Aspie friend withdrawal

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What? I don't understand what you are saying.

None of us like seeing that - people are good in general, nonetheless some people get told off from looking after one another & invite doubt about their experience of empathy.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Sorry, I still don't understand your meaning. What I was referring to in my post was about how I really truly fail to understand what is going on here, and I feel like a total outsider for not getting this. But when a person (NT) is extremely hurt by another person's (Aspie) withdrawal and dismissal of said hurt, and this is known to the Aspie because that hurt and the reason for it was made clear to the Aspie, I don't understand what is gong on in the head of the Aspie such that they withdrawal even deeper into the shadows, the root cause of the hurt in the first place. I am so confused! I really just don't understand, and it just feels like, at least in my case, like I never meant anything to him and he meant the world to me. I do think it is related to Asperger's and not that he just never cared, but I just really truly don't understand it nor do I know what to do about it.

I think we tend to know or assume the whole uncomfortable distance was on us in the first place, ergo aspies must instead focus on making amends quietly in the background rather than pushing envelopes socially.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I am just really hurt and don't know what to do to help him or to help me. How can one make amends without contact? I'm really lost. I know he's a good person. I don't understand. What does the Aspie want in this scenario? I just think it is so sad, for the both of us, that here is someone standing there wanting so badly to care for this person and he's just pushing that away and I don't know why.

I empathize with you, and understand your feelings, profoundly. It, likely, isn't a case of 'allowing' you to hurt/be alone while you are hurt. Perhaps, he is unaware of what it feels like to feel the feelings that you are experiencing. Perhaps, if he knew, he would want to make you feel better about things/to reassure you. He might find emotions too daunting or tiresome, and he might lack the ability to change that about himself. It wouldn't necessarily, be due to not caring for you/about you. If he has feelings for you, and the awareness that you feel hurt, as you said you had mentioned to him, his emotions could be confusing to him, or far, too intense for him to manage at the present time. All, of which, could trigger the need to isolate himself. Away from the world, literally. He might require extended periods of time, alone, to recharge. This is normal and nothing to worry, over. But, easier said than done, initially, I do know. With that said, you are solely, responsible for your feelings, in the end. Not your friend. Indeed, another person we have formed a connection with, can trigger certain feelings within us. But, whatever feelings we experience, they already exist within us, and, another person, would only have the ability to cause them to surface. But, I am getting off track. I am an Aspie/HFA, but, I understand, very well, what you must be experiencing, as I experienced similar, while the friendship I spoke of, earlier, was blossoming and I had said something that caused my friend to go away for 6 weeks. Don't let that worry you, though. Six weeks, from what I understand, is somewhat, unusual.

Assuming that your friend is simply, taking some time, away - if you keep an open mind (and heart), accept the parts of your friendship, that you are powerless, over, practice kindness (which appears to come naturally to you), love and patience with both, your friend and yourself, your chances of a lasting friendship, in return, will be promising. The difficulties that you have been experiencing will become miniscule in comparison to the pleasure you will experience in a relationship with an Aspie. ~Good wishes to you.

In an NT world, the current scenario very clearly points to "it's completely utterly, definitively over". In an Aspie world it might be "just a withdrawal" or it might be "it's completely, utterly, definitively over". With no words from the Aspie at all, not even a "I'm working things out, but I'm still here", how is the NT supposed to cope with not knowing which it is? It just keeps getting more painful without knowing. If you knew there was something you were waiting for, it would be different. But I could find myself waiting for something that will never happen.

But they are not necessarily just your problems. I'm not questioning your empathy here, but I am curious what you think about the pain the other person is going through (assuming you know that there is pain there, because, say, you were told about it). Also, and I don't mean this in a negative way, I really am just trying to understand, but when you feel you've got everything worked out on your own, when you return, do you expect the other person to be equally fine? What if they're not, as a result of the distance? At that point, are you ready to help them cope or to comfort them about what your distance caused them? Because, I assure you, they're not over it.

c-berg, your descriptions/explanations have been enlightening, and they've provided me with more food for thought. ...not that they were intended for me, of course, but, never the less, I've appreciated them ...

Well they're intended for whomever's asking to answer some of this at least using knowledge of self. I know when I disappear it's a path of least resistance to keep from imposing anything on anyone, that plus copious amounts of time for book learning - everyone expects me on the ball as much as I do.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

All the responses are much appreciated.

*deleted post | redundant