Don't expect someone to love you

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How many people on this site have that problem though? It's not the people struggling to even have one relationship.

If you were in the position of rejecting someone it would be pretty hard to tell them exactly why directly to their face. I think reality is just harsh. I mean, would you reject someone with a horrendous deformity (think "elephant woman"). Probably. We all suck. We're wired to be superficial. We are not wired for fairness. It's depressing. It's probably the reason most people on earth are religious. People want to believe in a god who judges and loves fairly, because human beings are incapable. We just suck, period. It seems a large part of being well adjusted to this world is being able to lie to ourselves and dissolve of the ugly reality. We are meat. Nothing more.

I agree with the first part of what you wrote, but why is learning to move on a sign of quantity rather than quality? It seems a sign of maturity and realistic expectations. A few months ago I went out a few times with a woman and we had fun together on those dates and our long phone calls to each other. Those were quality interactions, but for unspecified reasons communication petered out. I had to move on, but the interactions were quality until things fizzled. And she was the only person I'd gone on dates with since breaking up with my ex about a year ago, so not much quantity there.

That's because setting up a date with somebody basically requires no effort, and if you also learn how to move on easily, then ending things won't require any effort either. No effort means you are focused on quantity, not quality. That's also why people think dating is a "big-number" game, and that you will eventually succeed if you go on enough dates.

If you approach relationships with a quality-view, it means you will invest a lot of time and effort in your potential partners (the observation game), and because of that, you need to be a lot more particular about whom you select. You also cannot rely on a big-number game, because your time is limited.



Still, the long calls were just a chance-thing. Most dating will only have a few dates and nothing more. Also, it was easy for you and her to move on because you had not yet got too attached to each others. If you approach relationships with a quality approach, it is inevitable that you will get attached, which makes it harder to move on.

What is a difference between dating and getting to know each others as friends? I get some weird skepticism from people saying people who want to be together should start dating and avoid being friends. I am not sure what kind of mind or behaviour that is.

Aspies having a relationship heavily rely on verbal communication since we struggle with nonverbal which is a common communication with someone. So starting off as dating without being friends can be worse case scenario. So how you expect a lady will understand you if you struggle nonverbally? It about dealing with intentions.

Because becoming 'friend's first' does not work because they will assume that is only what you want and will only want to be friends with you.

I agree in that I'd love to just have plenty of female friends and possibly we both fall in love one day but the fact of the matter is is that men who are friends with women are more likely to fall in love with their female friend than a woman is likely to fall for her male friend.

This is not supposed to be a sexist generalization or fact but just my individual experiences.

Most women see their friendships with men as purely platonic and completely only about friends and do not want or expect something more and believe their male friend also only sees them as a friend but this is often not true.

Many males may be secretly attracted to their female friend in some way whether it be physically or romantically.

It is ideal to be clear from the beginning about what you want so that you don't become friends with someone who only wants a friend.

I always fall for every female I am ever friends with and deeply wish it was easier for women to fall in love with their male friends so my chance would increase but this is not the case/.

But I agree a strong existing bond such as a friendship is a great start to a potential relationship but that would only be the case if it were likely someone else would feel the same to start as friend's first and then have a relationship.

However this is rare so becoming friends with someone else first is overall risky business and very unlikely to result in a relationship.

Some Aspies have concluded that it works like that based on experience with NTs, but it is totally wrong. This is only valid with NTs, and NDs seeking other NDs can and often will rely heavily on nonverbal communication because the natural ND courtship is nonverbal. This is the primary reason why NDs might want to seek out other NDs. They are compatible in the nonverbal communication area and won't struggle with it, and won't need to fake or learn anything because it all comes naturally.

Thus, a ND lady knows very well when a ND guy is interested in her because he is triggering her natural preferences. This is no different from how it works between NTs. It's when NDs and NTs try to get involved romantically that people need to resort to verbal communication.

I don't get it. I observed that someone skip being friends and jump in relationships they rarely last at all. That why many friends and family of mine kept telling me I should wait and BE a friend with them first. No one ever gave me an advice of asking someone right away before being a friend because I get constant rejections and been told I scared them away.

I think people in their teens and up to mid 20s they are usually unhappy so they lure in being casual relationships because they don't know what they are doing.

There is a middle ground there. You should observe her behavior towards you before you ask her out so you can reduce the number of rejections. That doesn't mean you should become friends with her.

Agreed. Most of the people I know who are in long term relationships started off as friends first.

Friends first doesn''t work: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/va ... oesnt-work

Seriously, I have no idea if people I know that are in long term relationships started off as friends first or not. I only know that I never did get into anything romantic with a friend.

That article is extremely biased and nullified. Did you check the citations? its a gossip mainstream influenced article that put a mainstream into reality. Like even this article say say virgins after 25 years old are abnormal people. This put a red flag on reading articles like this.

To be honest, I believe your life is about short term relationships, or even meaningless. I am not trying to throw bags at you, but it is really extremely rare to meet people like you who don't believe friends should go first. A simple form of human communication they all made friends from first point of interaction.

Hurtloam's life is generalised. She also claimed that she never met anyone who never made friends had a long term relationship.

I'm not saying it is scientific or anything, just that it expresses my opinion about it in a decent way.



To the contrary. I never had any interest in dating or short term relationships, much less hook-ups or ONS. I believe that you become friends with a romantic partner AFTER you are done with the crush and the courtship phase. I've been married for 20+ years, and wife and daughter are my best friends. So I'm not arguing that you should not be friends with a partner, only that this doesn't come first. Which the article does too.

Has it occurred to you that there's no single, correct way to date?

Some people are friends first. Some people jump right into dating. Different strokes for different folks dude.

Wait, I didn't say never. I have 2 friends (well 4 if you count their partners) who pretty much went straight into dating on the second meet up because they liked each other so much, but they were introduced by mutual friends, so it's not unheard of to not be friends first.

But usually my friends who are couples, they hang about in a group of friends and slowly realised over time there was something mutual and more than friendship there.

There is such thing as "love as first sight."