AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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There's nothing wrong about any of this NT or not. Lots of us grew up around tons of screwed up NT/NT relationships, is than any reason we shouldn't love a different NT?

People are fallible, it's all the more reason we should give each other 2nd chances & be forgiving of our loved ones' mistakes.

What you're asking for would only work under the assumption that all autistic people are fully aware of all their symptoms and how they affect other people. In reality not all autistic people are experts on autism and being extremely intuitive about how the symptoms affect other people seems to almost be a bit of a contradiction to actually have said symptoms.
Not being fully aware about how your own traits may negatively affect a relationship is also not limited to autism. A lot of people (some of which are NT) who have a history of badly failed relationships won't tell you that it's their own fault because they screw up relationships with X personality trait. But in a lot of cases that's how it is.

If an autistic person is in their first relationship and the relationship is their 'special interest' they may not know that their obsession might wear off. If it's their 10th relationship and a repeating pattern of obsession and losing interest, sure they should know by now.
Also, not every autistic person has to have the relationship or their partner as a 'special interest' in the beginning or not to a greater extent than NTs do too (albeit no one calls it special interest if it's an NT).

My 1st girlfriend was NT but she had alittle OCD, dyslexia, & major ADHD. We got along really well for the most part. She did NOT have power over me or anything like that. I felt kind of like a parent with her but she was 15 & I was 20 & she had some issues I was trying to help her with. When I was looking for a relationship after we broke up, I was looking for younger women or at least women who weren't much older than me because I was afraid of them being like a parent with me which does happen in some Aspie/NT relationships. I much rather feel like a parent in a relationship than have another mom. I did NOT get along with my own mom & I'm alittle controlling due to OCD(it's alot better now than I'm on a med to treat it). My current girlfriend is maybe on the spectrum too or at least has alot of overlapping issues & her brother was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was a kid. Anyways she has anxiety & depression & pain issues along with other things & I do feel like a parent/caretaker with her at times. I do NOT think it's exploitative thou because we both cant handle living alone for different reasons & she feels like a parent with me sometimes in other situations. We are both much better people with each other. Anyways... I think this is kind of like NT/Aspie relationships. The NT may feel like a parent sometimes but there may be other situations where the Aspie takes on that role or finds other ways to be independent. I don't see it as exploitative as long as neither is manipulating the other, forcing them to do lots of things, & the arrangement works for both of them.

Depression is treatable and even curable and generally not a permanent thing, and it also is not a disability. It can certainly affect a relationship, but a depressed person still has the fundamental building blocks needed for a relationship. Asperger's is not something that is treatable or curable, and there are fundamental things missing that if both parties are not fully aware of, will cause devastating pain. Sure pain can come from other reasons in NT/NT relationships and any relationship can turn bad, but this is different, like with asperger's it's not if but when, like a time bomb. My experience was so devastating that I honestly can say that for me I could never see an AS/NT relationship work out. For those who have been successful, bottle that magic sauce, it's worth a fortune and I'd pay everything I had to get it so I can get my aspie back because I loved him so much. But I still have doubts about the level of satisfaction that would be present in an AS/NT relationship, and what has to be sacrificed, particularly on the part of the NT. I'm not intending to be biased, but it seems more likely that an NT would be more capable of sacrificing their own needs than an aspie would be capable of meeting those needs. I am terribly sad about this.

That's really rubbish, wish I could give advice on how to make it work for you! I'm ND and my husband is supposedly NT but he's worse at communicating and expressing emotions than I am.

Think a lot of it does depend on individual personality too though. Autism affects everyone differently and partners of autistic people will and won't be able to cope with different things.

I am with an NT and he is not 'heavily' educated on aspergers, and sure there are some struggles but over-all we have a good relationship. Though it certainly takes me being self aware of the issues and traits I have, and working on them in an ongoing way. If I had the attitude that autism was a proper excuse for everything and that I dont have to work on or change any behaviors or ways I cope wit things because I'm autistic and everyone else just has to put up with anything I do because 'autism'. Then I do not think my boyfriend would enjoy being with me very much.

What sort of attitude did your aspie ex have, willing to work on things that harm the relationship/bother the other person? Or did he more often use it as an excuse whenever relationship issues were brought to his attention?

He didn't even get far enough to make excuses. He ignored any and all attempts I made to discuss the problems and how painful his behavior was. He just withdrew and would stop contact. He also commented to someone else who told him how hurt I was that it was not his problem to fix. I think many might say that is not necessarily an aspie thing but I think it is. I think he does not realize the effect he has on people and so he doesn't see his responsibility in anything. I do not think he realizes the differences he has that result from asperger's, though he knows textbook-wise he has it and what it means, I don't think he has functional working knowledge or experience and self awareness enough to see any of the effects. He just seemed perfectly fine to terminate the friendship, and that's what he did, despite how much he seemed to care originally. He never cared in reality. That's what I think.

Well I think its more to do with him not knowing how to handle his issues, and not caring to learn or consider how things might effect other people...either that or it sounds like he just didn't care. I'd never be able to withdraw and stop all contact with my boyfriend if he brought a concern up, as I care about him far too much. If its something rather painful to hear I might get a little upset at first but I'd still try and work on whatever the issue is. Plus it would be pretty awkward to stop contact since we live together.

Also if he was the one who caused you to be hurt, then he was wrong about it not being his problem to fix, honestly sounds like he has a denial problem. Its common behavior when one is in denial to shut off any attempts at communication about an issue and even bury it from them-self. So perhaps he was in denial about his behavior negatively effecting other people particularly people close to him.

I think it really depends on the aspie how a relationship with them will work out.

Imhere I think you’ve had a particularly rough ride with your friend . . . The complete lack of right to reply is really tough. I’m in agreement that an Asperger diagnosis means special issues in having a relationship or friendship but in my situation I’m fairly sure it is as difficult for my friend as it is for me. In our last disagreement I was shocked to discover how many things I had done that had really upset him and I had absolutely no idea. I have asked him to tell me in future at the time if I do things that upset him but I’m not sure that he will.

I think the fear of confrontation is real and problematic. It then ends up in exploding in a huge outburst . . . . .i find it strange that in that outburst the strength of feeling suggests to me the friendship is completely over- but he doesn’t think that . . . . He does hurt me more than any of my other friendships have the ability to do- but I know now that it can be painful for him too.

I think it would be sad if you felt that all NT/ND relationships would end the same way . . . .you were obviously attracted to the unique differences and brain power of your Aspie friend . . . .. . In my friendship I had no idea he was an Aspie but he is much more than that.

My aspie friend is so much more than his asperger's. But as soon as we got close he changed. He got cold and distant and lashed out without cause totally out of context of a situation (I'm not even talking about a disagreement, he would lash out for what seemed like no reason at all.) He strung me along with intermittent kindness, but the back and forth left me invalidated and devalued.

I think at least those of us here stick around in order to 'check ourselves' & hopefully not come across too cold.

This is the part I don't understand. If aspies work so hard not to not "seem" cold, why is that? I mean, if they have to work at not saying mean terrible things that hurt, well, they thought it. They said it. It just seems like it IS real then. That it IS cold. The more time that went on, the colder my aspie was. You get to a point where he JUST IS cold, not just comes off as cold. I really am having a hard time understanding how there is a difference.

Doesn't everyone vary in the ability to hold back rude thoughts?

I know I try to only say the nicer things that come to mind. I think a lot of the negatives people let slip are just byproducts of our hypercritical culture.

No, I think for an aspie, it is WAY MORE than just that. Because it is coupled together with the inability to see from the other person's perspective. It seems that a person holds back sometimes and doesn't say something rude because they don't want to make the other person feel bad. For an aspie, it seems they might hold back from saying something rude because they've been trained to not say something rude, or they try hard not to say something rude when something fits the definition of what they have learned is rude, but without the empathy that should be the reason for not saying something rude in the first place. There is a huge difference there. And as a result, if something cold that they are thinking does not fit into the "rude" category or template neatly in their mind, and without the empathy to understand it might be hurtful to the other person, they say it....because they felt it....and that is cold. Being warm is by definition related to the ability to empathize. That is something aspies have a hard time with. So I have a very hard time reconciling in my heart the difference between coming off as cold and being cold. At least for my aspie former friend, he seems to just have negative feelings towards others...no connection on top of it. He can have manners with people when he wants to, but they don't seem to come from the same place that they really should, like it's a learned response, not a feeling one. At least in the case of my former aspie friend, which is all I can personally speak to, he IS cold.

It's like this. If someone doesn't consider your feelings, that is cold and that's it, plain and simple. If an aspie does not have the ability to see things from your perspective, they can't consider your feelings. It is not their fault that they CAN'T consider your feelings. But it doesn't change that they just cannot do that. If they can't consider your feelings, it still is cold, just the same as if they WOULDN'T consider your feelings. Isn't it? You might disagree, I'm sure many would and that is fine. But know this. It doesn't matter if someone couldn't or wouldn't consider your feelings....the hurt is the SAME EITHER WAY!

Example: My aspie friend nominated me for an award once. That felt good. Until I thanked him for it, and he told me it was really the prompting of someone else who told him he really should nominate me. The other person saw the reasons he should have nominated me for that award but he did not. And when I thanked him (not knowing that), he just told me it wasn't really him but the other person who said it, which said to me that he didn't care about anything I had done for him and it meant nothing to him, someone else just recognized that it would be expected that he should feel some kind of appreciation for all I did but he did not. Then he proceeded to tell me he didn't even want to go to the awards banquet because he had other things to do. He ended up going but only because I talked him into it. See, when I thanked him for his act of appreciation and kindness, it meant nothing to him because he never had the appreciation and kindness in his heart to begin with. He nominated me only because someone else told him it would be appropriate, so he did it mechanically without feeling at all. Me thanking him did not fit into a category or template in his mind that came with a canned rehearsed response so he spoke naturally what he felt, which was nothing. Now that award means nothing to me. It did not come from HIS heart at all. And that *IS* COLD AND HURTFUL. Cries a little. A lot.

The "inability to see from another person's perspective" is a myth, many of us have no trouble imagining the world from the perspective of other people. By the way, NT people are just as challenged in regards to seeing the world from the perspective of others, it's just that most people are NT and see the world the same way so that lack of empathy isn't as notable.

Please stop spreading misinformation about what it means to be autistic on a forum full of autistic people. Your ignorance is damaging. We are capable of having feelings, and of recognizing and appreciating the feelings of other people. We are not cold unfeeling robots. Please stop this, your personal anti-autistic agenda is showing.

You are wrong. Just wrong. Difficulty with empathy IS one of THE fundamental defining characteristics of asperger's. It does not mean that everyone who has asperger's experiences it to the same degree, surely. It also doesn't mean that people who have asperger's cannot work on this issue to try to improve. But it IS one of the defining characteristics, which means that the majority of those with asperger's experience it to some degree. This is not misinformation. And if it were not such a huge problem for those with asperger's and the people in their lives, there would not be a forum at all, it wouldn't be necessary because asperger's would be a myth too.

And I never said anything about what it means to be autistic. I am explaining what it is like to be on the other side of a relationship with someone who is. There are some for whom that is helpful if they see themselves behaving in the same ways as my aspie friend. Those who care would see that and try to modify their behavior so as to not cause pain if they do care about someone else.