Online dating is pointless as a guy

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You deny "vibes" but what you describe to be able so good at detecting is exactly the jumbo mumbo in media named as vibes.

Don't you roll your eyes at me. I never said offline dating was natural either.

We are talking about online dating here, the messaging part of it.

What? are you gonna claim that you can read body language in photos and texts?

Like Kraftie, I'm very glad online dating wasn't around in my time, I was actually addressing Hopper's point about people admitting they're very angry and bitter, yet claiming they hide it very well IRL. You know, trying to evaluate more objectively if they really do or even asking a friend about how they come across might actually help them

Knee jerk reaction much?

Knee jerk reaction from who?

It's still possible to come across as awkward in text.

Too formal, lack of age-appropriate slang, not being able to remain on one subject at a time (i.e. incapable of small talk), lack of flirting or playfulness, etc.

My aspie best friend and I, when speaking, don't stick to one topic. We're both fine with just jumping back and forth to different topics almost completely randomly.

I have noticed when speaking to N.T.'s in text, this isn't possible - small talk still has to have a natural flow and topic changes can't just be sudden and abrupt.

It's a matter of something like this:

"Hi, CJ. I had a lot of fun the other night, and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again soon? I was thinking we could go bowling and then maybe get some lunch after or somethin, where I can show you my sick moves. Lol. "

vs. something like this:

"Hello Catherine James. I wanted to inform you that I found great enjoyment in the recent non-platonic and intimate meet-up we had just had together yesterday. I was curious to know if you would be most interested in arranging another 'hangout' in the near future. I suggest we take part in a standard-length match of the traditional game of bowling, at a the appropriate establishment suited for such a game. Afterwards, perhaps I might purchase lunch for the pair of us. I would take great pleasure in participating as it would allow me to express my already existing skill within said game. I am amused at re-reading this to myself."

Take your pick.

Oh come on...no one texts like that.

You could have added "Live long and prosper \\//" at the end.

Of course you can read body language in photos!

And you can also infer and discern quite a bit from someone from their word and grammar and punctuation etc choices. No 'vibes'. No 'woo'. Is it stilted, with bite-size sentences? Choppy/jumpy in subject matter? Formal? Chatty? Passive or active voice? Too much punctuation (?!?!). Stream of consciousness no punctuation lol lol yeah I dunno. All these reveal character, and it could be character we appreciate or character we don't.

'Vibes' is used in the same way as we may say 'instinct', which is 'I know and observe and experience this thing happens, but I don't yet know how to explain it'.

Are you comfortable with the assertion that people 'naturally' look for health and wealth in their 'mates'? I take disagreement with it, but I understand it's a popular Darwinesque theory. Because if you do, by what means do you suppose they tell this health and wealth? Does one send certified facsimiles of bank balances, wage slips and testimonials from doctors and relatives as to personal health and the lack of inheritable family problems? Because I don't think the people who make this assertion have that sort of thing in mind. rather, they propose a (often unconscious, 'instinctive') preference for people who display the social cues for health and wealth. Or, if you will, on 'vibes'.

What goes on at the level of conscious, attentive awareness is but the tip of the iceberg as to what the brain does when making its way through the world. What we as individuals know is not summed up by that which we are presently aware we know.

Sherlock Holmes does not do 'vibes'. He does observation and deduction. Which is not to say that Holmes' powers and skills are available to everyone, nor his precision and speed, but it is to say that people can be 'read'.

Is this really a matter of incredulity for you? I thought the Aspie point was not that body language doesn't exist, but that we can have difficulty in reading it and being aware of our own.

I find that people frequently desire health in a person.

I find that people desire frequently financial security in a person--a small percentage desire "wealth."

I find that some people, however, desire to "heal" another person.

I find, as well, that some people really don't care about a person's financial status, as long as it doesn't get THEM into debt.

No.
That's too much mumbo jumbo for me.




Yet very limited.
You can know whether they're humorous, serious, or reserved....or whatever online mask they're putting.
You can assess what they're explicitly showing in their texts.

but you can't tell from texts if one is bitter/despaired/depressed or any other negative feeling if the person is not explicitly expressing or revealing this negativity in the texts (like I do sometimes here or like how other users do when they vent).
No way you will find it out otherwise.

In social settings (and in dating sites), people tend to hide those very well. There are so many people who are so funny and extrovert and positive in life, yet when you listen to the stuff they say when they're totally drunk - you may be shocked of the piles of negativity and s**t they keep inside.




But again, there's no body language in texts, and photos only show moment of poses.

Personally I like online dating because it's hard to meet people irl (I mean there's coworkers but... No) and I find it easier to be eloquent online. I have word salad issues sometimes irl and it's embarrassing for me. I also respond to some messages - by some I mean interesting ones. If someone opens with something about my appearance or is super generic when there's a ton of s**t on my profile you could use to start a conversation I'm probably not going to respond.

I feel that men would have better luck if they weren't lazy about how they message. Most women aren't comfortable with a complete stranger commenting on their appearance (and those are very common first messages from my experience) or they clearly didn't read womens profiles and just messaged them based on their pics.

I guess what I'm saying is show some personality and actually show interest in the person you're messaging by reading their damn profile.

Do men not do that? I've heard plenty of stories from men on this site about sending personalized messages and it going nowhere.

Of course, there's some men here, even the site owner from what I recall, that think men should be like factories, just pumping out requests to as many girls as possible and going on as many dates as possible until they just get lucky and find the right person. Seems like a degrading experience for everyone involved really, but some men swear by it.

And then there's a group of people who insist you should just abandon dating entirely and believe you'll just stumble upon a partner if you don't go looking for them.

What's a guy supposed to do with all this conflicting advice?

I think men are generally more vocal in an outwardly aggressive way when discontent. But I do agree that single women probably cope with singleness better than single men.

I've dated half a dozen or so girls through online dating sites but they were all mentally unstable and most of them weren't very good looking.

Most girls can get a date without using dating sites. Many of the ones who can't get a date in meatspace due to their looks go on dating sites.

How mentally stable they are is also a factor. I've dated some extremely reclusive and/or neurotic girls on dating sites. Some of them seemed to have Borderline Personality Disorder. If there were mentally healthier they'd be able to meet members of the opposite sex without a dating site. This also applies to me. If I was mentally healthier I'd also be able to meet members of the opposite sex without a dating site.

Just how do guys and girls hook up without dating sites anyway?

Statistically, most meet their partners through mutual friends, and very few through online dating (or even from the internet in general).

Unfortunately, most of us here have very few, if any friends at all, and our friends tend to be just as awkward and know just as few women as we do.

Other ways people meet their S.O.?

You're not gonna like it: University.

Also, work and/or volunteering, if you're lucky enough to have anyone even close to your age, let alone anyone of the opposite sex at all (looking at you, IT and Engineering!)

Church, if you're religious (if not, don't even think about it. Faking religiousness isn't worth it).

But also bars and nightclubs, which drive away the vast majority of us immediately.

Some meet through meetups and clubs and groups, but the world isn't New York and filled with a million different groups to join for every individuals interest, in which Aspies tend to have very rare or obscure interests not held by the vast majority of people, and there are some hobbies/interests where no such group exists - there's no 'Biology lover's' group or 'Local Philosophers group' in most places. Some hobbies/interests require university to meet anyone even vaguely interested the same subject as well, but uni is expensive.

Start my own group? Lol, I'd need at least one friend nearby to do that. I have no such thing.

There's also concerts, which also tend to be sensory hell for us.

Also, in this generation at least, almost every young person these days, and even many middle-aged people, do NOT take their eyes of those damned screens, so even in situations where it's okay to approach women, it's unlikely she won't be on her phone and/or have earphones in her ears and not have what appears to be a Resting B*tch Face.

Grocery stores, gyms and public transportation are generally considered inappropriate places to try and meet others or approach women.

Libraries are possible, but a challenge because you mustn't be too noisy, and must have a reason to approach the other person.

What's left?

Certain restaurants, coffee places, shopping centres, and bookstores.

The beach is a bit of a challenge if you don't exactly have the body for it.

But again, all men and women are different. Some would absolutely LOVE to be approached in these places, others would HATE it.

Do it anyway.

My rule of thumb is, except for grocery shops, 99% of places and situations at night (the only exceptions for approaching at night are bars, nightclubs, possibly certain concerts, etc.), public transport and gyms, disregard what women say and approach anytime, anywhere in open, public, well-lit, broad daylight places where there shouldn't be any reason you make her uncomfortable if you were to approach her politely and obviously don't be a creep because the second you cross the line she could call for help and every man, woman and child in the vicinity will rush to her aid.

Unfortunately, cold approaching, that is approaching strangers for friendship/love, statistically also has a very, very low probability of working.

I think it should be a last resort, but don't avoid it altogether.

Many of us may very well HAVE to resort to cold-approaching because almost every other possible way to meet women does not exist for us.

Last edited by Outrider on 21 Aug 2016, 6:07 am, edited 2 times in total.