Worst decision - okcupid

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Rdos is too neurodiverse for just the average neurodiverse.

Keep in mind that isn't how it is for all women...I certainly didn't feel like I was holding cash on a shopping site. More like putting myself out there hoping someone might be interested since I fail at initiating interactions IRL and don't really get approached that much by others. Sure I got messages here and there never really had my inbox just bulging with 100's of messeges or even 20 unless it was over a period of a couple months.

I actually felt more like an ashamed loser, using the internet to find a relationship...of all things. And of course I did multiple times get the feeling most guys there must think I am ugly, stupid or just not dating material in the least. I never had a situation where I thought 'man look at all these suitors to choose from' and then analyze them to see if they fit some strict list of expectations and discard any who didn't fit it to a t.



Also though why would you feel like a stupid tool if out of these 100 other guys, a woman picks you? Assuming said women even has 100 guys interested in her. Unless of course you'd be putting on a front that is not the real you and they pick you...then I could see feeling like a tool.

Anti-anxiety meds? Training for a career that involves little interaction with people, maybe?

Certainly, but you cannot directly enter criteria that you only want to be matched with neurodiverse people. When I created my experimental OkC profile I tried to get matched with neurodiverse people by making sure I answered their questions in a asexual polyamory way, and I also selected that in the profile, and used it in my description. That did have some success, but it will only work if you indeed want to pursue asexual polyamory. For those that are monogamous and sexual I have no idea how they would do in order to primarily get matched with neurodiverse people.

The aspie related dating sites will not work either because they have an awful gender bias, only targets diagnosed AS (and possibly self-diagnosed people). That's not the same thing as neurodiversity, rather is a selection of people that have a lot of additional problems in addition to being neurodiverse.



Some might want to date any neurotype, but I would not want to do that. I especially don't want matchings that are random in regards to neurotype, because that will mean 9 out of 10 matches will be with NTs.

Well if you're intending to primarily get matched with neurodiverse people...you could always put that you are autistic in your profile and explain what that means and even say you only are interested in other neurodiverse people.

Also you can just messege people they don't have to be the 'matches' the site pairs you with, since that is just based on if you have similar basic preferences/lifestyle.

It also never occurred to me to factor in neurotype as a criteria.

That doesn't affect OkCs matching process. They don't parse people's profiles, rather use the answers to their surveys. It also won't do any good because putting "autistic" in the profile is more likely to scare away neurodiverse people and especially the undiagnosed ones you want to get to know.



That assumes you know which people to message beforehand, and also that they are aware of neurodiversity, which I think only a minority of neurodiverse people are. Most of them know they have some quirks, but they don't know about neurodiversity and that others have the same quirks.

As I wrote before, I've had a few neurodiverse matches identifying with asexual polyamory in their surveys. None of these girls wrote "I'm autistic" or "I'm neurodiverse" in their profiles. Instead, it becomes evident when they describe their "quirks" and odd preferences in their profile.

Men outnumber women on dating sites. That's just statistics.

So to find a woman, you must first.

-Weed out the fake accounts put in by site owners to try to make it seem like there are more women there.
-Weed out phishers and trolls posing as women.
-Weed out the women who are just there for validation.

And then you're left with a small pool of women which all the other men who have gone through the same process as you have, then have to compete over.

These women then getting all this attention can be very, very choosy, as opposed to their male counterparts.

I'm not saying women don't experience frustration and let down on dating sites, just that statistically, the men outnumber women by far which means that for most women, there will always be men to choose from, just that they're not the top tier of men which all women compete for and refuse to lower their standards for the average joes.

What women might experience though, is sleazy men just looking to get laid, when they are there to find someone suitable for a relationship.

That isn't really a hardship, assuming that you send a short first message -- "Hi, how goes your Tuesday? And have you seen the last [reference to something in her profile]?" -- and that the girls who don't respond aren't interested. You're out 1-2 min per girl contacted, maybe less.

For the girls you hear back from, suggest meeting up in person (short date, public place, like post-work drink or coffee)... the ones who decline the invite aren't that interested, are trolls or are stringing you along.



There are an equal number of average Janes as average Joes. The average Jane with unrealistic expectations of guys likely won't get dates and will either (1) remain single and (2) adjust her expectations. I'm guessing men do the same.

One factor to consider is education. If you don't have a degree, are you pursuing girls who do? My anecdotal experience is that there tend to be a lot more ACTIVE online dating girls with degrees relative to the number of ACTIVE guys with degrees. Bear with me here.

(Yes, I'm fully aware there are tons of degree-less smart people and plenty of morons with graduate degrees. And I've a grad degree).

I've online dated and tended to get a ton of messages -- the only way I could make internet dating bearable was to screen really, really hard on education (grad degrees only) and hunting/fishing (no to any guy who mentioned either; I've no moral objection whatsoever to hunting or fishing, provided you eat what you kill but it seems to be code for good ole country boyz that, um, aren't my type).

The downside is that this proactive rules out 98% of guys on any dating site. The upside is that the guys I do meet are a pretty good fit. (Not enforcing the criteria results in me going on so many horrid first internet dates that I throw my ands up in despair and go off dating, all dating, for several months).



That's not really an issue, as dating sites tend to let you specify what kind of a relationship you're looking for (casual sex, long-term, etc) and have handy "delete" buttons.

I know it's not a social norm and all, but there is nothing wrong with girls initiating. Honestly, it shouldn't really matter who makes the first move, as long as somebody does. Also, I don't think guys mind all that much if the girl does make the first move (especially shy/socially awkward guys). When they didn't respond to your messages, they probably just weren't interested.

I keep hearing stories from girls that guys don't like girls initiating on them - and I keep hearing guys wishing if girls initiate on them.

So which side is exaggerating?

Why does some side need to exaggerate? It's a matter of neurotype. NT males don't like it when girls initiate, and ND males wish they did, especially if they are very shy.

Not everything is ND vs NT.

If you have to message hundreds of people to get a response then it isn't much different than IRL, just messaging one is hard enough at least for me and to play the "oh hey, how are you doing" thing to hundreds of people just seems weird. I imagine a lot of these dating things are integrated into social media which I don't take part in. I can't do it so I guess I am meant to be alone, someone would basically have to throw themselves at me and even then I'd be too stupid or scared to do anything. It just seems hopeless, even if by god's good graces I did find someone I wouldn't know what to do anyways. It just seems like I am a broken person, one that probably would of gotten his skull bashed in with a rock back in caveman times. I am a logical person and can see the writing on the wall, I can't see why anybody would like me given other options. People don't want "damaged goods", why would they want to invite that into their life? If it is a competition then I lose, simple as that.

If I can figure it out, anybody can plain and simple! It's not easy but even a hopeless guy like me figured it out.... eventually.

I will let you in on a little secret I learned about dating so many women. Do you want to know WHY my Fiancee is attracted to me deep down? Do you want to know why other similar women were repulsed by me? Because of how their parents, especially her father acted. My Fiancee's father is very similar to me in personality and has similar interests to mine, so I felt familiar and safe to her. I had another two women reject me who would have been great matches. Why? Because their fathers were abusive alcoholics. Doesn't matter what you are told: people usually are subconsciously attracted to someone who is like one of their parents, generally but not always the opposite sex parent. For example, looking back my two exes were frighteningly like my mother and father respectively but I never went out seeking someone like mom or dad.

Does every person have perfect parents?

It is nice words of encouragement but I'm not sure I buy the whole you are attracted to your parents thing, bit too Freudian for me not to mention I can't imagine there being too many parents like me let alone ones they actually like. I'm just trying to get to the point where I can support myself and feel like human being on equal footing with others, I'm not sure a career alone would achieve that but it seems like a prerequisite to anything else. It's a lot of pressure considering I haven't worked up until this point and am not even sure I can, I just think I'm too ****'d up for anybody to ever want to be in relationship with me. Maybe I can meet someone in similar circumstances but like I said, I wouldn't recognize it or have the guts to make the move myself anyways.

s**t just makes me want to experiment more with drugs, find something that makes me "normal-ish" and the opposite of what I am usually or just some relief to trick my brain into thinking its happy.

I don't think there's any way around the fact that both IRL and online dating involve "How are you doing?"-ing lots of people to find one that you're compatible with and actually likes you back. So long as you're polite and graciously take no for an answer, you're very unlikely to get your head bashed in.

I also find it helpful to keep the fact that people, including all NTs, get together at all is somewhat of a miracle when you consider the odds. If I find 1 guy in 10 attractive, guys find 1 girl in 10 attractive, you're looking at 1 in 100 that the attraction's mutual. And that's before factoring in stuff like whether the person is single or straight! Love's a crapshoot. For everybody.

Pretty sure everybody's damaged goods, so may as well embrace the inevitable.