"You're such a sweet guy..."

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Believe me, I understand this. The equivalent of "You're a great guy, and you'll be the perfect guy for some girl, just not for me." Heard it enough times myself. I like the fishing rod bit, and to keep going with that, sometimes if you throw out the fishing rod, a fish will jump right into your hands.

It sounds ridiculous, or not all that comforting, or convincing, but sometimes it just, idunno, "happens." Has a whole one time for me, and, granted, that ended in disaster (story for another day), but that was proof enough to me that it can happen. Even if you aren't having the best of luck currently, that could change overnight, or more rapidly than that.

If I actually went out regularly (as in, not to my gaming group) with a bunch of friends, I'd probably be in a better situation. As it is, I have neither a large enough group of friends nor the ideal situation in which to go out, so I'm sorta stuck.

However... I have made contact with a local support group, so we'll see where that leads, I guess.



There's an easy solution to this, you know. Turn the computer off, and go and do something else if you're that hacked off. Play some video games, read a book, pet a dog, whatever takes your fancy.

Whatever you choose, it's bound to be easier on your pulse.

Last edited by MrSinister on 27 May 2007, 12:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

once i heard two girls talking about me, without them knowing i listen to their conversation, that i would be a good husband one day. i don't have a clue how to use a fishing rod either, i don't even care, because i know that they are good in fishing, but i want to be caught now!

I see where you're coming from. There are more powerful and pervasive influences to contend with, for sure. But I still disagree with the notion that we may as well not worry about our own piece of the puzzle. The sum of a problem is only made up of its parts, and we are quite powerful in the extent to which we contribute (or refrain from contributing) to any given good or evil.

This isn't a perfect analogy... but in Central America 95% of the population throws litter in the streets. When the heavy winter rains begin, much of this garbage is carried to the water supply, tainting it and making people ill. I still wouldn't recommend contributing to the litter while there, just because one person's efforts won't make an immediately visible difference.

What would be a better approach, for a girl who must let a guy down? I'm not being snarky--this is something I've honestly wanted to know for a while. You're right--the "You're a great guy, but..." line seems to upset (most) guys a lot or even make them very angry. Due to this, I get very apprehensive when I know I have to tell someone I would not like any further romantic attention. I am not entirely convinced that this is within my realm of responsibility... the guy may well be upset no matter how I phrase it. But is there a more gentle way to tell someone you're not interested?

of course there is! say it without that crap about the guy being great! just say the truth, don't go around. the guy is not interested about listening to how great he is if that is no help in his current relationship! just say you don't think he is good for you, that you didn't find in him what you were looking for and it won't upset him so much.

Last edited by tomamil on 27 May 2007, 12:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Unfortunately, when I tried this no-nonsense approach, the guy accused me of thinking he is a horrible person and totally freaked out on me.

I think that's where a lot of girls get the idea to throw in the "you're really nice" part. We don't want to make nice men think that we find them repulsive or bad. We just want to communicate that we're not right for one another.

(I do hope the thread isn't closed. I think there are a lot of useful things in it.)

well, the truth would work for me without getting upset. telling me that i am not the right guy for you, would leave me without any argument to discuss and since there is nothing to do about it, i would do nothing. i guess it's up to you to guess who might get upset with what. i guess the guy who freaked out on you wasn't an aspie...

A simple "no thank you" would be better. Saying "You're a great guy, but..." is like a double rejection. Getting turned down is one thing - I'm totally kosher with that - but getting turned down and then hearing the girl tell you that you'd be a great catch... for somebody else? That's just twisting the knife.

I am not sure if it's my femininity or my deficiency in understanding some kinds of social nuances which is to blame, but I still don't understand why the "you're nice" part hurts. I'll trust you guys' take on the matter, however.

Great description, the fishing rod thing. I agree, it doesn't make any difference how many fish there are in the sea, or how picky you are on the topic of fish, etc, if you are unable to catch any. In the meantime, there are people catching tons of fish that complain bitterly about how they're not catching as much salmon as they'd like.



I've not been told that, but I agree witht his quote completely. It's a bit like being told 'There must be someone out there so desperate that they'd actually consider you a great catch. Not me, obviously.' I know it's not usually meant like this, it's trying to soften the blow, but it's actually counterproductive. The point is, if you've been rejected many times, you won't consider yourself a great catch.

I dunno if that analogy can be carried that far. I would consider a bad match to be much worse than being alone, whereas in terms of eating, any food is better than no food.



That helped me understand better. Thanks!

True - what I meant was, there are people that get partners that, while not perfect, are ok (pleasant company, not hideous) but complain they don't find a soulmate that is also a supermodel, while some of us are unable to find anything.

It is more of a "If I'm so damn great, why aren't you interested?" issue. I don't know if there really is a good way to do it, because no matter how it is done, rejection is involved.

I guess the short answer would be "There isn't a good way to do it." Well, good, nice, I'm not sure what the best word choice would be.

Yeah. It's like when a female friend says "Oh, I wish my boyfriend was more like you!" while bitching about how awfully her knuckle-dragging significant other behaves.

The automatic mental response to that is "Well, I'm like that 24/7. Why don't you start going out with me?!"

The answer to that, of course, is that inevitably the woman in question doesn't want you, she wants her boyfriend with pieces of you spliced in.



Sometimes I think letting somebody down gently is worse than a straight negative answer.

Disclaimer: what follows is not politically correct, nor does it say that "all" women or "all" men behave in certain ways. It's just an observation about a trend.

There is another side to the "let's just be friends" story, and one which very few men think about. Yes, I'm sure you got your feelings hurt, but did you think about hers?

You broke the law of the harem.

You crept into the harem, wearing a eunuch's robe, doing eunuch s**t, and expect to be rewarded with what the sultan has to pay for. Well, it doesn't work that way. If you think that a woman's idea of being seduced is a man sneaking into her life through the back door, you have a lot of romantic fiction to catch up on. Once you put that eunuch's robe on, that labels you in her mind permanently. Permanently. And she will find it most disturbing if you try to change the situation.

I'm sure you went home fuming about what a b***h she was, how she led you on, etc. But while you were doing that, she was sitting there thinking about how her bowels heaved when she saw that hard-on sticking out from under your eunuch's robe. At that moment, she realised that you were in her life under false pretences. Not as a sexless friend come to comfort her, but as a man come to take her. A man who didn't have the spunk to use the front door. Like it or not, that creeps a woman out to the very core of her soul. So she gave you the "let's be friends" speech.

Women actually do know how much that hurts a man. They do it on purpose. It's the mental version of a kick in the balls. That's a woman's instinct - when cornered by a dangerous man, kick him in the balls. On a more positive level, it's a lesson: next time you fancy a woman, try the front door. Make it plain you're after sex and, without sex, there's going to be no friendship. She might be interested. Or she might tell you to go to hell - but at least that isn't as humiliating as "let's just be friends".

Now, I'm not blaming you for doing what you did. The Aspie mind is literal and logical. The idea of friendship blossoming into sex seems absolutely sensible to us. But it simply isn't how the NT world works. You're expected to show your intentions honestly from the beginning. And if that means getting shot down in front of a bar full of people, so be it. Women don't give themselves to a man who's scared of that. To us, the idea that you have to be combative and uncompromising with a potential lover seems crazy. Yet that's how nature designed it.

Browse through this forum and go searching for the seduction websites. They'll tell you all sorts of useful tips for avoiding this horrible situation. Beware - at first, they will fill you with rage at the perverse soul of woman. But hey - don't we love the smell of their dirty underwear? That infuriates women just as much, and so do a thousand other things about the male soul.

Comkeen, I've been in your situation before, more than once. I know how much it hurts. You can get over it, and you can have more interesting relationships with women. Good luck for the future, and remember - the front door! The front door!