My lack of success isn't anyone else's fault.
17 Nov 2014, 3:04 am
0_equals_true wrote:
Having been here a while, and listened to some very similar themes, churning over and over a in macerated mess of bile and vitriol, I thought I redress the balance a bit.
It is getting a bit old, people blaming other people for their problems. I used to think this way for a time, but then I realized it was silly, becuase I don't have the moral high ground over anyone, nobody is selfless. In doing so, it actually made me more content and less frustrated. Resentment is not attractive, you only torment yourself, and so is a waste of mental energy.
My lack of success is for a variety of reasons, partly becuase I was clueless for a long time, but also I have always kept people at arms length (even my closest friends), this helps me cope better, with plenty of down time. I'm someone who gets a lot out of a little, and too much is too much.
So I have held back over the years, not taken opportunities, becuase I'm not sure I can offer people what they want, and not compromise the lifestyle, which I have found necessary for sanity. I'm pretty stable and reasonably happy, it wasn't always that way, and this is down to lifestyle changes. I'm also not looking for your standard relationship with that kind of dependence, and have radical positions on conventions like marriage.
I would not say it is constant expectation to be in a romantic relationship in my case, but reality is there is subtle, but effective expectation placed on me by some people. I can survive without one technically, but can't lie it would be nice. BUT...only if it is conducive with a low dependency, low maintenance, once or twice a week interaction.
I wonder what people think of this, how realistic is it?
I find average people quite needy, so an actual needy person is like an antithesis to me. I really don't get people who can't spend an hour, day, or week without missing their significant other. I'd almost feel sorry for them. They do have a I hard time understanding people who do not think like this, but I can't blame them for it.
It is getting a bit old, people blaming other people for their problems. I used to think this way for a time, but then I realized it was silly, becuase I don't have the moral high ground over anyone, nobody is selfless. In doing so, it actually made me more content and less frustrated. Resentment is not attractive, you only torment yourself, and so is a waste of mental energy.
My lack of success is for a variety of reasons, partly becuase I was clueless for a long time, but also I have always kept people at arms length (even my closest friends), this helps me cope better, with plenty of down time. I'm someone who gets a lot out of a little, and too much is too much.
So I have held back over the years, not taken opportunities, becuase I'm not sure I can offer people what they want, and not compromise the lifestyle, which I have found necessary for sanity. I'm pretty stable and reasonably happy, it wasn't always that way, and this is down to lifestyle changes. I'm also not looking for your standard relationship with that kind of dependence, and have radical positions on conventions like marriage.
I would not say it is constant expectation to be in a romantic relationship in my case, but reality is there is subtle, but effective expectation placed on me by some people. I can survive without one technically, but can't lie it would be nice. BUT...only if it is conducive with a low dependency, low maintenance, once or twice a week interaction.
I wonder what people think of this, how realistic is it?
I find average people quite needy, so an actual needy person is like an antithesis to me. I really don't get people who can't spend an hour, day, or week without missing their significant other. I'd almost feel sorry for them. They do have a I hard time understanding people who do not think like this, but I can't blame them for it.
It's very possible to find that kind of relationship. Hopefully it's easier at 32. Dating is incredibly toxic at my age.
Today I went to watch football with some friends. During the 4th quarter his girlfriend called and was upset because "she hadn't talked to him for 3 hours" and "was expecting him to come over" and was really getting into an argument with him for the course of 5 minutes before he got up and left to go see her. What? That's love? I don't mind a clingy relationship, I don't mind knowing someone desires me. But I work 50 hours a week. I have hobbies, routines, other things I don't wish to break away from. If I spend too much time being social, the moment I get home (or in private, usually just my car) I'm guaranteed to go into a full blown anxiety attack. I can't handle it, and I can't handle being expected to be something I'm not either. I have social tics and anxieties that I cannot get over, and don't want to get over - I'm perfectly content being the autistic person I am (though, 2 years ago I couldn't say that.) Although I'm aware compromise is necessary for a healthy relationship, I've found the demands that have been placed on me are just far too much to deal with.
Quite like you mentioned I was incredibly clueless up until age 22, which played a big part in my lack of success for a long time. Either way, though, I found the blame game is a waste of time, it's better to just learn from my experiences, negative or positive, and avoid making trust issues out of them.
Mostly I suppose I'm saying that I agree with you. The kind of relationship you described is more ideal. It would be nice to have a life companion to share and do those things with. I feel I can offer someone what they want, I've got time, money, a career, a place to live, etc. It'd be pretty awesome to go up skiing with someone, or movies, or just have someone to share life with in general, really. The problem is at my age, it just seems people base their relationships off their selfish needs, usually their self-esteem/ego/insecurities, their sexual needs, what they expect them to be instead of what they want, just to fit in.. it seems like everyone focuses so much energy on those things instead of just trying to find a companion.
_________________
If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.
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