Do we have a chance at dating the really attractive ones?

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Easy for you.

First of all, you haven't dated since you were 29. Back in those days there were less obese people than there are nowadays.

Second of all, you live in NYC. A very career minded city. A city not well suited to lazy people. People with a good work ethic are also likely to have a good workout ethic. People who can resist slacking off can also resist having a second and third donut (because the most successful people are the people who can deal with delayed gratification to get a greater reward at a later time).

Not me. I'm not smart enough to be a doctor.

This is exactly right. I am worried about how people will see me based on who they see me with.

Also for my own benefit. A pretty girl will enhance my self-esteem even when third parties aren't observing us because I'll know I was good enough to partner with a pretty girl. Sometimes I try to impress other people but most of all I want to impress myself. I want to do things I once thought impossible.

Also for reasons pertaining to sex. Sex would be more enjoyable with a girl I'm physically attracted to, no? The obese girl I was with before was fully functional downstairs. We could do it without any physical impairment but wouldn't it be more enjoyable if she was smokin' hot?

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 07 Dec 2016, 6:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I can too be confident while dating. I can also abstain from whining and complaining while dating.I have a stable job that pays $55,000 per year (plus overtime plus bonus plus a small government stipend), I live in a nice apartment on the top floor with a nice view. I can be confident when I need to be. I'm taller than the average man. I have a large, muscular build. I'm good in bed. I can be helpful. For example, I offered to drive with this girl I like to Melbourne this weekend. I've also been providing her with emotional support, praise, empathy, etc. I've noticed that lately she's been a lot sweeter on me

That is definitely true but I'm not sure how far I should take it.

As I said in my other thread, I'm seriously considering going back to college next year. My social worker is against it because he says if I have zero free time I'll no longer be enjoying life. i.e., I'll be living to work, not working to live.

I'm not sure whether or not it would lead to promotion. Not guaranteed. It would leave me with very little time for dating and surely in a relationship, girls want guys who can spend time with them.

I'm worried if I get really tired it will actually reduce my job performance. On the other hand it would increase my self-respect. I know self-improvement is good but I'm really on the fence about this.

Except it's not just empty platitudes. It's easy to say that it is when you don't find yourself on the winning side. It takes having an open mind and more patience than a lot of people have to get there, but that advice is repeated so often because it actually does work. I'm a chronic loser, so the few wins I get in life are a HUGE deal. That's in every area of life, not just in relationships! Maybe the payoff or reward is not what, say, many NTs get, but it's more helpful focusing on the little successes than the frequent big fails. Else what is there to live for?

(And, honestly, NTs don't have it that much better. They are more in the habit of focusing on positives, which gives the illusion of perpetual winning. You won't see all the fails, but those are ultimately insignificant compared to what is most important in life.)

First off, I enjoy reading your posts. Good stuff!

I tend to agree with your social worker. If I were you, I wouldn't go back to school unless the company I work for pays for it.

The best ones always do. I get essentially a free vacation every year with my family because of a leadership conference I attend every year. I do take it seriously, learn new things, network, get motivated, and all that. And I'd be willing to pay for it myself. But it's nice knowing the people I work for care enough to do that for me. If I ever decide to go for a doctorate, I don't intend to pay one red cent for it!

Not to fight over this but it's simply something I do not feel, I don't know how I make myself proud over things I deeply resent. I do feel I have been patient but I don't feel that young and I think people need to find some sort of purpose or meaning in their life because what is the point otherwise? 'Getting better' is a purpose but not unless you actually get better or make steady progress, you got to have some sort of reward at the other end for having done this to yourself. I don't see the positives and it gives me no joy, what I value as truly important in life and how I define the true level of personal success is by the relationships and family a person has. I keep doing this because I don't want to let people down and I have no where else to go. Somehow my life has to change for the better or I have to become unmental, not easy tasks. I don't feel optimistic about my life, I fear the future, I know a lot of people probably feel that way but most probably are better off than me to begin with. How can someone be happy killing themselves trying to get some sense of 'normalcy' when they come home to nothing? I feel intensely judged by others, I can't read people and I assume the worst always, it causes me a lot of pain to receive any assistance which is about as soul crushing of a process as possible. I am not comfortable around most other people at all.

Why such hate for big people? I'm not saying you have to be attracted to them but they are certainly not down grade. Everyone has that one thing and at least they can lose the weight whereas if your with someone who has extreme mental health issues it will always be prevelant.

Also many bigger people are very attractive

I do agree that many (asd) are plain looking, and I think that a lot of people on the spectrum tend to not put as much effort into their appearance. Although, there are also many neurotypicals that are also plain looking and nothing spectacular to look at.

That being said, people on the spectrum are a minority. There is a lot less selection and probability of finding someone attractive (uncommon), vs unattractive (common).

I think that there is a shot in getting a good-looking partner even if you aren't a neurotypical, but it does help to take care of yourself and look the best you can when trying to.

I'm sure that stress/anxiety/physical/eating disorders/etc; could play a part in poor physical condition (obesity), but not everyone on the spectrum are overweight.

I guess it depends on your definition of bigger, I am like 5'7" and about 140ish lbs(despite that I am very conscious about my weight, it is an obsession I can thank my dad for hahaha) maybe a bit less so bigger to me is probably not the same to someone twice me size. Thanks for the encouragement about the mental health issues tho!

I wasn't bashing mental health issues I have enough of them myself. I was just saying why is something that why is it seen as worse?. I also did say extreme.

There's always someone going to be doing something stupid while driving. You have to drive defensively; that is, eyes everywhere, but especially on the tires. You can tell which direction they're heading by the direction of the tires. And look at the other driver's to see where they're looking.
Also it is imperative to feel the car as an extension of yourself. Like that guy in the machine in Avatar. Practice, practice, practice.
And it's best to learn with an automatic.

Anyway, with regard to the topic, the reason people pair up is to make themselves stronger, not weaker. There is no incentive to take on a person who will be a burden (unless you love them for some reason.)

I don't think "normal" people have a good chance with the really attractive ones either.

I think your best chance of success is to be different, but in a good way.

No they don't. The really attractive ones tend to stick with other really attractive ones. The average ones stick with other average ones, and so forth.

Forgive me as I haven't really been following the entire thread, I don't know what OP or some other poster has been saying but I don't believe that being overweight or even being obese is seen as worse in the public eye or in relationships. I am sure there are people attracted to every body type, I see evidence of it in front of my face every day when I leave the house because most people are not models not even close. Mental illness, severe or otherwise, I think face much more interpersonal discrimination than those that are simply overweight. Treat others the way you want to be treated, that is the Golden Rule, I don't think it would be right to demand something out of a partner that the same could not be demanded out of you so it doesn't make a lot of sense for someone that is overweight to discriminate against other overweight people. People are attracted to different things but I don't believe that is innate or hardwired into us, what people find attractive can change. I feel bad for people that say they find over 90% of people unattractive, those seem like impossible high standards and a bit of egotism themselves.

Some guys fantasize too much, it is true. There are certainly people I am not attracted to physically but I think probably the most attractive thing is just someone being interested in you so as I said things can change. There is no rushing torrent of 'ugly' girls going my way so I don't know why some people feel the way they do. Perhaps I'm just that clueless and have no idea. It seems like people in general do like initiating conversations as much anymore which only makes things more difficult for me,

Discrimination against a 'condition' that I was born with really hurts, I read these things and I really should about how bad guys are on the spectrum and they're not inaccurate in all of what they say as some of those things a lot of us struggle with but I think what hurts the most is the idea from these people that us on the spectrum can't change or try to alter their behavior because that is what I am doing with my life right now. It's a label and it's very stigmatized and mental illnesses even worse, no you don't want to be upfront with people when you carry around that stigma.