Can you help who you fall for?

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kraftiekortie
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09 Jul 2016, 10:09 am

I like seeing the good in people. Yeah, I'm biased :ninja:

hurtloam
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09 Jul 2016, 11:30 am

Yeah, but most of your frequent interactions aren't with people you are instinctively attracted to, so no. It's a subconscious thing that gradually develops.

On the other hand, if you weren't instinctively attracted from the get go, it grows over time. I don't think I was initially attracted to any of the guys have had stronger feelings for. It took time before I realised I liked them more. And I only realised after interacting with them.

The thing is, I was having a conversation with a guy who was annoyed that sometimes women develop feelings out of the blue for a guy friend and he was annoyed that they do that when he just wants to be friends.

I was saying that they can't help it if they fall for you. They began to see who you were and liked what they discovered. You can't get annoyed at them for that.

rdos
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09 Jul 2016, 12:05 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.

No I don't agree. It's not about fantasies. You spend time with this real person doing mundane things and you begin to see who they are and what their personality is, how they interact with other people, and they tell you what they think about things and they respond to what you say and you realise that you like this person. You realise that over time you like them more. You want to talk to them more, you want to listen to them more. You enjoy who they are.

Just being around them and interacting with them makes the feelings grow.

Nope, doesn't work like towards the women I've had strong feelings for, and it appears it didn't work like that for the ND women either. For me, the infatuation happened very quickly, and it wasn't motivated by looks. For the girls, it typically happened later, as they found out more about me (through observation).

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

[Otherwise, if falling requires only frequent interaction with people then you would be falling for 10 persons at least at the same time.
Your mind biasedly is seeing one's good qualities.

It doesn't because for the guy it requires the woman to show interest, and do some specific things.

Bridgette77
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09 Jul 2016, 12:11 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.

No no, I disagree :p- you choose to make it grow because you found this person attactive from the very moment you met him, and you would be like "He's hot..." then while doing mundane things with him etc etc you would be like "... oh, and he's nice and has talents too, interesting...", in other term you seek for other good qualities in him to make it grow.

Otherwise, if falling requires only frequent interaction with people then you would be falling for 10 persons at least at the same time.
Your mind biasedly is seeing one's good qualities.

hahaha! Boo!

I don't think that's quite what she meant. But, yeah, if we fell for just anyone we interacted with, we'd be in trouble. But I rather agree with your colorful version!

Aspie1
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09 Jul 2016, 12:24 pm

hurtloam wrote:

On the other hand, if you weren't instinctively attracted from the get go, it grows over time. I don't think I was initially attracted to any of the guys have had stronger feelings for. It took time before I realised I liked them more. And I only realised after interacting with them.

(This response is also directed at Sweetleaf.) That was my intention with the college girl, the first girl ever to date me. I found her unattractive from the get-go, but since I didn't feel like anyone else will ever like me again, I hoped she'd grow on me over time. Or as I described back then, "learn to accept her lack of attractiveness and stop complaining".

None of that happened. Mostly because I later started finding her not only unattractive, but also boring. She didn't like any of the "going out"-type things I suggested. No exploring artsy neighborhoods, no trying trendy restaurants, no going on boat rides on the river; she just liked sitting in the campus courtyard, and maybe walking a few blocks for dinner. While I could "learn to accept her lack of attractiveness and stop complaining" about her looks, I couldn't do so with her introversion. But again, since I didn't feel like anyone else will ever like me again, I felt like I was destined to be in a boring relationship for years.

hurtloam
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09 Jul 2016, 12:43 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Yes. But you didn't find anything else about her appealing either, so couldn't fall for her. You are neither agreeing nor disagreeing with me.

I'm saying that I can become attracted to someone if I like the things they say and do. If I don't like the things they say and do I won't become attracted to them.

kraftiekortie
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09 Jul 2016, 12:44 pm

I agree with Hurtloam on this.

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Jul 2016, 12:56 pm

hurtloam wrote:

So the boyfriendzone exists?
Like zero attraction at first then suddenly lusting me and putting me in bf-zone?

ie "Oh no, I got bf-zoned by my two female friends and now they're fighting for me".

That would be... nice.

rdos
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09 Jul 2016, 3:23 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

,ie "Oh no, I got bf-zoned by my two female friends and now they're fighting for me".

That would be... nice.

Nah, it's not so nice. It can get real ugly, you know.

Aspie1
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09 Jul 2016, 4:50 pm

hurtloam wrote:

I suppose if I were to really analyze my feelings, there was really only one thing I found appealing about her: she liked me. So I guess I was trying to launch a relationship based on that alone---again, because I didn't think anyone else would like me.

hurtloam
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09 Jul 2016, 4:52 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Awwwwh

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Jul 2016, 6:08 pm

Quote:

Nah, it's not so nice. It can get real ugly, you know.

Gawd rdos, you turned out to be right, it's like I just hexed myself with this joke.

note: I am using italic instead of quote to bypass the captcha thing.

I just got back from a clubbing night, and a fight of like half hour happened between the sister of my friend ( well I just know her for a week, just a dancing partner, she isnt a romantic interest for me, and I did make it clear that nothing more than friendship a week ago...long story) and the friend of my ex (well, not really an ex gf...but an ex fwb...well, another long story anyway).

I was dancing with this friend, and an ex's friend and her cousin happened to be there, they recognized me and said hi to me, I said hi back as normal, then at some distance the ex's friend pulled out her phone and obviously took pictures of I dunno what.
The sister of my friend noticed that and she addressed me yelling You know that girl right??! Why she just took a picture of us??? .
I was like I dunno! - and she was like is she a friend of your gf spying on you?? (LOL) - and I was like I have no gf, she is a friend of a girl I dated before. Then she went straight to her and asked her to delete the photos, the other girl denied of taking any photo of me dancing with that girl , and they started to quarrel...loudly.

I told my partner to leave before things get worse but she told me not to worry, that everything will sort out... but it didn't, not before the girl eventually accepted to hand her phone so the yelling sister deletes the photo. The ex came later apologizing saying she doesn't approve her friend's action.

What a night.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 09 Jul 2016, 6:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Aspie1
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09 Jul 2016, 6:11 pm

hurtloam wrote:

Awwwwh

My thoughts exactly! But you gotta realize how young and sexually inexperienced I was. Back then, at 18, even hugging a girl was a big deal to me. So you can imagine how happy I was to finally have a girlfriend. I certainly didn't know the difference between the dry, banal hugs she used to give me, and great, expressive hugs I get now even from platonic friends. Heck, even later in college, I've gotten some nice hugs from girls I became friendly with (but wasn't interested in or felt they were out of my league, for one reason or another).

With how introverted she was, maybe she was even an aspie herself. But given how she went away to study in a new city, far from home, by herself, the odds of her having AS are pretty low.

hurtloam
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09 Jul 2016, 6:25 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Awwwwh

To be fair, I think that's common. The first bf/gf is usually someone who just wants to go out with you. It's rare for a teen romance to be anywhere close to "the real thing" whatever that is.

In other news... I need to up my hug game. I know what you mean about expressive hugs, I know them when I get them, but I'm usually taken by surprise by them and not at the right angle to respond properly. Ugh, hugs, that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Actually, I'll add that into the "things that make you fall for the other person" - affectionate hugs.

HighLlama
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09 Jul 2016, 7:03 pm

hurt loam wrote:

Actually, I'll add that into the "things that make you fall for the other person" - affectionate hugs.

Amen. I received a really nice one last week. It meant a lot to me and I could tell it did for her too--she squeezed pretty tight (in a good way). She's a bit older, so her hearing aid also made this sound in my ear since my head was close. That was definitely new for me, but pretty cute. I like how little things like that stick with you. They make even a simple life seem endlessly interesting.

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Jul 2016, 7:16 pm

It's all chemical reactions for breeding.

Viral human species....

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