Will I have to become what I hate?

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I'm not sure if it ever was different. Sure old people may talk in a more romantic way about how relationships were when they were young, but the reality of it often wasn't more pretty than now. Granny thought 'I must have him or no one. He is the one. He is my true love'. Grandpa made all those romantic gestures, treated her like a princess, but in fact grandpa had fallen in love with granny's sister and grandpa thought 'Well, she'll be a better mother than her sister' and he knew she had fallen in love with him but he thought 'women should make decisions with their heat, but men should make rational decision' - a rational decision was marrying the woman who was better for his social status, not the one he had fallen in love with.

Anyway, I don't think there was a time when most relationships were based on mutual love. Yet, all the pretense and lies make me more hesitant about dating-sites. It seems even more likely to end up with someone who pretends to love but would just rather be with anyone than single, and may like 90% of women better than the one he ends up with.


One night stands and fwb can at least be honest. I think it's better than a fake relationship full of lies and fake affection. However, I don't really want one night stands - the only out of these three things that would probably not be difficult for me to get if I wanted.

On relationships, you’ve pretty much got it figured out. You’re just missing the nuance. Two people tend to see something in each other that’s complementary, a sense of “other half.” What makes THIS one more compatible, or that one more compatible with more people? If you can’t evaluate yourself in terms of what uniqueness or what qualities you have to offer, finding someone is going to be more difficult.

Getting to know a larger number of women on a strictly friends basis first helps get around that. My wife was defo my “type”: petite, attractive, great personality. But defo NOT in my “league” (nice clothes, upper middle class parentage, etc.). She’d been good friends with my ex, was dating one of my frat brothers, and she became interested in me because she found I was nothing like what everyone else said I was. She wasn’t the only girl I’d been talking to at that time. She was just the only one it happened to work out with.

More people interacting give you both the best chance to evaluate the better deal. It’s not so much sex in exchange for protection as it is sex with HER/protection by HIM. And that’s just the model you mentioned...basically, do you offer each other what each other wants? I prefer to think of it as “Do you make each other feel important?” Sex is the easiest and most obvious way to achieve that, but there are other ways to provide the same gratification. And that’s where it gets tricky. Be generous with your time and become good at listening. That’s a pretty good start.

What would be your purpose in Iraq though?

I like this advice as it gets past the attraction side of things and goes on to explain there is far more to a satisfactory relationship that an exchange of basic primative needs.
We all have many needs and much to offer a potential partner.
Listening is an art and needs to be nurtured.

'Do you make each other feel important?' is an excellent question to put out there and provoke reflection. Bravo Mr AngelRho.

But if they're both happy with a relationship like that then it's not wrong, right?

I mean I don't want a relationship like that, but why should I be bitter if someone else does? They have the right to be happy the way they want to just like I do.

According to women and society I have nothing to offer a partner. Maybe if I was a woman I would. But I have nothing to offer women. I’m not a real man.

To die. Though im sure I’d killed terrorist on the way. Soldiers kill and take ground, bunch die in the process. Dying protecting another soldier would been a good death. Far better then a long pointless lonely life then dying.

Hell no. My mother has had four marriages in her life and she doesn't realize the common factor in all of them is herself.

I understand them. They are loud, aggressive, and anti-intellectual.

I've tried a few relationships in my life and they can be good. It's difficult and I can't cope or understand them too well. I last dated a lady who seemed to want to cure me. It was really frustrating. It is possible to enjoy a relationship though and benefit from them in many ways. I think it's worth trying, at least most of the time. I seem to be a little more attractive to the opposite sex now then I was in my youth, don't know why that is.

I've tried a few relationships in my life and they can be good. It's difficult and I can't cope or understand them too well. I last dated a lady who seemed to want to cure me. It was really frustrating. It is possible to enjoy a relationship though and benefit from them in many ways. I think it's worth trying, at least most of the time. I seem to be a little more attractive to the opposite sex now then I was in my youth, don't know why that is.

I don't think it's possible to become a fake you. It's a sign that it's not a good thing if you feel you have to go this far.

There is no need for a relationship to be fake. They aren't mostly fake. It's just neuro typical people say stuff. I fall down here. It's not fake it's something else. A complicated language where very powerful words are thrown out in a trivial way. I agree it's confusing. I think if you're interested in relationships, you should do it. A safe place is often a good thing to have. It can be terrible when it goes wrong.

I get told to be myself but at the same time "Don't do this, don't do that" which is confusing.

If being ourselves was good, then we wouldn't be single. Obviously some of us have no choice but to become fakes.

So true
I need to learn how to lie