Does not thinking about dating mean the bullies have won?

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Perhaps you can, and others can be perfectly happy alone with their hobbies never seeing or talking to another human. Hermits.

I however and many others can't. Likewise some people can be happy with just friends while others will never be happy without a romantic partner. People's way of happiness is different. There's no universal happiness equation. My problem is when people try to force their happiness path on others and say there's only one way to happiness. Especially when they have a romantic partner, friends basically full life and tell me to be happy alone in my tiny bedroom with my hobbies. wish such a thing was possible, but I'm a social human, I thrive on social interactions, romantic partner being the most important. I was happier when I had friends in high school but never truely fully happy.

I envy hermit people but most people can't live that way and be happy. It's why humans create societies and cities.

Well you need to take away her access to your account, if it is your account you certainly have that authority over it. Contact your bank and get your pin number changed. If you absolutely can't do that then open a new account somewhere else and contact SSI with the new direct deposit info so they can deposit it into that account instead..and don't give your mom any info to access the new account with.

Also regardless of what your mom thinks some women aren't on the pill, and if that is the case you will need a condom. Seems like she has some rather sexist views, as well as being a control freak and holding you back...you have to put your foot down at some point, she's not going to change.

Yes.

I don't deny that full-on disconnection is nigh impossible in modern society, not if you want to maintain a certain standard of living. The books you read, the music you listen to, even the materials used to build your house or the fertilizer for your crops if you were to truly attempt to detach from society are the fruits of the labour of other people at one point. That doesn't bother me, and that is not what is usually meant when one talks about solitude or living alone. I am talking about the lack of emotional bonds between oneself and others. I am fine with abstract, distant and unemotional bonds; I do not feel that they encroach on my independence. I merely wanted to encourage OP to look beyond what is expected of him in order to fulfill himself. It may not be for him, but that is a valid avenue.



Fair play. I sometimes have trouble realizing that not everyone can do the things I do and live the way I live. It's easy for me to view the world through a one-size-fits-all lens : mine.

Axis II on my diagnosis was schizoid personality disorder and I definitely have a few traits pertaining to this condition. I think these personality traits definitely colour my experience.

That being said, I maintain my stance. Even for someone who isn't me and needs lots of social interaction, it's better to have very good friends than a girlfriend and OP should start there if he can't see himself living the lonely life.

The only times I have had a chance of getting close to a date was when I was not rushing my chances of dating the person. You have to be in the friend zone before you can date someone. That is just how it is. Sweet talking a stranger into a date is a terrible idea. Most people who go on dates have known the person as a friend for a couple of years before dating, but there are exceptions, but I wouldn't know because I have not been in that person's shoes and that could be rare.

What would confuse me is the conflicting views people gave me. Some would say you have to start romantic intentions right away or the girl will think you are uninterested, others say you need to be friends first or she will think you are coming on too strongly. I've also seen people, especially my older brother, get into new relationships soon after the previous one has finished. One guy in the meet up group I've attended on and off broke up with a girl there and a few months later had a new girlfriend. Something similar happened with another guy and his ex-girlfriend soon got a fiancé. The same guy started coming with a new girlfriend but they had some distance between themselves for some reason.

That's because you're only seeing the surface, that moment when people get together. It's not as magical as it seems.

It CAN be. But usually not. I knew a girl who'd hop from one abusive, opioid-addicted guy to another. And they were oh-so-in-looooooove. I don't mean to generalize, but that's just what happens when you move things too fast with people you don't really even know.

Stick with women you know casually. Hang out. Frequently. And see who keeps coming back. Simple as that. The more of these you have, the quicker you'll move into new relationships. I don't recommend that, though. The rebound is never a good time to glom onto some other girl. Give it 4-6 weeks and call up that other girl. See if she wants to hang out. After 3 dates you'll know if it's right.

I don't entirely disagree, it's possible, but very difficult and usually an exception and not the rule.

I have few close friends and am not close with much family as well as having no lover but I do get by.

I do feel very lonely and depressed for a good chunk of my day but for now I can tolerate it, but I'm not sure if I'll feel this way forever.

Did you say you have Schizoid Personality Disorder? That explains a lot, because I have heard many with this condition are capable of having no attachments and feeling satisfied this way.

That's pretty much Bible Belt dating in a nutshell.

I don't have any female friends in my age range besides my younger brother's fiancée.

I don't believe I have it per se, but I have many traits such as it was envisaged as a possibility during my diagnosis. Once the psychiatrist found out I had Asperger's syndrome, SPD was not brought up again. However, I think I have a similar viewpoint because of the traits I share with the condition. Unlike a real schizoid I can be open with my inner world and I feel it is beneficial for me to share it with others, but I do so only anonymously. This gives me the feeling that my intimacy is adequately protected. This way if I ever feel I'm getting too close, I can easily burn the bridge.

It's not that I don't like people (I generally don't but I try to be open-minded), it's more that I feel attachments are a burden on my life. I like being able to do anything I want within the boundaries of the law without having to explain or justify myself to anybody and this freedom of action is worth the price of not having anybody to rely on. Having experienced relationships, I know that they place heavy burdens on people, truly heavy burdens. I think these burdens are out of proportion with the benefits. As I wrote, I think that nearly everything a relationship can give you can be found elsewhere in better and/or cheaper form. So that's why I recommended to OP that he not worry about "letting the bullies win" (in reality, letting society strong arm him into a path to happiness that may or may not fit him). I don't mean that he should try nigh-hermit mode like me, but simply try to experience life without Damocles' sword over his head, worrying about whether or not he lives up to expectations that aren't his to begin with. I used my example because it is expected of people to have a social net, and it is expected they will feel terrible if they don't, whereas I find it rather liberating. I wasn't always like that and I also used to languish over having no girlfriend/little close friends. That led me to make a bunch of terrible choices in life. That could have been avoided if only I had listened to myself and what I really wanted.

In any case, if he figures he wants a girlfriend later on, for himself and not because people told him he would never have one, it's better he learns to live contentedly with himself first. I think a lot of relationships fail because men stake everything on their girlfriends and become dependent. Women do not appreciate that.

I always took loneliness as being a bad thing instead of enjoying my solitude. Loneliness seems to get portrayed as a state of despair or as something sinister in popular media.

Yes, this is how popular culture portrays solitude, and there's some truth to it.

To live in solitude and yet still be happy is a skill that is acquired after much introspection and practice. For most people it is not a natural state of being. It comes easily to some, for others it's harder and for yet others (extroverts) it's impossible.

The trick is to make every moment of your day productive. Not productive as in you have to go out and work, but productive in the sense that it contributes to your well-being and allows for a sense of achievement. Read books, partake in your favourite hobby, learn new skills, play video games, beat high scores. An apocryphal quote floating around says "if you feel lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company". Your goal is to improve that company. If you focus on yourself and what makes you happy it's pretty rare that you'll feel sad in my experience.

That being said, I think it is an important skill to learn even if you decide you want a girlfriend later on. As I wrote, a lot of guys become dependent on their girlfriends. Girls do not like dependent men, whether materially or emotionally. If you learn to be happy, truly happy alone then it will be easier to attract and keep a girlfriend because you won't be dependent on her and she'll perceive that. If she feels like she is an addition to your life instead of the center of your life she will be more likely to stick around. Perhaps it sounds a bit counter-intuitive but it's the truth; it's not about treating her badly but about treating her with some nonchalance, not being a yes-man and not validating her constantly.

Finally I think it'd do you good also to clear up your motives. If you feel like not thinking about dating means that the people who bullied you win out in the end then I don't think you are approaching this with the correct point of view. Unless you have dependents then you should always place yourself first and do what you want within the boundaries of the law. To my knowledge there is no law that requires us to have girlfriends. You should want to date because you want to date and want to find somebody to share part of your life with, not because not doing so is an arbitrary defeat in an arbitrary system of norms (that aspies tend to violate with every step they take anyway). If you go in with a focus on pleasing others and not thinking of yourself then you will settle outside of a range that is healthy or fair; you might end up in a really bad relationship and cling to it because you don't want to be that guy who doesn't have a girlfriend since you feel it would diminish your worth in the eyes of others.

If you want to, use the time you spend alone to think about why you would want a relationship and what kind of person you'd want to be with. If you come to the conclusion that you don't want one after all then that's perfectly fine and it'll be all the easier to ignore the societal pressures that consider life-long bachelors as losers. If you do want one then take care to respect yourself by respecting the criteria you've set for yourself.

I'm not saying that what I'm suggesting will definitely work for you but I think it's worth a try for anybody.

I agree with every single sentence you have written in this thread citoyenlambda, and I feel the exact same way. You articulated very well, what I often find very hard to explain.

I always found it hard to be alone unless I was tired or just completely burned out from the day. The last times I went to music shows, the wait before seeing the band was hard to deal with because I'd see other people in company with each other while I was a lost soul. I'd see couples making out and going into dark corners to have sex while my anxiety would surge up in my body. I wondered why I have to go through a lonely existence while most of the other guys at the show had girlfriends with them.

I don't really want approval from society. I have no desire to be one of the "cool kids" who, despite their flashy appearances, are very shallow inside because they don't know how to be themselves but clones of what society expects them to be. I just want a loving partner.

It feels like the guys who terrorized me have the freedom of choice while I am told I need to change who I am. But I can not stop thinking about my singlehood.