Why must romance involve offerings?

Post Reply New Topic

Ah well, I don't have a bird.

GA

I wouldn't mind paying for everything she wants for her entire life, but i fear how she will percieve those acts, and i really dont want to have the idea at the back of my head that she wouldnt like me if i didnt buy her crap.

I think the best thing my boyfriends ever given me is his love. He's taken me on a few dates and he's paid for other things but thats the thing he's given me I treasure the most.

I like him the way he is, he is more domenent than me, stronger than me and can protect me, I like that in a guy because I feel safe, but he's not overly-domenent, eg, if I wear an outfit he considers to be innapropriate he'll be blunt and tell me but he can be so sweet and can call me out of the blue, eg the other morning when he could have stayed in bed but insted he got up early to call me.

Or when I was ill and had my migrane he came to see me the very next day. Sometimes I forget all the things he's done for me but other times when I do remember I'll tell him how much I appriciate him.

I love him to pieces and plan to tell him when I call him tonight.

That warms my heart.

This is interesting to me, becuase I was debating this at work today with a friend.

She said she was in hospital 10 times throughout her life (she has problems with her ears that have never healed) and she has only ever received flowers 3 times. Once for her 21st, once when in hospital, and once on another occasion.

My argument to her was that I don't understand gifts. If I want to show my affection for you while in hospital, I will come and see you and spend time with you. I don't see the need to hand over a gift to show affection.

She said it serves a reminder of affection. But we kinda dropped it there because we had work to do. I understand where she's coming from, though I don't agree with it.

Well, the thing for me isn't the monetary value at all, and I certainly don't *expect*, much less demand gifts. If anything i have to fight from feeling unworthy of the of the gift or that it was wasted on me... I actually find it embarrassing to be given a gift, even though I am secretly pleased....and it is almost painful, because I am happy but afraid/embarrassed to show it.

But I also have to say this: until Mutant, I had only been given a rose twice: once by an old, married preacher who tried to seduce me (and really traumatized me in the process-I wanted nothing at all to do with him!) and then, belatedly, by my ex when he was hoping to reconcile with me, on Valentines day. I had gone the rest of my life watching other girls get whole bouquets of roses, heart shaped boxes of chocolates, stuffed animals, and lavish prseents...to shallow, stupid girls...many of whom did not even appreciate it! It wasn't that I expected a gift or wanted the guy to shell out lots of money...but it was impossible not to wonder what was wrong with me...

Think of it this way: if all the other kids in your family got birthday and Xmas presents and you did not -ever- how would that make you feel? Would you feel valued?

There are, of course, other tokens of love and appreciation which are not material in nature..or don't cost anything. In all honesty though, I can't say that I ever got much of that, either; hardly any dates...very few love notes...etc etc...nothing to make me feel remarkable or distinct from other females.

It's not just giving a gift, in itself, that helps to sustain the relationship.

I remember the anguish of being in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly sent flowers to me from the florist, and then when he saw me next, would say, "You know why I sent those flowers, don't you? It's because I love you!" He persisted in this long past the point I begged him not to do it any more. I wondered why, if he loved me, he couldn't manage to spend his money in a way I would have actually enjoyed. He would spend so much money on flowers that he had no money to take us out to dinner or to a movie or to do anything else. It got pretty boring sitting around and admiring the flowers.

But gift-giving helps to reinforce good feelings in a relationship if someone brings me something and says, "I saw this and it made me think of you! I thought maybe you would like to have it." Maybe it's a new CD from my favorite band. Maybe it's a book on a special interest of mine. Maybe it's something in reference to a laugh the two of us shared.

The joy in receiving a gift is knowing that someone else thought about me and wanted to contribute to my happiness. I find no joy in a guy saying, "I know girls like it when a guy gives them flowers, so here you go..."