Do the majority of guys with A.S. never get a girlfriend?

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Having empathy is essential in human relations.

Because it's exhausting and much too often ends in the AS partner's committing the entire conversation to self-defense and insistences that he (or she) is correct and the partner is simply stupid or imagining things or wrongheaded. Part of why it's exhausting is the incredible amount of time and energy that must go into defining myriad things that NTs are able simply to take for granted in communication. And then defending the perfectly obvious (to the NT) definitions while the aspie partner has disquisitions about why this should not be (despite the fact that it is). It goes on, and on, and on. And then there's the points at which the aspie partner decides that this is really all about hating him and attacking him and tearing him down.

And not too many people have the patience, time, or energy for all of that, and they don't have to do it, and eventually, after years, sometimes, of trying to make things work, they say, forget it, this is ruining my life. Then there's a divorce. Incidentally, if you actually go and read those posts, you'll find many, many descriptions of how the spouse has tried for years to work around the AS partner's needs, usually with no recognition or thanks - but with plenty of criticism.

Like I said earlier, I think some of the childhood training people with AS get now will help ameliorate those things if only by identifying them as real issues.

Anyway. Again, the point was to respond to the OP's question.

I've actually been told by many friends, including women, that I'm too nice. And considering the fact that I haven't bullied anyone while I'm here, I still have millions more nice points than you do.

Hater's gon' hate.

Of course it is, and it's actually a misconception that AS folk lack empathy. But what I've often found is that NT spouses, especially the ones on internet forums often actually lack empathy and understanding of the AS spouses, whereas accusations that the AS spouse lacks empathy is not really a lack of empathy but rather miscommunication, that's all.

Have you even considered the fact that it's just as exhausting, in fact even more so, for the AS partner to change? Even when it seems like the AS partner is not making any effort, often they are working even harder than you are. Did you know that? That's why I said that it requires understanding and empathy on the part the NT spouse for the AS spouse. If the aspie partner feels attacked, then why not try to understand why they feel that way? Also, having to change, from the perspective of the AS partner, is also attempting to change the way their minds work, what may be blatantly obvious to you is not blatantly obvious to them and so it's also an incredible amount of work and exhausting to see it the way NT sees it. Do you not think it's unfair that the AS partner must do all exhausting work because NT partner doesn't want to do any exhausting work? Why should you not find middle ground instead?

Jono...I understand what you're saying, but unfortunately it misses the point that exists.

The OP asked whether people with AS find relationships.

I'm showing that the answer seems to be yes, many do, but that there are problems in sustaining the relationships.

The question is not "what is just", but "what is". The reality is that the NTs simply do not have to put themselves through this. Some will try mightily, either because they want to or because they have children and don't want to divorce. (It's not accurate to say that they don't try and don't do any exhausting work. Many do a tremendous amount of work to make things go with the AS partner -- and will also say that their effort went unnoticed and unappreciated, too.) But in the end, if they feel it's damaging (and many do) or simply too much, they will walk away. Because they can.

As for middle ground-- if you read what these people are writing, they're describing not just middle ground, but bending over backwards and living unhappily for years in order to accommodate AS spouses. (This doesn't mean that this is what happens in all AS marriages, so if anyone reading this is getting ready to launch a post about that, put down the anxiety and anger now, and stop reading in.) So no, it's not fair to paint their complaints as "NT spouses are lazy and expect the AS partner to do all the work." That's simply inaccurate.

same thing with wanting companionship from a girl, that urge just does not go away from me

An AS/NT partnership is hard on everyone. However, there are increased difficulties being with someone on the spectrum as opposed to an NT/NT couple. I don't think anyone is arguing that it's not difficult for the aspie/autie, but that the difficulties are just as substantial and real for NT. Added to this, aspies/auties are a marginalized minority, so our experiences are not well represented in the public's eye, and unfortunately, we're not very good at effectively communicating our thoughts, which makes it doubly hard to get our experiences understood (luckily, technological innovations, research into the condition and efforts to raise awareness is slowly changing things). A big part of the problem with being aspie/autie is not having enough social self-awareness to understand your situation in relation to how others might perceive the situation, which is a pretty significant handicap. In a sense, we accidentally "put" ourselves in a bad situation in a way an NT generally wouldn't because we don't know any better ("put" in quotations because it's not conscientious). It's very frustrating.

It's very important to recognize the contributions that having a differently wired brain can have for a person, and Temple Gradin has been an exquisite exponent on this front. However, it would be wrong to ignore the handicaps. I know that when left unchecked, my behavior has been the cause of a lot of frustration and emotional turmoil for others. It's sh***y that I don't just "get it" about a lot of things the way most people do, but that doesn't mean I'm never responsible for my actions. As long as you're living to the best of your abilities, you should be good, but "the best of your abilities" has to be a constant challenge, not something to fall back on. That's part of the reason why counseling can be very helpful, as they might help with deciphering the social rules and assumptions that can be the cause of a lot of grief in an autie'/aspie's life.

Edit: counseling might be equally important/helpful for the NT.

Last edited by Spectacles on 06 Sep 2014, 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Growing up, in addition to the stereotypical odd obsessions that accompany AS (for me: marble, leather, marbles...), I was unusually coordinated so I also really got into a few sports (juggling football, doing basketball tricks...). In the world of dating, there is a great, unfortunate truth: physical attraction matters. It is one of the greatest injustices that there is, as one has only so much control over their attraction (and from what I understand, ASers, myself included, tend not to put a lot of effort in the pampering/dress up department). However, I think exercise is one of the best things you can do to increase attraction. Do some reading, set some goals, set up a routine and follow it. It's surprising how much regular physical activity can effect a person's attraction quotient, from how their skin looks, to how they hold themselves, to the pheromones you send off, to the positive effects on the brain, and more. It might take a while before anything noticeable happens, but that's seriously one of the single best things a person can do for themselves if they are interested in the dating scene.

Last edited by Spectacles on 06 Sep 2014, 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've been married 3 times. I definitely believe my Asperger's was an issue in choosing the right mate because we don't pick upon social cues all that well.

what about all the s**t NT's do that we have to put up with and work hard to accept. so what's your suggestion should all us AS go die somewhere or be alone forever, is it that we are unlovable? certianly what your post come accross as saying. nt women shouldn't bother with aspie guys, cause its so much work they should just find a nt guy.

I have a few problems no doubt. I get pasionate about stuff. and want to get it out to a person who will hopefully understand and I do get confused by actions of nts and stuff. I also try really hard to make people happy, to try to understand them. I try to communicate . I work to overcome my fear, and instint to hide and cry. I can't be NT no amount of treatment as a child or adult can fix that. we don't work the same so until something medical can be done to rewire how our brains work don't know what to do.
would it be better if we kept quiet all the time, cleaned the house, worked 40 hours a week , cooked dinner, then cuddled the wife to sleep and repeat?

nt's yell at people too. happens all the time, its why I get afraid and want to hid. say one wrong thing to a nt and they yell. I make mistakes, i miss phrase things some times or say something slightly wrong. and bam yelled at. seems no matter how hard I try and how much I bend and how much I suppress myself they always find a reason to yell.

also it should go without saying that one shouldn't just intimidatingly side with a nt wife complaining about her husband. for all you know hes trying his hardest, but it just isn't nt enough so they fed up. you don't hear his side of the story, so assume everything she says is try and not expanded on due to emotions.

Sly, one thing about you is that you self obsess and talk about yourself a lot, do you ever stop and listen to women? I find people love talking about themselves and listening will get you a lot further. You have to start seeing yourself as desirable, find your desirable strengths and work on them, you paint this negative image of yourself.

also, did Elliot Rodger really have Asperger Syndrome? or were people, the media using that as a scapegoat? I don't want to end up like he did, oh hell no

There's no evidence that Elliot Rodger had Asperger Syndrome. He was never diagnosed with it. I think the media simply did use that as a scapegoat.

I am a aspie male, with some of the problems other deem makes apsie men bad mates, so I feel a need to join the dicussion. there are likely others like me. I listen to women all the time. I am surrounded by them. most my emotional level friends are women.
seems you imply that disagreeing with women means one doesn't listen to them. I think aspie men can be goo matches. my grandpa married, had 4 kids, and stayed married til he died from smoking. My grandma still loves him and found his qualties lovely such as being playful and like a little kid. they probably had their problems. but the lasted for years and years.

people now a days just want easily fast paybacks, so if a marriage gets hard they bail cause they don't want to work to make it last. they want the easy way, so the marry and remarry. I can't do that so when I get in a relationship I work hard to make it last. I probably try to change myself too much. I read all the posts here. I just disagree with the aspie men are bad stereotype that is portrayed by members here. I had a sort of relationship with a woman who is bad as my family sees it, she lies and latter admited to lieing alot. I don't feel that all nt women are like that. I just accept she was.

I do talk about myself to show that there are men not like what those people beleive. I don't know many other aspies. the one i met in person is rather violent for my taste, he was mean, enjoyed picking on me. even if you read 1000 messages of bad aspie husbands, thats 1000s out of millions. and the good relationships don't tend to go online and complain. just like most people won't go to a store to say goo things, but they sure as heck will to complain.

Never had a longer term relationship. I'm also well-known among my friends for being completely oblivious to the fact that some females have had apparently obvious crushes on me (some of which I would have dated if I knew). Maybe its not getting the ball rolling that gives us problems, maybe we just don't notice the ball has started rolling