Are relationships always this complicated?

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Right, every time I do a bit better. Why is that I'm expected to do something perfectly the first time I try? Why should I be vilified for not doing perfectly on first try by those with more experience. Many of whom have had more than one relationship. More than one? Maybe that means they didn't do perfectly on their first try either.Maybe, I haven't given up on her yet.Yes I'd rather avoid that.

Even though she claims to be a slob she's a neatfreak who's always telling me to keep my flat spotless.Yeah, I get that, I can feign confidence for a while but I find it exhausting.Maybe so but in some ways I've already improved. I lost 55 KG, quite my dead-end job, got a better job, started taking classes after said better job, etc.

You may say I could improve in other ways and you may be right but these things take time and I'm getting older.

People who aren't in relationships only come across as losers if they are acting like the only reason they aren't in one is because the women they like don't like them back, and then they whine and complain about it. If you come across as confident and comfortable in your single status, and don't whine or complain, that will be respected.

Maybe that could work but would people then think I'm intentionally single?

Would not seeking a relationship for the purposes of getting into a relationship lead to a paradox?

Yes I'm definitely talking about other ways. I think you are missing the point. There's no harm to others in seeking a relationship while also losing weight, figuring out your job, etc etc. There IS potential harm to others in seeking a relationship whilst harbouring hurtful, deceitful, manipulative and just generally bad attitudes and behaviours towards the women you date. THOSE are the things you need to improve about yourself and you need to improve them OUTSIDE of a relationship so you are not hurting anyone in the meantime.

Well, you resolve the paradox by actually being happy being single, just "open to" being in a relationship should one manage to find you. It only works when you really, truly, accept that being single is OK.

That's what I did until my mid-twenties. I was happily single and made no effort to find a partner, while not being opposed to finding one either. Nothing happened.

One of the most oft repeated lessons in my life is that if you don't make the effort, you don't achieve your goals.

You know that technique only works for women, right?

No? I've seen it happen to many a man. I've even been the relationship that came along to some of them.

Yes it is one of the main symptoms of BPD. Sounding very likely you are dealing with one. Danger!! BTW, doesn't it sound bizarre that anyone of such an advanced age is going to even travel, let alone move internationally?


Well, the red flags started on date #3 but this particular incident happened after a stressful work week. We were going to a big hockey game (I know, how original ) and she said she wasn't feeling well. No problem I said you are welcome to stay here this evening. She totally flipped out about how selfish I was, how it was my duty to take care of her. I told her I was going alone since the tickets were already bought and she started throwing things around and yelling how she could not believe what a jerk I was and asked who I was planning to f*(@ at the game.

I had coworkers, friends and family all warn me I was going to end up with a police visit and probably a trip to jail and guess what happened a year later? The Emergency Response Unit was called on me by a concerned neighbor because she was screaming so loud and throwing things so violently! I was VERY lucky not to get arrested. She always apologized, offered to make things right but this pattern never ever stopped.


Psstt my ex paid for the ticket, paid for my meals/groceries occasionally and guess what happened when we broke up? She DEMANDED every single penny back. I refused for obvious reasons and guess what? Everyone thinks *I* am the selfish a-hole even though I gave her more than her fair share after dumping her. BTW, she never did follow through on her promise to pay for all the property damage she caused and this girl likely will follow the same script. In case you are wondering like most BPD girls she became vicious when I broke up with her then threatened suicide. I'm embarrassed to admit I blew a potential relationship because I was so hung up on her and feeling guilty for being abused. Yes, BPD girls can turn reality and your sense of sanity upside down! I am not kidding when I say a coworker said one of us was going to end up dead eventually and this coworker was bang on sadly.

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Do you need any more proof? You have already made up your mind. Do what needs to be done and then start a thread in a few days about how crazy she went when you broke up. Even though you are on the other side of the world it is obvious how this is going to play out if you don't break it off.

clinton neither of them are what I would call fat. but if a twig with a leaf is called fat then so be it. just makes real fat people feel even worse. in local elections some fat people run but they don't win.

how many women start threads in l&D now compare that to guys, those guys doing that aren't the majority. I can only remember like 5 i don't like fat women threads that weren't repeat threads by the same people. there have been a number of women posters who posted they wouldn't date nore find fat guys attractive. that being here. now go into nt areas of the net you you see tons of women posting and talking about six packs. realistically I don't see myself dating but if I do its probably a 90% likely heard its not with a aspie. there just isn't as many of us and then most aspies are guys.

how do you define holds back? labor jobs that hire men don't generally hire fat guys, as they want fit guys to do labor. truck driving is pro fat guys I guess. really can't win this one. as i'm sure both genders feel held back by being fat, whos to say which is worse. men will say men, women will say women, stalemate.




guess I'm a loser ? question you're post seems to rely on the fact that said guys get tons of women wanting to date them but only go after the ones they like which don't like them back, now what about the guys who no women like them? i don't get women asking me out that I reject.



idk the whole you're just a loser who plays video games cause you can't get sex comes to mind, you're just a loser who can't get a gf, you're a loser who is stuck alone.

though that seems to be more of a sex is the end all of life and anything else is done just cause one can't get sex. or rather a way to bash other men's interests that isn't sports.

i'm not one to base my whole life off of whether or not I got some as they say "ladie part" but I did have to put up with is in mechanic school. and with friends. i don't understand the whole sports and sex thing that a lot of guys seem to focus on.

simply being a good person or not judging mostly by looks isn't what most people base deserving of love off of. I lack the material things required along with not looking good. honestly with ow much people base human life off looks you probably aren't that odd. i merely disagree with the it.


tired of fighting. fighting is tiring. imagine if like this new show you are the last person alive, fighting to find love is impossible in that situation so you can fight the unwinnable fight but its still unwinnable eventually one learns to accept reality is all. some times the best way to win a fight is not to fight at all. in SGA, the atlanteans fought the unwinnable fight til all their empire that was once thousands of planets was down to just one. so they packed up and went to another galaxy. they couldn't fight reality any longer.


If I lost 120 pounds I'd be underweight. its not easy losing weight. I lost muscle instead. though i did lose weight.

who?


o.O

Hmmm. In that case she may be lying about her family abusing her too.

She says she was once in an institution but she's inconsistant with the reason why she was there. That sounds a bit like gf, she gets mad if I don't text her every day. That sounds like gf too, for a while she was really suspicious that I was going to see other girls.She does something bad and they want to arrest you? That sounds very typical.The thing is with her she doesn't just pay for me, she always finds some flimsy excuse to pay for me, like if I gifted her something on Steam, then she wants to pay for me, or if I bought her a meal the day before, than she wants to pay for me.Yeah, that blame the victim mentallity is alarmingly common nowadays.

Since I don't want to move in with her ATM I had a plan to get her a subsidised townhouse through a feminist organisation. I thought she can live there and if she stays sane 'till the end of the year I could move in with her. I thought I would be helping her get away from her family. I thought at least if I left her I wouldn't leave her homeless.

But, if we have a dispute and I'm in a housing project fascilitated by feminists, they'll either have me arrested, murder me or murder me and then arrest my corpse. She could make false accusations against me and then the fascilitators, the police, the judge, the jurors, all of them would believe only her. -shudder-

I had to abondon my plans with them anyway when I found out the section of their project that allows live in partners only accepts girls aged between 16 and 24. It seems like they give the most help to the younger crowd. I hate it when organisations are like that. Also it was implied on their website that they only help women who have either suffered domestic violence or are indigenous. If her stories are to be believed her family has maltreated her but they haven't actually been violent.She said she attempted suicide when her ex dumped her. But if she really went through with it at least that would mean she couldn't harm me anymore, right?That would be bad. I'm already stressed out by work and night classes so if she causes further stress I could fail my course and/or lose my job. I think I could never fluke getting a job that good again.How did she die?Yeah, I guess many women are attracted to fit men and I don't blame them for that. I'd just like it if I wasn't repriminded for saying I'm attracted to fit women. Sex is by no means everything in a relationship but I still think psysical attraction is an important component in a healthy relationship. I still don't understand why admitting that I'm not attracted to unattracive people makes me a sexual deviant.You mean, I must like being single whether I like it or not? This is another paradox. Is it wrong for me to feel a pang of envy when I see some young on the street?

I never actually stated the reason I'm single is because the women I like don't like me back. The reason I'm single is because I'm not very good with girls. I don't blame this on girls. I blame it on myself. I've been blaming it on myself for yearsNow I understand, I have to lie.No, they have a different dispareging term to call me.

As for being a loser, maybe a lot of that is just in my head. Maybe sometimes I just feel like a loser. Sometimes that feeling can spur me on. I thought I had a low paying loser job so I quite that job and now I have a higher paying one. Most of my motivation comes from not wanting to hate myself again like I did last year and before.So my opinion of myself is not worth valuing? Makes sense in a way.

A lot has been said on this thread, which is hard for anyone to totally process.

However my gut reaction is the OP should stay in the relationship for the time being, so long as he basically likes this young woman and enjoys being with her. The best way I can put it is, the next time he wakes up and sees her sleeping next to him, he should ask himself if he wants to never see her there again? Because if he dumps her, that's what will happen.

Although I have been happily married a long time, I happen to think now that most of my previous relationships that I eventually decided to get out of, I could have stayed in and made to work, had I understood many things I understand now but didn't then.

It goes without saying both partners in this relationship have problems. Some posters seem to be suggesting that neither should even be in a relationship. However they ARE in a relationship and something can be made of that relationship, but you can't make nothing from nothing.

So maybe the relationship will end. Maybe they'll eventually learn they can't abide each other and probably it'll be ugly. Perhaps the police will get involved. But I see nothing to be gained from ending it prematurely.

If they have access to some sort of couples counselling I would recommend that. I would say anywhere a man on the spectrum is involved, there is probably something to be gained from couples counselling. But this post is not about how to make the relationship work, just allowing it to live first.

One more remark: I don't know much about BPD but I find it ironic how eager some posters are to diagnose it in someone they've never met considering how insistent WP members are that AS can only be diagnosed professionally. It makes me wonder if BPD is mostly a label used to diminish a (typically female) person's worth in the eyes of others.

That makes sense. That seems like a logical way to handle things.[/quote]Your analysis of the situation is quite sobering compared to some of the emotional hyperbole expressed by some of the posters, including myself.I wonder if my psychologist could do that? She was once a specialist for aspies so she has experience. They both want to see each other but neither of them mentioned couples counseling.Yeah, I mean I want experience so I can get better at being in a relationship but that can also mean I get better at being in this relationship.

Anyway, if lack of experience is a common complaint I think it's a rare opportunity that I'm with a girl who's explicitly stated that she's willing to teach me how to be in a relationship. That's extra work for her and I know there are some girls unwilling to take on such a task.This isn't the first time someone on WP has said some girl I mentioned on L&D has BPD.

Even if they're right I must see for myself or at least ask my psychologist about her first.

He could end up with a false domestic violence conviction, a jaded/hateful attitude towards women or dead from suicide or murder or he could lose it and assault her. Yes I am serious.


I actually did couples counselling and I can imagine the counsellor wanted to punch me. He was ruthless towards her and she responded by running away and actong like a 3 year old. What a waste of $300!


I am not diagnosing anyone but I do know the playbook well and it ultimately doesnt matter if she fully fulfills the DSM criteria. We naive Aspies with poor self worth are BPD magnets and it me a year to fully understand why broken and crazy women were so attracted to me. Let me be clear that *I* am at fault for staying with her and if I did not have self-worth issues I would have never gone past date 3.

That would explain why this sort of thing is so commonplaceYeah, why is that? Over the years I've had women infatuated with me who were so crazy that even I refused to date them.

I think maybe that's part of my issue with her. Forget her weight, I just don't want my family to think I'm dating an idiot. Surgery on her lazy eye won't really improve her intelligence. I worry my family will think it seems too desperate and that's probably because it is. That's why I think they'll judge me, because if they met her they'd think I'm desperate and rightly so. But I'm also desperate for them to not think I'm an asexual. Forget about her weight, my cousin married fat girl who is intelligent and mentally stable and they all like her.

I mean, she's not realy stupid but some of the girls who got infatuated with me really were. That's why I have issues with that sort of thing. That's why I always encourage her to wear her glasses so they can't see the dull look in her eyes. Forget about a slim figure, just give me a girl who's won a few Noble Prizes and that'll be good enough.

I'm sick of dating idiots but the smart ones always refuse to go past the first date. Is it because they're smart enough to judge me as harshly as I do?