this doesn't. It cannot possibly be that no man ever uses logic in this area. I just can't believe it. I know there have to be some male Spock-like creatures out there.

My idea is that biology is an excuse, but not the real reason people act this way. And so, I talked to a lot of NT's... women... men... lots of people really. I just asked why they did this & why they thought other people did. Their answers really didn't have much to do with biology at all, but it always came down to self-esteem & social perceptions, generally worked out on a subconscious level that they didn't even understand until after quite a lot of talking.

I intend no offense if I am wrong, because I know there are exceptions, but this is my working theory. Honestly, I only know one male with Asperger's & would never talk about this kind of thing with him. I'm pretty sure he'd be mortified. I like to think at least some males with Asperger's might show a superior trait here, but I don't know.

It seems to me that the majority of men have very low self-esteem. If you do not provide them with a "chase," then your belief they are worthy of you renders you unworthy to them. They WANT to prove themselves to you, to demonstrate they are worthy of your time. That's why they might talk about a bunch of weird stuff you don't care about, like how much money they make, what kind of car they drive, how important everybody thinks they are at their offices, or that they used to date a model. They very much want you to not like them at first so they can talk about themselves a lot... Then, you like them for something they've achieved perhaps instead of for their personality or character. And, they seem to prefer this. They want you to not like them & go for guys who they think are above them physically, economically, intellectually, etc. so that winning you is this HUGE accomplishment, too. Then, you are more of a prize, maybe. And, then, your presence in his life can be more of a boost to this failing self-esteem he has. (Remember, NT's often get their self-esteem from without instead of within! I don't know why, but they do.)

I had an NT friend... a major extravert... explain to me that I live in a different degree of consciousness than most people do, that there isn't a subconscious in me at all (which is true). I know what I know. I do what I do. I know why I do what I do. He explains it like this... NT's usually have NO idea why they are doing what they are doing or why they feel a certain way... So, they kind of just react to their stimuli by instinct, maybe... not even intuitively, really. They don't even know if or why they like you... But lots of NT guys are interested enough in sex to romance you to some extent either way, just to see what will happen. During this period, you are supposed to get them to subconsciously like you by somehow playing hard to get without completely losing interest in them. Please let me know if you figure that one out! haha

IMPORTANT: If you are physical, there's a double standard, so if you want someone to care about you, please don't go there for a very, very, very long time & make sure there's some kind of commitment. It doesn't matter what someone says. People lie a lot. Just wait!




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As I woman I think, "maybe I shouldn't have tried to step outside the box."