Is there hope or should I just give up?

Post Reply New Topic

While I agree with what you're saying, I don't know if I'd call it "a level playing field" so much as "a similar frequency". It's not really a competition, and we aren't "less than" NTs.

Think of it this way, Marknis, there are lot of girls out there, you only need to find one that "clicks" with you. To use a metaphor, it's a needle and haystack situation. If you stay positive and let your personality shine through, then you become a little magnetic, because that needle is also looking for someone on the same frequency. But if you keep being down on yourself over this, you might miss a needle or two because they won't see the wonderful person buried beneath the self-loathing. (It also might not hurt to put some effort into getting into shape if you aren't already, or becoming self sufficient if you can manage. This will help with the positivity as well as make you a little more attractive)

Also, if you have the time, I think this should be required watching for people on this forum section, especially this time of year:

When I was 28, I never went on a single date, never kissed anyone other than grandma on the cheek and never even held hands with a woman. I was one of those people who always wanted to get married and start a family ASAP but could not figure it out no matter how hard I tried. Finally, at the age of 32, after countless dates that lead nowhere and a psychotic ex who nearly ruined my life I found "the one" . We are getting close to the wedding date and have already planned for kids and a house together. This literally seemed impossible to me even one year ago and thought I was beyond hope, especially when everyone I knew was finding someone.

If I can do it, anyone can. Did I mention that many of those that found love have divorced?? I was looking down upon for being the only single (adult) person in my family for years but the tables have turned and many are in or heading to splitsville.

I feel behind in that I still don't know how to navigate the social world since I missed out in my developmental years learning proper socialization. It also seems that men in their late 20's and older who are single are stigmatized as being "creepy" or "killer in waiting".



That's been another issue for me. A lot of the girls my age seem to want a guy who is either a "bad boy" or a GQ looking guy.

It's behavior that determines whether someone is perceived that way, not age. There may be a more narrow perception of acceptable behavior where you are, though. It sure sounds that way.

If you read the Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, he starts his preface by saying "Man proposes, but God disposes", and goes on to comment that men and women really do have so little control of their own destinies. This is coming from a man who had a week left to live. I was betrayed by two previous wives and finally befriended by a third, who is my soulmate. I've been through a lot of hurt. But I never gave up. Everyone has their own perspective. In the end, for me, it was my faith that kept me going. I'm not trying to preach. I was once an atheist - born and raised, in fact. But my faith gives a fabulous sense of peace. It will not take the loneliness away. But it will make your struggles easier ones. I'm sure I'll get disagreements over this post. That's okay. I'm a grown-up and I can handle it. All I'm doing is offering my perspective. But in the end, the people who do not accept you for being you aren't with hanging around anyway.

are you implying you have never had a girlfriend before?

The only relationship I've ever had was short lived so it feels like a drop in the bucket of my years of loneliness. It also only happened by pure luck.

I don't want to give up but it's hard for me to feel hopeful after years of disappointment and discouragement. It's like trying to do something without having any prior experience.

Just be honest & see if you can make things fun for people close to you. Make things really fun if at all possible.

My friendship circle is too small for that. I also have strained relationships with my family.

The Bible Belt is a very judgemental and fear based culture. Movies like One Hour Photo and incidents like the George Sodini shooting contribute to this. I wish I was never born here.

what age did you get your first girlfriend?

You are on the clock of any potential partner. They won't want anything to do with you if you've fallen so far behind them in your personal development you look like a little boy in a man's body to them. And this tends to get only worse over time, as they'll keep making progress faster than you through every stage of life, widening the gap more and more. Many of these stages you'll never reach before you die.

This is more or less why I think the game has been over for a long time for me.

Do you ever say anything positive? I'm genuinely curious.

Maybe move to a different city?
Not sure where you are, but maybe try a different city, one that is liberal (away from the Bible Belt), a larger city, find an eclectic neighborhood there, etc.
If you're at wits end, then why not try some major changes, and then give it some time?
You say you wish you were never born there.
Definitely move then.
Would be difficult, lots of anxiety with moving, financial changes, work changes, and you might not know anyone where you move, but might be best overall?

ya, not uncommon among male aspies

and how long did that relationship last? well be glad you are not a virgin