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Getting a girlfriend feels like an impossible task

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Aristophanes
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26 Feb 2016, 3:26 am

AR15000 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Grammar Geek wrote:
Bluelaggongirl wrote:
Girls aren't objects to be acquired.
And I implied this where? ...
Where you started off by saying "Getting a girlfriend ..."

A person "gets" a new car. A person "gets" a new house. A person "gets" a new laptop.

Cars, houses, and laptops are objects. By "getting" them, you acquire them, as if the acquisition of these objects is an end to itself.

How about considering the concept of "Establishing a meaningful and mutually supportive relationship with the right woman"?


And would you deign to say the same thing when a woman talks about "getting a boyfriend" as if a boyfriend is an object to be acquired? Sounds like you're attempting to be a chivalrous white knight when you know damn well what he's talking about(establishing an intimate relationship with a woman).


Chivalrous white knight!! !! LOL!

Fnord and I have had a few heavy weight title bouts over gender issues, almost personal grudge matches, and I'm almost always defending the side of women. If Fnord is arguing on my side it's not for some cheap show (pretending to be a white knight) it's because he believes in it on principle. Besides, the content of his claim wasn't even gender based, it applies to everyone: don't think you "own" someone in a relationship.

*to Fnord: I don't think you're sexist on these arguments when we disagree, merely a different viewpoint and I want to clarify that so readers don't get the wrong impression.



Nocturnus
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26 Feb 2016, 3:32 am

In Eastern and Southern Europe, people are more friendly, they spend a lot of time outside socializing and not one was looking at their phones while sat at the table. Many of the women in Eastern European countries believe in patriarchal and traditional values, I think you should look into travelling. To a feminist, wanting a woman for company is to objectify her and that makes you the demonized white male.

You may even be better off in a small Norwegian community, the houses are cheap.



Peacesells
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26 Feb 2016, 6:21 am

I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Feb 2016, 6:50 am

I decided to become the male version of katy/willburforce/androbot and start nitpick on women on that basis. :P

Join the revolution!



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Feb 2016, 6:53 am

And here it begins: viewtopic.php?t=306944&p=7022937&sid=6546b58fcc66c1ae3eaaa11e535cd31a#p7022937



Nocturnus
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26 Feb 2016, 7:32 am

Peacesells wrote:
I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.


Women objectify men as just as much, I do not know why feminists feel the need to attack men for simply enjoying female company or the female form. There is nothing wrong with it and it is natural but they will find anything to attack others.

There is no harm in objectification, I do not understand the negativity behind the word. It is the motive behind the objectification that is important, not objectification itself.



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26 Feb 2016, 1:14 pm

Grammar Geek wrote:
I don't understand how some guys can seemingly get girlfriends so effortlessly. I'm not a hunk, but I'm not really ugly; I've seen far less attractive guys with girls. Everywhere I look, everyone is paired up, and I keep wondering "What's wrong with me? What am I not doing right?" Nobody has ever shown interest in me, and I don't know what to do.


That's usually because the men/women with lower standards get settled down extremely quickly, leaving behind those with impossibly high standards, and those who are of that high standard but are holding out for something similar or better.

Grammar Geek wrote:
Everything I've read makes it all sound extremely complicated, yet people get relationship after relationship with ease. But how? If you mess up on one little step, you're dead. I don't know how to do this crap, and I'm lonely and depressed.


What are you standards?
Just how much are you prepared to compromise of yourself in order to get into a relationship with someone?


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auntblabby
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26 Feb 2016, 1:42 pm

the OP needs at least some temporary good luck to find somebody who has escaped their master control programming [Darwinian drives] so they are unblinded to the OP's essential goodness. some people can escape the programming of the master control program temporarily or mostly, it happened to the person who flukishly glommed onto me for a brief window of happiness, before she returned to her master control programming [her normal senses]. at least I have a few good memories. for some people there are no matches on this earth. period. at least I had a temporary quasi-match. I wish the same for the OP.



Jacoby
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26 Feb 2016, 1:58 pm

B19 wrote:
AB, there are millions of us on the worldwide wrong planet, and for both kinds of planetarians, it's about finding a good match and identifying places where that is more likely to happen.

Tony Attwood made the very interesting observation that ASD women tend to form relationships with ASD men, not NTs, whereas ASD men more often seek to form relationships with NT women, not ASD women. His view is that this is because the men want or need NT wives to navigate the NT social world for them, like a wingperson. If an ASD woman marries an NT man, he may expect her to navigate their "social world" on behalf of the two of them, as many NT wives do, and that could cause her enormous stress. As I usually do, I think Attwood is perceptive in his reasoning and observation.

So if you are an ASD man wanting to meet ASD women, consider hanging out in groups focused on things like animal well-being and rescue, nature, wildlife, insects, books etc which are central interests for many ASD women, environmental groups probably are another place that ASD women might be find in higher numbers than expected, and anything to do with cats. If you already have that kind of interest, then starting from a point of common interest is a big headstart.


Wouldn't it be thought of as kind of sleazy to join those groups just to look to pick up ASD girls if didn't share that interest as well?

I don't think two socially dysfunctional people not finding each other is really that surprising since it is a two way street and if both sides lack that social ability then it makes sense to me that those relationships would be a lot more rare. There's a lot of trials and tribulations we have in life and I can't imagine most people wanting to double down on that given the choice. Not the mention there is a skewed gender ratio, so while ASD women may seek to form relationships with ASD men but there are is simply way more men so you don't really have a choice as a guy but to pursue relationships with NT women if you actually realistically want to be in one which unfortunately is pretty difficult task for a lot on men the spectrum. To me, somebody that understands your struggles and doesn't judge you for it is preferable but it's a rare thing in this world it seems. It really comes down to initiating things and if just so lack that ability then there isn't much you can do. Maybe you'll stumble ass backwards and somebody will find you but more likely you'll be alone forever unless you find a way to change that.



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26 Feb 2016, 2:20 pm

B19 wrote:
AB, there are millions of us on the worldwide wrong planet, and for both kinds of planetarians, it's about finding a good match and identifying places where that is more likely to happen.

Tony Attwood made the very interesting observation that ASD women tend to form relationships with ASD men, not NTs, whereas ASD men more often seek to form relationships with NT women, not ASD women. His view is that this is because the men want or need NT wives to navigate the NT social world for them, like a wingperson. If an ASD woman marries an NT man, he may expect her to navigate their "social world" on behalf of the two of them, as many NT wives do, and that could cause her enormous stress. As I usually do, I think Attwood is perceptive in his reasoning and observation.

So if you are an ASD man wanting to meet ASD women, consider hanging out in groups focused on things like animal well-being and rescue, nature, wildlife, insects, books etc which are central interests for many ASD women, environmental groups probably are another place that ASD women might be find in higher numbers than expected, and anything to do with cats. If you already have that kind of interest, then starting from a point of common interest is a big headstart.


I suspect the biggest reason that ASD men often date NT women is simply that NT women are far more common and easily found. Aspie women are rare and exceedingly reclusive. You're not likely to encounter them in everyday life nor meet them at social gatherings for strangers(like meetups). And they also don't seem to make use of online dating to the extent that ASD men do. But I have no doubt that many aspie gals are geeky and those types of interests, including online gaming forums and interactive sites, are places where you are more likely to find them. But the bottom line is that these are women you need have shared interests with in order to get with them.



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26 Feb 2016, 2:39 pm

Peacesells wrote:
I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

Same thing I was thinking. I'm a crazy SJW feminist myself, but I don't believe this is objectification. He just wants the experience of getting partnered up. I guess people are taking the phrase "getting a girlfriend" way too literally.


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marshall
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26 Feb 2016, 2:49 pm

Nocturnus wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.


Women objectify men as just as much, I do not know why feminists feel the need to attack men for simply enjoying female company or the female form. There is nothing wrong with it and it is natural but they will find anything to attack others.

There is no harm in objectification, I do not understand the negativity behind the word. It is the motive behind the objectification that is important, not objectification itself.

I think when women have experienced negative objectification (I'm talking the disrespectful kind) they become constantly on guard and see it everywhere (even where there's no disrespect intended). There is something in the biological wiring of most men that makes it possible to be sexually attracted to a woman's body without having any love or concern for her as a person. Many women aren't wired that way. They don't understand it and it feels threatening.



AR15000
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26 Feb 2016, 3:56 pm

marshall wrote:
Nocturnus wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.


Women objectify men as just as much, I do not know why feminists feel the need to attack men for simply enjoying female company or the female form. There is nothing wrong with it and it is natural but they will find anything to attack others.

There is no harm in objectification, I do not understand the negativity behind the word. It is the motive behind the objectification that is important, not objectification itself.

I think when women have experienced negative objectification (I'm talking the disrespectful kind) they become constantly on guard and see it everywhere (even where there's no disrespect intended). There is something in the biological wiring of most men that makes it possible to be sexually attracted to a woman's body without having any love or concern for her as a person. Many women aren't wired that way. They don't understand it and it feels threatening.


I'm not so sure that women aren't *wired* that way because I've noticed that women who engage in casual sex/FWBs and even one-night-stands are far more common than people think! I suspect that the unification of love and sex is something that women were brought up with because in the last 30 years there's been a backlash against the social requirement that women seek commitment and countercultures which promote female promiscuity as a form of sexual liberation.....And they have been highly successful at changing society. Non-monogamy and sexual deviance are becoming increasingly mainstream and no longer viewed as alternative lifestyles(especially kink).

Women who have suffered rape and sexual abuse however, do tend to be highly guarded about being objectified(since that is precisely what happened to them) and often see it everywhere because they distrust men.



Aristophanes
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26 Feb 2016, 5:05 pm

AR15000 wrote:
marshall wrote:
Nocturnus wrote:
Peacesells wrote:
I can't believe that people are talking of objectification because of that. 8O I don't know if I should laugh or cry.


Women objectify men as just as much, I do not know why feminists feel the need to attack men for simply enjoying female company or the female form. There is nothing wrong with it and it is natural but they will find anything to attack others.

There is no harm in objectification, I do not understand the negativity behind the word. It is the motive behind the objectification that is important, not objectification itself.

I think when women have experienced negative objectification (I'm talking the disrespectful kind) they become constantly on guard and see it everywhere (even where there's no disrespect intended). There is something in the biological wiring of most men that makes it possible to be sexually attracted to a woman's body without having any love or concern for her as a person. Many women aren't wired that way. They don't understand it and it feels threatening.


I'm not so sure that women aren't *wired* that way because I've noticed that women who engage in casual sex/FWBs and even one-night-stands are far more common than people think! I suspect that the unification of love and sex is something that women were brought up with because in the last 30 years there's been a backlash against the social requirement that women seek commitment and countercultures which promote female promiscuity as a form of sexual liberation.....And they have been highly successful at changing society. Non-monogamy and sexual deviance are becoming increasingly mainstream and no longer viewed as alternative lifestyles(especially kink).

Women who have suffered rape and sexual abuse however, do tend to be highly guarded about being objectified(since that is precisely what happened to them) and often see it everywhere because they distrust men.


I actually agree with you here, I think sexual behavior and romantic behavior are both learned behavior. Sexuality isn't as "natural" as people think, that's why sexual practices are different among cultures. In ancient Greece homosexuality wasn't just accepted it was actually promoted, some religious sects believe in polygamy, and apparently the Japanese don't believe in getting laid at all (declining population, and don't take it seriously it was a joke). There is no one "correct" behavior, society determines what is "correct" and like a school of fish people just follow the norm. There's obviously a genetic factor too: I'm asexual, always have been regardless of societal training, and I believe LGBT people the attraction factor is genetic as well. That being said, outside of actual attraction, the behaviors people engage in I believe are largely constructs of society.



Kyle Katarn
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27 Feb 2016, 7:00 am

What exactly are you, OP? :?



Peacesells
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27 Feb 2016, 7:41 am

marshall wrote:
I think when women have experienced negative objectification (I'm talking the disrespectful kind) they become constantly on guard and see it everywhere (even where there's no disrespect intended). There is something in the biological wiring of most men that makes it possible to be sexually attracted to a woman's body without having any love or concern for her as a person.

Please let's not justify them, they are really annoying and need to learn to stop bothering people. Besides apart from the troll Katy, I saw male users say that in this thread.
Quote:
Many women aren't wired that way. They don't understand it and it feels threatening.

LOL.