Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

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Well, what's the problem then? I don't see what you're posting to get help with. You don't want to get married, and so you decided not to do so. Do you want a medal? Or to be talked out of it? It sounds like you have it all figured out already.

Alright, I'm sorry I reacted badly to your thread. It made me feel excluded and unfairly criticized. Also, I ran out of meds yesterday and didn't get the prescription renewed until today. So I was a little emotional.

It does however concern me that you are acting on these fears:

Not unreasonable to know her full name.

What if you can't find a spot that meets those conditions? Will this bother you all through the date?

If you can't reach a point of trust, then there's no point in having a relationship.

I agree. Yelling is unacceptable.

Do you actually do this? She must find that a bit odd?

I think these fears are causing you to become compulsive. Like OCD. It's unhealthy to let fear dictate your behaviour.
That's my two sense for what it's worth.

Why would this happen? You don't say this could happen or this might happen. You say it will happen. What makes you certain?

Because I'm a beta male, and won't be able to stand up for myself the first time my wife disrespects me, like tell my secret to her friends in front of me. Since I won't stand up for myself due to not thinking quickly or not knowing how, it will set off her unconscious instinct to drive beta males off the face of this sorry excuse for a planet. (Much like meltdown triggers are largely unconscious for me, so it's no one's fault.) And the abuse will begin, and escalate, and escalate, and escalate.

FWIW, men have this instinct too. Only theirs comes in the form of physical bullying and/or following an aspie guy out of a bar for the purpose of beating him up. Just watch the movie "Straw Dogs" (2011 version) if you don't believe me.

I don't happen to believe in this "alpha-beta-omega" crap.

Just be you, my friend.

I've been in quite a few relationships.

Trust me: women don't have the time to do the things you describe. They have their own lives, enough that they don't even think about doing those stupid things.

There was one girl/woman who did some crazy things--but she had serious problems.

You have to get out there, and take chances.

Forget about this "alpha-beta" crap. You are you.

Um, with all due respect to your authoritay - the feelings and opinions displayed by the OP are misogynist. Yes, he seems to be wanting to work through his misogyny, but working through intense issues like this are best done with a therapist and not in online fora.

How do you know your wife will tell your secrets to her friends in front of you? I have never told my husband's secrets to anyone. How do you know she will have an unconscious instinct to drive beta males off the planet? I do not have this desire, consciously or unconsciously. How do you know there will be abuse? I do not abuse my husband, nor have I ever abused anyone in a relationship.
Women are not some kind of hive-minded insect. We are people. I don't understand how you are even able to function in society without comprehending that. I really think you are a much bigger threat to women in general than we are to you. Your view of us is that we are something animal, some homogenous group that is less than human. It's frightening to think what someone with that view might be capable of doing.

This also is something I cannot understand about women, that their primary loyalty is to other women above their husbands, don't they have any respect for their husbands, or themselves for that matter, that they discuss intimate matters with outsiders, not just other women, male work colleagues like me for instance who doesn't want to know that a guy I work with has warts around his anus, why would a wife tell me such things about her husband?
Can you imagine the hell to pay if men went around telling their friends intimate and confidential things about their wives!
If I loved a wife, no way would I go around revealing her shortcomings to others.

Women are individuals.



This is not true in my case.



This is not true for me.



This does not describe me.



I don't do this.

This business of absolving the person who PICKS the [totally untrustworthy for whatever reason] spouse for picking THAT PARTICULAR PERSON to marry/date exclusively -- out of the 7 billion or so people on the planet. Statistically speaking, odds are pretty good that you can find a terrific spouse!

Don't marry someone you can't trust -- date a bit longer to see their character before committing! If the person you picked turns out to be untrustworthy, call them on it & seek professional help w/them if they're amenable -- and if not, you've every right to leave! You deserve to be treated well - every single person does!

You have made the mistake of incorrectly generalizing. Again.

The correct way to say this: "This is something I cannot understand about SOME women, that their primary loyalty SEEMS TO BE to other women ...."

I would never do what you described, and have never done it. I'm sure the same woman you work with, who you use as an example here, simply has no filters at all anywhere, and happily subjects her husband to details about zits she picks on herself, etc. A guy knows if he is marrying a woman like that because the complete lack of filter about anything private is going to be evident. I suspect her husband knows what his wife is like and basically doesn't care. Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

Since you do care, you get into relationships with someone with a different personality. A sense of privacy. And a filter. We women come in all types of personalities, loyalties and values. Please absorb that and remember that: we women come in all types of personalities, loyalties, and values.

My primary loyalty is to my family. End of story. There are no female friends or co-workers I would ever put above my husband or kids. Not a one.

So, once again, your perception on this is simply wrong.

I really don't have time for this thread and staying in this conversation, but I get scared when I see posts like yours and feel I have a duty to set the record straight.

I don't understand the point of this thread. If you have such fear and loathing towards your future (and currently non-existent) wife, well, then, just don't get a wife ! Easy as all that, see ? Don't sweat the small stuff, dude. Just stay single, footloose and fancy free. If you should need the occasional outlet for certain biological urges, then just go on a cruise as you recently did or continue with your escort-seeing habits.

No need to sit around worrying if you would be abused, have your expensive china smashed up, get your car vandalized, have your bank accounts emptied, have certain parts of your body cut off, get screwed over in divorce court etc etc etc. No one is gong to put a gun to your temple and force you to fumble a ring on some woman's finger, so stop working yourself up into such a frenzy of paranoia !

BTW, out of sheer curiosity - I noticed you mentioned that it was absolutely important for you to know the last name of every woman you are dating so you could file a police complaint if necessary ? Er, maybe it's me, but I thought that that was assumed ? I wouldn't dream of going on a date with some random person that I don't even know -- a complete legal name is the most basic information that you should have on anyone that you would "date" (unless the "date" is a midnight encounter in a shady, back alley in Vegas) ?

Anyway, you are making this far more complicated than it needs to be. Don't date, don't marry, don't get into an LTR. Stay safe, go on frequent cruises / have some escorts on speed dial, and all should be well !

I wish you the best. Good luck.

Ok some, a lot...etc etc, but Nambo's observation isn't that inaccurate, I have never ever heard any male friend, no matter how close he is to me, tells me such intimate details about his wife. But some women do tell me such things about their husbands, yet I am male, so I am sure they even get deeper with their female friends as well. A female acquaintance told me once that that she and all her close friends know every husband's dick size. I confirm that Nambo's generalization does not come from thin air.

A generalization is the difference between "some men are rapists" and "men are rapists". A pretty significant difference in meaning. The fact that some men are rapists does not validate the generalization.

You're darn right!

I suspected that this topic was going to be one explosive can-o-worms.
I've been married twice. First marriage I was manipulated into by the girl's parents, and that lasted fifteen years too long. She had health problems, was very passive on most things, but the thing she was adamant about she WAS ADAMANT about (her faith). Ultimately, that's where that marriage failed. Second marriage was to someone who turns out to have been on the spectrum as well, though not as profound. As such, I couldn't understand our fights when they occurred, or how we could get so terribly out of sync with one another and our needs.
I just ended a relationship with someone whom can only be described as an "alpha personality". Not only did she emotionally manipulate me into the relationship, she became immediately verbally abusive (it's amazing how small you can make someone feel and never, ever call them a name in the process). When I finally had the nerve to end it for good, well, all hell broke loose.
Three different women. Three totally different personalities. There are no generalizations.
You just have to hope, and if you think it isn't worth the attempt, then don't do anything until you are really ready to.
Just my thoughts. Your mileage may vary.